


Colours That Bleed

by damnquads



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Summer Camp, Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Multi, Slow Burn, Superpowers AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-14 03:46:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 88,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11774829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damnquads/pseuds/damnquads
Summary: “Hi,” he finally says. “I’m Shoma Uno, I’m 19.” He hesitates for a second and then looks at Yuzuru. “And I am unable to feel any emotions.”The giggles cease, everyone falls silent and Yuzuru’s world stops. That couldn’t be true. They would’ve known. He and Brian had gone through thousands of cases, looking for somebody like him. A person like that didn’t exist. They had met people with different forms of disorders or emotional detachments but they still felt something. Yuzuru had felt them feel something.A Summer Camp/Superpowers AU in which Yuzuru feels too much and Shoma doesn't feel enough.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Feel Something" by Jaymes Young
> 
> Big THANK YOU to Verit for listening to me ramble, Megan for reading this through and correcting all the errors I've made along the way. You're both angels. Last but not least: thanks to Mon for knowing me better than I know myself and still putting up with my nonsense, ily.

Yuzuru is shaken awake by a gentle hand on his shoulder. When he opens his eyes, he sees Javi looking at him with a smile on his face.

"Hey, sleepyhead. We're here," he says, pointing out of the window of their bus. Yuzuru can only see the main building, but it's enough to make him feel better already.

"Sleep well?" Javi asks him.

"Yeah," Yuzuru croaks, rubbing his eyes.

"I thought so. You must've been pretty tired." Javi chuckles.

"Huh?" Yuzuru takes his bag out of the overhead carrier and puts it over his shoulder. He follows Javi out of the bus.

"I was telling you about the new movie me and Miki saw last weekend and I wasn't even halfway through and you were already nodding off," Javi explains when they're both on the sidewalk.

Yuzuru smiles and shakes his head. "I'm so sorry. My mind's been all over the place lately."

"I can see that."

"You can tell me about the movie now?" Yuzuru suggests.

"Nah. That's alright."

They take their luggage that the driver hands out to them and start making their way to the centre of the camp.

Nothing's changed since he had last been here one year ago, and yet the place looks a bit empty. He's never seen it without people running around and only now notices how different it looks.

He stops and looks around.

"What are you thinking about?" Javi asks him.

"Just... has there always been that green building?"

"What?" Javi laughs, obviously surprised by Yuzuru's question.

"I've never noticed it. The camp looks weird without other people in it." He starts walking again.

Javi thinks for a while. "Oh... I suppose it does. Don't worry, it'll fill up tomorrow quite quickly."

Yuzuru swallows hard. It seems like he's been thinking about tomorrow nonstop. How many people are going to arrive? Will the new kids know what to do? And what about him? It feels like he doesn’t know what to do either. He lets out a sigh, trying to calm himself. It’s not like it’s his first year at the camp. He’s seen how it works, knows the people here. It’s all going to be fine.

Javi must see the apprehension on Yuzuru's face because he puts a comforting hand on his back. Yuzuru’s nerves disappear immeditely.

"Relax, it's gonna be fine,“ Javi murmurs.

"Easy for you to say. You've been doing this for two years already." Yuzuru shakes his hand from his back. "And stop doing that. You know how much I hate it.“

It’s not that Yuzuru isn’t glad for Javier trying to make him feel better. He only means well, Yuzuru knows that. It feels like the easy way out though, it always has. Yuzuru liked going to Javi and asking him for help, after Javi had gained full control of his powers at least. Everyone knows it was nearly impossible to be around him before then, but after he learned how to control them, Yuzuru would often find himself in his room. He didn’t even need to say a word, Javi always knew, he’d hold his hand or hug him and Yuzuru would feel all his troubles vanish instantly, as if they didn’t exist in the first place. The feeling of abandon only lasted for a moment though and Yuzuru soon realised this wasn’t how he wanted to deal with his hardships. He had to face them himself. Being reminded of the fact that Javi’s powers did what he asked them to, while his were stubborn as ever, didn’t help either.

„I have my head full of other people's emotions, there's no need for you to mess with mine as well,“ Yuzuru adds quietly.

Javi smiles at him sadly. "Still no progress, then?" he asks.

Yuzuru looks down. "I mean... I can control it if I try hard enough but it's exhausting. Brian thinks that it will still take some time but he wants to try some new stuff with me this year and see what works."

Javi nods. "Yeah, he mentioned it to me."

Yuzuru's eyes still haven't left the ground.

"You know, it took me almost five years to keep my... powers, if we can call it like that, under control. It takes time. You shouldn't rush things."

"I know, I'm sorry. I know you're only trying to help but-"

"Sometimes it's too much, I know," Javi says.

Yuzuru smiles at him; he's really glad he's met Javi. Even though their situations are quite different, he understands him the most and Yuzuru can always confide in him and vice versa.

"Ouch!" Yuzuru squeaks after someone pinches his side. He turns around. "What the..."

"Hello, loser," Kanako laughs at him and then proceeds to stick out her tongue.

"Well I certainly didn't miss YOU," Yuzuru replies and rolls his eyes for emphasis. "Oh, hi, Mao. Glad you could make it this year," he greets the familiar figure with whom Kanako has been inseparable since he first met her.

"Hi, Yuzu, how are you feeling before the big day tomorrow?" she says, snickering.

Yuzuru can see Javi shake his head at her.

"You're both hilarious as always."

He grabs his luggage and starts walking in the direction of the building where his room should be located.

"Yuzu, wait! I didn't mean it like that," Mao cries after him. He ignores her and turns the corner. He can still hear their stupid girly laughter.

He walks for a while until he realises he's on the wrong side of the camp. His room is in a different building this year because of the new position he's been assigned, which he’s forgotten about in his attempt to leave his friends as quickly as possible.

Yuzuru sighs and turns around, going back to Kana, Mao and Javi.

"Don't know where your room is?" Kanako shouts at him as soon as she sees him.

Yuzuru makes his way to them, embarrassed.

"I hate you so much, do you know that?"

"I wouldn't have it any other way," Kana says and puts her arm around his shoulder, leading him to the right building this time, her other hand holding one of Mao's.

"When did you two arrive?" Javi asks, dragging his own luggage behind him.

"Yesterday. Eyes and Ears asked us if we could help them with some last minute arrangements," Mao says.

"As if they needed us, really. I think Ashley and Adam could run this whole camp by themselves to be honest," Kanako adds.

Javi smiles. "They'd make Brian run for his money."

"Yeah,“ Kana agrees. Her eyes light up a moment later. "The Shibs also arrived yesterday, so we all had a fun night."

"Did everyone arrive before us?" Yuzuru says in disbelief as they stop in front of a building on the left side of the camp. He untangles himself from Kanako's arm that's still on his shoulder.

"Oh, come on! You still have to prove yourself to be a capable leader of the section you'll get assigned to tomorrow. Otherwise no parties for you." Kanako looks at him. "And it's not like you can drink alcohol anyway."

"You still could've invited me."

"Let's go and find your rooms," Kanako says, ignoring his accusation, and goes up the stairs with Mao in tow, quickly ending the conversation and dodging the chance of more complaints coming her way.

Yuzuru can feel Javi standing behind him. "Um... if it makes you feel better, they didn't invite me to their get-together either."

"Javi, if you put that hand on my back, I swear..."

Yuzuru feels Javi's hand fall back down as he softly chuckles. "Sorry. Let's go, then."

***

When he's finally in his room with bags unpacked, Yuzuru lays on his bed and tries to breathe. He didn't expect he'd have his own room but it seems that being in charge of a bunch of freaked-out newbies has its perks, and having a room all to yourself is one of them. At least that's how Kanako put it. 

Yuzuru doesn't mind sharing his room with someone and likes it when he has someone to talk to. He's got better at this whole "I know what other people are feeling" mess even though it isn't perfect yet. He understands the reason for single rooms for the supervisors though. Being surrounded and trying to keep in check a couple of teenagers not in control of their own gifts yet for the whole day will probably turn out to be a difficult task. Not having to share a room with anyone is the least Brian could offer them in return.

It's not forbidden for them to sleep in different rooms though. When he thinks about it, that permission sort of backfired because he, Javi and Patrick are the only ones sleeping alone. Adam and Ashley are sharing a room -obviously-, Maia and Alex are in one together as well and no one expects Kana to leave Mao on her own. Maybe having someone who is in the same position as you and understands what you're going through might turn out to be beneficial.

Yuzuru thinks about it for a moment. No, having his own room is better and it's not like he can't crash at Javi's if he wants to talk.

There's a knock on his door and not a second later, Javi's head peaks into his room.

"Are you alright?" he asks.

"You know, I sometimes wonder if you secretly don't know how I feel."

"That's actually your specialty, if I remember correctly," Javi smiles, entering the room.

"Ah, that was a good one."

Javi lays on the bed next to him and Yuzuru sighs.

"No, really, how are you?"

"It's okay," Yuzuru replies. Then after a while he adds: "I guess."

"Do you want me to tell Brian that maybe he should wait until you can control your own powers before he has you running around helping others with theirs?"

It's not like Yuzuru hasn't thought about this. Of course he has. He's thought about it everyday since he learnt that he would be assigned to his own group this year. Thinking about the new kids looking at him weirdly and not taking him seriously after realising that he's trying to teach them something he himself doesn't know how to do. But he's not a quitter, he's stronger than that and, most of all, he trusts Brian. If Brian thinks this will be a good thing for him, then he'll go through with it and see what happens.

"No! I can do it. It's just gonna be a bit harder. That's all," he tells Javi.

Javier hums.

"Do you wanna practice?" he says after a while, a cheeky smile on his face.

Yuzuru is tired and knows he still has so much work to do today, but he wouldn't be himself if he turned down a challenge.

He sighs, but gets up and sits on the bed properly. "Ok, let's go then."

Javier mirrors him and looks him straight in the eyes. He must be concentrating very hard, trying to project whatever feeling he wants onto Yuzuru.

They stare at each other for a few minutes until Yuzuru can't help himself and bursts out laughing, leaving Javi gaping at him.

"I'm... I'm sorry... but you... you looked as if you were pooping," Yuzuru finally manages between his giggles.

Javier looks mock offended for a while until he too starts laughing and lays on the bed right next to the place where Yuzuru's fallen a moment ago in his fit of hysterics.

"At least you didn't feel anything! See? You're getting better," Javi says after they’ve both calmed down. He pats his knee and gets up. "Alright, I'm gonna go and check on the Shibs, see if they're not freaking out."

"You're going around, making sure everyone's fine? Aw, that's sweet."

"Shut up!" Javi says when he's at the door. "And don't forget we have the meeting with Brian in 30 minutes, ok?"

Javi leaves him lying on the bed and only after he closes the door, Yuzuru can finally let go of the fake smile he's had on his face for the past minute. The truth is he actually felt everything. Every single thing from the happiness that Javi was trying to make him feel, to the things that were deeper beneath the surface - the fact that Javi, even behind all his bravado and carefree smiles, is also a bit nervous about tomorrow, that there's something troubling happening back home that has him feeling worried. And the worst thing is that he felt even the things Javi was hiding. The things that he wouldn't want him to feel, to know. After their little game, Yuzuru could feel the small tremor as Javi reminded him of the meeting - he was surely thinking of the fact that Miki was going to be there, and Yuzuru felt that as well.

But he considered himself to be a good friend and didn't want to trouble Javi with his problems. No, he'd rather lie and tell him that everything's all right. That he didn't feel a damn thing even though he felt everything.

***

Yuzuru goes to the meeting alone, knowing that Javi is probably already there and waiting for him would be pointless. The meeting is held in the main building that is situated in the centre of the camp, where the most important events usually take place.

He feels mildly nervous but nothing too severe, just usual nerves that are connected with trying out new things for the first time. When he gets closer to the building, he notices Maia and Alex standing in front of the main entrance.

"Hey, Yuzu!" Maia shouts, waving at him.

Alex, who is facing her, turns his head and waves as well. "Hey, man! How are you?"

Yuzuru speeds up so he can stand with them.

"Hi, good. You?"

"Great. We're so excited for tomorrow, we couldn't sleep all night," Maia answers for both of them.

"Well... Maia couldn't sleep which resulted in me not sleeping as well, ‘cause she kept imagining all the possible things that could happen tomorrow and forgot to control herself," Alex says with a raised eyebrow.

"You're acting as if you weren't talking about how excited you were all the way here."

"Fair point."

Yuzuru chuckles. It is easy to forget about his own nervousness when he's listening to the banter of the Shibutani siblings. He forgot that he wasn't the only one who would be supervising his own group for the first time this year. Maia and Alex are new to this as well.

Yuzuru smiles. "Is anyone in there yet?"

"Um... we don't know actually," Maia says bashfully. "We were sort of waiting for you ‘cause we didn't want to go in there alone."

Yuzuru looks at her and lets himself go for a while and now he can truly feel it. Both Maia and Alex are as nervous as he is, maybe even more, they're just good at hiding it. If Yuzuru couldn't feel it himself, he wouldn't even notice.

It's not going to be that bad, he tells himself. They’re all in this together after all.

"I think Javi has already gone, so..." He motions with his hand to the door, letting the siblings in and following right behind them.

They find the big common room easily, all three of them already familiar with the place after years of attending the camp. And sure enough, Javi is sitting behind one of the long tables, Miki right next to him as he's enthusiastically telling her some kind of story. They're not the only ones there, Ashley and Adam are also immersed in a conversation, heads together above a bunch of papers that are most likely containing last minute camp arrangements that Mao mentioned before. Yuzuru can see Adam gesturing wildly with his hands.

Between the two pairs sit Kana and Mao, who are the only ones that notice them. Kanako starts waving, telling them to go sit, which informs the rest of the group of their arrival.

"Hey, Shibs. Hi, Yuzu!" Ashley raises her head to greet them. "I heard you walking in, we're just busy trying to get this whole mess together," she adds, motioning to the papers at the table in front of her. Last minute arrangements it is, then.

Yuzuru nods at her, sitting down next to Javi.

"Yeah, hi," says Adam already looking back at the papers. "By the way, I like your necklace, Maia," he adds.

Yuzuru's head turns in Maia's direction, trying to look at the tiny pendant hanging from her neck but even though she's sitting right next to him, Yuzuru isn't able to decipher what it is.

"Thank you. I got it from my mom when I was five, I think."

There's an awkward silence as everyone waits for Adam to crack.

"For those of you who don't have perfect eyesight, it's a dove with a sprig in its beak," he says with a dramatic sigh.

Alex laughs. "Stop showing off."

He takes Maia's necklace into his hand and inspects it for a while. "You know, now that I think about it, I never actually noticed that sprig before. Which means..."

"Yeah, I didn't know it was there either," Maia chuckles.

"Hopeless, absolutely hopeless, all of you. This camp would fall apart if it wasn't for me."

Ashley nudges Adam with her elbow.

"And Ashley."

"Thank you."

The whole group starts laughing.

Yuzuru realises how much he missed this. The place, the people, the atmosphere. Everything fits; _he_ fits. It's not that he doesn't get along with normal people back home. He does but he's always felt like he can't be himself, not fully. Sometimes a person would feel hurt by an offhand comment even though they laughed it off and Yuzuru would feel this urgent need to go to them, let them know that he felt it, that he empathises, but he knew he couldn't. It's not like he hasn't tried. He has but after a couple of weird looks and "it's none of your business" uttered his way, he just gave up. Turns out people don't like it when you tell them how they feel, even if you have good intentions.

Yuzuru is torn from his thoughts by a commotion by the door.

"Are you all having fun without me? I feel wounded," Patrick exclaims.

"If it isn't the Little Mermaid himself!" Javier shouts, making everyone laugh once again.

He gets up from his seat to greet him. "When did you arrive? Me and Yuzu felt quite lonely on the bus."

"Just now, I didn't catch the earlier bus that you must've taken."

Patrick nods towards Yuzuru, greeting him, and Yuzu nods back.

They aren't as close as Yuzuru is with Javi, not even how he is with the Shibs. Yuzuru tried to befriend him his first year at the camp but his powers were still all over the place back then and Patrick didn't like some stranger knowing his emotions. He is still a bit wary around him. Yuzuru understands that. Their relationship has gotten better over the past few years though, and he thinks he can consider himself Patrick's friend. He won't ever show up at his doorstep to ask for advice, or share his personal thoughts with him, not like he does with Javi, but it's a comfortable thing they share.

Yuzuru also sometimes feels waves of jealousy coming from Patrick, and he can't help but think it's because of the friendship he has with Javi. Patrick and Javier met the first time they visited the camp, and since they were in the same group and spent most of their time with one another, they became friends very quickly. Then the next year, Yuzuru arrived and he was paired with Javi since their powers were similar and they could practice together. Javi and Patrick still spent a lot of time together, but because Patrick didn't feel comfortable in the presence of Yuzuru as well, Javi had to divide his time between the two of them. It all seemed way too complicated to Yuzuru.

The feeling of hurt and envy has dissipated over the years though, even if Yuzuru can still sometimes feel it when Patrick looks at him.

Patrick hugs Javi tightly, patting him on the back and then nuzzling his head to the crook of his neck. Yuzuru can feel Patrick's emotions getting stronger, can feel his heartbeat racing, whole body thrumming. His face is still in Javi's neck.

Yuzuru shakes his head as the entire table slowly starts to chuckle, waiting for what's about to happen next.

When Patrick hasn't let go for a while, Miki sighs. "I think that's enough, Javi," she says but there's a smile on her face.

Javi lets go of Patrick who tries to hold on to him for dear life. "Don't go, I missed you," Patrick says sadly.

The table is in hysterics now, Adam has tears in his eyes and Maia is hiding her face from second-hand embarrassment in Alex's shoulder.

When the two men finally disconnect, Patrick's expression changes from one of adoration to pure horror. "What did you just do?" he asks in disbelief. "Did you just make me... why do you always do this?"

"Because you always fall for it!" Ashley says. "Every single year. You come through this door, naively thinking Javi won't try something and every time he does try and then succeeds, you act all surprised as if you don't know him."

"Well, maybe I expect him not to act like a child anymore, don't I?" Patrick snaps back, hitting Javi on the shoulder. "And the rest of you, too! Stop laughing!"

"You would be laughing too if it was one of us," Kanako says, wiping a tear from her face.

"It very well might be next time," Patrick retorts.

"Yeah, I might go for one of you later on," Javi laughs.

"See?" Patrick high fives him, all the anger he felt disappearing at the prospect of possible shenanigans with Javi.

"How long have the rest of you been here?" Patrick asks, sitting down with them.

"Since yesterday. Ashley and Adam needed our help with some stuff," Mao smiles.

The Shibs nod.

"Don't listen to them. They're all lying. The only thing they were helping them with was the consumption of alcohol," Javi says.

"Oh, really?" Patrick pats Alex on the back.

"I can't help the fact that we're a group of very skillful people and are able to finish our jobs quickly," he shrugs.

"Yeah, we can all see that," Patrick gestures to the pile of papers on the table. "Very skillful indeed."

The room falls into a comfortable silence as Ashley and Adam go back to work after being called out.

"How's your new job?" Yuzuru asks after a while, remembering Patrick mentioning something about it last year.

"It's great actually. Everyone was really hyped the first day I came there," he laughs. "I still feel like people are going there to see me rather than all the animals if I'm honest." Patrick shakes his head.

"Where do you work?" Mao asks.

"At Ripley's Aquarium, here in Toronto."

"Oh, that's convenient," Mao muses. "I mean, the fact that it's situated so close to the camp but also your position," she pauses. "I suppose you work with the animals, right?"

"I mostly help with the cleaning for the time being but they want me to start working with the animals soon. I still have a lot to learn though. And I'm not gonna lie, some of those animals are quite scary," he laughs nervously.

Yuzuru smiles. He's happy for Patrick. He was looking for a job for so long before finding this one and it seems like he genuinely enjoys doing it. Using their gifts to do their job is one of the best things that could happen to people like them.

Patrick turns his head back to Yuzuru. "You're still at Brian's?"

"Yeah. I'm thinking of staying there after I'm done with my studies."

Patrick nods.

"Javi's working on a new theory right now so I'm helping him with it when I have the time. Right?" Yuzuru looks at Javier.

Patrick follows suit, evidently intrigued. "Oh really?"

"It's still in the early stages but me and Miki are looking for the original gene that causes our powers to develop, more or less," Javier offers. "We're mainly focusing on the emotional powers for now cause they're the ones we know most about but still... it's quite hard because we'd need someone whose gene's just been triggered or someone who's going through a rapid change of their power to locate it, and it's not like anyone's knocking on our door," he sighs. "Yuzu gave us his medical records from the tests he'd been through when his powers first started and we're comparing them to ours but it's still a lot of work and I don't even know if it will lead to anything."

Yuzuru puts a comforting hand on Javi's shoulder and meets eyes with Miki. Javi has been living through this theory for the past half year, he hasn't been thinking about much else, and Yuzuru knows how frustrating it is for him to still be at square one. He's felt his outrage many times.

"That sucks," Patrick says.

"Yeah," Javi nods with his head down.

It's times like these when Yuzuru wishes he could switch powers with him. He doesn't like seeing Javi sad and would give anything to be able to change that. And he can't be the only one. Yuzuru notices that the mood in the room changed profoundly while Javi was talking. Everyone looks at him with pitying expressions now, not knowing what to say.

Thankfully Brian walks into the common room not long after that. Preparations for tomorrow will provide a good distraction and occupy their minds, for now at least.

Yuzuru pats Javi on the back and can feel him loosen up a bit.

"Hello, everyone!" Brian greets them. "I hope you're ready for tomorrow."

Kanako looks mischievously in Yuzuru's direction and Yuzuru rolls his eyes.

"This should be quick as you should know how it works here by now, so I'll just give you the necessary info and then you can go do whatever it is that you do in your spare time," Brian announces, making his way to the chair at the head of the table.

"Everything should be the same as last year." He nods at Miki. "Miki, could you please give everyone their files?"

Miki stands up and takes out a big pile of papers out of her bag that she starts handing out to every one of them.

"As you can see, each individual folder has a different colour," Brian continues. Yuzuru looks at the blue folder that is handed to him.

"The colours match with the name tags that you have in your rooms and with the name tags that will be worn by the members of the group you're assigned to. The system hasn't changed basically. Any questions about this?"

The room is silent.

"It's important that you know your colour so you can identify who belongs to you, especially on the first day. Since none of you are colour blind, I don't think that will be a problem," Brian laughs and clasps his hands. "Ok. Now something about the groups. I want Ashley, Adam and Patrick to be with the advanced groups as you're more experienced and have done this more than once already."

The trio nods.

Brian looks next to Yuzuru where the Shibutani siblings are sitting. "Maia and Alex, you are going to be in charge of an advanced group as well."

Yuzuru can feel the Shibs go tense, Brian must notice this as well because he quickly continues, "You don't have to worry, the group consists of people who are attending the camp for the second year and you know most of them already. Their program will be similar to the one the first years have, nothing difficult."

"Will we both be in charge of the same group?" Maia asks hopefully.

"Yes, of course, the thought of separating you didn't even cross my mind," Brian smiles. "If you have any problems, just talk to Ashley or Adam, and they will tell you what to do, ok?"

The Shibutanis nod.

"Ashley, Adam, you walk them through it during the first few days, is that clear?"

"Yep," Adam replies, and looks encouragingly at Maia. "It's gonna be fine, don't worry."

"The rest of you will work with the new kids. I've mixed them into three groups each containing six people. You've got everything you need to know about them in your folders." Brian looks at Alex. "Just as you do."

Alex nods.

"Um..." Javi croaks.

"Yes?" Brian asks.

"It's just... shouldn't there be four groups?" He looks at the empty space on the table in front of Miki. "How come Miki doesn't have her own group?"

"Good question. There's one change to last year. Since there's fewer people than usual, I will be in my office most of the time and Miki will take my place," Brian explains. "I'm still going to be here, just not as visibly as other years. Miki is skilled enough to help you with your problems if need be," he smiles at her and Miki smiles back.

"Oh," Javi says in disbelief.

Yuzuru nudges him. "You really didn't know about this?"

"No," Javi replies but the incredulous look on his face quickly changes into a proud smile. "Guess I'm dating the boss now," he boasts.

Yuzuru face palms.

Brian clears his throat loudly. "The detailed programs of every day are at the end of your folders. Don't lose them! I know I say this every year but there's always someone who loses theirs and as you can see..." He picks up his own folder and lists through it for emphasis. "... it's a lot of pages."

Yuzuru chuckles.

"Any questions?" Brian asks, his question mostly directed at Yuzuru and the Shibutanis.

When nobody says anything, Brian gets up. "Great. I'll be in my office." He stops when he reaches the door. "If anyone needs me, Miki will take care of it."

Miki shakes her head, laughing.

Yuzuru starts going through his folder. He's quite surprised at how easy this whole leadership thing appears; from what Brian said, it doesn’t seem like it will be as bad as he’s been fearing. But maybe it will get worse tomorrow.

"What happens tomorrow?" he asks Javi.

"The older kids should arrive around noon, and they will go to their respective rooms and have free time basically. The new kids should be here at 2pm, there will be an assembly outside this building as every year. Adam and Ashley will explain how it works here and then we show our groups their rooms..." He pauses. "It should be in the folders somewhere if you take a look."

"That reminds me," says the eavesdropping Kanako with a mischievous smile. "Could you all take out your group's profiles?"

Adam enthusiastically jumps out of his seat. "Oh, I almost forgot!"

He starts going around the table, taking the profiles out of everybody's hands.

Yuzuru looks at him in confusion. "Um, what is this about?" he asks Javi.

"You'll see, just do what he says."

Yuzuru unwillingly hands the papers containing important information about his group to Adam. He feels wary about this but everyone's doing it so he's probably just overreacting. It's only after Adam's collected all of it and takes out a lighter that Yuzuru realises he should've listened to his gut feeling.

He looks on in horror as Adam starts burning page after page.

"What the hell, dude?" Alex cries out. "We haven't read it yet!"

Adam nonchalantly picks up another piece of paper and sets it on fire. "Nobody has and that's the beauty of it, isn't it?" He looks at Yuzuru. "Not knowing what, or more specifically who, tomorrow brings."

Yuzuru is pissed, to be honest. He's all for fun and games but this is crossing the line. He likes it when he has control over things, when he knows what to expect, when he can prepare himself. This is the opposite of preparing yourself.

"This is stupid," he grumbles. "What if one of the people has some dangerous gift, huh? What if one of them has a medical condition that we now know nothing about?"

"You're just scared that it's gonna be like your first year when you arrived and started dissing Ashley's dress and didn't realise she'd heard you," Kana laughs.

Ashley looks at him, amused by the memory.

"No, I'm not. This has nothing to do with that," he snaps back. "And that dress was horrendous," he adds under his breath.

"It wasn't!" Ashley shouts back at him.

Yuzuru ignores her and watches Adam who is clearly enjoying his new position of an arsonist.

When no one does anything, Yuzuru stands up. He looks incredulously at Maia. "You're ok with this? Don't you all realise how dangerous this can turn out to be?"

"Yuzuru, calm down," Miki finally intervenes, "I've been through all the profiles myself and there's nothing to worry about. I wouldn't let you all do this otherwise."

Yuzuru stands there for a minute but after no one joins him, he sits back down. "I still think this is stupid and childish."

"That's only because you're a control freak who needs to know everything. Chill," Kanako says.

"This isn't helping me chill," he mutters, pointing to the burning papers.

Javi rubs his shoulders playfully. "Stop. Overthinking. Stuff," he squeezes his shoulders with every word. "We did this last year as well and it was fun."

"Sure. Remind me of this fun tomorrow when I'll be dealing with my own nerves atop a camp full of stressed out newbies without even knowing, thanks to you,..." he pauses for dramatic effect. "... what kind of skills they might possess. What a great idea of fun you all have," Yuzuru says.

He's not even that angry anymore, Miki's words placated him a bit. He just doesn't like this. It's a new situation that he doesn't know if he can handle, and these few pieces of now-burnt paper were supposed to help him. He's not a control freak, Kana can go shove it. He just likes knowing things, so he can have them... under control? That doesn't make him a control freak. No, with everyone acting all carefree and like it's not that serious, he feels like the only sensible adult here.

***

Yuzuru still thinks about the lost profiles when he's in his bed that night, going through tomorrow's day plan. He's read it at least ten times already, has it memorised by now, but one more time won't kill him.

He can't help but picture various scenarios of tomorrow where he's the only one who knows what to do, Kana and Adam running around, absolutely helpless, because they haven't studied a single thing. Serves them right, he thinks.

He looks at the plan for one last time and then puts it on his nightstand, turning the light off. He's got a big day ahead of him, he should get as much rest as possible.  



	2. Chapter 2

Yuzuru stares into his bowl, poking its content with his chopsticks. He hasn’t been able to consume more than two mouthfuls of his breakfast. His stomach is queasy. He couldn’t sleep because of his nerves all night. He’d woken up an hour before his alarm even rang and didn’t fall asleep afterwards, tossing and turning in his bed. 

It’s a few minutes past seven now and the dining hall is empty. It’s more than likely that his friends spent the evening talking and drinking until the early morning hours. He would’ve joined them but his mood had been sour since the meeting and he didn’t want to ruin anyone’s night. He would’ve slept better if he’d gone with them though, that he is sure of. 

Yuzuru looks back at his food. He knows there’s no chance of him finishing his breakfast now. He thinks about going back to his room. He could borrow one of the films Brian keeps in the common room for movie nights, watch it and wait for the rest of the camp to wake up. Maybe he’ll even fall asleep for a few more minutes. He just needs to shut his brain off, stop thinking. 

He leaves the dining hall and heads back to his room. He wonders if he could go to Brian’s office, see if he’s awake already and ask him for the profiles of his group. That would ease his mind a bit. What would Yuzuru even say to him though? He couldn’t betray his friends and tell him that they’d consciously burnt them. He could lie and say that he’s lost them. Would Brian be angry with him? Probably.

There’s noise near the entrance to the camp as a car pulls up on the driveway. Yuzuru stops in his tracks when he sees a familiar figure exit the vehicle. It takes her a minute to notice him as well but when she does, Tracy smiles and walks up to him.

“Hello, Yuzuru, why are you up so early?” She gives him a knowing look. “Couldn’t sleep?”

“Something like that.”

“Come here.” Tracy hugs him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks when she pulls back, rubbing his arms. 

Yuzuru shakes his head. “That’s okay. You just got here and I don’t want to bother you.”

“You wouldn’t bother me. I have to sort out some documents before everyone arrives, you could help me with them, if you want to,” she smiles at him.

After a moment of hesitation, Yuzuru whispers, “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.”

They don’t talk on the way to Tracy’s office, staying in comfortable silence as Yuzuru contemplates what to tell her. He could lie or tell the truth. He thinks about Tracy being there for him since the beginning, helping him manage his powers when he first got them. How she’d listen to him during his practices, sometimes even before or after them, reminding him that for her the person came first, their powers second. 

When Tracy closes the door behind her, Yuzuru realises there is only one option. 

He spills.

“We’ve burnt the papers and now I’m scared because I don’t know what to expect today and everyone acts like it’s nothing but it really isn’t, is it?” he asks, eyes wild. 

“Woah, woah, slow down.” Tracy puts her bag on the table and points to the chair in front of it. “Sit.”

Yuzuru sits down, breathing hard. Tracy takes out a bunch of papers out of her bag, splitting them into two halves and handing him one of them. She takes a seat on the other side of the table.

“Have you calmed down?” she asks him.

Yuzuru nods.

“Okay. Tell me what happened then. What papers did you burn?”

Yuzuru takes a deep breath. “The ones with the profiles,” he mumbles. 

His head snaps up. “You can’t tell Brian. Promise me. He would kill us if he knew.”

Tracy smiles. “Don’t worry about Brian, he won’t find out.” 

Yuzuru looks down at the documents he’s holding. He keeps playing with the corners, folding and unfolding them. “I feel anxious about not knowing and I keep thinking about it, and that’s why I couldn’t sleep. And I just needed to tell someone because it’s been eating me alive.” He’s rambling again. “Just don’t mention me telling you to the others, I don’t want them to know.”

When Tracy doesn’t say anything, Yuzuru looks up. The corners of her mouth are twitching as she tries not to laugh.

“What?” Yuzuru asks.

Tracy tilts her head towards the papers he’s been holding. Yuzuru looks at them.

“Oh.”

The documents Tracy had given him were the profiles.

“I would’ve told you right away if you’d let me,” Tracy says, amused. “I need to sort them out by gifts. You know the categories, right?”

Yuzuru feels buoyant. “Yeah, yeah,” he laughs. “Can I look through them?”

He doesn’t plan to read them word by word but skimming them through could turn out to be useful. He believed Miki when she said he had no reason to worry but he needs to see it for himself.

“You have to if you want to help me in any way,” Tracy snorts.

“Right.” 

Yuzuru starts going through the various profiles, putting them into their respective categories, Tracy doing the same.

“Brian didn’t tell me how he’d arranged the groups, though. So, I don’t know who belongs to you,” Tracy says after a while.

“That doesn’t matter.” Yuzuru puts a girl who’s unable to lie atop Satoko’s profile in the cognitive section. “I’m glad I can look at these.”

It was a good decision to tell Tracy the truth. It felt good not to have the weight on his shoulders anymore. Tracy won’t tell anyone about it, she promised and he believes her. 

Tracy sighs. “You are crazy though. Why would you burn the profiles if you haven’t read them yet?”

“I didn’t want them to burn mine but when I realised what was happening, Adam was almost halfway through already. They said that they do this every year and that it’s fun but I panicked and caused a bit of a scene.”

Yuzuru wrinkles his nose. He must admit that he overreacted. He should probably apologise for his outbreak yesterday. After reading through a couple of the profiles, he already feels better about today. His friends were right. There aren’t any powers that he fears he won’t handle.

When they’re done with their work, Tracy stands up and starts collecting the profiles Yuzuru’s categorised. She stops before she gets to her own piles and studies him for a while. 

“Do you want to look through these as well?”

Yuzuru laughs, shaking his head. “No, that’s fine. I think the bunch I went through reassured me enough.”

Tracy nods and puts the profiles into one of her drawers. When she looks back up at him, her eyes are full of warmth. “You’ll be fine. Remember your first day here?” 

Yuzuru hides his face in his hands, embarrassed. “Yeah.”

“You were like a spooked mouse.” 

Yuzuru remembers it well. He was seventeen and thrown into a world he knew nothing about. He went from being a normal boy to knowing what everyone around him felt in less than a week. It was a shock, to say the least. He’s glad Brian had found him as soon as he had, taking him to Toronto and showing him that he wasn’t the only one who was a bit different. 

Yuzuru smiles at the memory. “You all helped so much. You still do,” he says, biting his lip.

“You survived back then, didn’t you?” Tracy takes a hold of his hand across the table and squeezes it. “There’s no reason for you not to survive today.”

“I guess you’re right.” Yuzuru squeezes back.

***

There are more than forty people milling in front of the main building of the camp. Most of them are the new kids that arrived a moment ago, some are people Yuzuru knows from previous years, curiously checking out the strangers’ faces. 

Yuzuru covers his eyes with the palms of his hands, attempting to stop the emotions coming his way. It’s all in vain. He can feel trepidation, anxiety, shyness, a few cases of excitement here and there.  
Yuzuru huffs. “Why can’t they all feel one thing? This is giving me whiplash.” 

He wipes droplets of sweat off his face but can feel new ones forming already. He’s been sweating like crazy. It feels as if there are millions different emotions running through his system and even more sounds coming from around him. There’s no use in blocking them, nothing works. 

He opens his eyes and immediately needs to bend over. “I think I’m gonna throw up.”

“Do you want me to get you something?” Javi’s voice sounds panicked. Yuzuru can’t tell if that’s how he really feels, his friend’s emotions blending with the rest. 

Yuzuru doesn’t move for a while, only focusing on breathing in and out. He tries to think about what Tracy had told him when they first started working on his powers. _**Think about something nice, something that is entirely different to the situation you are currently in, something that will calm you.**_ The feeling suddenly disappears. Good.

“It wasn’t me,” Yuzuru replies, finally looking up. He still feels a bit weak and needs to lean against the building behind him.

Javi looks worried. “I didn’t know it was this bad. Why didn’t you say something?”

Yuzuru tries to smile and brush it off. “It’s not. There’s just a lot of people feeling lots of different things. I expected this would happen.”

Javi doesn’t believe him. “You can’t even differentiate between your own emotions and those of other people. This is not okay.” He has a pained expression on his face. “I’m gonna go to Brian.”

Yuzuru grabs his wrist.

“No. I can handle this. I just need for it to start already.” 

Yuzuru had endured a few situations like this one in the last month. It usually happened in crowded places, in public transport or shopping malls. He felt targeted, too many impulses being directed at him and he couldn’t defend himself against them.

Javi studies him for a minute and then nods. “I’ll tell Ashley, ok?”

Yuzuru smiles at him. “Thank you.”

He can see Ashley and Adam giving him troubled looks from the corner of his eye as Javi explains them what’s happening. Luckily, Ashley starts welcoming everyone soon after that. All eyes snap to her as she starts talking about how thrilled they all are about so many people arriving this year. Yuzuru can feel some of the emotions he’s been feeling muffle. He closes his eyes and concentrates until the only thing he feels is his own heartbeat.

Javi looks at him questioningly. 

Yuzuru nods, assuring him that he’s fine.

Ashley and Adam go quickly through necessary formalities, describing how the camp looks and what can be found in each building. They spend some time introducing all the instructors that everyone will meet during their first session tomorrow. Yuzuru focuses on their voices and doesn’t think about anything else.

“If you have any problems or need someone to clear things up for you, the instructors may seem like the first place to go to, but they are usually busy and we wouldn’t recommend bothering them,” Ashley points out.

Yuzuru snorts as he remembers all the times when he was knocking on Tracy’s door, sometimes in the middle of the night. For some reason, she always knew it was him. She would open the door and let him in. Most of the time he would tell her about what had been bothering him and she would listen. Other times he just needed a refuge. He would find himself in her office, helping her with her work and leave an hour later feeling as if all the weight had been lifted off his shoulders even though they hadn’t said a single word. If Yuzuru were the one giving instructions now, he would advise all of them to confide in their instructors if they can. He doesn’t know where he’d be right now if it wasn’t for Tracy.

“It’s better to go and talk to one of us if something’s bothering you,” Adam continues. 

“Or to the leader of your group,” Ashley smiles. “You were given a nametag at the entrance, if you look at it, you’ll see there is a colourful line on the side of it. The colour corresponds with the nametag your supervisor is wearing.” 

Everyone’s eyes leave their nametags in search of their own supervisor. Yuzuru stands up a bit straighter.

“As you can see they were kind enough to wear t-shirts with that colour as well, so you could find them more easily,” Adam snickers. “I think we all have to admit that Javi looks spectacular in red though and should wear it more often.” Adam turns to him and Javier hangs his head, laughing. 

He puts a hand on his chest and bows. “Thank you, Adam. I am honoured.” 

Adam looks back at Ashley and then at the crowd of faces in front of him. “I think that’s all you need to know for now. The leaders of your groups will take care of you now and if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask them.”

Javi gives Yuzuru an encouraging look. “You’ve got this.”

Yuzuru nods back. He sees Kanako and Mao on the far right and goes to the left so there’s more space for their groups to line up. Javi is left in the middle.

There’s a commotion as everyone tries to get to their respective supervisors, bags getting in the way when their owners go in different directions. 

Yuzuru can see two girls with blue nametags standing near him, not daring to go closer. His nerves let up as he approaches them, the natural need to care for others that he possesses taking control.  
“Hey, I’m Yuzuru,” he greets them kindly. 

The girls look at each other and then direct their eyes at him. 

“Hi, I’m Wakaba.” The girl with round cheeks points next to her, “And this is Mai.”

“Nice to meet you.” Yuzuru notices Mai biting her lips, obviously feeling nervous. “You don’t have to be scared. We’re all here to help you and show you what to do,” he tries to soothe her.

Mai lets go of her bottom lip and nods. The girls’ heads turn to the left when they hear more people coming.

“Hey! The blue group is here!” One of the three teenage boys that are making their way to Yuzuru, shouts. 

“Hi, you are the supervisor of the blue group, right?” he asks Yuzuru when he gets closer. He keeps mussing his hair, trying to get the long curls out of his eyes. 

He looks familiar and Yuzuru thinks it might be possible that he saw his file earlier today. He looks at his nametag and learns that he’s called Nathan. He nods at him and acknowledges the other two boys as well. One of them is smiling, his left canine tooth sticking out of his mouth. The other one is shorter than both of his companions and has big brown eyes.

Yuzuru notices a girl with dishevelled hair appear behind him. 

“Hi, I’m Karen,” she says, breathing hard.

“You didn’t need to rush, we would’ve waited for you,” he smiles at her reassuringly. 

Yuzuru is supposed to take care of six people, with Karen joining them, there are now six people standing in front of him. Three boys and three girls. He looks to the right where Javi’s talking to his group consisting of five boys and only one girl. Mao and Kana have their hands full of six girls. Yuzuru looks back at his group and considers himself lucky. This is a good group. The faces in front of him seem friendly if a bit shy. There will be plenty of time for him to get them out of their shells. 

Yuzuru shows them their rooms, everyone agreeing on the girls sharing one and the boys staying in the other. He gives them half hour to unpack their bags and then meets them in the small club-room that is located on the ground floor. 

They’re all sitting in a circle on the floor now, looking at him expectantly. Yuzuru clears his throat.

“Do any of you know each other?” he asks them.

They all shake their heads, Nathan speaking up, “The same bus drove us here but that’s about it.” He shrugs.

Yuzuru exhales. That’s what he’s been hoping for. He needed an excuse so he could get to know them better. To know anything about them at all. He still wonders if it really was Nathan’s profile that he held in Tracy’s office. If he’d known what he knows now, he would’ve paid more attention to it and studied it harder. There’s no point in fussing about it now though. 

Yuzuru clasps his hands. “Okay. How about we all introduce ourselves and let the others know something about us?”

The group exchanges a look. They’re clearly not thrilled about this. Yuzuru empathises; he always hated these introductory meetings but he can’t think of anything else that would serve as a replacement. 

When nobody says anything, he starts, “My name is Yuzuru Hanyu, I’m 22 and this is my fifth year at the camp.” Yuzuru sees as Mai’s eyes widen. 

He chuckles. “And I can tell what other people are feeling.” 

“Really?” Wakaba asks in disbelief; her eyes are as wide as Mai’s now. 

“Yeah.” 

Yuzuru hasn’t experienced the feeling of newcomers reacting to gifts in quite some time. He almost forgot how much fun it was when he could see their amazed faces. It was thrilling for him too. He loved learning about all the different powers that were in the world but what he enjoyed even more were the glowing eyes that looked back at him when they realised they weren’t alone. The joy of knowing you weren’t on your own, that there were others going through the same troubles you had to go through. 

“Do you feel it right now?” Boyang, the smiling boy, wonders.

Yuzuru shakes his head. “No, I’m controlling it now but I could if I wanted to.” 

“Wow, that’s so cool,” Nathan breathes out. 

Many people reacted in a similar way when he told them. The struggles connected with finding out about what they could do, the fear of not knowing, feeling like a castaway, all of that didn’t even cross their minds. The world they lived in seemed like a fantasy from an outsider’s point of view but they all knew better.

“It has its pros and cons,” Yuzuru says light-heartedly, not wanting to delve into it too much.

“What about you?” He looks to his right where Karen’s sitting.

She’s playing with the hem of her shirt, eyes not leaving her lap. “My name is Karen Chen, I’m 17.” She pauses. “This is my first year here, obviously,” she laughs, finally looking up. “And I can’t be heard when I want to.”

Yuzuru wrinkles his forehead and from what he can tell, the rest of the group doesn’t seem to understand her gift either. “I think you’re gonna have to elaborate, Karen.”

Karen looks around the room. “I could show you?”

She stands up and walks to the middle of the circle. She takes a deep breath, closes her eyes and then leaps into the air. Yuzuru waits for the impact that is going to come when she hits the ground but hears nothing. The silence stretches as everyone looks on in bewilderment.

“Could you do that again?” Mai asks.

Karen laughs. “Sure, but you could try it yourself if you want to.”

Mai seems to be confused. “What do you mean?”

Karen walks up to her and offers her the palm of her hand. “Slap it.”

It takes Mai a while to realise that Karen’s serious. She takes her own hand and slaps Karen’s. There is no sound, just as Yuzuru expected. 

Karen goes back to her place and sits down. She’s smiling now, the respectful looks she’s been given working as a confidence booster. 

“My gift seems so lame now,” Nathan complains. 

“I’m sure it isn’t,” Karen nudges his shoulder. Yuzuru likes the amicable atmosphere he can feel slowly forming around him. 

“Yeah, whatever,” Nathan says. “Hi, I’m Nathan Chen- “

“Wait, are the two of you related?” Boyang interrupts him, his eyes going from one to the other.

“What?” Nathan looks at Karen. “No, we just share the same last name.” He pauses. “At least I think so. I mean, I would know if I had a silent family member, wouldn’t I?” 

Everyone laughs. 

“As I was saying, my name’s Nathan Chen, I’m 18. This is also my first year here.”

“Maybe we can leave out the first-year mentions,” Yuzuru suggests.

Nathan nods. “Okay.” 

He starts for the third time. “My name is Nathan-, no, I’m just kidding,” he starts chuckling. He hesitates for a bit before adding, “I can play any song on any instrument, I guess.” He shrugs.

It’s not one of the rarest gifts nor something that would blow someone’s mind but it’s still admirable.

“That’s not lame,” Yuzuru placates him. “I think many people would love to have a gift like yours.”

“It’s not as cool as jumping without being heard or knowing what people feel though, is it?”

“I think it’s a very nice gift, Nathan. You should be glad that you have it,” Mai smiles at him, her voice barely above whisper.

Nathan blushes. “Thanks.” He clears his throat. “What about you?”

Mai looks from him to the rest of the group. “Hi, everyone, my name is Mai Mihara, I am 17 and I can tell when people aren’t telling the truth.”

“Good to know,” Yuzuru can hear Karen say under her nose.

Dealing with Mai's gift is going to be harder than with the ones Nathan or even Karen have, but Yuzuru’s sure they will find a way. She seems like a nice girl. He hopes she hasn’t been scarred enough in her life already because it was only about to get worse with her having a gift like that one. Mai didn't seem to mind her powers too much though, sharing it with the group easily.

Yuzuru looks at Wakaba who is sitting next to her, quickly inviting her to introduce herself.

“I am Wakaba Higuchi, I’m 16 and…” She looks mischievously at Mai.

“… I can make other people say whatever I want to,” Mai finishes. Her eyes widen and she puts a hand on her mouth.

Wakaba laughs. “Sorry, Mai. I haven’t used it on anyone in a while and I felt tempted.” 

Yuzuru watches as the group giggles, the nervousness that was present before, nowhere to be found. The atmosphere in the room was light. He knew this was a good idea. If the girls were joking around with each other, they were already on the path to friendship. 

“Hi, I’m Boyang Jin,” Boyang starts after the group’s calmed down. “I’m 19- “

Nathan starts howling. 

Boyang rolls his eyes. “I told Nathan about my gift on the bus and he obviously likes it enough to make fun of me.”

“Of course, I do,” Nathan chuckles.

“What is it then?” Yuzuru is a bit impatient, Nathan’s howling leaving him perplexed. The boy certainly couldn’t be a werewolf, could he?

“I can levitate? Sort of?” Boyang confesses. 

“What do you mean, sort of?” Yuzuru asks.

Nathan howls again, louder this time.

“Stop it,” Boyang swats his hand at him but he’s chuckling. He turns back to the rest of them. “I can’t control it yet and…” He looks at Nathan. “…it only happens at full moon.” 

“Oh,” the group lets out in unison. 

“He is the perfect combination of a vampire and a werewolf. I mean, look at that tooth,” Nathan points out enthusiastically.

“It’s sexy, isn’t it?” Boyang grins, letting all his teeth show.

Yuzuru can’t help but laugh now as well. He was right, this is a good group. They might make fun of each other but there was no malice behind it. Just a friendly chatter. 

“I think Shoma should introduce himself now,” Boyang suggests when the group still hasn’t succeeded in containing their giggles.

Yuzuru looks at the boy sitting next to Boyang and realises he hasn’t said a single word the entire time they’ve been in the room. He didn’t seem to be uncomfortable though. He might’ve been just shy.

“Hi,” he finally says. “I’m Shoma Uno, I’m 19.” He hesitates for a second and then looks at Yuzuru. “And I am unable to feel any emotions.”

The giggles cease, everyone falls silent and Yuzuru’s world stops. That couldn’t be true. They would’ve known. He and Brian had gone through thousands of cases, looking for somebody like him. A person like that didn’t exist. They had met people with different forms of disorders or emotional detachments but they still felt something. _**Yuzuru**_ had felt them feel something. 

Nathan doesn’t seem to believe Shoma. “You just laughed with the rest of us a moment ago. How could you do that if you don’t feel things?”

Everyone turns to the boy with the big brown eyes. 

“I laughed because Boyang was joking and it would’ve been rude of me not to laugh with the rest of you,” he explains.

“So, you didn’t actually find the joke funny?” Boyang asks. He doesn’t sound hurt, just curious.

Shoma shakes his head. “I can’t.”

Yuzuru’s still trying to wrap his mind around what he just heard. When he was younger, he’d spend hours lying in his bed at night after suppressing other people’s emotions all day. During those times he'd wanted to be numb and feel nothing at all. Now there was a person who could do it, and he was sitting right in front of him.

Karen looks at Yuzuru. “Is it true? Does he really feel nothing?”

“I… I don’t know,” Yuzuru stutters. Everything he thought he knew just turned out to be a lie. He couldn’t be sure of anything anymore.

“You can check if you want to,” Shoma offers.

Yuzuru looks up and truly focuses on Shoma for the first time that day and notices the blankness. He’s just been accused of lying, even the strongest person on earth would feel a bit wounded but when Yuzuru tries to find anything, he falls short. It’s the weirdest thing he’s ever felt or, more accurately, hasn’t felt. It’s as if he were in the blackest tunnel and there was no light at the end of it. Yuzuru tries to find small traces of feelings, anything to hold on to but there’s nothing. Only void.

He turns to the expectant faces and shakes his head.

“That isn’t a gift though, not really. You can’t control it, it’s just there,” Nathan notes.

Yuzuru winces. He’s painfully reminded of the first months after his powers had shown. It was unbearable. He'd spent most of the time locked in his room, not talking to anybody. Sometimes people would try to visit him but he could handle only one person at a time and even that was too much. He’d thought his head would explode. What happened to him earlier today was like a walk in the park compared to five years ago.

He used to think there was no bright side to his gift. And there were powers with no bright sides. People came to the camp with one dream – to learn how to manage them – only to be told that it wasn’t possible. They would never control their gifts, they had to live with their gifts controlling them. Other times someone would want to get rid of their power altogether. There was nothing to gain from it, abolishing it being the only possible option that would allow its owner to live a normal life again. Yuzuru didn’t want to think this was Shoma’s case.

“Just because he can’t control it now, doesn’t mean he won’t control it in the future,” he says. “We’ve all gone through difficult times, haven’t we?”

The room falls quiet, everyone suddenly cheerless. Nathan unconsciously puts his hands behind his back. Yuzuru wonders if they’d suffered the most, he doesn’t ask though.

***

The hollowness that he’d felt earlier follows Yuzuru for hours afterwards. It was the strangest thing he’d ever felt. He contemplates whether Shoma experiences it in the same way or whether Yuzuru’s feeling had been influenced by him comparing it to his own emotions. When did it all start? How come they’d never heard of him? Yuzuru has so many questions.

He stares at the back of Shoma’s head. He’s sitting two rows in front of him, Boyang and Nathan next to him on each side. Yuzuru wonders if they talked about Shoma’s gift after they’d gone back to their room. Would Shoma have told them about it himself if he hadn’t been prompted by Yuzuru earlier? Would he have kept trying to act like everyone else and play the waiting game? And what about Nathan and Boyang? Do they treat him differently now? Do they walk on eggshells whenever Shoma’s with them? How do you behave in the presence of someone who has no emotions?

Maybe it’s not that deep, Yuzuru thinks. Why would anyone act different around Shoma? Nobody acted different around Mai even though she knew when you lied to her. Now that he thinks about it, it must be harder for the boy. He must be trying so hard not to seem rude and smile when he thinks the situation requires it, be sad when someone tells him a story that hurt them even though he can’t sympathise with them, laugh at jokes that he doesn’t find funny. His life must be hell.

“Earth to Yuzu,” Kanako waves a hand in front of his face. “Hello, are you in there?”

Yuzuru snaps out of his thoughts. “Sorry, were you saying something?”

Kana laughs. “You’ve been staring into space for the last five minutes, is everything alright?”

“Yeah, I was just thinking…” His eyes find Shoma again. “… about stuff.”

Kanako follows his line of sight. “Stuff being the emotionless boy?”

Yuzuru looks at her and shrugs.

“You must find him fascinating,” Mao notes. 

“I don’t understand him. I don’t understand the gift and what purpose it has. I’m still trying to process it all.”

Javi slides through their row and sits next to Yuzuru. “Has it started yet?”

Yuzuru shakes his head, glad to have something else to talk about. “I don’t know why we even go to these meetings, we know everything already anyway.”

Miki is explaining the purpose of practicing together, how the person you’ll be assigned to should help you and you help them and it’s just white noise. Yuzuru is nodding off, he’s heard all this so many times. 

“How’s your group?” Javi asks him.

Yuzuru opens his eyes.

“I think they’re fine. Three girls, three boys. They seem friendly from what I can tell. I don’t think there’ll be any problems.” 

He doesn’t want to talk about what happened in the club-room. He doesn’t even know what to say about it. Javi would probably start asking questions that Yuzuru doesn’t have the answers to and that’s the last thing he wants right now. 

He looks at him. “I’m more curious about you handling all those boys,” Yuzuru chuckles.

“Don’t remind me. They keep trying to outdo one another with their gifts,” he sighs. “At least I already know Kaori is going to be my favourite.”

“Kaori’s the girl?” Yuzuru asks.

Javi nods. “What about you? Do you have a favourite already?”

Yuzuru frowns. “I don’t play on favourites.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you,” he whispers playfully. 

Kana and Mao start describing all the people in their group and how amazing their powers are. Yuzuru’s eyelids start dropping again, he needs this meeting to end so he can finally rest a bit. It’s been a difficult day. Javier must notice him not paying attention. 

“Are you feeling any better?” he asks Yuzuru after a while.

Yuzuru thinks about it. He didn’t notice anything unusual about his emotions after the meeting. They’ve calmed down. For the most part. There was the occasional hum, he felt one when he entered the room full of other people minutes before, but he ignored it. He was just tired.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry.”

Finally, people start standing up around them and Yuzuru figures that’s his cue to go and get his updated profile with this year’s schedule as well. Javi follows him to the section that contains the emotional powers. 

Yuzuru finds his folder in the pile of papers and starts reading. He skims the personal info and focuses on the first week of the camp. It’s a bit different to previous years thanks to his new position. He’ll be spending a lot of his time with his group, usually playing games or doing activities that are supposed to strengthen the core of the group and form new friendships. 

Yuzuru expected something like this. He goes back to the first page, just to check if all the information fits. There’s his name, age, gift, some other info containing his progress and training partner. 

Yuzuru stops, the papers in his hand start shaking. It takes him a while to realise it’s not the papers, it’s his hands. They’re trembling uncontrollably. 

He turns to Javier. “I need to speak to Brian.”

He makes it to his office in record time, anger fuelling him. He doesn’t bother knocking.

“What is this?” He throws the papers on Brian’s desk.

Brian looks up from what he’s been doing on his laptop, calm as ever. “Hello, Yuzuru, nice to see you too.”

“Hi,” Yuzuru huffs. “Could you answer my question, please?”

Brian closes his laptop and puts it away. He takes the few papers lying in front of him and looks through them. “I believe this is your profile.”

Yuzuru is so annoyed right now. Irritation bubbling up inside of him. 

“Obviously. That’s not what I meant.”

“And what exactly did you mean then?” Brian folds his arms.

Yuzuru knows he should probably settle down. He doesn’t want to cause a scene but they had an agreement. He was counting on it. Brian should’ve told him.

“Why isn’t Javi my training partner?” he asks in frustration. 

The man in question enters the room at the precise moment. He must’ve followed Yuzuru right from the beginning.

“Yuzu- “ 

Yuzuru turns around. “Did you know about this?” he asks Javier.

Javier nods. “I thought you did too.”

“How was I supposed to know?” Yuzuru asks in disbelief. 

“It’s in your group’s profiles,” Brian states.

Yuzuru snorts. “Of course it is.”

He can’t believe this.

“I thought you’d be happy about it,” Brian says. 

Yuzuru can feel his irritation reaching its peak. How could Brian even think that? Yuzuru’s never felt this angry.

“Happy? My powers are acting up, Brian. Javi is the only one who’s been able to help me. I practice with him because he can make me feel different things. That’s what this is about.”

He pauses and tries to catch his breath.

“How is a boy who doesn’t feel a damn thing supposed to help me?” he sighs, exasperated.

He is so exhausted. He just wants to crawl back into his bed, put a duvet over his head, and ignore everything around him.

“Yuzu-“ He can hear Javi try to placate him again.

“No! Don’t ‘Yuzu’ me,” he snaps back. He turns to Brian. “He feels nothing, Brian. Nothing. Nada. Yeah, that might seem interesting to you, but to me?” He takes a deep breath. “He’s absolutely useless.”

“YUZURU!” Javier shouts. 

“What?” Yuzuru finally turns around but Javier isn’t looking at him. His eyes are focused on the person standing in the door-frame.

Yuzuru’s heart sinks. 

“I wanted to tell you that we’re training partners and saw you heading this way. But I guess you already know.” Shoma looks him straight in the eye. “I’ll go and be useless somewhere else then.” 

Yuzuru doesn’t know how much of the conversation he’s heard but it’s obviously been enough. Yuzuru didn’t want it to go like this. He runs straight after him.

“Shoma! Shoma, wait!”

Shoma stops and turns to him. There’s not more than a two-meter distance between them but to Yuzuru it feels like miles. 

“I might not feel a thing but I still know when words are meant to hurt someone, I’m not stupid,” Shoma states.

“Of course, you’re not. I…” He doesn’t know what to say. There’s a lump in his throat and no matter how many times Yuzuru swallows, it doesn’t go away. 

Today has been stressful and he felt as if his head was going to burst. He’s never dealt well with a lot of pressure being put on him. And today’s been one of the days when it was taking its toll. He’d been grumpy yesterday and it only got worse today. He was trying to hide it but deep down his nerves have been pulled tight all day. It was only a question of time when the rope would break. He just didn’t want another person to be standing at the end of it.

“You weren’t supposed to hear that,” Yuzuru whispers. He’s staring at the ground, unable to look Shoma in the eyes.

“I figured that much.”

Yuzuru looks up. Shoma’s face looks as it did earlier today when they were all sitting in the club-room; impassive. Other people would probably look cold if they didn’t feel anything but not Shoma. He had a soft face, it was just hollow. 

“I didn’t mean what I said earlier.” Yuzuru thinks for a moment. “I was angry and didn’t consider what my words might have implied. You’re not…” He inhales. “You’re not useless.”

Shoma’s not looking at him anymore. The words still having an impact on him, even though they can’t hurt him.

“What I meant to say is that the situation is useless. You and me, us together, it just won’t work.” Yuzuru pauses again, trying to find the right words. “There’s nothing to gain from it.”

He’s probably only making it worse. He should just stop talking altogether. 

Shoma looks at him, the ever-present passive expression on his face.

“I’d better go. The boys wanted to play some game and they’re waiting for me.” He turns his back to him and walks away. Just like that.

Yuzuru doesn’t know what to do. He’s just ruined something that didn’t even exist. He stands rooted to the spot, staring at the place where Shoma was a minute ago.

He can hear footsteps behind him and a voice follows soon after.

“Have you thought that Brian might’ve put you two together not because of him helping you, but because you might help him?” Javi says quietly.

Yuzuru sighs. No, that thought didn’t even cross his mind. He’s been so selfish. Only focusing on himself and his own problems. Completely ignoring the fact that there were six new people who needed guidance and comfort. Six people who were counting on him to provide it for them. If he hadn’t been so caught up in himself, it would’ve been obvious to him that Brian had put them together with the thought of Yuzuru helping Shoma in mind. He’d been so stupid. 

Yuzuru bites his lip. “I’ve really screwed this up, haven’t I?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely comments and kudos! ILY!!!  
> Come scream at me on twitter (@damnquads) and tumblr (quadamn) if you want to?


	3. Chapter 3

There’s a clock hanging on the wall behind Brian’s desk. It has squares around the numbers, each painted a different colour. Yuzuru hadn’t noticed it before but the clock didn’t fit in the office. It wasn’t Brian’s style at all. Yuzuru wonders if somebody had got it for him as a gift and Brian didn’t want to put it in his home, so he found a place for it here. It served its purpose; it kept ticking. The second hand was going round and round, from red to blue to green. 

“Do you need to be somewhere?” Brian asks him.

Yuzuru’s eyes fall from the clock to his hands under the table. He shakes his head.

They’ve been sitting here for more than half an hour already and haven’t spoken much. Neither one of them has said anything really. Brian is doing some work on his laptop, only looking up when he sees Yuzuru move, which only results in Yuzuru going stiff and not moving for the next minute or two.

He doesn’t know what Brian wants from him, he apologised to him yesterday. He still feels embarrassed about the whole thing. Sitting here is painfully reminding him that he should be somewhere else; fixing all that he’s broken. Yuzuru thinks about it. Maybe that’s what Brian wants from him. He can try again.

Yuzuru licks his lips. “I’m sorry.” He looks up. “For how I acted yesterday. It was stupid of me to just burst in here and shout at you.”

Brian sighs. “I don’t want you to apologise, Yuzuru.”

“Then what do you want me to say?” Yuzuru asks, exasperated. 

He realises he’s raised his voice again.

“I can’t tell,” he adds rather sheepishly. 

Brian closes his laptop and focuses on him. “When did it start?”

Yuzuru’s eyes start wandering around the room. This isn’t what he wants to talk about. He doesn’t want to talk about it and he doesn’t want to see the disapproving expression on Brian’s face either.

“What?” he asks innocently.

“You know what.” Brian’s voice sounds softer now.

Yuzuru thinks for a while. Even though he's been trying so hard to ignore it all, he knows when his gift first started acting on its own again. He doesn’t know why Brian wants to know though. It won’t change anything now. 

He decides to tell him the truth anyway. However small that truth may be.

“I don’t know. A few months ago?” he shrugs.

Brian rubs his eyes. “Why didn’t you say something?”

“I didn’t think it was that bad. I thought it would go away eventually, like it always does.”

“Yuzuru, you have to tell me when stuff like this happens.”

“I know that now,” Yuzuru mumbles. “I just… I didn’t want to bother you with my problems. You have your work and- “

“This is my work.” Brian emphasises his words by motioning to him. “You, Yuzu, and other people like you. When something goes wrong or doesn’t go according to plan, it is my job to help you. That’s what I’m here for.”

Yuzuru nods. He’s not looking at Brian anymore, his own lap is more interesting to him now.

The thing is, Yuzuru knows all this. Brian had told him the first time something similar happened. And the time after that. He knows that he can go to him whenever he thinks it’s too much. He knows he can tell him when he stops feeling like himself and Brian will figure something out. He shouldn’t be overthinking it. Nobody finds going to Brian difficult. Yet when it comes to him, he can’t make himself go to the office and seek help. 

It’s this strange feeling of being a failure. Yuzuru would come to the office, stop at the door, raise his hand to knock and then freeze. Every time. He’d start thinking about how it’s the third time that week that he’s doing this. How Brian must be tired of him already. And not only tired, but disappointed as well. Yuzuru was a disappointment. All these years of progress leading up to nothing once again.

“Stop.” Brian’s voice pulls him out of his thoughts.

“What?” Yuzuru asks, confused.

“I can see you thinking and I know you far too well to know what it is you’re thinking about. It does you no good, Yuzu, and none of it is true anyway.”

Yuzuru nods again. He hates being reprimanded like this, he feels like a naughty child. But Brian is probably right; thinking like this isn’t helping.

“Does anyone else know about it?” Brian asks him.

Yuzuru bites his lip. “No.” Then after a moment he adds, “Only Javi.”

“Of course.” Brian shakes his head. “I don’t know why he didn’t tell me. He of all people should have some common sense.”

“I asked him not to,” Yuzuru confesses.

Brian sighs and studies him for a while, the look of disapproval hasn’t left his face. Yuzuru wants to disappear. 

Brian’s next words are kind. “Do you maybe… Would you like him to take over your group? So, you could rest a bit? It wouldn’t be a problem.”

Yuzuru answers without hesitation. “No. No, I am fine.”

He doesn’t want to burden other people, not unless it’s necessary. He’d gone through worse things. Some power glitch or whatever it is that’s currently happening to him, is nothing compared to that. 

“My group is fine. There have been no problems.”

Brian raises his brow.

Yuzuru looks down. “Except for what happened yesterday.”

Yuzuru thought about going to Shoma’s room yesterday after he’d calmed down and could think straight again. But then he remembered about the game with Nathan and Boyang that Shoma had told him about, and he didn’t feel like interrupting. He was sure Shoma didn’t want to talk to him nor see him anyway. 

It’s as if Brian could read his mind. “Did you talk to him?”

Yuzuru shakes his head. “I don’t think he would’ve wanted me to.”

“You know what I think?” Brian pauses.

Yuzuru shakes his head again.

“I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. The boy is not stupid. If you explain to him why you acted the way you did, I’m sure he’ll understand.”

Yuzuru bites his lip and considers what Brian just said. He looks up at the clock again. 

“Actually, is it okay if I leave right now?” he says. “I have some things to settle.”

Brian smiles. “His class finishes in five minutes, you’ll be there just in time.”

Yuzuru gets up from his seat and smiles down bashfully. “Thank you.” After a moment of consideration, he adds, “For everything.” 

“Don’t mention it.”

Yuzuru is at the door when he hears Brian’s voice again. 

“And Yuzu?”

He turns around.

“Yeah?”

“Just be honest with him.”

Yuzuru nods and closes the door behind him. 

He makes his way to the building where Shoma’s class is being held.

Brian is right. At the end of the day, Yuzuru has nothing to lose. He might gain a new training partner, a friend maybe, if everything works out. Yuzuru wonders if Shoma has friends back home. It wasn’t unusual for people to avoid Yuzuru after learning about his abilities. Yuzuru had no problem starting new relationships, on the contrary, he found it a bit too easy. His gift was always by his side, kicking in and making him say the right words at the right time. 

Maybe that was the problem. Yuzuru always knew how to right a situation when it started to go in a direction he didn’t want it to, and it didn’t take the other person long to figure out that something was going on. That the conversation they were having wasn’t natural. They’d ask Yuzuru about it and rather than telling the truth and explaining himself, Yuzuru accepted that they won’t ever talk again. 

It’s easier nowadays. Yuzuru knows when it’s right for him to use his powers, when the other side is okay with it and it is beneficial for the relationship. He still needs to learn not to rely on his gift so much though. There are situations that require it and situations that do not. Sometimes it’s hard for him to distinguish between when he should speak up and when it’s better to keep his mouth shut.

Yuzuru wonders whether Shoma has problems forming new friendships. Relationships must be an entirely different experience for him than what they are for Yuzuru, and yet, they probably face the same obstacles.

They were two different sides of the same coin. When Yuzuru knew everything, Shoma knew nothing. Yuzuru’s ability to sense the right time to act a certain way must’ve felt too easy for others. Everyone always talked about how wonderful the idea of somebody understanding you completely and finishing your sentences was. The truth is, nobody’s interested in a conversation like that. It’s as if you are talking to yourself. That’s what Yuzuru’s heard at least. ¨

Shoma, on the other hand, didn’t know what the other person was feeling, he didn’t even know what he himself was feeling and from what Yuzuru could tell, he probably didn’t feel anything at all. Yuzuru always complained about how hard it was for him to act normal and let relationships around him develop naturally, ignoring all the bits and pieces he’d got to know about others unintentionally. Shoma had to do the complete opposite. Always be fully immersed in whatever was happening, predicting every move, every word. Being Shoma’s friend must’ve be hard, but being Shoma was probably even harder. Yuzuru didn’t know whether he’d even want to have friends if he were in Shoma’s place, it seemed to be a lot of work. 

When Yuzuru comes to the building, there are a few people already leaving through the main door, so he decides to go inside. He passes by Mai and Wakaba in the hallway and waves at them. The girls smile back at him. 

When he enters the classroom, it’s mostly empty. He can see Shoma at his desk, putting some notebooks in his bag. He approaches him and Shoma looks up.

“Hi,” Yuzuru greets him.

“Hi,” Shoma answers, zipping up his bag. He seems to be in a rush.

Suddenly, Yuzuru’s mouth is dry and he doesn’t know what to say.

“I wanted to talk to you.” He swallows. “About yesterday.”

Shoma puts his bag over his shoulder. There are a few strands of hair in his eyes and he pushes them away with his hand. 

“I have a session with my instructor in five minutes,” he says matter-of-factly and makes his way past Yuzuru. “Sorry.”

Yuzuru is taken aback. He tries to shake himself out of it and quickly turns around.

“Later today then?” he calls after Shoma’s retreating form.

“Okay,” Shoma replies but he doesn’t stop.

He leaves the room and Yuzuru standing there, perplexed. Yuzuru knew it would be hard, just not this much. Shoma obviously didn’t want to talk to him and it didn’t surprise him. He deserved it. 

***

He decides that he’ll try and talk to him during lunch. Yuzuru wants to solve the misunderstanding that currently lies between them before their first training later and lunchtime seems like the perfect opportunity.

He doesn’t talk to him. Not for lack of trying.

When Yuzuru enters the dining hall, Shoma’s already sitting at one of the long tables, Nathan and Boyang by his side, which seems to be a custom now. 

Yuzuru stands in line, waiting for his food, and watches them. They seem to be in the middle of amicable conversation. Boyang, at the centre of it, is mimicking with his hands, talking and laughing with his mouth half-full. Nathan is amused by Boyang’s story, fondly shaking his head. Even Shoma’s smiling politely, chiming in occasionally. 

Yuzuru takes the tray with his food and thinks about joining them, asking them about their day and if everything’s alright. Nathan notices him a second later and nudges Boyang in the ribs which makes Shoma look up as well. Yuzuru stops in his tracks. The smiles that were on their faces are nowhere to be found. Boyang whispers something and Shoma shakes his head, already looking back at his own tray. 

Yuzuru doesn’t need to read minds to know that he’s not wanted at their table. He turns around and makes his way to where his friends are sitting. He can feel two pairs of eyes following him the whole way to his chair. He sits down, realising that he’s lost his appetite. 

Did Shoma tell Nathan and Boyang about what happened yesterday? He didn’t seem like the type to confide in people, especially people he barely knew. Maybe he didn’t tell them anything. It’s more than likely that someone overheard their conversation yesterday. Gossip travelled fast in this camp. The thought of everyone knowing made Yuzuru want to run away and never come back. Shoma telling Boyang and Nathan might’ve been more hurtful but it was still better compared to the whole camp whispering about it.

Yuzuru feels a hand on his shoulder and turns around. It’s Adam.

“Hey,” he half-whispers. 

Yuzuru frowns. He isn’t used to seeing Adam like this. He’s usually vibrant and energetic. He’s almost self-conscious now. Yuzuru wonders why.

“Hi. What’s going on?” he asks him.

“I’m sorry about burning the papers. Seems like I caused you some big troubles.” 

Yuzuru sighs. So, this is what it’s about.

“It’s not your fault,” he replies. “I should be the one apologising. I overreacted. Looks like it’s a recurring theme when it comes to me.”

“Yeah, I heard,” Adam states sadly. “I’m sorry about that as well.” 

Yuzuru wonders when his days became full of conversations consisting of apologies. It's as if the only thing that he’s been doing lately is saying sorry. The worst part was that he knew he wasn’t finished yet.

Adam’s looking at Shoma’s table and Yuzuru follows his line of sight. The boys are silent now, eating their lunch.

“Um…”

Yuzuru looks back up at the sound of Adam’s voice. Adam looks around as if he fears he might be caught doing something wrong.

“I don’t know if I should be telling you this but Ashley wants you to know that they haven’t said anything bad about you.”

Yuzuru looks at Ashley who’s sitting a few seats to the left on the other side of the table. She smiles at him and Yuzuru smiles back.

“Tell Ashley that she shouldn’t be eavesdropping on other people’s conversations,” Yuzuru says to Adam, his eyes are still on Ashley though, knowing that she can hear every word. “That said, I am still grateful to know that.”

Ashley winks at him and Adam pats Yuzuru a few times on the back before he goes to sit next to her. 

Yuzuru thinks about what Adam just said. He knows, Ashley knows as well. Yuzuru looks around the table and sees a few of his friends looking at him. All of them becoming very interested in their food whenever their eyes meet with his. 

“Have you told anyone about yesterday?” Yuzuru asks Javi, who’s sitting next to him, oblivious to what’s happening around him.

Javier looks at him, fork halfway to his mouth. “No?”

Yuzuru nods.

“Kanako, maybe?” Javier adds sheepishly.

Yuzuru sighs. “Javi…”

“I’m sorry.” Javier puts his fork down. “She saw you going to your room yesterday and wanted to know what happened. I think she was really worried.”

“She should’ve come and asked me if she wanted to know.”

“I’m sure she would’ve but you didn’t look like you were in the mood to talk to anyone, so…” Javi shrugs.

“Was there anyone else?”

“No. I mean, Ashley was in the room as well but…” Javi stops and his eyes go wide. “Oh.”

“Oh.” Yuzuru deadpans while shaking his head. “I can’t believe you.”

“I’m sure not many people know,” Javi tries to reassure him.

“Then why do I feel like the whole table’s pitying me?”

Javier looks at the faces surrounding them, noticing the odd atmosphere for the first time. 

“Do they?”

Yuzuru rolls his eyes. “I don’t need to _**know**_ to… know. It’s obvious.”

“Hey, boys,” Patrick greets them jovially, interrupting their conversation. 

He sits down opposite them. 

Yuzuru and Javi only nod.

“Aw, what made you two so sour?” he jokes. 

When neither of them replies, he continues, “I take it you still haven’t talked to that boy?”

Yuzuru pushes his tray away and hides his face in his hands. This is torture.

“Javi,” he whines.

“What? I haven’t told him.”

“You didn’t have to. I think the whole camp knows by now,” Patrick says.

Yuzuru lets his hands fall and sees Javi move and slap Patrick’s arm, widening his eyes as a means of some weird nonverbal communication.

“Wasn’t I supposed to say that?” Patrick whispers back.

Javi shakes his head.

“I am right here, you know?” Yuzuru says.

He can’t believe he’s dealing with all this and it’s only the second day of the camp. What a brilliant way to start the summer.

“You’re stressing over nothing, Yuzuru,” Patrick says. “We all mess up sometimes, it’s no big deal.”

“That’s what Brian told me as well.”

“See?” Patrick bites into a carrot. “I think the biggest problem here is you,” he says bluntly, pointing the half-bitten carrot at him.

Javi clears his throat loudly. Patrick ignores him.

“Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean it in a bad way. What I mean is, you are a perfectionist, aren’t you?”

Yuzuru reluctantly nods.

“Yeah, and that’s the problem. Everything needs to be flawless when it comes to you, straight away. And when it isn’t, you start freaking out, thinking it’s the end of the world.”

Yuzuru doesn’t like what Patrick’s saying but he must admit that he’s right. Yuzuru’s always been like this. He tries hard and expects good results. When he messes up or something goes wrong, he becomes unbelievably frustrated, and he can’t think about anything else until the thing’s settled. He hates that he’s like this but there’s nothing he can do about it.

“I guess,” Yuzuru mumbles.

“When did you decide to major in psychology?” Javi jokes.

“Haha, very funny. Oh, actually, that reminded me!”

Patrick starts telling them a funny story that happened to him last week at work and Yuzuru forgets about his troubles for a while. That is until Patrick stands up to carry away his tray and Yuzuru realises that the place where Shoma sat is now empty. 

***

Yuzuru accepts that he won’t have another chance to talk to Shoma. Not until their session. He’s leaving his class, preparing himself for the next hour that he’s going to spend with Shoma. He has about thirty minutes to spare and decides to rehearse what he’s going to say to him. He’s walking slowly, different scenarios forming in his head. 

He’s about to head to his room when he sees him. Shoma’s sitting under a tree and he seems to be holding a book. He’s wearing a white t-shirt and Yuzuru’s sure it’s going to be dirty from the trunk, pieces of bark might even stick to it. He smiles to himself and approaches Shoma without thinking. 

“Can I join you?” he asks when he’s close enough for Shoma to hear.

Shoma looks up and nods. He moves a bit so there’s more of the tree for Yuzuru to lean on and Yuzuru sits down. Now that he’s next to him, Yuzuru can see that the thing in Shoma’s hand is a notebook. Shoma’s intently writing something into it. Yuzuru doesn’t know if he’s chosen the right moment after all, he feels like he’s interrupting something.

“You wanted to talk to me earlier, right?” Shoma says, eyes not leaving the paper in front of him.

“Yeah, I…” Yuzuru tries to remember what Brian told him. “I’m sorry for what I said yesterday. It was stupid of me. I was frustrated and it made me say things that I shouldn’t have said. Whatever I was feeling doesn’t excuse the fact that I called you useless which was the wrong thing to say and not what I meant in the slightest.” Yuzuru inhales. “I don’t want you to think that I am the type of person who just says things like that.” He thinks for a while and corrects himself. “I don’t want to be the type of person who says things like that.”

Shoma is still scribbling something down but he nods. “Okay.”

Yuzuru looks at him and huffs out an exasperated laugh.

“It’s obviously not? You’ve been avoiding me all day. You’re avoiding me right now when I’m sitting next to you. You don’t have to pretend that you’re fine with this when you’re clearly not.”

The trunk is digging into Yuzuru’s back and he doesn’t know how Shoma can sit here like that and not feel uncomfortable. He tries to change his position but it doesn’t help.

When Shoma doesn’t say anything, Yuzuru sighs. 

“If you don’t want to talk to me or be my training partner, you can just say so. I’ll talk to Brian, he’ll assign me to a new group and you won’t have to speak to me ever again.”

Shoma’s expression doesn’t change one bit, it’s as if Yuzuru said nothing. The pen in his right hand keeps moving.

Yuzuru shakes his head and decides to get up. This is going nowhere.

“I wasn’t avoiding you today and I’m not avoiding you right now,” Shoma says, calm as ever.

A stranger walking past them might've thought that they were having two separate conversations. That’s how Yuzuru feels at least. The contrast of Shoma’s composed voice and his own trembling one only makes him more annoyed. He sits back down. 

“Yes, you were? You didn’t want to speak to me earlier this morning and I don’t know what was happening during lunch but it certainly didn’t make me feel welcomed.” 

Shoma finally closes his notebook and sets it by his side. He looks Yuzuru in the eyes. 

“I had a session with my instructor this morning. I told you that,” he says. “And, to be honest, I don’t know what was happening during lunch myself.”

Yuzuru is so confused. He furrows his brow.

“I wanted to sit with you and the boys but you all looked at me as if I’d murdered your families. I deserved it, I do admit that, but you still could’ve said something?”

Shoma’s looking at him blankly. He’s probably thinking. The fact that Yuzuru can’t even be sure if he truly is thinking, is driving him mad. He never fully realised how much he relied on his gift until now.

“That’s not true?” Shoma blinks. 

Yuzuru is lost.

“What do you mean?” he asks, exasperated.

“You could’ve gone and sat with us, I wouldn’t have minded.” 

Shoma’s eyes leave Yuzuru’s face and set on something in the distance. 

Yuzuru opens his mouth and tries to say something. Nothing comes out. He tries again. Again, nothing. He must look like a fish. 

Shoma opens his notebook and starts writing again. 

“But… Boyang looked at me and then asked you if you wanted me to sit with you and you shook your head,” Yuzuru says.

Shoma looks up. 

“Did you hear him say that?”

Was this really that important right now? 

“No, I didn’t but- “

“He didn’t say that.” Shoma’s voice is just as emotionless as he is, Yuzuru can’t decipher a single thing in it.

“He asked me if I mind that you want to sit with us and I didn’t. That’s why I shook my head.”

Yuzuru looks down. Did he read the whole situation wrong? He’s been trying to block his abilities since this morning, not wanting to deal with waves of different feelings coming his way every other minute. But it only meant that he had to rely on his own judgement which turned out not to be one of his best ideas. 

“I thought- “ Yuzuru starts but is interrupted by Shoma once again.

“You thought wrong. I’m not avoiding you.”

Yuzuru nods. He feels so stupid now. He let his head run rampant and this is where it lead him.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“You don’t have to apologise. I’ve forgiven you. I’m not upset.”

“Well, you should be. I must seem like an asshole,” Yuzuru winces. He’s been acting like a proper idiot lately, he doesn’t know why.

Shoma looks at him. “That’s not true.” He pauses. “It would be better if you stopped telling people how to feel though.” 

Yuzuru bites his lip. He didn’t notice that he’d done that. He knows how irritating that must be, especially for Shoma. 

“It’s okay if you feel frustrated with yourself and what happened yesterday. I’m not though and I don’t want you to force it on me.”

Yuzuru hangs his head. “I’m sorry about that.” He grimaces. “I apologised again.”

The corners of Shoma’s mouth turn up a bit at that and Yuzuru wonders if it’s a reaction that he’s learnt to use in situations like this one. 

The atmosphere’s still awkward. Yuzuru clears his throat and decides to change the subject. If Shoma says he’s forgiven, he’ll believe him.

“What are you writing?” he points to the notebook in Shoma’s hand.

“It’s supposed to be a dairy. Sort of. Mihoko thinks it will be useful for me to have one.”

“Is Mihoko your instructor?”

Shoma nods. “Do you know her?”

“I’ve only talked to her a few times but she is a lovely person.” Yuzuru smiles encouragingly. 

“She wants me to write about my day and how I think I would feel in the situations that happen to me.” He shrugs. “I don’t know if it’s supposed to help me feel something or whether I’m just writing it because I will have to fake it for the rest of my life.”

Yuzuru doesn’t know Mihoko that much but he knows what she’s doing. Shoma isn’t writing that diary because of the first option or the other. He’s writing it because both of them are a possibility. No one in the camp knows what his ability means or how it’s going to develop in the future, or if it’s going to develop at all. Shoma writing all this down is just a way for Mihoko to make sure that whatever comes their way, they will be ready. 

He doesn’t think this is what Shoma wants to hear right now, so he just smiles and nods.

“Do you have a diary?” Shoma asks.

“I don’t know if you can call it a diary but I have a book in which I note down my progress. Not that there’s much progress to write about now.”

Shoma doesn’t say anything for some time, it looks like he’s choosing his next words carefully. 

Finally, he speaks up, “Brian told me that you’ve had some problems lately.”

Yuzuru didn’t expect that.

“You spoke to Brian?”

“Yeah. He wanted to check on me. See if everything’s alright.”

Yuzuru doesn’t hold it against Brian. He doesn’t know what he told Shoma exactly but he supposes that Shoma ought to know. He’s his training partner, it’s only fair that he knows what Yuzuru’s dealing with.

“Let’s just say that my powers haven’t been acting the way I want them to. Which doesn’t make me feel overly happy and it shows.”

“Is that what happened yesterday?”

“Among other things. But mainly, yes.”

“I thought so. I’m sorry to hear that.” It almost sounds remorsefully, almost. 

They are quiet after that. Shoma goes back to writing and Yuzuru closes his eyes and lets himself enjoy the stillness of his mind. He only noticed now that there’d been no disturbing emotions clawing their nails into his brain. It was only him, Shoma and nothing else. It still seemed so surreal. He didn’t mind it though. He’d choose the quiet over crowd any time.

When Yuzuru opens his eyes, Shoma’s big brown ones are staring back at him. Yuzuru smiles.

“I wanted to ask you about our trainings,” Shoma says. “Our first one was supposed to start five minutes ago but I thought you’d fallen asleep and I didn’t want to wake you up.”

Yuzuru scratches his head, trying to get his hair back in its place. He didn’t realise that he’d fallen asleep.

“I’m sorry. It’s been a long day.”

Shoma nods.

“We don’t have to do anything, really,” Yuzuru says.

“Aren’t we supposed to train though? Both Nathan and Boyang have these intricate schedules of trainings. I thought it would be the same.”

Yuzuru bites his lip. It made sense that Boyang and Nathan had their trainings planned. Boyang and Nathan had different gifts to those Shoma and Yuzuru possessed.

“There isn’t much for us to train at the moment, is there?” Yuzuru says.

Shoma tilts his head. “I haven’t thought about that.” 

“We could spend more time together? Get to know each other better? If that’s okay with you,” Yuzuru says.

“That sounds nice.”

The wind blows Shoma’s hair in his face and he pushes the strands away with his hand. It’s got cold. There are goose bumps on Yuzuru’s arms and he realises that the sun has set already.

“Alright. Just not here because I think I’m about to freeze.” 

He gets up and Shoma follows him. They walk together around the camp. Yuzuru asks Shoma about his day and Shoma tells him about the classes he attended and what he’s learnt. Yuzuru doesn’t realise he’s lead them to his room until they’re awkwardly standing in front of his door.

“We could go somewhere else if you want to? I didn’t really think this through.” 

“It’s okay. I don’t mind as long as you don’t,” Shoma says.

Yuzuru nods and opens the door. He’s glad it’s only the second day of the camp and his room still looks somewhat presentable. It usually only gets worse from here. 

“I’m sorry if there’s any mess,” he says, just in case.

They end up sitting on the floor, looking at each other. Suddenly not knowing what to say. 

“I was thinking that maybe we could spend these trainings doing stuff that we enjoy?” Yuzuru offers.

Shoma blinks a few times.

“Do you have any hobbies or things that you do back home?” Yuzuru asks.

“I mostly just sleep,” Shoma says frankly.

Yuzuru starts laughing. When Shoma doesn’t respond, he stops.

“Wait. You’re serious?”

“Yeah,” Shoma admits. “I sleep around ten hours a day, sometimes twelve. I interact with other people in school and they expect me to act a certain way. It tires me out and I end up sleeping a lot.” 

“I didn’t think about that. My reaction seems so insensitive now.”

“People usually react that way. I’m a lot to get used to, I suppose.” Shoma shrugs.

“Is it really that tiring?” 

Yuzuru himself gets easily tired after blocking his powers and he loves to sleep but twelve hours is a bit much, even for him.

“I’m exhausted after around two hours and need to take a break. It’s because I don’t act naturally and pretend all the time. I’ve been working on it though.”

“I don’t want you to,” Yuzuru finds himself saying.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want you to pretend when you’re around me, not unless you want to.” Yuzuru exhales. “It’s only fair, I think. I don’t have to trouble myself with blocking your feelings. You shouldn't be exerting yourself pretending that you have them in the first place.”

Yuzuru wants to be honest with Shoma and he thinks the best way to do that is if Shoma’s honest with him as well. He doesn’t want Shoma to think that he’s burdening him, that he should be something he’s not when he’s with Yuzuru. He wants to help him and he can do that only if he gets to know him, _**the real him.**_

Shoma doesn’t say anything and Yuzuru wonders if this is the first time he's been offered something like this. He hopes not.

“Being around me must be so weird for you,” Shoma says.

Yuzuru didn’t expect Shoma to say this but he was right. It was weird, especially for him. Emotions were the first and last thing Yuzuru held onto when everything started to fall apart. They were his safe haven. A place he could go to and understand. They were ubiquitous, always there, never going away. That was what Yuzuru thought until Shoma came along and Yuzuru’s refuge disappeared with him.

“Getting used to it is going to take me some time but I think it’s going to be a therapeutic experience for me?” Yuzuru chuckles.

Shoma tilts his head. Yuzuru’s noticed that he does this often, usually when he doesn’t understand something. 

“It might not seem like it, especially with the way I acted before, but it’s quite calming? I mean, the core of it is.”

Yuzuru wasn’t lying when he said that. Not being able to figure Shoma out was driving him up the wall but when he took that away, he noticed that there were no disturbing elements that he had to concentrate on. He could be himself and he wanted the same for Shoma.

Shoma hums. “I’m glad. Is it… is it hard for you to be around other people?”

Yuzuru scratches the back of his neck.

“Sometimes. It’s worse when there are more people around me or when someone experiences their emotions intensively. Some emotions are easier to ignore than others as well. It’s a pretty complex thing,” he shrugs.

Shoma studies him and then asks, “When we were in the club-room yesterday. Was it hard for you?”

Yuzuru is taken aback by this question, not for the first time this evening. People usually weren't this straightforward when it came to his gift and the struggles that he had to face.

“Not really. I’m used to blocking it and you were all relaxed. Maybe too relaxed, it surprised me a bit.” 

Shoma nods.

“Are you all okay? With each other, I mean,” Yuzuru asks.

“Yeah, the boys are nice. Nathan is quieter but I think Boyang has his mouth shut only when he sleeps but he might turn out to be sleep talking, so you never know.” 

Yuzuru looks up. Did Shoma just make a joke? Yuzuru can’t tell and he doesn’t know whether he should laugh or not.

“Um… are you joking right now?” he asks him.

“Yeah,” Shoma says.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I wasn’t sure and didn’t want to assume and laugh at the wrong time again.”

“It’s okay. I know it’s hard to tell when it comes to me and it’s not like I’m good at jokes anyway,” Shoma placates him.

“No, that’s not it. It was funny, I just… I didn’t know and, yeah.” Yuzuru shakes his head. “I’m glad you’re getting along though.”

“They are both very easy-going which helps.”

Shoma seems to be content with this. Yuzuru knows that he’s most certainly not feeling content right now but he likes to think that if Shoma could, that’s what he’d feel.

“Did you enjoy the game that you played?” Yuzuru asks.

“Yeah, it was this videogame that Boyang loves and I play videogames as well, so we spent the whole evening trying to beat each other.”

Yuzuru raises his eyebrow. “So, sleeping isn’t your only hobby after all.”

“I guess not.”

That sparks an idea in Yuzuru’s mind. He stands up and starts rummaging in one of the boxes that lie close to his TV.

“What are you doing?” Shoma asks him.

“Brian gave me these,” he points to the two carton boxes. “They’re mostly filled with old DVDs but I think I saw a videogame or two in there as well.” 

He dives back into the box, throwing all the movies out and searching for one of the games. Brian offered him the boxes earlier today, saying that he didn’t need them anyway and it’d be easier for Yuzuru to have all the movies in his room rather than borrowing them almost every night. 

“You don’t have to look for it,” Shoma remarks.

“No, no, I know it’s in here.” Yuzuru shoves away some romantic movie he’s never heard about and cries out with joy. “THERE!”

He hands Shoma the game with a big smile. “Ever heard of it?”

Shoma looks at it and then turns it over, inspecting the back of it. He shakes his head. “I don’t think so.”

Yuzuru takes it from his hands and turns the TV on. 

“Me neither. That’s great then. We’ll have the same starting position,” he says with glee.

They don’t have the same starting position, not in the slightest. Yuzuru loves playing videogames but it seems that Shoma plays them every waking hour and it shows. Yuzuru also realises that Shoma is at an advantage.

Yuzuru gets distracted easily. He shouts when he manages to accomplish a goal, only to scream a minute later because he almost got himself killed. When he ends up dead for the fifth time in a row, he gives up and decides to watch Shoma play instead. 

Watching Shoma play is fascinating, to say the least. Yuzuru doesn’t think he’s ever seen anyone be as focused as Shoma is right now. He wonders whether he’s even breathing; he must be, but it doesn’t seem like it. Shoma’s eyes don’t leave the screen in front of him for a second. He has a goal and he’s committed to fulfilling it. 

His fingers are quickly pressing all the different buttons and Yuzuru realises he doesn’t even care what’s going on in the videogame. He is amazed. Shoma’s entirely absorbed in the game. It’s as if nothing else existed. He hasn’t said anything in the last fifteen minutes and it’s impossible for Yuzuru to even guess what’s happened in the game since he’d stopped playing it. 

He certainly can’t tell from looking at Shoma alone. Shoma doesn’t pout when he messes up but he doesn’t celebrate when he finishes a task either. The only thing that changes are the lights illuminating his face. They go from blue to green, suddenly blending into burning reds. Shoma’s eyes blink with every change of colour. 

Yuzuru notices that there’s a piece of a twig caught in Shoma’s hair. It must’ve fallen there when they were sitting underneath the tree earlier. 

Yuzuru clears his throat, trying to get Shoma’s attention. Shoma glances at him but there’s a loud noise coming from the videogame and they both look at the TV, Shoma swiftly takes care of the situation and continues in his hunt for victory. 

The twig’s still in his hair and Yuzuru can’t take his eyes off it. He moves a bit closer to him, making their knees touch. Shoma looks at him again.

Yuzuru points to his hair. “You have a… you have something in your hair.”

Shoma pauses the game and runs a hand through his hair, trying to find whatever’s Yuzuru pointing at. His fingers brush right past it, almost catching on it but not quite. 

“Did I get it?” he asks Yuzuru.

Yuzuru chuckles. “No, not really.” He bites his lip. “Can I?” 

He raises his hand and leaves it hanging in the air between the two of them. 

Shoma nods.

Yuzuru needs to use both of his hands to get it out, Shoma’s hair is thick and he doesn’t want to pull out any strands. He shows it to him when he finally succeeds. 

“Oh.”

Shoma blinks at him a few times and then yawns as if he hasn’t slept in years. It’s quite scary.

Yuzuru giggles. “I think you should go to bed. It’s late and I’m sure you have some classes tomorrow.” 

If it were up to him, Yuzuru would let Shoma play the game until the morning hours, content with watching him. He’s one of the leaders of the camp though, and doesn’t want to be responsible for Shoma sleeping in class tomorrow. 

“Yeah, you’re right.” 

Shoma hands him the controller. “It’s a very good game. I’d like to play it again sometime.” 

“Whenever you feel like it,” Yuzuru grins at him.

They both get up and Yuzuru opens the door to let Shoma out. They stand there awkwardly; Yuzuru still in his room, Shoma in the hallway. 

“Do you want me to walk you to your room?” Yuzuru offers.

It’s late and he doesn’t like the idea of Shoma wandering around all alone.

“I think I am safe, unless there are criminals in this camp that I don’t know about.”

Yuzuru suppresses a laugh and leans against the door frame. He's quite tired himself.

“This was nice?” Shoma says. “I mean…” He pauses, searching for the right words to say. “Fun. This was fun, I guess.”

Yuzuru crosses his arms. 

“Was it?”

“I don’t know,” Shoma admits. 

“Hey,” Yuzuru murmurs. “Remember what I told you about pretending?” 

Shoma rubs his eyes. “Yeah.” 

“Good.”

Yuzuru takes a deep breath. 

“I know you don’t want to hear it but I’m really sorry about yesterday.”

“You don’t have to keep apologising. It’s okay. We’re okay.”

Yuzuru can feel a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He suspected that they were fine but he liked having it confirmed.

“Are we?” he asks.

“Yes,” Shoma says.

“Really?”

“Really.”

Shoma yawns again. 

“You’re tired and I’m keeping you away from your twelve hours of sleep. Go and get some rest,” Yuzuru says.

“You, too.” 

Yuzuru watches him walk away.

“Good night, Shoma.”

Shoma turns around. 

“Good night, Yuzuru.”

Yuzuru closes the door and smiles to himself.

They were okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated. As always. <3


	4. Chapter 4

„To the left! No! NO! TO THE LEFT! JESUS CHRIST!” Nathan has his head in his hands again. “Dude! I am standing right here!”

Yuzuru looks up at the sound of Nathan’s indignant shouting. He’s been sitting close to the court, watching the game. That had been the plan but his team played so horribly that he gave up after some time and started working on his own projects. Only paying attention when he heard Mai, who was sitting next to him, clap or sigh.

He tried to pay attention and cheer with her but his group was unable to score. They got close many times but couldn’t agree on whom to pass the ball or just didn’t look around and tried to score by themselves. With every lost point, the team only grew more frustrated, not concentrating on the game at all.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t see you.”

There’s sweat dripping from Boyang’s hair, down his cheek and then falling on the concrete. He’s leaning forward and breathing hard.

“You’re lacking team spirit,” Jason notes. He’s standing next to them, dribbling the ball.

“Our team spirit is fine. What we’re lacking here is height.” Nathan wipes his forehead.

“I don’t think height has anything to do with it.” Jason passes the ball to Cong.

“Are you hinting at something?” Cong says mock-offended.

“Yeah. He’s hinting at the fact that the other team sucks,” Alex shouts from the sideline.

Jason laughs and jogs to give Alex a high-five.

Yuzuru looks their way. Knowing that his group didn’t play well was one thing. Letting the other team offend them though? That was crossing the line. He won’t just sit by idly and let his team be insulted like this.

He marches to Cong and grabs the ball. Cong lets him have it without saying a single word. Yuzuru doesn’t spare him much thought though. The person he wants to talk to is Alex, who still has a smug smile on his face.

“You’re good at talking, aren’t you? Why don’t you show us some skills then?” Yuzuru rises his eyebrow.

“Is this a challenge?” Alex retorts.

“Call it what you want. I prefer demise. Prepare to die, Shibutani.” Yuzuru throws the ball at him.

“Oh, you wish, Hanyu.”

Alex narrows his eyes and turns his back to Yuzuru, heading to his own team.

Yuzuru turns around as well and then sees the six expectant faces.

Damn it.

The thing is, Yuzuru sucks at basketball. And now looking at the people in front of him, he realises how bad this idea is. He had played basketball a few times but that was it. He doesn’t know much about the game or any strategy, and Nathan was right; the average height of his team is below zero. It seems that losing is inevitable. He can’t let it show though.

“Okay,” Yuzuru clears his throat. “We need a plan.”  

He looks over his shoulder. There are three girls and three boys on the other team, four now, with Alex joining them. Yuzuru needs to be smart about this, think it through.

“Alex has a stronger team,” Wakaba says with her head down. “It’s impossible to beat them. It’s not like we didn’t try.”

There are a few nods from the rest of the team. Some of them look defeated already.

“Just because he has a stronger team doesn’t mean they can’t be beaten,” Boyang states and looks at Yuzuru. “Yuzuru is right. We need a plan and we need to work as one.”

“We need to separate Cong and Wenjing,” Shoma says out of the blue.

Everyone looks at him. There are a few furrowed brows and Yuzuru doesn’t understand what Shoma means either. How will separating Cong and Wenjing help them with- oh. Oh!

Yuzuru was watching the game but he didn’t realise that this was Alex’s biggest advantage. Usual rules didn’t apply in this game of basketball because this wasn’t a usual game of basketball. This was a game in which the other team was counting on the fact that they had telepathy and body-switching on their side. Alex had a team consisting of Cong with Wenjing, and him and Maia. They were the strongest when together but also the weakest when separated.

Yuzuru nods. “Our plan is going to be defensive. That’s what we’ll focus on.” He thinks for a bit and then continues, “Shoma’s right. It’s given that Wenjing and Cong are going to be on the team. Alex would be stupid not to choose them. We also need to keep Maia and him as far away from each other as possible. They rely on their powers too much.”

“Yeah,” Boyang says. “I also don’t think Alex will let Satoko play. He’d want at least three guys on the court.”

“That’s true. So, it’s either Jason or Maxim.”

Yuzuru looks at the other team again.

They all knew each other, some of them were attending the camp for the second or third time this year. Yuzuru was working with a group of people that didn’t know the others existed until a few days ago. He needs to make the most of what he’s got, which isn’t much.

Yuzuru runs a hand through his hair, it is getting sweaty already. The midday sun is beating down, making it almost impossible to breathe.

“I want three guys and two girls on the court as well,” Yuzuru tells the group.

They nod in unison.

“Wakaba is going to take care of Wenjing and keep her occupied.” He points to Karen, “Maia is going to be your target. I don’t care how you’ll do it but she won’t even look at Alex, no matter what.”

“Got it,” Karen says.

“I’ll focus on Alex, and Boyang on Jason or Maxim.” Yuzuru thinks for a bit. “It’s going to be Jason. I’m sure.”

“Which leaves me with Cong,” Nathan says.

“No, you’re going to be on the bench with Mai,” Yuzuru decides.

Nathan looks affronted. “You’re letting Shoma play instead of me? That doesn’t make any sense.”

“It does. When I was watching you play, Shoma was the only one reading the other team correctly. He always stood at the right place, yet you never passed him the ball,” Yuzuru tells him.

“He’s small. He wouldn’t have been able to score.”

Nathan looks around, trying to find someone who might stand up for him but everyone’s looking down at their feet. Yuzuru wonders if he’s being too harsh on him but he was only telling the truth.

“You sort of didn’t pass the ball to anyone,” Boyang murmurs after a while.

Nathan gasps, “That’s not true.”

“It is, Nathan,” Mai whispers.

Nathan looks at her. “Is it?” His voice is softer now.

When Mai nods, something in Nathan’s expression changes and his cheeks turn red.

“I didn’t realise I was doing that,” he says to the rest of the team. “I’m sorry.”

Yuzuru squeezes his arm. “Hey, you got carried away by the game. It happens.”

Nathan shrugs. “I guess someone was missing the team spirit after all.”

He seems genuinely upset. Maybe Yuzuru’s making a mistake by not letting him play. He thinks about switching him with Boyang but then Mai whispers something in Nathan’s ear and he nods at her.

Nathan smiles and looks at Yuzuru, “Me and Mai are going to be cheering for you on the sidelines.”

His smile doesn’t seem very genuine and Shoma must notice as well, he’s looking between Yuzuru and Nathan, inadvertently caught in the middle of their conversation.

“I don’t have to play,” he says. “If Nathan really wants to- “

“No,” Yuzuru cuts in. “You’re on the team.”

He doesn’t know why he said it. Having Shoma on the team probably won’t make a big difference in the long run. Yuzuru just wants him there. It’s unfounded but the thought of seeing him next to the court doesn’t sit well with him. Maybe it’s because he still feels guilty, maybe there’s no reason for it. There doesn’t have to be. It’s not like Yuzuru needs to justify every choice he makes.

Shoma stares at him and then nods as if he knows that he won’t get an explanation out of him.

“What’s going on here?” Javi’s voice pierces through. He’s accompanied by three other people, possibly members of his group. Yuzuru only recognises Kaori, he hasn’t seen much of the other two boys before.

“Are you going to have a match?” one of the boys says enthusiastically.

Yuzuru swallows. “Not really, this is just a friendly game. Nothing too serious.”

“You didn’t sound like you wanted a friendly game a while ago,” Alex shouts at him from the other side of the court.

Javi looks at him and then back at Yuzuru. “Did you just challenge Alex in a game of basketball?” he says in disbelief.

When Yuzuru doesn’t answer, he just shakes his head. “You know there’s no way for you to win this, right?”

“Thanks, Javi. You’re supportive as always.”

“You know that’s not what I meant. I won’t lie to you and pretend it’s not suicidal though.”

“We’ll still be cheering for you, even if you can’t win,” Kaori says warmly. She squeezed herself between Mai and Nathan, happy to finally see her new friend.

Yuzuru turns to Javier. “What do you mean, you’re going to be cheering? Don’t you have anything else to do?”

He doesn’t want anyone to witness the disaster that this game is surely going to be.

“We’ve got some time to spare before lunch. This seems like it’s going to be fun,” Javi wiggles his eyebrows. “I’m going to fetch Kana and Mao as well. This match needs to have a proper atmosphere.”

“Javi, don’t…”

But Javier is already on his way to one of the buildings. Yuzuru doesn’t want to play this game. No, he wants to play this game, he just doesn’t want to lose it and make a fool of himself in front of the entire camp.

His eyes land on his group, flicking from one face to another. His throat feels tight.

“Just… Just remember what I told you and if you get the ball, try to score.”

“You’re going to win this. Believe in yourselves,” Nathan says suddenly.

Yuzuru looks at him. Nathan’s right. Yuzuru shouldn’t let himself be bothered by this. He’s spending time with his group, they are bonding. So, what if they lose? No one will remember any of it tomorrow. They are about to play a game. They should be having fun. That’s the most important thing about it all.

Yuzuru nods. “We’re going to have fun and if we win, we win as a team.” He looks at Nathan and Mai, “A team consisting of seven people.”

“YES!” Boyang shouts and grabs Wakaba and Karen by the shoulders, initiating a group hug.

Everyone quickly follows and Yuzuru is soon huddled with the rest of them. It feels nice; they’re sharing the same trepidation and excitement which only makes the moment stronger. Yuzuru looks at the face of the person that can’t share the present emotions and finds Shoma looking back. He doesn’t seem uncomfortable being in the middle of this hug, but Yuzuru knows that he can’t be enjoying it either. He squeezes his arm and after a moment Shoma squeezes back. Yuzuru extricates himself from the hug, disintegrating it in the process.

“Okay, we- “

Yuzuru looks around and notices that there’s a lot more people than there was before. Mao and Kana have brought their group with them and it seems that Ashley and Adam have found out about the match as well, along with a few other people. Yuzuru feels adrenalin rush through him.

“Well, looks like we’re having an audience. Let’s show them what we’ve got,” he says and jogs to the middle of the court.

He can hear a few shouts from the sidelines, Kana’s being the loudest. Maybe, having her here won’t be that bad after all.

“GO! GO! GO!” Nathan shouts and Yuzuru smiles his way.

When he looks back, Alex is standing in front of him.

“Ready?” he asks.

“You bet,” Yuzuru answers.

Alex gives the ball to Adam who goes to stand between them and then throws it in the air.

Alex is the one who catches it and starts dribbling. He looks around and then stops. Yuzuru follows his line of sight and smiles. Maia is on the other side of the court and can’t seem to move, her eyes are wide. Karen is standing in front of her, blocking her every move.

Alex turns around and finds Cong, he passes him the ball and Cong tries to get to Wenjing but when he attempts to make a pass, Wakaba catches the ball and Yuzuru doesn’t even know what happens next. Karen is suddenly on the other side of the court with the ball in her hands. No one knows how she got there, and then she scores.

“YES!” Nathan shouts from the sidelines, followed by even louder yelling by Mao and Kana.

Yuzuru runs to Karen and high-fives her. “Why didn’t you tell me you were good at this?”

“I’m not?” Karen smiles cunningly. “Let’s just say that the other team isn’t the only one who can rely on their gifts.”

Yuzuru laughs and pats her on the back.

He notices that his group’s taken his advice to heart. They were playing as one. Paying attention to one another, knowing when to pass and when to try and play on their own. It’s as if a different team was playing. He doesn’t know if it’s really because of something he said or if it just happened by itself. He likes it though; he likes the unity and the mutual understanding that seems to be between everyone.

On the other side of the court, Alex’s team is lost. Their plan is not working and it seems they don’t have another one. They score a few points but it’s obviously not what they’d expected. Yuzuru would feel bad about it, except he doesn’t. He loves that his team’s winning.

“How does it feel being a mortal again?” Yuzuru chuckles during one of the breaks. “I bet it must be refreshing.”

He looks at Alex and narrows his eyes, “Hm. Do I sense some frustration?”

Alex just shakes his head. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“You know I do.”

Yuzuru takes a gulp of water from his bottle. He didn’t realise how tired he was. Winning the game might’ve looked easy but it really wasn’t. Yuzuru scored a few times himself but his main goal was to give chances to others, so he mainly chased after the ball and then passed it to whomever seemed like the best option at the time.

“This isn’t over yet,” Alex warns him.

“I’m counting on it,” Yuzuru replies.

“I can feel the testosterone all the way over here,” Kanako yells from the other side of the court.

“Shut up, Kana,” Alex and Yuzuru say at the same time.

They look at each other and start laughing.

Alex scratches the back of his head, “I guess she’s right, though. We’re taking this way too seriously, aren’t we?”

“Are you saying that now because you’re losing?” Yuzuru grins. “Just admit that your team… what was the word?”

Yuzuru puts a finger on his chin and pretends to be thinking very hard. His eyes light up a moment later.

“Oh, I remember. Suck. That was it. Yeah,” he nods a few times. “Just admit that your team sucks and you won’t have to humiliate yourself any further.”

“You guys are ridiculous,” Maia sighs next to them, bending over to pick her own bottle of water. “I don’t think I can handle any more of this talk.” She takes a few sips.

“Stop listening then,” Yuzuru suggests.

“Yeah, if it were that easy.” Maia puts her bottle back down and makes sure her ponytail is tight enough. “Let’s finish this thing. I want it to be over already.”

To everyone’s surprise, Yuzuru’s team wins. It’s not by a lot, but it’s still a win. Partly, it’s thanks to Alex’s team not being able to come up with a good strategy once their old one stopped working, partly, it’s thanks to Karen who knew how to take advantage of her own gift and make the most of the situation.

They’re on their way to the dining hall. Everyone’s chatting about the match and even the other team seems to be in good spirits. Alex frowns a few times but even he admits, after a while, that Yuzuru’s team deserved to win. Maia and Wakaba are remembering one of the funnier falls that happened, and laughing together. Yuzuru smiles. It wasn’t just Karen; their whole team made the most of the situation, that’s why they won. But also…

He quickens his pace and catches up to Shoma.

“Hey,” Yuzuru says when he’s next to him.

“Hi.”

“You played really well today. I was impressed,” Yuzuru says.

“I was average, Yuzuru. I can’t really play basketball,” Shoma shrugs.

Yuzuru wants to step in and tell Shoma not to undervalue himself but then he realises that’s not what Shoma’s doing. He’s telling him this because he thinks it’s the truth. Yuzuru doesn’t want Shoma to think that he doesn’t take him seriously, so he just nods.

“Well, I was impressed nonetheless. And it’s not like I can play any better, to be honest,” he says.

Shoma doesn’t say anything and they walk in silence for a bit. They’re alone now, the group’s speed was too high to keep up with, and their legs are tired from the game.

Shoma looks up at the sound of Yuzuru clearing his throat. Yuzuru doesn’t know if he should be asking this but he’s curious.

“How did you know?” he says. “About Wenjing and Cong?”

“I watched them during the game and noticed that whenever Cong passed the ball to Wenjing, she stood still for a while and then started moving in a very uncharacteristic way. I didn’t think much of the moving and thought it was her way of playing the game but there was always this delay,” Shoma explains. “Cong would pass the ball and Wenjing would catch it and just not do anything for a split second. I found it weird and them having a shared gift was the only explanation I could come up with.”

He says it as if it were nothing. As if it were the most obvious thing in the world. He just watched them for a few minutes and saw that they weren’t acting like the rest of the team, so he assumed they shared a power. Yuzuru hadn’t known about their abilities until their second year at the camp. Shoma figured it out in mere minutes.

Yuzuru chuckles, “Yeah, they- “

Shoma raises his hand to stop him, “I don’t want to know.”

Yuzuru frowns. “Why?”

“I would like to find out by myself,” Shoma says.

Fair enough. Yuzuru won’t tell him if he doesn’t want to know. He still wonders though…

“Do you do this often?” he asks.

“Watch people, you mean?”

Yuzuru nods.

“Yeah. It helps me understand them in general.”

Yuzuru opens his mouth to speak again but the noise from the dining hall disturbs the moment. They walk in and don’t talk anymore. Each of them goes to sit with their friends; Shoma to the middle table and Yuzuru to the one on the right side of the hall.

Yuzuru tries but he can’t stop thinking about what Shoma said. He watches him and imagines how he’s sitting somewhere, probably alone, cataloguing every piece of interaction between people. The way they politely smile during greetings, how they jump up when they’re startled, the snickering when they’re gossiping about someone they don’t like. Is that what Shoma does?

Yuzuru tries to find any sense in it but he can’t. Maybe it’s because he can’t empathise with Shoma or maybe because he can empathise with everyone else. And that’s how Shoma talked about it. It was him and then the rest. Yuzuru was bothered by the idea. It seemed that Shoma viewed himself as someone else compared to other people. As an outcast that didn’t fit in. Yuzuru thought that seeing other people with gifts might’ve helped but it didn’t. Not in Shoma’s case.

He just can’t understand why would Shoma focus on others so much. Was it because he couldn’t tell emotions apart? Did he forget? Yuzuru had assumed that he just didn’t feel and had to pretend. But what Shoma said implied that he didn’t understand people with emotions at all. Yuzuru’s mind was in a whirlwind.

“Congratulations,” Mao squeezes his shoulders.

Yuzuru shakes his head.

“What?”

“Congratulations? On your win, today?” Mao looks confused. “Did you forget?”

“No, no. I was just thinking about- “

“He was thinking about stuff again,” Kana winks at him.

“Are you done?” Yuzuru says with his eyebrows raised.

“Not yet.” She licks her spoon. “I wonder how your sessions have been going.”

“No one’s stopping you. Keep on wondering,” Yuzuru goes back to his food.

“Oh, come on, Yuzu. Tell me what happened.” She scoots a bit closer to him and Yuzuru feels her arm brush against his.

Why did she have to be so nosy?

“Nothing happened. We had two sessions. I apologised to him, he said we’re alright and then we played some videogames. That’s it.”

He doesn’t know what Kanako’s hinting at and he doesn’t like it either. He needs to be careful with Shoma. He doesn’t know him and he clearly operates differently to anyone else. Befriending him is going to take some time and he doesn’t want to rush it.

“Aw, that’s a shame,” Kanako buries her spoon in the scoop of ice-cream in front of her. “I was hoping for something more.”

“I’m hoping you’ll start to care about your own group soon, instead of blabbering about mine.”

Kanako gives him an ice-cold look but then her eyes soften and the corners of her mouth turn up.

“You’re protective over him already. That’s cute.”

“Of course, I’m protective over him. He’s part of my group and he’s my training partner. It’s my job to be protective.”

“If you say so,” Kana says with a grin and stuffs her mouth with ice-cream.

***

Later that day, Yuzuru meets up with Shoma for another training session. They still don’t train but neither of them seems to mind.

Yuzuru’s sitting on his bed, Shoma’s on the other side. There’s comfortable silence between them. They haven’t been doing much, just talking about everything that’s happened that day. Shoma visited Mihoko, so he tells Yuzuru about that. Yuzuru just listens, occasionally asking a question or two.

Shoma doesn’t tell Yuzuru much and Yuzuru understands that but from what he knows, Shoma trusts Mihoko. It seems that he spends a lot of time there and shares his personal thoughts with her. Which Yuzuru likes to hear. It’s probably their only way to understand him better, and most importantly, to make him feel understood. He might not see it as something important right now, but Yuzuru knows that in hindsight, those hours spent in Mihoko’s office will have helped Shoma the most.

“I’m glad that you feel like you can tell her everything,” Yuzuru says.

“Yeah, she’s great. She doesn’t force me into anything and she listens when I speak. Do you know what I mean?”

Yuzuru only nods.

“Not many people do that,” Shoma continues.

Yuzuru isn’t surprised to hear that. Getting used to Shoma takes some time. He’s different, not necessarily bad different, just different. Yuzuru knows that he doesn’t treat him like he treats other people. He wonders if that’s a bad thing or if it’s just because the situation calls for it. He wants to act around him without thinking too much about it. Without waiting for a reaction because it won’t come. And Yuzuru knows that it’s not something that Shoma needs to change. No, Yuzuru told Shoma he wanted him to be himself. Yuzuru is the one who needs to change the way he sees Shoma.

“I think you listen to me as well,” Shoma’s voice pulls him out of his thoughts.

Yuzuru can’t help the smile that appears on his face. “Really?”

“Yeah… well,” Shoma tilts his head, “I didn’t think so at first but now I do.”

Yuzuru looks down but Shoma keeps talking.

“I understand that you have many questions but you ask them without making it seem like I’m some alien,” he says.

Yuzuru starts playing with the hem of his duvet. He doesn’t know what to reply. He’s happy that Shoma thinks that though. Yuzuru is trying and Shoma letting him know that he notices, only shows that he’s on the right path. The last part of Shoma’s sentence still resonates in Yuzuru’s head though.

He clears his throat, “I wanted to ask you earlier today…”

Shoma looks at him with earnest eyes. “Yes?”

“I’ve been wondering.” Yuzuru bites his lip. He doesn’t know how to ask this question without coming off as rude. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to but you said that you watch people to understand them better.”

Shoma just nods.

“What did you mean by that?”

Shoma tilts his head again, “Well, I don’t react in the same way that others do which, I guess, you’ve noticed. But because I react differently, I need to observe them to understand how emotions influence their behaviour. I pick up some reactions as well that help me pass as…,” he swallows, “… normal.”

He says all this in an intellectual manner and Yuzuru is impressed but at the same time, Shoma didn’t answer his question. Yuzuru doesn’t want to push him but his curiosity gets the best of him.

“I get that, but you must remember something from before. You can’t just forget how emotions made you feel,” Yuzuru says.

Shoma is quiet. Yuzuru wonders if he said something he shouldn’t have. Maybe he’s really crossed the line and asked something that Shoma wasn’t comfortable with answering yet. They don’t know each other that well and this was a personal question. It’s obvious that Shoma won’t answer. Yuzuru was rushing again, even though he promised himself he wouldn’t do that. Rushing always ruined his friendships, he doesn’t want it to ruin another one.

Yuzuru opens his mouth to speak but Shoma beats him to it.

“What do you mean when you say before?” he asks.

Yuzuru closes his mouth and just looks at him.

“Well, I mean, before,” he waves his hand as if that’s supposed to make it clearer. “Before your powers were triggered.”

Shoma still doesn’t answer. He uncrosses his legs and lays down on Yuzuru’s bed. He hums and then closes his eyes.

Yuzuru just keeps staring at him, not knowing what to do. He doesn’t know if this is Shoma’s normal behaviour. If he just felt like lying down or if he’s tired.

Yuzuru startles when Shoma opens his eyes and sees him staring back.

“Were your powers triggered?” Shoma asks.

Yuzuru doesn’t like that he’s sitting up and towering over him. It doesn’t feel right.

He lays down next to him. They’re both lying on their backs now, staring at the ceiling.

“I saw this in a movie once,” Shoma says. “And Mihoko does this as well. Whenever I come to her, she tells me to lie on her couch that she has in the room. Apparently, people talk more when they’re lying on it.”

Yuzuru chuckles, “Do you want me to open up my soul to you?”

Yuzuru senses some movement next to him and when he turns his head, he finds Shoma’s eyes on him.

“Will you answer my question?” Shoma asks him softly.

Yuzuru furrows his brow. It takes him some time before he remembers what Shoma’s question even was.

“Yeah.”

Shoma keeps staring at him intently, “Yeah, I will answer your question, or yeah, they were triggered?”

Yuzuru snorts and closes his eyes. “Both. Of course, they were triggered. Did you think I was born like this?” He shakes his head, laughing.

There’s silence. Yuzuru waits for Shoma to say something but nothing comes.

And then it hits him.

“You were,” he says in shock. 

Yuzuru sits up quickly. His head is starting to spin, a familiar feeling scratching at the walls of his mind.

Shoma’s sitting now as well. He raises his hand towards Yuzuru but doesn’t touch him.

“Are you okay?” he asks him.

Yuzuru’s not sure. He’s not sure if he’s okay and he’s not sure if he’s interpreting Shoma’s words correctly. He needs to know.

“Was there ever a ‘before’ for you?” he says, breathing hard.

Shoma lowers his hand, and then shakes his head.

And this. **_This_** hurts. Yuzuru doesn’t know why but the thought of Shoma living like this for so many years, without feeling anything, makes him want to throw up. Shoma’s lived like this his whole life. This is all he knows. Nothing less, nothing more. Yuzuru thinks back to what he said on the first day. He had called Shoma’s entire existence useless. It makes him sick.

“I am so sorry. I didn’t realise back then and me saying that sounds even more awful now. I don’t know why you’d want to have anything to do with me after I said that. I act as if I know everything but actually, I know nothing. You didn’t deserve those words and I’m so sorry for saying them. I just- “

There are hands on both of his arms, pressing on tightly. Shoma’s grip is almost painful, his nails are digging into Yuzuru’s skin. He forces Yuzuru to look at him.

“What are you talking about?”

“The first day,” Yuzuru says. He can hear his own voice tremble. He must look insane. He tries to get other words out but he can’t. They’re stuck in his throat.

“You already apologised. It’s okay,” Shoma’s voice is gentle but still loud enough for Yuzuru to hear over his heavy breathing.

“But I didn’t know back then and-,” Yuzuru gasps.

Suddenly, the hands, that have been holding him, are gone and Shoma’s gone with them. Yuzuru tries to lay down and breathe. He needs to calm himself down. He can hear his own heartbeat in his ears.

He feels someone touch his hand and when he opens his eyes, Shoma’s sitting next to him, holding a glass of water.

“Drink,” he says.

Yuzuru takes a few gulps of the offered water and then lays back down, closing his eyes again. He doesn’t know how many minutes have passed but eventually his heartbeat slowly returns back to normal.

“It’s happened again, hasn’t it?” Shoma’s voice breaks the silence.

Yuzuru still can’t answer him and Shoma takes it as his cue to continue.

“You keep going through these phases,” he almost whispers. “You went through one during the assembly on the first day and then again later that day in Brian’s office, didn’t you?”

Yuzuru nods against the pillow. “How do you know?”

“I told you, I’m good at noticing.”

Yuzuru can hear some clatter and then Shoma speaks again, “Do you want more water?”

Yuzuru sighs. “No, I think I’m fine.”

He sits back up and leans his head against the headboard. Shoma’s watching him closely as if he were watching an animal that could go wild any second.

“This is certainly going well, isn’t it? I should be taking care of you and instead you’re here, making sure I don’t go crazy,” Yuzuru says.

Shoma shakes his head, “I don’t think so. I think we should be taking care of each other. That’s what the main purpose of these trainings is.”

The corners of Yuzuru’s lips turn up.

“Thank you,” he whispers and Shoma smiles politely back.

“Can I ask you something?” Shoma says after he’s sat himself next to Yuzuru, mirroring his position and leaning his head back.

“If I can ask you something in return?” Yuzuru offers.

“Does it happen often?” Shoma asks, straightforward.

Yuzuru shrugs, “It started a few months ago.”

He thinks about his conversation with Brian and how different it is talking about this with Shoma. Yuzuru doesn’t think over every word before saying it. He’s decided that he’s going to be honest with Shoma and that’s what he’s been doing.

“Suddenly, I was unable to block out bigger crowds of people which hadn’t been a problem before and I didn’t think too much of it at first, but then this started happening.”

He rubs his eyes.

“What is it?” Shoma says.

“It’s hard to explain,” Yuzuru replies.

“You could try.”

Yuzuru looks at Shoma’s face and then down at his own hands.

“I think my brain is unable to process all the emotions coming through. There’s too many of them and each one is unlike the other. Each person experiences the same emotion in a different way and it’s confusing.”

Yuzuru sighs.

“Sometimes, I don’t even know if what I feel is really me or someone else. And then something happens, like before, and my brain just shuts down.”

“It can’t take it,” Shoma notes.

“Yeah.”

Yuzuru snickers, “With me talking about it like this, I bet you wish you won’t feel anything for the rest of your life.”

“I don’t really think about it.”

“Don’t you miss it though?” Yuzuru asks.

“No,” Shoma answers right away. “You can’t miss what you never had.”

There’s the pang in Yuzuru’s chest again. It’s unreasonable to feel it but it’s there. If Yuzuru could, he would give part of his gift to Shoma, just so he would know how it is to feel. It seemed that Shoma didn’t want to though.

“What was your question?” Shoma says.

Yuzuru had wanted to ask him something different but Shoma’s words keep echoing in his head.

“Why are you here, Shoma? You don’t want to feel, do you? You don’t miss it, you just said it yourself. If you had wanted to feel, you would’ve turned up here years ago.”

Shoma looks down. “I don’t, but others want me to. The least I can do is try.”

Yuzuru sits straighter. “Did someone pressure you into going here?” he asks, voice tight.

Shoma shakes his head quickly. “No, no. It’s not like that. I came here on my own.”

The words make Yuzuru relax a bit.

“I saw people’s reactions whenever they talked to me. I saw it with my friends, I saw it with my family. They kept giving me this look as if I were a burden, other times they just kept pitying me. I didn’t want to cause them any more troubles, so I came here.”

All Yuzuru can do is shake his head. Trying to figure out this boy was like solving a Rubik’s cube. Whenever Yuzuru got close enough to think that he’d almost done it, and twisted it to put the last missing square in its place, Shoma would say something that made Yuzuru turn the cube in his hand and realise that he’d scattered the colours on the other side.

The truth was that Shoma cared. Shoma cared so much. And the worst part about it all was that he didn’t care because of a voice at the back of his head telling him to. Not because of some nagging feeling that would make him do it. He cared because he wanted to. At one point in his life, Shoma decided that he would care about people. And Yuzuru can’t believe he didn’t notice it before.

“I’m sorry that others treat you like that and I’m sorry I treated you like that as well,” Yuzuru says.

“I don’t blame them for it. They don’t do it consciously. You didn’t do it consciously.” He pauses. “Emotions made you do it.”

Yuzuru snorts, “Yeah, let’s bash them. Life would be so much better without them anyway.”

“Would it?” Shoma asks.

“I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?”

Shoma looks at him, “I don’t have to.”

Yuzuru’s eyes flicker across his face before he realises what Shoma’s meant by that.

He bites his lip, “Can I?”

Shoma nods.

It’s different this time. Mainly because Yuzuru knows what to expect but maybe it’s because they’re alone now and he can fully concentrate on it. There are still some strange bits at the edges that Yuzuru can’t shake off but the core of it is quite calm today. He tries to focus on it but it’s not easy.

He offers his hand to Shoma, palm up. “Could you maybe- “

Shoma puts his hand on top of Yuzuru’s and Yuzuru takes a hold of it. He closes his eyes.

It’s as he remembers it but it’s not as scary as it was before. Yuzuru isn’t as scared as he was before. He welcomes the feeling that comes his way. It really is calming today, and quiet. He can imagine himself falling asleep and being surrounded by this. He envies Shoma a bit, Yuzuru’s head is usually the fullest when he’s trying to sleep. But like this, he would be asleep immediately.

He can feel Shoma squeeze his hand.

“You’re smiling,” Shoma says. “How does it feel?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think I can describe it to you. There’s nothing but at the same time there is so much.”

It was as if Yuzuru was lost in the deepest, darkest forest but he wasn’t scared. He wanted to keep wandering and go deeper and deeper. See what he might find there. The numbness was a blanket that covered him, keeping him away from harm. It was addicting.

It was also bizarre. It lacked everything Yuzuru had been used to and everything he had known. Yet, it was almost reassuring. The proof that something like this existed came with a soothing feeling that Yuzuru had never felt before.

Yuzuru lets go of Shoma’s hand and lays back on the bed. “Thank you,” he says.

Shoma lays on his side next to him. “How is it?” he asks.

“I think it’s different to me than it is to you. Obviously, I don’t know that for sure but I can compare it with other things that I’ve felt, and not feeling anything still makes me feel things.” He sighs, he’s starting to get lost. “I mean, I still have my emotions, so I can feel whatever it is you’re feeling through them.” He pauses. “Or not feeling.”

“Yeah,” Shoma just says. “Is it a bad feeling or a good feeling?”

Yuzuru mirrors Shoma on the bed, so he can look at him.

“When I tried it on the first day, it was bad.” He contemplates it and then corrects himself. “Or not necessarily bad, just strange.”

“And today?” Shoma asks.

“It’s not like that anymore. I think I’d prepared myself for it so when I experienced it, it… it just felt nice. Almost peaceful.”

He looks Shoma in the eyes. “Can you imagine it?”

Shoma shakes his head, “Not really. The way you talk about it though, it seems to be pleasant.”

Yuzuru smiles, “It is. It reminds me of how I was before.”

“Do you miss it?” Shoma rephrases Yuzuru’s question from earlier.

It’s true that Yuzuru complained about his powers, he sometimes felt like there were two versions of him; the one that had existed before his gift had developed, and the other one that he lived with now. Would he go back though?

“Everything was simpler back then. I didn’t have so much to think about but I wouldn’t change it. I got my powers for a reason, even if I don’t know what that reason is.”

Shoma seems to be thinking but his lips stay closed, and Yuzuru has this inexplicable need to reassure him.

“I think there’s a reason for yours as well,” he says.

Shoma hums, “I don’t mind if there isn’t.”

“You don’t?” Yuzuru presses.

Shoma lays on his back and rests his hands in his chest. His black shirt rides up and crumples at his sides, revealing a sliver of skin.

“No,” Shoma says and Yuzuru’s eyes snap back to his face. “Everyone thinks that I am bothered by not feeling anything but I really don’t mind it. I don’t know anything else. This is normal for me.”

Yuzuru closes his eyes and just listens to Shoma’s voice.

“I admit that there are some parts that are inconvenient but some emotions are inconvenient as well. There’s a downside to everything. I won’t mind if I’ll live like this for the rest of my life. I’ve lived like this for the past nineteen years and nothing bad happened.”

Yuzuru tries to imagine Shoma as a small baby, and how terrifying it must’ve been for his parents to not have him smile at them or react in any way, really.

Yuzuru’s been apparently thinking out loud because Shoma’s voice answers him, “They just thought I was less expressive than other kids. I still cried when I was hungry and stuff, so they didn’t spend much time thinking about it. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me either. It took me some time to figure out that I was different and I just started faking it after that.”

Yuzuru opens his eyes and frowns, “What do you mean?”

“I didn’t want to worry my parents, so I started watching other people and imitate their reactions and it worked for a while. It hadn’t been easy but I got better at it and it almost felt like it had always been a part of me.”

“What changed?” Yuzuru asks.

“They found out and got mad at me for not telling them. I thought that everything would go back to normal afterwards and I would be able to pretend with everyone knowing that I was pretending, but it didn’t, and now I’m here.”

Shoma sighs, “I don’t mind if I come home from this camp and nothing’s changed but I would like for them to be happy and not worry about me all the time.”

“You can’t blame yourself, Shoma. None of this is your fault. You’re a good person,” Yuzuru says.

Shoma needs to know this. Yuzuru wants him to know that he thinks that. That there is somebody who sees him for what he is, not for what he should be.

“Could we watch some of your movies?” Shoma asks and Yuzuru understands that he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.

“Of course,” Yuzuru whispers and puts one of the DVDs into the DVD player.

***

When Yuzuru closes the door behind Shoma that night, after wishing him good night, he realises that the person that came into his room earlier today was different to the person that left it. And yet, Shoma was still Shoma. The only thing that’s changed was the way Yuzuru viewed him.

Yuzuru had created this version of Shoma in his head. A version of a one-dimensional boy who couldn’t feel. And he didn’t let himself think past that image. Thinking about Shoma in that way was easy. It meant that there was a straight line which Yuzuru had to follow and maybe find something at the end.

But Shoma wasn’t like that. Shoma had come here because he thought it was something he owed to his family and friends. Shoma had come here not because he wanted to change for himself, but because he wanted to change himself for others. Just so they could have it easier.

Shoma was unlike anyone Yuzuru had ever met before.


	5. Chapter 5

Shoma is sitting under a tree. The same tree that he sat under on the second day of the camp. He sits there almost every day now. And just like on the second day, Yuzuru always sits with him.

Yuzuru wouldn’t admit it, not outright at least, but at some point, in the last two weeks, he started to think about it as their tree.

He’d thought it was silly when it crossed his mind for the first time, unaware of the smile that appeared on his face thanks to those two words. He’d kept it a secret, just a little thing that he would think of when walking around the camp. He’d go from one of his classes or from a session with Tracy and pass by the tree, smile and think _our tree._

He hadn’t planned on sharing this with Shoma, he didn’t even know why his mind came up with it. But then, one day when he was talking to Shoma and discussing what they might do later, it just slipped past his lips. When he realised what just happened, it was already too late. His cheeks turned red and his mouth was open to stutter out an explanation or an apology.

Shoma just nodded his head though, and said, “Yeah, our tree is fine. Same time as always?”

And that was it. So, now they’re sitting here, underneath their tree, both of their heads leaning against the trunk, and Shoma’s journal in his lap.

The air is warm enough for them to just wear their t-shirts. The sun’s made Shoma’s hair turn to lighter brown and the wind is playing with his curls, making them move from left to right and occasionally blowing a few strands in Shoma’s eyes. His brown eyes that are currently focused on something in the distance, Shoma’s brow furrowed.

He sighs, “Is she angry?”

Yuzuru blinks a few times. “What?”

Shoma’s eyes move from the person he’s been staring at to Yuzuru.

“Satoko. Is she angry?” he asks again.

Yuzuru turns his head and sees Satoko talking to Zijun near one of the camp buildings. Her head is down, shoulders hunched and Zijun puts a comforting arm around her not a minute later.

Yuzuru shrugs, “I don’t know.”

Shoma nudges him with his elbow. “Stop doing this and tell me.”

Yuzuru forces himself to smile, “I’m not telling you anything. And I’m most certainly not going to be rummaging through other people’s emotions without their consent.”

“How am I supposed to get better at this when I have no idea if what I’m guessing is even correct then?” Shoma says.

Yuzuru stretches his arms above his head and closes his eyes. “I guess you’ll never know. People don’t- “

“People don’t know what others are feeling. Yeah, I know. It’s what you always say.”

Yuzuru chuckles.

“Just,” Shoma sighs again. “We’re supposed to be training, right?”

Yuzuru opens his eyes and looks at him. Shoma has crossed his arms, his eyes narrowed.

“You’re supposed to help me get better at this but you’re just sitting here being no help at all,” he sighs again, this time even louder than before.

Yuzuru starts laughing, “Are you trying to appear like you’re mad at me right now?”

“Yeah.” Shoma hesitates. “Is it working?”

He furrows his brow in what’s probably meant to look like irritation but to Yuzuru he just resembles a puppy.

Yuzuru breaks into a fit of giggles, “No, not really. It’s nice of you to try though.”

There’s a crease that’s formed itself on Shoma’s forehead and Yuzuru lightly presses his index finger against it. Shoma doesn’t move for a while but he isn’t tense. His eyes open a bit wider, followed by a small parting of his lips. He doesn’t say anything, just watches Yuzuru, waiting for whatever’s going to happen next.

Yuzuru’s finger presses a bit harder and moves from the top of Shoma’s forehead to the bridge of his nose. He watches the line slowly smooth out until it disappears completely, making Shoma look like he always does. Shoma swallows and then parts his lips again. Yuzuru’s eyes follow the motion and then settle on Shoma’s own.

He clears his throat.

“You shouldn’t be frowning or you’ll get wrinkles very soon,” he says.

Shoma blinks a few times and then swats Yuzuru’s hand away, “You’re annoying today.”

Yuzuru chuckles and puts his arms behind his head. “Yeah, I am annoying most days. You’ll get used to it.”

“Yuzuru, come on, please.”

Yuzuru dramatically sighs and then gives up, “Okay, just pick someone else.”

Shoma looks at him and then back at Satoko’s retreating form. He doesn’t ask and Yuzuru is glad. They’ve been having fun and talking about people who are not dealing with their gifts very well would only ruin that.

Yuzuru catches a sight of Patrick and Javi coming back from the pool and he points at them, “Let’s try Javi with Patrick.”

Their pace is slow and they’re currently in the middle of a conversation which makes them the perfect example to be used. They’re far away not to notice that they’re being watched but close enough for Shoma to decipher their expressions and see their gestures.

Shoma hums.

“Well?” Yuzuru presses.

“I’m trying to concentrate,” Shoma huffs.

Yuzuru bites his lip as he tries not to laugh.

“Patrick seems to be excited about something but…”

Shoma picks up his journal and starts flipping through the pages.

“You’re cheating now,” Yuzuru notes.

“No, I am not. You can compare people’s displays of emotions to your own, I can’t. That’s what I have my diary for,” Shoma says, fingers flicking through.

Finally, he finds the page he’s been looking for. He looks at Patrick and then back in his journal.

Shoma turns his head to Yuzuru and raises his chin. “He’s proud.”

Yuzuru doesn’t know if Shoma’s imitating Patrick or if his raised chin is one of the bullet points that are listed beneath the word “proud” in his diary. Or if it’s a combination of both. It’s a good portrayal though. Yuzuru must admit that. It’s still obvious to Yuzuru that he’s faking it but to anybody else it would appear natural.

Yuzuru looks at Patrick and tries to concentrate himself. There are a lot of emotions running through him right now but Shoma’s grasped at the two most obvious ones and that’s enough for Yuzuru.

He nods, “Yeah, he is. What about Javi?”

Shoma stares at Javier for quite some time but doesn’t come up with anything. Yuzuru can almost see the little clogs turning in his head and it’s only after Javi and Patrick turn the corner and are out of their sight when Shoma finally gives up.

“I don’t know. I’d say he didn’t feel anything but I’m sure he did, I just don’t know what it was,” he says.

Yuzuru thinks about just telling him but then something better comes to his mind.

He sits up straighter and stretches his arm out to Shoma, “Come here.”

Shoma shuffles, so he’s sitting closer to Yuzuru and Yuzuru takes the journal out of his hands, “May I?”

Shoma nods.

They’re sitting close enough for Shoma to see whatever Yuzuru’s trying to find in his journal, but Yuzuru can still feel him lean against him.

“What are you doing?” Shoma asks.

Yuzuru bites his lip and reads through some of the pages. “Do you have any system in it?”

Shoma shrugs, “Not really. I just write down the emotion that I see and then add what signs are usually connected to it. I tried writing down all of the emotions at first but I couldn’t remember them all, so it’s a bit messy.”

“Yeah,” Yuzuru hums. “There are a lot of them, so it makes sense that you haven’t described them all.”

“I don’t even know if some of them are described correctly,” Shoma admits.

Yuzuru raises his eyebrow, “Mihoko doesn’t go through them with you?”

Shoma shakes his head, “No, she just wants me to write it for me.”

“Oh.”

Yuzuru didn’t realise. He closes the journal and hands it back to Shoma. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry then.”

“No, I want you to look. You can help me with this and there isn’t anything in it that you wouldn’t know already anyway.”

Yuzuru studies him for a second but Shoma seems to be earnest when he says this. Yuzuru doesn’t know if he’d react differently were he able to feel embarrassment or shyness regarding the contents of his diary, but he doesn’t dwell on it for long.

He opens the journal again, “Okay, so, we can go through the bullet points under every emotion and you’ll tell me if that’s what you saw with Javi or not. How does that sound?”

Shoma hesitates before nodding.

“What is it?” Yuzuru asks.

“I didn’t notice anything. It must’ve been too subtle for me to catch it,” Shoma says.

Yuzuru isn’t surprised to hear that. “That’s okay. You can tell me what you didn’t see and maybe we’ll find a thing or two that’ll fit.”

“Okay,” Shoma whispers.

They cross out anger, sadness, disgust, outrage and other emotions that have very visible representations. As they move to other emotions, Yuzuru realises that Shoma’s journal is missing quite a few which makes completing their task quite difficult and he points it out.

“I know. That’s what I told you,” Shoma says.

“That’s fine. We can work with what we have.”

Yuzuru looks down at what’s left. _Trust, distrust, wonder_ and _curiosity_.

“Cross out the first two,” Shoma says.

Yuzuru pauses before doing so, “Do you think Javi doesn’t trust Patrick but at the same time trusts him?”

“What you just said doesn’t make any sense,” Shoma says and takes the pen out of Yuzuru’s hand. He crosses out the first two words. “They weren’t the primal emotion that Javi felt. That’s what I’m trying to say.” He sighs, “Which wonder and curiosity weren’t either. Maybe curiosity, but…”

“But?” Yuzuru presses.

“No, he wasn’t curious.”

Yuzuru smiles, “No, he really wasn’t.”

He takes the journal and finds a new page that has nothing written on it. When he gives it back to Shoma, there’s a new emotion at the top.

“Oh,” Shoma says. “Interest. I haven’t really thought of that.”

“Yeah, people sometimes forget it and it doesn’t present itself in a very noticeable way anyway.”

Shoma takes the pen from Yuzuru, their fingers momentarily brushing, and looks him in the eyes. “How does it present itself?”

Yuzuru scratches the back of his head. “I don’t know. Not really. Um… You’re focused on the person or object that interests you but I guess you know that.”

Shoma nods.

“You don’t blink much?” Yuzuru continues. “I really don’t know.”

He giggles, noticing Shoma scribbling something down. Yuzuru’s hand takes a hold of Shoma’s, ceasing his writing. “Don’t write that down! It might be all wrong,” he laughs.

“No, it’s good. Anything helps,” Shoma says. “Do you know more?”

Yuzuru lets his hand fall back down and thinks, “They usually say that when you’re interested in something, or rather someone, your pupils are dilated. But I don’t know if that works with everyone every time.”

Shoma’s hand suddenly falters and he looks up. Yuzuru is surprised by the intensity of the stare he’s met with and he quickly lowers his eyes. He doesn’t know why Shoma’s been looking at him like this but he’s glad that when he looks back up a minute later, Shoma’s attention has been drawn back to his journal.

“Now I wonder what they were talking about,” Shoma adds after reading through his newly-written notes, closing his diary.

“Well, they were on their way from the pool, so knowing Patrick, I think it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?” Yuzuru raises his eyebrows.

Shoma stares at him blankly.

“Wait, how far are you with your investigation of other people’s powers?” Yuzuru wonders.

Shoma shrugs, “Um, not very far. I might have a few gifts figured out but- “

“Not Patrick,” Yuzuru adds.

“Yeah,” Shoma says. “I don’t want you to tell me though.”

“I wasn’t going to.” Yuzuru eyes the journal lying in Shoma’s lap. “Can I look at the ones you do have figured out?”

Shoma grabs the journal and holds it tightly in his hands. He shakes his head. “I don’t want to share it until I have all of them.”

“Um.” Yuzuru widens his eyes. “You want to guess all of them?”

He doesn’t want to underestimate Shoma, but the camp was big, there were a lot of people in it, and Yuzuru himself didn’t know every single gift. That was impossible.

“Well,” Shoma tilts his head, “not all of them, but at least all of the supervisors?”

“That’s reasonable, I guess,” Yuzuru says and then grins, “You’ve got a head start, thanks to me.”

Shoma raises his eyebrows, “Do you really think you’re the only one I know the power of?”

The tone of his voice is almost challenging. It throws Yuzuru off a little. Shoma doesn’t usually act like this, doesn’t speak or look like this.

Then it hits him.

“You need to stop doing this. I was ready to call Brian,” Yuzuru whines.

“Did you think I wasn’t faking it?” Shoma asks. There’s not a trace of curiosity in his voice, so Yuzuru supposes he’s gone back to his usual self.

“Maybe? I don’t know anymore,” Yuzuru groans. “Can I just ask something of you?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t do it, please. I told you that I don’t want you to pretend, and it only scares me when you do. I like you the way you are. You know that, right?”

“No, I… I didn’t know that,” Shoma says.

Yuzuru can feel his cheeks getting hot and he looks down, voice quivering. “I didn’t mean it like that. Not that I don’t like you, I do. I just didn’t want it to sound like… I meant that… I just…”

He takes a deep breath and tries to shake his head to get his thoughts in order, then he finally looks up. “You being you is enough for me. That’s what I’m trying to say.”

“What if I am being myself when I’m messing with you?” Shoma says.

And that’s. Yuzuru wasn’t expecting that. He really doesn’t know what to say now, so he just shrugs.

“Then I guess you can do that. Just warn me first or something,” Yuzuru waves his hand in front of his face.

“Okay,” Shoma replies, and then visibly shivers.

It’s a full-body shiver that looks so funny and strange on him that it makes Yuzuru laugh. That is until a big drop lands right on the top of his head, making him jerk as well. It doesn’t take much longer for the rain to really start pouring down, not leaving anything around dry.

Yuzuru and Shoma sit under the tree a while longer before Yuzuru realises that it doesn’t provide a great shelter and they should go and hide from the now very heavy rain.

“I think we should head to one of the buildings,” Yuzuru shouts loud enough for his voice to be heard over the falling raindrops.

“Okay,” Shoma shouts back.

Yuzuru grabs Shoma’s diary in one hand and Shoma’s hand in the other, and they both run as fast as they can to the nearest building. There’s so much water on the ground already that every step makes it splash around their ankles and they are drenched from head to toe within seconds.

Yuzuru realises that it can’t get any worse than this, so he pulls Shoma by the hand to make him move to a different direction. He wants to tell him before he does it but there’s no tension between their hands when Yuzuru suddenly turns to the right, Shoma just willingly follows wherever Yuzuru leads them to. So, Yuzuru just runs through the droplets of water with Shoma in tow until they’re both in Yuzuru’s building.

When they finally make it to Yuzuru’s room, they are soaked. Water’s dripping from their hair, their shirts and their trousers, their sneakers making squeaky noises whenever one of them tries to move.

Shoma’s hair is stuck together in odd places, most of it is matted on his forehead, making him unable to see through it. Droplets of water keep falling from the strands. Yuzuru supposes he doesn’t look any better but just watching Shoma stand in the middle of his room like this makes the corners of his mouth turn up and he has to bite down a laugh.

Then he notices that Shoma’s wrapped his arms around himself and is visibly shivering.

Oh.

Yuzuru makes his way to the wardrobe and starts searching for a few items of clothing that he could lend him. He finds a long-sleeved shirt, a pair of sweatpants and some warm socks. He hands them to Shoma.

“I’m pretty sure not all of it will fit but I suppose that’s not important now,” he says with a warm smile.

Shoma takes the clothes from Yuzuru’s hands with hesitation. He bows a little bit and then starts looking around the room.

“You can go change into the bathroom,” Yuzuru says, pointing to the room as if Shoma didn’t know where it is.

Shoma nods a few times, mumbles a quiet ‘thank you’ and then disappears behind the bathroom door.

Yuzuru stands there, staring at the door Shoma’s just disappeared behind until there’s a small puddle around him and he realises that he really should find some dry clothes for himself as well. When he’s changed and Shoma still hasn’t come out of the bathroom, he decides to head to the small kitchenette on his floor.

He’s pouring hot water into one of the two mugs when he hears Shoma’s voice.

“Yuzuru?”

Yuzuru turns his head and sees Shoma peeking out of his room with searching eyes.

“I’ll be right back,” Yuzuru calls at him.

“Okay,” Shoma adds quietly.

Yuzuru takes both mugs and heads back to his room. Shoma is standing awkwardly in the middle of it as if it was his first time there. His hands are hidden by the too-long sleeves of Yuzuru’s shirt and Yuzuru didn’t think he’d be drowning in it this much. He smiles a little. It’s cute.

He clears his throat and hands Shoma one of the mugs, “I’ve made you hot cocoa to warm you up a bit.”

“Oh, thank you.”

Shoma takes the mug into his sweater paws and normally Yuzuru would be worried that some of the hot cocoa could spill onto the sleeves, but right now he doesn’t even care.

Shoma blows on it a few times and then brings the mug to his lips, he takes a small sip of the cocoa and then pulls a face.

“You don’t like it?” Yuzuru asks quickly, “You don’t have to drink it if the taste is awful.”

“No, no. It’s good,” Shoma says. He licks his lips. “Do you have a bit of sugar?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Yuzuru jogs back to the kitchenette and brings back a bowl full of small packets of sugar. He was debating getting just one or two but he doesn’t know how sweet Shoma likes his cocoa, so he’s brought the whole bowl instead.

He presents it to Shoma.

“I have already put some sugar in it, so I didn’t think you’d want more,” Yuzuru apologises.

Shoma sets his mug on the night stand and takes five packets of sugar out of the bowl.

“That’s okay. I like sweet things and I put a lot of sugar in my drinks. You couldn’t have known,” he says and tears the first packet open, pouring its content into his mug.

Yuzuru watches Shoma tear one packet after another and he bites his lip and tries not to say anything but when Shoma’s at the fourth one, he can’t help it.

Yuzuru raises his hand towards him, “Um, don’t you think it’s sweet enough by now?”

Shoma opens the fourth packet and carelessly pours it into his drink.

“No,” he says calmly.

“You haven’t tasted it yet,” Yuzuru stresses.

Shoma shrugs, “It can only get sweeter.”

Yuzuru widens his eyes, “Yeah, that’s…” He swallows. “I guess that doesn’t bother you,” he adds under his breath.

When Shoma’s done with sweetening his drink, he brings it to his lips for the second time and Yuzuru watches as he takes a sip. Yuzuru grimaces when Shoma swallows but Shoma only sighs with his eyes closed.

“Is it good?” Yuzuru asks.

“It’s delicious now,” Shoma answers, sticking his tongue out and licking his upper lip.

Yuzuru doesn’t believe that any drink that has more sugar than water in it could taste delicious, like Shoma says, but if Shoma likes it, he won’t argue with him. He takes a sip of his unsweetened green tea and goes to lie in his bed.

He covers himself with the duvet and when he sees Shoma standing on the other side of the bed, he pats the empty space next to him and Shoma eventually lays there. Yuzuru takes the duvet and puts it over him as well.

“I noticed you were still shivering,” Yuzuru says.

He doesn’t even know why he felt the need to justify his actions, but Shoma just nods, cradling the disgustingly sweet hot cocoa in his hands as if it were his most precious possession. Yuzuru makes a face at him and Shoma chuckles. Then he stiffens.

“Oh, I am sorry. I didn’t want to do that,” he says.

“Hm?”

“I just chuckled and you don’t want me to do that,” Shoma explains.

Oh no. This is all wrong. Yuzuru didn’t want this to happen.

“Shoma,” he says and angles his body, so he can face him, “I don’t want you to think that you can’t show emotion when you’re around me. I understand that it’s something you’ve gotten used to over the years and I don’t want you to stop doing that.” He shakes his head. “What I meant by telling you that I don’t want you to fake anything in front of me is that I don’t want you to go out of your way and try to behave like others do. Does that make sense?”

Shoma contemplates Yuzuru’s words and then nods. “So, if you say something funny or act silly and I laugh or giggle, it’s okay?”

Yuzuru smiles, “Yeah, I mean, that is only going to boost my ego. Of course, I want you to laugh at my jokes.”

He puts his mug down and then realises something.

He turns back to Shoma.

“Wait, what did you mean by me acting silly?” he asks him.

Shoma hides his face in his cup and mumbles, “You act sillier than most people.”

Yuzuru knew that he was silly sometimes, he was very expressive and his face sometimes lived a life of its own. He didn’t know it was something a person would notice in a few weeks’ time. Most importantly, he didn’t know that he acted silly in front of Shoma.

“I like it,” Shoma says. “I like that you’re silly.”

Yuzuru blinks a few times. “Thank you, I guess.”

He crosses his eyes for good measure and feels Shoma kick him under the covers.

“Stop doing that,” Shoma says.

He finishes his drink, a bit of dark milk still staying on his lips, and puts his cup on the night stand as well.

“Could we watch one of Brian’s movies?” he asks Yuzuru.

Yuzuru chuckles. He likes how they’ve started calling them Brian’s movies even though they don’t even know if they’re his or if someone had brought them to the camp. They like watching them, but what they like even more is imagining Brian watching them which usually results in them just discussing and making fun of Brian’s poor life choices when it comes to cinema.

Yuzuru hops off the bed and picks one of the romantic movies that they have been planning to watch. It’s one of those cheesy romances that are based on some books by a writer that Yuzuru’s never heard of. Some of the films are good, some are worse. Yuzuru is mostly surprised at the fact that there are so many of them in the box.

This one tells a story about another boy and a girl who love each other but unfortunate circumstances get in the way of their love. Yuzuru doesn’t pay much attention to the movie and mostly just scrolls through his phone.

They’re halfway in when Shoma hums.

“What is it?” Yuzuru asks, setting his phone down.

“I know we keep making fun of these movies but they are really nice when you think about it,” Shoma says. “The thought behind it,” he continues, “It’s beautiful, don’t you think?”

Yuzuru looks at the TV and then back at Shoma and deliberates whether to just nod and go back to his phone but then decides against it.

“I don’t know. What do you find beautiful about it?”

Shoma tilts his head, “The whole idea behind it. Behind the relationships. The stories are about people who don’t need to be together, it’d be easier for them to just break up but they love each other so much that they fight for their love. That’s what I find beautiful.”

He looks at Yuzuru and Yuzuru nods, “I guess it is.”

“I wonder what it feels like,” Shoma says after a few minutes of silence.

“To be in love?” Yuzuru asks.

“Yeah.”

“It’s nice,” Yuzuru shrugs. “Every person experiences it differently but it’s a very intense feeling that is usually connected to other emotions as well, even fear sometimes. But overall, it’s a pleasant feeling.”

Shoma studies him before speaking again.

“You don’t seem happy when you’re talking about it. Do you have bad experiences with love?”

Yuzuru lets out a small laugh, “I wish I had any.”

“You’ve never been in love?” Shoma asks.

“I don’t know, Shoma.”

Yuzuru doesn’t want to be talking about this but they’ve started and it wouldn’t be fair to Shoma if he decided to end the conversation right now without giving him a proper explanation. So, he continues.

“I have felt love but I don’t know if I’ve ever been in love myself,” Yuzuru says.

Shoma tilts his head again, “Everyone says that you know when you’re in love. That you recognise it even if you’ve never felt it before.”

“And that’s probably the problem with me,” Yuzuru says. “Because I have felt it before, just not as myself. And now I can’t even tell if what I feel sometimes, is really me or someone else.”

Yuzuru tries to smile but what shows up on his face must look like a grimace because Shoma lowers his eyes. Yuzuru tries not to think about it too often but it’s times like these when he really wishes his gift didn’t exist or appeared a few years later.

He hates that the first time he felt butterflies in his stomach, the first time his tongue got stuck in his throat and he couldn’t properly breathe, it wasn’t because he’d fallen in love. It was because someone else had.

And it only got worse later when someone fell in love with him. Because there were a few people who had; some just had small crushes, others felt real love. The problem was that Yuzuru didn’t know if he loved them back, or if it was just their emotions projected onto him. So, he never pursued the feeling and it didn’t get a chance to develop into something more. Into something that might’ve been love.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Shoma says.

“It’s okay. You learn to live with it. I have,” Yuzuru shrugs it off.

They go back to watching the movie but Yuzuru’s not in the mood anymore and he thinks he might start falling asleep soon anyway, when he hears Shoma’s quiet voice again.

“Do you… Do you think it’s possible for someone to fall in love with me?” he whispers.

That question wakes Yuzuru up a little bit. He blinks a few times and tries to get his thoughts together. He props himself up and looks at Shoma.

“Falling in love isn’t a conscious thing, Shoma. It just happens. I am sure someone will fall in love with you someday.”

“I guess,” Shoma nods but doesn’t seem to be satisfied with Yuzuru’s answer. “Would that person want to stay with me though? When they know that I can’t love them back?”

Yuzuru opens his mouth and then closes it again. He understood why Shoma was asking this. Yuzuru supposes that falling in love with Shoma was like falling in love with anyone else. He even had his own little quirks that one could fall in love with. Being in a one-sided relationship with him though? He doesn’t know if someone would want that.

He has to reprimand himself for thinking like this. He was underestimating Shoma. Just because he can’t love, doesn’t mean he wouldn’t care for the person and make them feel good. Yuzuru doesn’t know what being in a relationship with a person that has feelings is like, he can’t even imagine what a relationship with Shoma would look like.

“It would probably depend on the person. If they really loved you, they would want to stay with you,” Yuzuru says.

It’s the most honest thing he can come up with now and he honestly believes it.

“I don’t think so,” Shoma says. “If what you’re saying is true, then why hasn’t it happened already?”

And Yuzuru doesn’t know what to say to that. He doesn’t want Shoma to think that he’s unlovable, that people are uncapable of loving him. There’s his family, his friends that Yuzuru knows he has back home; they all love him. He’s sure of that. Yuzuru also knows that that’s not the love Shoma was talking about though. Romantic love was different to platonic love, Yuzuru realised that.

He could tell him that but Shoma doesn’t need to hear it. Yuzuru figures that words would only cause more harm now, so he finds Shoma’s hand underneath the covers and squeezes it tightly. Shoma squeezes back and Yuzuru hopes that the simple touch conveyed more than his words ever could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, friends. Come scream at me in the comments. <3


	6. Chapter 6

Yuzuru is standing on Tracy’s ladder, a bunch of books in his hands. Ten minutes into their session Tracy decided that she needed help sorting them and Yuzuru was happy to help. It’s not like the session was going anywhere, according to him at least.

“How’s your group doing?” Tracy asks him.

Yuzuru looks up from the pile of books he’s holding, taking the one at the top and putting it on the shelf in front of him.

He shrugs, “They’re fine, I think. I haven’t had much time to ask them about their progress. We’ve been mostly playing games and just hanging out with other people.”

“Are you meeting with them today?”

Yuzuru nods, “Yeah, before the group competition. We need to have a meeting of sorts, so I know how they’re doing and if their partners are fine. Brian wants us to give him some info.”

Yuzuru picks up another book and puts it next to the first one.

“I think everything’s okay though. They would’ve come to me if it hadn’t been,” Yuzuru finishes.

Tracy hums.

“How’s your partner?” she asks.

Yuzuru gets off the ladder before grabbing another pile and climbing back up.

He clears his throat, attempting nonchalance, “Shoma?”

Yuzuru can see Tracy raise her eyebrows back at her desk. “Yes? Unless you have a new one that I don’t know about?”

Yuzuru chuckles, “No, um, he’s okay. In his own terms, I mean. Nothing’s changed since he arrived. He’s just… well…”

Yuzuru tries to look for the right words to say but his brain only affords one. He sighs, “He’s just Shoma.”

Yuzuru smiles to himself and stacks up another book. He waits for Tracy to ask for more, but nothing comes. When he looks over his shoulder at her, she quickly adverts her eyes back to her paperwork.

“We mostly watch movies and play videogames. He likes playing videogames, so that’s nice,” Yuzuru bites his lip. “The movies are good, I think, they depict different kinds of emotions which is useful for practice.” He puts another book on the shelf. “And we observe people together and he tries to guess what they’re feeling, and I tell him if he’s right or not.”

Tracy looks up, “Do you use your powers for that?”

Yuzuru widens his eyes, “Oh, I probably shouldn’t be doing that, right? I’ve tried to stop using my powers without the permission from others.”

Tracy shakes her head, “If you’re doing it during your sessions with him and it’s obvious to me that that’s the reason for this, I think you may continue. I certainly won’t tell anyone about it.”

Yuzuru nods and goes back to stacking the books, “Okay.”

Tracy had her methods during her sessions. Yuzuru didn’t know if she had a different one for different people. But she knew Yuzuru would tell her more if he were preoccupied, focused on something else, feeling as if what he’s saying doesn’t bear any importance at all. She knew that, and Yuzuru knew it as well, yet he spilled every time. He had no idea how Tracy did it but her presence always made him feel safe. Yuzuru wondered if Shoma shared this with Mihoko. If lying in that chair he’d told him about made him tell her every one of his deepest thoughts.

Yuzuru shakes his head, knowing that if he starts thinking too much about it now, he won’t be able to stop.

“Are you going today?” he asks Tracy. “To watch the game?”

Tracy picks one of the papers that are spread over her desk, “No, Brian needs me at the institute.”

She frowns and puts it back down.

“He was asking about you, by the way. He wants to know how you’re doing,” she says.

Yuzuru hesitates before bending down to pick up another stack of books.

“I’m good,” he says, trying to sound as calm as he can.

He bites his lip, “I’m not saying it can’t be better but compared to how I was a few weeks ago, I think I’m doing fine.”

He shrugs and starts putting the books on the shelf again.

“Have you been practicing lately?” Tracy asks, leaning against her chair.

Yuzuru hesitates again, a sudden wave of guilt washing over him. “No, not really.”

He clears his throat and tries to speak louder, “I haven’t had much time to practice lately. I used to practice with Javi but now that he’s not my training partner, there’s no way for me to train anymore.”

Yuzuru can feel his face getting hotter, knows that it’s a pointless lie. He’s making excuses. He’s making excuses because he’s been getting better and he’s scared that if he were to train with someone all of it would fall apart and he’d realise he hasn’t gotten better at all.

Tracy sees right through him.

“You could train with your group,” she says.

Yuzuru gets off the ladder he’s been standing at and looks at her. “I don’t think they’d be overly happy with me suggesting that.”

Tracy shrugs, “You never know if you never try. They’d been all quite amazed by your powers if what I heard is true. I think they’d enjoy you showing them some of your skills.”

“I guess,” Yuzuru mumbles.

He doesn’t like the idea even though he must admit that it is a good one. He needs to stop avoiding training. He won’t get any better if he doesn’t train and it’s not like he hasn’t been thinking about it almost every day anyway. That nagging voice in his head has been telling him that he can’t be sure whether he’s made a progress if there’s no one to challenge him.

Tracy sighs.

“Come here,” she says, motioning with her hand.

Yuzuru takes the few steps that are separating him from Tracy’s desk and sits down opposite her. Tracy’s hand is already on the desk.

Yuzuru rolls his eyes.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me. Come on,” Tracy presses.

Yuzuru reluctantly raises his arm from his lap and puts his hand in Tracy’s.

“Well? Can you tell what I’m feeling right now?”

“Yeah, I don’t need to hold your hand for it,” Yuzuru says.

Tracy’s hold on his hand tightens. It’s not a friendly hold and Yuzuru doesn’t have to look in her eyes to know that she’s annoyed with him. He’d know that even without his powers.

“If you don’t want to work on it, we can end this session and you can go back to your room. I certainly have enough of other things to do,” Tracy says.

Yuzuru swallows and shakes his head, “No, I’m sorry.”

“Okay.”

Yuzuru closes his eyes and tries to focus. He used to have a technique and it worked every single time… until it didn’t. He tries to tell himself that it’s not that hard. He’d been working on this. With Brian, with Javi, with Tracy. It hadn’t been easy at the beginning. Just because he got used to handling it didn’t mean he forgot how it’d felt when it all started.

It was always harder when the other person was touching you. The real, palpable connection the touch represented both helped Yuzuru feel when he wanted to but also kept him from not feeling at the same time. Tracy knew that. That’s why she offered her hand in the first place. And Yuzuru knew it as well. That’s why he was so irritated when he saw it lying in front of him. The hurdle that the hand embodied was the only thing in the forefront of his mind.

He tries to remember his old technique, but he hasn’t used it in so long, his capability of blocking emotions had become so natural, that he forgot what it even entailed.

Yuzuru thinks about letting go of Tracy’s hand and simply admitting that he can’t do it, when an idea pops into his head.

The thing is, Yuzuru had always struggled with blocking emotions. He’d gotten better at it before he relapsed, but that doesn’t mean it had been easy. He’d learned a trick or two over the years and almost didn’t have to think about the action when he did it.

Almost.

Yuzuru had always thought about it as a marathon. He was the runner and the surrounding emotions were the path he was about to conquer. He’d been training for this marathon and was well prepared and at the start, he’d felt fine. But the more kilometres he’d run, the more emotions he’d block, the more he’d start to realize that it wasn’t that easy at all. The more he ran, the slower he was. Suddenly, even breathing was hard and he was painfully aware of every little emotion he had to block. The number of emotions was endless, his path was endless. This wasn’t a marathon, this was a race that had no end.

There’s always been this one problem. Ever since he’d got his powers, in order to block them Yuzuru had to feel nothing. That’s what Brian told him soon after they met. Which probably sounded simple but how was he supposed to do it? How could he imagine something he had no real experience with?

Yuzuru had to find other ways to deal with his powers that were different to the one Brian had suggested because he knew it wouldn’t work. And Brian realized it soon as well.

That wasn’t true now though. Not anymore. He knew what feeling nothing felt like. He’d experienced it more than once. He was almost familiar with it. He could clearly envision it, grasp it and hold onto it. He could seek out this feeling inside himself when he needed to. He couldn’t before but now it was possible. It was possible thanks to Shoma.

Yuzuru doesn’t know how or when he did it but suddenly Tracy’s feelings disappeared. He’s still holding her hand, he’s even looking into her eyes now, but he can’t tell what she’s feeling anymore. Tracy realises it at the same time or maybe a few seconds after he does.

She lets go of his hand, “Well, that didn’t take you that long, did it?”

Yuzuru tries to bite back his smile but fails, “I guess.”

Tracy narrows her eyes at him. “Is there something you’re not telling me?”

The smile fades from Yuzuru’s face and he quickly shakes his head. “No, nothing.”

Tracy doesn’t seem to be believe him, but she nods nonetheless. “Okay. You can go if you want to.”

Yuzuru is relieved to hear that. He doesn’t want to be scrutinized by her any longer.

He gets up to leave but when he’s passing by some of the books that still need to be sorted, he notices one that is lying right at the top and he picks it up.

He turns to Tracy, “Do you think I could take this one?”

Tracy looks up from her papers, but she doesn’t look at the book. “You can take any book you want to, Yuzu. You know that.”

Yuzuru smiles and grasps the book tighter, “Thank you.”

“No problem. And Yuzu?”

“Yes?”

“Don’t forget to train,” Tracy says in a stern voice.

Yuzuru nods, “Will do.”

***

It might be the hottest day of the camp so far. The sun is beating down and the air is so dense that it’s almost impossible to breathe. Everyone’s out, there are blankets spread all over the grass, some closer to the pool, some hidden in the shadows of the trees.

Yuzuru is sharing his with Kana, Mao and Javi. They have been talking about interesting bits that they’ve learned about their groups over the last couple of days. Yuzuru has been embarrassingly silent. He knows he needs to sit down with his group and ask them how they’re doing but whenever he tried, the conversation always changed its path and they either ended up talking about far more exciting stuff or not talking about anything at all, and playing games instead.

Which now resulted in him having no clue how far they’ve progressed or whether they’ve progressed at all.

He listens to Javi talk about his group when he mentions Mai.

“She’s in your group, isn’t she?” Javi asks him.

Yuzuru nods, “Yeah, her training partner is in yours. Kaori?”

“Oh, is that the girl who cannot lie?” Kana asks, suddenly interested.

“Yeah, yeah,” Javi says. “She talks about Mai quite often, I think she really likes her.”

“We saw them yesterday actually, right, Kana? They were leaving one of their classes and kept laughing all the way back to their rooms. It was cute,” Mao says.

“Oh, yeah,” Kanako agrees. “I love how you can see training partners getting closer here and having fun together.”

Yuzuru just hums. He’s just noticed Shoma sharing a blanket with Satoko. It looks like Satoko’s explaining something to him. Shoma’s listening to her intently, nodding every once in a while.

That is… strange. It’s not strange to see Shoma befriending people and spending time with them. Yuzuru’s seen him do that quite a few times over the last couple of days. And he’s glad that it’s happening. Shoma deserves to have friends and he deserves to have as many of them as he wants to.

What’s strange is the fact that he’s talking to Satoko. It’s strange to even see Satoko out surrounded by other people. Yuzuru hopes it means she’s getting better and doesn’t have to force herself to spend time with people, especially people she doesn’t know. He’s reminded of that time last week when he and Shoma saw her with Zijun, looking so worn out that Yuzuru started to worry.

“What is it?” Javi nudges Yuzuru with his elbow.

“Satton, is she getting any better?” Yuzuru asks.

“I haven’t spoken to her recently, but I don’t think she’d be out if she wasn’t,” Kanako says.

Yuzuru looks at Javi, “Have Alex or Maia said anything?”

Javi shakes his head. “Not really, why are you asking?”

Yuzuru shrugs. “I just find it interesting that she’s out and talking to Shoma of all people.”

“Are you jealous?” Kanako asks and Mao snickers.

Yuzuru rolls his eyes, “No, it’s just unusual for her to speak to people she doesn’t know. I wonder why…”

“Maybe she finds Shoma fascinating,” Javi says.

“Maybe Shoma finds her fascinating,” Kanako adds, laughing quietly.

Yuzuru shrugs again and looks back at Satoko with Shoma, “Yeah, maybe.”

The group is silent for a few seconds before Javi speaks again.

“I think that one flew right over his head,” he says.

“Oh, come on, Yuzuru, you’re no fun,” Kana complains, sighing dramatically.

Yuzuru turns his head. “What?”

Javier pats him on the back a few times, “Nothing, my friend, nothing.”

Kanako munches on some crackers before she speaks again. “We just miss you. You spend no time with us anymore.”

It takes Yuzuru a minute to get that Kana’s sentence was directed at him.

He frowns, “I am with you right now.”

“Yeah but you never attend our weekly meetings anymore,” Mao complains, stealing some crackers from Kana’s palm.

“That’s true,” Javi nods.

Yuzuru could lie and say that he’s been busy with other stuff. His group, whatever Brian wants him to do, Tracy’s sessions. But the truth is that he completely forgot about their meetings. It was their tradition. The four of them would meet at least once a week, just to have a friendly chat or watch a movie together. Always the same time, the same place. And Yuzuru forgot.

He wonders what he was doing during those times that made him forget and then it hits him.

“I’m sorry, I was training…” He swallows. “… with Shoma.”

Kana and Javi exchange a look but don’t say anything.

Mao nods, “Has there been any progress?”

Yuzuru shrugs. “We’ve been watching movies. They are good for identifying emotions. I help him out with it because I have a lot of experience.” He chuckles. “Obviously. But he’s very good, I am impressed by how much he knows and can imitate. I mean, he’s lived like this his whole life, so it’s to be expected but still…”

“Wait,” Javi raises his eyebrows. “His powers weren’t triggered?”

Yuzuru shakes his head. “No, he was born like this.”

Javier hums.

“That’s interesting. I thought he’d gone through something like you,” he says, looking at Yuzuru.

Yuzuru clears his throat, he doesn’t like where this conversation is going. “Um, no, he’s… no.”

Javier must sense that he doesn’t want to talk about it. “Well, you should come at least sometimes then. Reschedule your trainings with Shoma and chill with us.”

Yuzuru tries to smile, “Yeah, I’ll try to come next time.”

Kana’s eyes suddenly light up. “Or you could bring Shoma with you! He seems like such an interesting person, me and Mao would love to get to know him better.”

Mao nods.

Yuzuru doesn’t know whether they’re serious or if they’re making fun of him again. When no one starts laughing, he goes with the first option.

“I might ask him,” he mumbles.

“We could all watch a movie together, it’d be like one of your trainings, only more fun,” Javi says.

“Yeah, I guess,” Yuzuru shrugs.

“And Javi could bring Miki, it’d be like a triple- “

Mao nudges Kana hard with her elbow.

“OUCH!” Kana screams out. “What was that for?”

Mao nudges her again, this time more gently and then tries to subtly point her head towards Yuzuru, and fails.

“Oh,” Kana says with wide eyes. “I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, you do spend so much time with Shoma now that we wondered that you might- “

“Kana, just shut up, please,” Mao sighs.

“Okay, well, I can’t wait for the next meeting. It’ll be fun,” Kanako smiles.

“Um, yeah. Look, I should probably go to my group and ask them how they’re doing. Brian wants some updates.”

Yuzuru gets up to leave his friends, and especially the ongoing conversation. He loved his friends, but they were gossiping way too much. As if their lives weren’t interesting enough.

Yuzuru shakes his head and makes his way to Nathan and Boyang who are sitting on a blanket with Mai, Wakaba and Karen, playing some card game that Yuzuru’s never seen before. He meets eyes with Shoma on his way to them and motions for him to join them. He sees Shoma say goodbye to Satoko and soon they’re all sitting on the blanket together.

There haven’t been many changes which is what Yuzuru suspected. Nathan has been practicing thoroughly and Karen’s learned some new tricks in her sessions. Boyang doesn’t know where he stands with his powers because there hasn’t been a full moon yet.

“Isn’t there a full moon in a few days?” Nathan asks.

Boyang hangs his head. “Yeah, I apologize in advance.”

Nathan chuckles, “I think it will be fun. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and you’ll be up there on the ceiling.” He purses his lips. “Do you sleep inside when you’re levitating or is it safer to be outside?”

Boyang facepalms. “Did you seriously just ask me this question?”

Wakaba laughs, “Could we visit you, guys? We could have a sleepover.”

“No, nobody’s visiting us. I’m not going to be your entertainment,” Boyang says, but there’s a smile on his face.

“Oh, what a shame,” Wakaba sighs.

Yuzuru shakes his head. “How are you, Waka? How’s Zhenya?”

“I am fine, Zhenya still doesn’t talk but we keep trying,” Wakaba says, her smile turning into a sad one. It’s obvious she cares about her training partner’s improvement.

“That’s okay,” Yuzuru says. “Nobody’s expecting you to get results immediately.”

Yuzuru can see Mai light up next to him. “I’ve got some results actually,” she says, “I’ve mentioned this to Wakaba already, but Kaori lied to me today.”

“That’s great, Mai! Congratulations!” Nathan says.

“Thank you.”

Yuzuru has to laugh because this is probably the first time he’s seen someone be happy that they were lied to. It’s also the first time someone’s congratulated them for it. This camp really was a peculiar place sometimes. It was Yuzuru’s favourite place.

“What did she lie to you about?” he asks Mai.

“It’s not that big. I asked her if she’s tired and she told me she wasn’t even though she was.” She shrugs, “I know it’s a small lie, but she was so happy when she realized that she said it.”

“No, not at all,” Yuzuru says. “It’s amazing, Mai. You’re doing great.”

Mai smiles again and bows a little, obviously proud of her friend.

“What about you two?” Nathan asks, leaning on his elbow.

Yuzuru looks at Shoma. “We’re good, right, Shoma?”

Shoma nods, “Yeah.”

“We’re not rushing, and we don’t really know what our goal is, so we’re just trying to improve what we both already know,” Yuzuru adds.

“Shoma said that you watch movies?” Karen says.

Yuzuru smiles. Knowing that Shoma talks about him with his friends isn’t that surprising but it’s still lovely to hear. Yuzuru looks at him and finds Shoma looking back.

“Yeah,” Yuzuru says, still looking at him, “we do.”

“Wow, I wish my trainings looked like that,” Nathan says.

Yuzuru turns to Nathan. “I mean, you can adjust them to what you like. We found out that movies help Shoma distinguish emotions, so we started watching them.”

Adam’s shouting voice suddenly disrupts their conversation.

“Is everyone ready?”

Yuzuru turns around and sees Adam and Ashley standing near the pool with sly smiles on their faces. Yuzuru can’t wait to hear what kind of competition they’ve prepared this time. It’s always something ridiculous.

“The weather’s beautiful today, so me and Adam have decided for a little pool game,” Ashley says and starts describing the game.

Yuzuru was right, it’s going to be ridiculous.

If he understood it correctly, every team is going to be assigned a shirt. Each member is supposed to put it on, jump into the pool, swim to the other end and then back, get out, get out of the wet t-shirt, hand it over to another member of the team, who will put it on and swim, and continue like that until everyone’s swum. Team leaders will be finishing the relay, of course.

This is going to be a disaster. Yuzuru can see it already. The only good thing is that they can cool down in the pool.

“We’ve got some treats for the top three teams,” Adam says after all the teams have lined up.

“Oh, and gifts can be used during the game,” Ashley adds. “But only by the person in the pool.”

Yuzuru looks at Javier who’s standing next to him. Then they both look at Patrick.

“This is stupid. It’s obvious that certain teams will benefit more thanks to this rule,” Javi complains.

Patrick smirks, “It’s not my problem your powers suck.”

Yuzuru looks at Ashley, “Ash, come on, you can’t be serious.”

Ashley exchanges a look with Adam, but she only shakes her head. “It’s just a game. It’ll make you work harder.”

Yuzuru can feel someone tap on his shoulder.

“What is going on?” Shoma asks.

Yuzuru shrugs, “I guess you’ll find out what Patrick’s power is today.”

“Oh,” Shoma nods.

Yuzuru tries to figure out how to benefit from this rule but he realises his team doesn’t have any powers that could help them. Kana can use hers, Patrick is certainly using his, even Javier can mess with people during the competition. The worst thing is that they’re all going to be swimming at the same time as Yuzuru. He doesn’t know much about other people’s gifts, especially the new kids’, but they’re usually not in full control of them anyway. At least that’s what he hopes for. He doesn’t want for his team to drown.

Oh.

Yuzuru raises his hand. “Isn’t it dangerous? What if someone uses their powers on you and you get injured?”

Adam thinks about it and then whispers something in Ashley’s ear.

“Yuzuru is right,” he says.

Yuzuru smiles, “Thank you.”

“Only powers that involve their owner and no one else can be used,” Adam continues.

A wave of groans and grumbling can be heard from every group.

“We don’t even have to try now. It’s obvious that Patrick’s going to win,” Kanako says.

“Patrick’s power is a part of him. Why shouldn’t he use it if it doesn’t harm anyone?” Jason offers.

Alex shoves him, “Dude, you’re not helping. We’re going to lose this way.”

Jason claps his hands and raises his voice, so the entire camp can hear him. “AND WHO CARES! This is a game. It’s a lovely sunny day, we’ve got a free day, we’re all here and we are supposed to have fun! Why do you all need to win? This is a silly game, guys. Whoever wins gets some treats and that’s it.” He shrugs. “I’m not saying we shouldn’t try to win but don’t try to win because of winning itself, win because of yourself, win because of your team and your group and enjoy the game in the process.”

The camp is silent. There are a few hums and nods. Jason is right. The game is supposed to connect the members of each team, make them root for each other and enjoy the thrill of it all.

“Jason is right. Let’s just do this thing and let’s enjoy it,” Javier says and takes off his clothes, so he’s only wearing his swimming trunks.

It doesn’t take long for everyone to follow suit and the game is ready to begin.

Yuzuru thought about the order and picked the girls to go first followed by the boys, with him finishing.

Karen is standing on the edge of the pool, a blue shirt already on. It’s dry, for now. She’s taking deep breaths and jumping up and down, trying to prepare herself for what’s about to happen.

Mai puts her hands on her shoulders and squeezes. “You’ve got this, Karen.”

Karen smiles at her, “Thanks.”

Maia has taken the role of the referee since both her and Alex can’t compete because their team would have more than seven members. She’s got a whistle close to her mouth and is ready to blow.

“Is everyone ready?” Maia asks, making sure everything is set.

“Okay, three, two, one…”

She blows on her whistle.

Karen jumps into the water with the rest of the competitors and the game has officially begun.

It’s clear right from the start that swimming with a shirt, especially with a shirt that is too big for you, isn’t an easy task. Yuzuru can see a few people struggling, Karen’s handling it quite well despite her being quite small.

She’s on the other side of the pool at the same time as most of the other competitors and it’s time for Mai to start jumping up and down.

“Come on, Karen!” Nathan shouts.

Wakaba is clapping with her hands and going from side to side, trying to see past Mai.

Karen’s finally out of the pool and ready to take off the shirt and pass it over to Mai.

Taking it off seems difficult, putting it back on proves to be even harder. The wet shirt is crumpled and it’s evident that Mai won’t be able to put it on without help. Help that comes quickly in the form of Nathan.

“Put your arms above your head,” Nathan says, taking the shirt from her.

Mai does as he says, and Nathan puts the shirt over her head, Mai putting her arms through the sleeves and jumping into the water soon after.

“Good job,” Wakaba pats Karen on the back when she’s passing her by, but her attention is back on Mai quickly after.

Karen lies down on the ground and closes her eyes. She’s out of breath but there’s a smile on her lips.

Putting on the wet shirt took them some time but when Yuzuru looks around, the other teams must’ve struggled with it as well, because his group is still among the top ones.

His team has learned its lesson though, so when it’s Wakaba’s turn to swim, Nathan is already standing by her side, ready to help, and there’s no struggle at all.

Wakaba jumps into the water after Mai, and she’s fast. She’s super-fast. Yuzuru doesn’t even have time to blink and she’s already on her way back to them. He looks at how the other teams are doing and realizes that his team is first. The girls did a great job.

Boyang puts on the shirt with a bit of help from Nathan and Shoma, and starts swimming. When he looks at him and compares him to Wakaba, Yuzuru realizes that they probably should’ve swum right before him. Having the fastest people at the end of the relay would’ve been the smartest idea. Nathan and Shoma might deliver as well though, so the placement could be good as it is.

Yuzuru can feel himself starting to stress. He really wants his team to do well. And he realises that he doesn’t want them to do well because he wants to win, but because he wants them to feel good about themselves and what they’ve achieved.

He’s so immersed in his own thoughts that he doesn’t even notice that Nathan’s already in the water when Shoma leans too far forward. Yuzuru’s arms shoot up on instinct and wrap themselves around his body to keep Shoma from falling into the water.

Shoma’s back collides with Yuzuru’s chest, Yuzuru still having a tight hold on him. Yuzuru can feel his heartrate speed up. A contrast to Shoma’s heart that is steadily beating underneath Yuzuru’s palm that is resting on his chest. On his naked chest.

Yuzuru quickly puts his hands away and clears his throat, “Um, you need to be more careful, so you don’t fall next time.”

He’s trying to look everywhere but at Shoma who just nods. “Thank you.”

“Yeah, you should… you should probably start getting ready, Nathan is already on his way back.”

Shoma turns around and Yuzuru can finally breathe again.

Nathan still has enough energy after getting out of the pool to help Shoma into the shirt, and Yuzuru is glad. His hands are still rather shaky, and he doesn’t think he’d be of any help right now.

Shoma is swimming, not in the water, at least not yet. He’s swimming in the shirt, it’s not as big on him as it was on Wakaba or Karen, but it’s still big. It reaches the middle of his thighs. Thankfully, Yuzuru doesn’t have much time to think about this before Shoma’s in the water as well.

He’s not as quick as Wakaba, but he’s not slow either. Their team has lost their lead and the first three teams are now tied. It seems that Yuzuru will be the one to decide their final placement. Something he’s been dreading all along.

When Shoma gets out of the pool, he’s breathing hard. He barely takes the shirt off before collapsing to the ground, trying to gain back the strength he’s lost.

The girls help Yuzuru get into the shirt, which is unbelievably cold, and he jumps into the water at the same time as Javier and Patrick. Patrick is swimming right next to Yuzuru and he can see him getting further and further away, which was expected. Yuzuru tries to speed up, he can hear the screams from the other side of the pool and he thinks he recognizes his name being shouted once or twice.

He touches the wall of the pool, and uses all his energy to get back to his team as soon as possible. The muscles in his legs and arms are burning and the shirt is uncomfortably sticking to his chest, but he keeps going. He forgets it all and just swims.

He can finally feel the wall of the pool against his palm again, and when he emerges from the water, he sees an arm stretched towards him, he takes the offered hand and lets himself be pulled out of the pool.

Yuzuru is still catching his breath, sprawled out on the grass next to the pool, when someone collapses on top of him and screams into his ear.

“We’re second!!!” Boyang’s enthusiastic voice almost breaks Yuzuru’s eardrum.

Yuzuru still can’t form coherent sentences, so he just raises his hand and makes the thumbs-up sign to show that he’s heard him and is happy. He’s just so exhausted that he can’t even celebrate right now.

“Dude, you were amazing! You almost beat Patrick. That was the coolest thing I’ve ever seen!” Nathan shouts. He’s running around, too ecstatic to stand still.

That makes Yuzuru’s eyes pop and he sits up.

“What?” he says, still breathing hard.

“It was unbelievable. Patrick was like a shark, but you were swimming so quickly,” Wakaba says with a big smile on her face.

Yuzuru shakes his head and then falls back onto the ground. Great, now he needs to rest.

***

“Can I join you?” Shoma asks.

Yuzuru is lying alone on his blanket near the pool. The sun has set already, and most people have gone back to their respective buildings. Everyone still full of excitement after today’s competition. Yuzuru doesn’t know about Shoma, but he was too tired to go back to his room, and now the blanket’s too comfortable to even move, so he stayed.

“Yeah, sure,” Yuzuru shuffles, so there’s more space for Shoma to sit on.

“Today was fun, wasn’t it?” Shoma says.

“Yeah, it was. You were great,” Yuzuru compliments Shoma.

“Not as great as you. You were like a lightning bolt, Yuzuru. So fast.”

Yuzuru smiles, “Did you add Patrick’s power to your journal?”

Shoma nods. “Yeah, thank you for not telling me beforehand.”

“No problem.”

Yuzuru puts his hands into the pockets of his shorts and frowns when he finds something in one of them. He takes it out and realizes it’s one of the little chocolates they received for placing second.

“You haven’t eaten it?” Shoma asks him.

Yuzuru shakes his head. “No, do you want it?” He offers the chocolate to Shoma.

“You don’t like sweets?”

“I do, I just know you like them more,” Yuzuru smiles.

Shoma takes the chocolate from him and bows a bit. “Thank you.”

Yuzuru watches Shoma munch on it when he remembers.

“Oh, I’ve got something for you.”

“Hm?” Shoma bites off a bit of chocolate. “What?”

Yuzuru opens his backpack and takes out the book. “Tracy had this in her office and I thought… well, it made me think of you, and I thought it might help you, so… yeah. Here.”

Yuzuru hands him the book.

Shoma takes the book from Yuzuru and looks at it, “The book of human emotions?”

Yuzuru shrugs, “Yeah, I haven’t really looked through it, but I hope it’ll be helpful anyway.”

He thinks back to his session with Tracy today, “I just wanted to say thank you, I guess.”

“For what?” Shoma asks, finishing the last bit of the chocolate.

“Everything.”

Shoma is quiet before he nods in understanding.

“Thank you for the book.”

“Don’t mention it,” Yuzuru swats his hand at him.

Yuzuru lies back down and Shoma opens the book and starts reading it.

He’s been looking through it for a while when he speaks again.

“Have you ever thought about which powers are the best?”

Yuzuru’s been drowsing and he opens his eyes at the sound of Shoma’s voice, turning his head to Shoma and putting his arm underneath it.

“Do you mean which one I think is the best?”

Shoma nods.

“I don’t know. I think all of them have their ups and downs. Even people who seem to have the greatest gifts suffer because of them,” Yuzuru says.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Shoma mumbles.

Yuzuru sits up. “I noticed you talking with Satoko today.” He hopes Shoma will get what he’s asking without him explicitly saying it.

“Yeah, she was curious about my powers,” Shoma says. “She wanted to know how I do it. I don’t think she got the answers she wanted to since I don’t do anything really.”

Yuzuru hums, “Yeah.”

“Why would she want to know?” Shoma asks.

“I guess she’s looking for a way to handle her own powers and thought yours might help,” Yuzuru says.

“Why?”

“Do you know what her power is?”

Shoma nods, “Yeah, she can remember things, right? I just don’t understand the connection between our powers.”

“She can’t just remember things, Shoma. She remembers everything,” Yuzuru says sadly. “I think she’s still learning how to block it and only remember things she wants. She’d spoken about it with me, and she might’ve thought that you could help her.”

“Oh,” Shoma says. “Is that why she doesn’t go out that much?”

“Yeah, anything new is added onto the already big pile of information in her brain. She’s usually in her room, or with Zijun, her training partner. We saw them together a few days ago, remember?”

“Yeah, I remember.” Shoma sighs, “That really sucks. I didn’t know it was that bad.”

“She has painful headaches very often. Mie is trying to help her, I think that Brian’s been looking for some cure as well, but the best option still remains her learning how to filter things she wants to remember and things she doesn’t.”

“So, she has to learn to block things. Just like you,” Shoma says.

“You could say that.”

“I hope she learns to control it. She seems like such a lovely girl and everything she says is so interesting.”

“Yeah, she’s amazing. She’s a little walking encyclopaedia. I just wish she didn’t suffer because of it.”

Yuzuru stretches and stands up.

“We should probably go. It’s getting late and we both have classes early in the morning tomorrow,” he says.

Shoma stands up as well, so Yuzuru can fold the blanket they’ve been sitting on.

They walk together towards their buildings.

“Today really was fun, wasn’t it?” Yuzuru says.

“Yeah, it was.”

Yuzuru looks up and sees his building not too far away. The light is on in Mao and Kana’s room and he remembers that he was supposed to ask Shoma something.

He swallows audibly, “I wanted to ask, you don’t have to answer right now, but me, Javi and Kana with Mao have these weekly meetings, and…”

He swallows again. Why is it so hard to just ask him if he wants to join them? It’s not a big deal at all. Yuzuru doesn’t know what’s wrong with him.

“Well, we will meet on Wednesday next week and probably watch a movie, and I haven’t gone to the last few meetings, and they’d like to see me again, and yeah…” He clears his throat. “The problem is that it collides with our trainings, so…”

Shoma looks at him. “Do you want to cancel them on Wednesday?”

Yuzuru shakes his head. Damn it.

“No, no. I just thought, or they thought, or rather we all thought, um, that you could join us? If you want to?” he stutters out.

Shoma shrugs and purses his lips, “Yeah, sure.”

Well, that went… well.

“Great,” Yuzuru says, rolling his eyes at himself.  

They’ve come to the point where their paths need to separate, Yuzuru heading to the left, Shoma to the right.

“I am looking forward to Wednesday then,” Yuzuru says.

“Yeah, me too.”

“Sleep well, Shoma,” Yuzuru says, walking backwards in the direction of his building.

“Good night, Yuzuru.”

Yuzuru turns his back to Shoma and quickens his pace, hugging the blanket closer to his chest. Then he hears Shoma call his name once again.

“Yeah?” he shouts back.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Everything,” Shoma shouts before turning back and disappearing into the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and kudos under the last chapter! I suck at replying, so I didn't reply to all of them, but I read them all, and they warmed my heart. <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone. I am so sorry for not updating sooner but uni's been hell and I didn't have much time. This chapter is a bit longer, so at least that's something. Thank you for all the comments and kudos as always. <3

_Knock, knock, knock…_

Yuzuru grumbles and turns in his bed.

_Knock, knock, knock…_

Yuzuru opens his eyes, using his right hand to rub them. He takes his watch that has been lying on the night stand, blinking for a few seconds as he tries to read the time.

2:36 am.

He yawns and stretches his arms above his head, some of his joints popping. He can hear footsteps on the other side of his door. They’re retreating. Yuzuru frowns, wondering if that’s what woke him up. Then they return, and he can hear somebody clear their throat.

“Yuzuru?” Shoma says politely behind the door, “Are you awake?”

Oh.

Yuzuru kicks off the covers and goes to open the door. On the other side stands Shoma, sleep-dishevelled hair, soft lips and drowsy eyes that fall shut every two seconds.

Yuzuru smiles gently, “Hey, what are you doing here? It’s the middle of the night.”

Shoma doesn’t answer. “Did I wake you up?” he asks instead, slurring the words a bit.

Yuzuru contemplates lying to him but he doesn’t like lying, especially to Shoma, so he just nods.

“Yeah, what is going on?” he asks again.

Shoma swallows, his head is tiredly swaying from one side to the other, “Boyang.”

Yuzuru blinks at him, “What?”

“He’s started to levitate, and I can’t sleep with him floating above my bed,” Shoma says. “Nathan is still asleep, I think he’d be able to sleep through anything but…” Shoma tilts his head. “Why are you laughing?”

Yuzuru puts a hand in front of his mouth, trying to suppress his chuckles, “I’m sorry, the image of Boyang floating above your bed is just funny to me.”

Shoma shrugs his shoulders, he doesn’t seem to find the situation amusing. There are bags under his eyes and he genuinely looks dead on his feet. Yuzuru offers him his hand and Shoma takes it without a second thought, stumbling and ending up pressed against Yuzuru, his head resting on his shoulder.

Yuzuru is starting to worry.

“Hey, hey,” he says, closing the door with one hand, keeping the other on Shoma’s back to steady him, “Let’s go over to the bed.”

Yuzuru manages to move them both, so Shoma can lay down. Yuzuru sits down on the edge of the bed next to him. He thinks about just letting him sleep but he needs to let him know first, so Shoma doesn’t panic when he wakes up tomorrow morning.

He caresses Shoma’s cheek with the back of his hand, “Shoma?”

Shoma opens his eyes and mumbles something.

“I’m going to find Miki and tell her about Boyang, ok? I’ll probably crash at Javi’s, so you can rest. Is that alright?” Yuzuru asks. He doesn’t know if Shoma’s still awake cause his eyes have fallen shut again.

He suddenly feels Shoma’s hand slip into his.

“No,” Shoma whispers.

Yuzuru sighs, he doesn’t want to leave Shoma here alone, but someone should know that Boyang’s powers have woken up.

He strokes his thumb against Shoma’s hand, “I need to tell her.”

Shoma shakes his head and tightens the hold he has on Yuzuru’s hand. He doesn’t have enough energy to verbally communicate whatever he’s trying to say, he can’t even keep his eyes open anymore, so they’ve been closed this whole time.

Yuzuru attempts to understand, “Did you tell her yourself?”

Shoma nods, the hold loosing up a little bit.

Yuzuru relaxes, “Do you want me to stay?”

Shoma nods again.

“Okay,” Yuzuru says, extracting his hand from Shoma’s grasp, “I’ll be on the floor, okay?”

Yuzuru can feel Shoma’s hand on his thigh and when he turns to him, his eyes are open again.

“Stay here, please,” Shoma says, eyes not leaving Yuzuru’s face.

Yuzuru opens his mouth and then closes it again, throat dry, not knowing what to say. Shoma’s still looking at him with his big eyes and he must be using all his willpower to keep them open. He almost fell asleep on Yuzuru a moment ago.

Yuzuru covers Shoma’s hand with his own and nods, a small smile appearing on his lips. He can do this for Shoma. It’s nothing big. It shouldn’t be. He doesn’t understand the signals his body is sending him… has been sending him lately.

Shoma finally closes his eyes again and Yuzuru silently tiptoes to the other side of the bed. He slips under the covers, putting them over Shoma as well. Shoma instantly turning onto his side and cuddling up to the warmth.

Yuzuru watches his face. There are signs of drowsiness on it, but it still looks beautiful. It’s defenceless now that he’s fallen asleep, peaceful. It’s peaceful most of the time. When Shoma isn’t trying to be someone he’s not. When Shoma’s himself. That’s when he’s most beautiful.

Yuzuru reaches out with his hand and moves a few strands of Shoma’s hair out of his eyes. Shoma follows the hand when it retreats, shifting even closer to Yuzuru.

Yuzuru bites his lip. Lying here, staring at Shoma’s face, he’s starting to realise that he might know what the signals mean.

***

Yuzuru is sitting at one of the tables in the dining hall. There aren’t many people there and he has no one to talk to. It’s not that he has nothing to talk about or that the person he wants to talk about it with isn’t in the same dining hall.

Javi is standing by the entrance, having a deep conversation with Miki. He seems to be concerned, he keeps furrowing his brow and his hands are either in his hair, scratching his face or on his hips before he starts gesturing with them again.

Yuzuru debates getting up and joining the conversation but just as he’s about to get up, Javi shrugs and nods, and Miki leaves.

“What was that about?” Yuzuru asks Javier when he joins him at the table.

Yuzuru knows what they were talking about. He just needs to start the conversation in a friendly way and not accuse Javier before he has any time to swallow his first mouthful of food.

“Boyang,” Javi says matter-of-factly, his mouth full.

Yuzuru raises his eyebrows and waits for more but nothing comes. He shoves the tray with his own half-eaten lunch away and leans his elbow on the table to keep others from eavesdropping.

“You don’t seem to be bothered by it,” Yuzuru states.

“It’s not bothersome?”

“That’s not what it looked like to me last night.”

Javi looks around the room and lowers his fork, “What do you know about yesterday? You weren’t there, as far as I know.”

“Nobody would’ve had to have been there if you’d handled the situation better,” Yuzuru says.

“What’s that supposed to mean, Yuzuru?” Javi says and he’s starting to get frustrated, “Just tell me what we did wrong. I don’t like this guessing game.”

“I just think that leaving a person in a room with other people while their powers are still undeveloped and not in their control is a stupid idea,” Yuzuru grumbles.

Javi makes a confused face and swallows another mouthful, “I still don’t know what your problem is.”

Yuzuru sighs and lowers his voice, “My problem is that I had Shoma knocking on my door in the middle of the night, looking exhausted and like he was about to pass out any minute.” He chuckles ironically. “Which he actually did. So, yeah, my problem is that my training partner is not getting enough sleep because his friend is levitating above his bed due to your incompetence.”

Javi mumbles something undecipherable and looks Yuzuru in the eye, “We had an agreement. I’d talked about it with Brian and we’d decided that keeping Boyang in a more familiar place is the best option for him, and for us to study his power. We didn’t want him in the institute, and we didn’t want to chain him either.” He licks his lips. “We’d talked about it with Nathan and Shoma, and they both agreed that if something occurs, they will come to us. Which is what happened. Nobody had any problems with it and Shoma looked fine yesterday when he came to us, so I don’t know why you’re freaking out.”

Yuzuru swallows, “They all agreed to this?”

Javi shakes his head in disbelief, “Of course. What is going on with you? It’s not your first year here. You know how this camp works. Did you really think we prioritize the needs of certain people over others?”

Yuzuru lowers his eyes, “No, I’m just worried about him. You didn’t see the way he looked when he came to me yesterday. I’m sorry for calling you incompetent, I didn’t know.”

“Hey,” Javi puts his hand around Yuzuru’s shoulders and pats him a few times, “It’s okay. I didn’t know it was that bad. He really seemed fine when Miki and I saw him.”

“Yeah, maybe I’m overreacting but he’d told me that he has trouble sleeping and seeing him like that… I don’t want to see that ever again.”

“Did you talk about it with him?” Javi asks.

Yuzuru shakes his head, “No, he fell asleep right after entering my room and when I woke up today, he was gone already.”

“Wait, he slept in your room?”

Yuzuru bites his lip, “Yeah? I thought about leaving but he didn’t want me to, so I stayed.”

Yuzuru really wants to talk to Shoma about yesterday as soon as possible. He wants to make sure that he’s okay. He would’ve asked him in the morning, if he’d seen him. The realization that Shoma was no longer by his side in the morning left him feeling cold. He hasn’t seen him all day and he hoped that he’d be in the dining hall. Which he isn’t.

Javi studies him before whispering with concern, “Is there something going on between the two of you?”

Yuzuru shrugs, “I don’t know. It’s… I’m confused. I don’t know what to think about last night and I don’t know what... I just… I don’t know.”

Javi widens his eyes and lowers his voice even more. Yuzuru didn’t think that was possible.

“Wait, did something happen yesterday?”

Yuzuru quickly shakes his head, “No, no. Nothing happened.”

Javier visibly relaxes, “You’re just confused then.”

“Yeah.”

Javi finds Yuzuru’s hand under the table, “Hey, you know that I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to, right? We won’t make fun of you or anything.”

Yuzuru nods, “I know. Thanks, Javi.” He sighs. “And I’m sorry again for assuming things.”

“No, it’s okay. You were worried about Shoma, you care about him. Anyone would react in that way,” Javi says, going back to his meal.

“I guess,” Yuzuru murmurs.

“Is he going to join us today? Did you ask him?”

Yuzuru blinks. _Oh._ He completely forgot that their meeting was today. He doesn’t know if spending more time with Shoma is good for him right now. But he asked him and Shoma said he’d come. He doesn’t want to call it off and deprive his friends of the possibility of spending more time with Shoma and getting to know him better.

“Yeah, we’ll come,” Yuzuru says.

“That’s great,” Javi smiles, “Kana and Mao are excited.”

Yuzuru chuckles, “I can imagine.”

Loud laughter catches Yuzuru’s attention and he follows the noise until he sees Wakaba with Nathan and Boyang. They’re all trying to catch their breaths before bursting out laughing again. Behind them are Karen, Mai and Shoma.

Javi follows Yuzuru’s line of sight and then looks at him again, “Are you going to talk to him about yesterday?”

As if on cue, Shoma looks up and meets eyes with Yuzuru.

Yuzuru swallows dryly. 

“What do I say?” he asks Javier, his eyes not leaving Shoma’s.

“Just ask him if he’s okay and that you were worried,” Javi offers.

“Okay,” Yuzuru says, getting up.

He can feel his heart in his throat and his legs are like jelly. He doesn’t know if talking to Shoma right now is a good idea, but he’s got up and he can’t wait any longer.

“Hey,” he greets the whole group when he gets to them.

“Hi, Yuzu,” Nathan says, waving his hand, and the rest of the group follows suit.

“You all okay after yesterday?” Yuzuru asks to be polite. It’s not that he doesn’t care about all of them, but he can see they’re fine. They’re all laughing – well, those that can – and having fun. He can feel Shoma’s eyes on him and he tries with all his might not to turn to him.

“I had a great time as always,” Boyang chuckles, “Miki and Javi trying to catch me was quite funny, especially cause I wasn’t much of a help. I should probably go and apologize. Again.”

Boyang leaves the group and heads towards Javier who starts smiling as soon as he sees him.

“Dude, you missed a great night,” Nathan says, looking at the displayed salads and trying to choose one.

“You slept through most of it,” Shoma mumbles.

“I woke up when Miki and Javi got there which was the highlight of the night. Don’t know where you disappeared to.”

Shoma and Yuzuru meet eyes and Yuzuru goes for something of a smile, but it probably looks more like a grimace. His muscles are not listening to him and he feels weird. He wants to blame it on the atmosphere around him, but the truth is that he’s the only one feeling like this. Everyone else is as joyful as ever.

“Yeah, Shoma, Javi and Miki catching Boyang was really funny. He got really high,” Mai says.

“He almost hit the ceiling,” Wakaba bursts out and both her and Karen start giggling again.

“How do you know what was happening?” Yuzuru asks, trying to be the concerned supervisor of his group that he’s supposed to be.

All the girls exchange glances.

“We were curious, so we went to look,” Karen says.

“Javi said we can. Are you mad at us?” Mai adds.

Yuzuru shakes his head, “No, of course not. Listening to you talk about it, I’m a bit jealous. It must’ve been fun.” He scratches the back of his head, “Ah, it’s okay. I had other things to do.”

Nathan looks up from the salads, his eyes go from Yuzuru to Shoma, then back to Yuzuru, until they settle on the salads again, he takes his tray and swiftly leaves the group.

Yuzuru waits until everyone’s gone and Shoma’s tray is full, and then clears his throat, “Hey, can I talk to you? Alone, I mean.”

Shoma nods and heads to one of the empty tables in the corner.

Yuzuru doesn’t even wait for Shoma to sit properly before he starts talking.

“I was worried in the morning when you’d left. Are you okay?”

Shoma takes a bite of his meat and nods, “Yeah, I just didn’t want to overstay. I didn’t realize you’d worry. I’m sorry, I probably should’ve left a note or something.”

“No, it’s okay. You probably had a class to go to anyway, right?” Yuzuru says.

Shoma nods again.

“I just worried after yesterday. You didn’t look very well. I hope you could rest through the night.”

Every sentence just sounds so wrong to him. He’s trying not to touch the topic, hoping that Shoma brings it up instead. How does one ask, I know you don’t feel anything, but you were acting as if I meant something to you yesterday, and now I’m confused because I don’t know what to think or feel, and you keep looking at me like this, but you probably look like this at everyone, and I just really need to know what is going on, without actually saying it?

“Um,” Shoma says, munching on his meat, “I don’t remember much from last night. I know I was knocking on your door and then you let me in, but I don’t remember much past that. Did I bother you too much?”

Well, that explains a lot. Yuzuru tries to hide his disappointment.

“No, not at all. You fell asleep right away, so I let you,” he says. “Sleep, I mean.”

Shoma blinks a few times and tilts his head, “I must’ve been really tired then.”

“Yeah, you were.”

This conversation really was a bad idea, Yuzuru wants it to be over. He doesn’t know what he’d expected anyway.

 

“Well, I’ll let you finish your meal now. Javi just wanted to know if you’re still going to join us later today,” Yuzuru says, getting up.

Shoma looks up at him and the sunlight reflects in his eyes and Yuzuru has to look away.

“If you want me to,” Shoma says, probably interpreting Yuzuru’s behaviour in the wrong way.

It would be easier for Yuzuru to just say that maybe next time will be better. That he wants to catch up with his friends and that Shoma could spend time with them next week, but he doesn’t want to explain himself both to Shoma and his friends. He’s going to have to go through it. They’re supposed to watch a movie, it’s not like he’ll have to interact with Shoma anyway. And he’s sure Kana and Mao will keep Shoma company and he can just sit next to Javi and pretend nothing’s happening.

“Yeah, sure, of course,” Yuzuru says, voice far from calm, and sounding fake anyway.

“I’ll be there then,” Shoma says and Yuzuru is sure he saw right through him.

***

Yuzuru is late. He’d had his session with Tracy and they got caught up after that and ended up talking for way too long, and now he’s late. He’s left his phone in his room and can’t even text Javi and tell him that he is late. He’s been neglecting his friends and the first time he agrees to spend some time with them again, he is late.

He also feels bad for leaving Shoma alone with them. It’s not that he thinks Shoma can’t cope with being with his friends because of Shoma being Shoma. It’s more about his friends being his nagging friends who can’t keep their mouths shut. Who knows what they might’ve told him in the fifteen minutes of Yuzuru’s absence.

Yuzuru quickens his pace and is a bit sweaty when he gets to the movie room. Everyone seems to be already there just like he suspected.

“Hey, I’m so sorry,” he says, little bit out of breath, “I’m sorry for being late.”

Javi looks up, “Tracy?”

Yuzuru comes into the room and nods, “Yeah.”

“I thought so,” Javi chuckles.

Yuzuru skims the place, trying to find Shoma and it’s only on second try when he notices his form that is hidden behind Mao and Kanako who are encompassing him. Yuzuru thinks about interfering, from what he knows, Shoma doesn’t like being this close to people, but when he sees his face, he stops. He looks content. His big eyes focused on something in the distance and it’s only when Yuzuru notices his hand in Kana’s that he understands.

“They were getting bored,” Miki notes.

“Yeah, Kana is always a good form of entertainment,” Yuzuru replies.

“We should probably tell them that you’re here,” Javi says.

Yuzuru nods and silently approaches the trio, he gently taps on Kanako’s shoulder a few times and all three pairs of eyes land on him.

“Oh, you’re here,” Kana chuckles, letting go of Shoma’s hand.

Shoma’s eyes go back to flicking all over the room, the wake-up call probably not being as gentle as Yuzuru intended it to be, especially for someone who’s just experienced Kana’s power for the first time.

Yuzuru crouches down next to him and takes the hand that Kana held into his. Shoma needs something to ground him.

“Hey, are you okay?” Yuzuru whispers.

“Yeah, I just didn’t expect that.”

Shoma seems to be shaken by it, as much as a person without emotions can be. His eyes are still trying to find something to focus on as his brain’s probably filing all the new information he’d just learned. Shoma’s hand is grasping onto Yuzuru’s and it’s only when Shoma looks back at him, that he realises how close to each other they are.

Yuzuru releases Shoma’s hand, maybe too quickly, and awkwardly pats him a few times on the back. He hopes Shoma understands that he didn’t mind the contact. That he didn’t mind touching him. He’d probably want to do that more, but he can’t, and his arm is now awkwardly hanging between their bodies until Yuzuru lets it fall.

Shoma is looking at him, something between curiosity and hurt reflecting in his face. And Yuzuru knows there’s nothing there and he’s just projecting. He’s the one curious, he’s the one hurt, and most of all, he’s confused. And the more he looks at Shoma, the more confused he gets, and he knows it shows.

Kana clears her throat, “Are we going to watch the movie now?”

Yuzuru looks up and… right, the movie.

“Yes, of course,” he gets up and goes to sit on one of the couches in the front of the room. “What are we watching? Have you picked anything already?”

“Yeah,” Mao smiles cheekily, making her way to the couch in the middle, Kana sitting next to her.

“And?” Yuzuru asks, knowing full well that there’s only one spot available in the first row and it’s the one next to him. Which Shoma shuffles to after a moment and sits down after asking Yuzuru if he can. As if Yuzuru would tell him no.

“We asked Shoma what you usually watch and found his answer to be quite boring, Yuzu,” Javi says leaning forward, so he can see Yuzuru.

Yuzuru furrows his brow.

“It seems that you only watch romantic comedies or some dramas? How is he supposed to learn anything new from the movies if you only watch the same genres over and over again?” Javi shakes his head.

Yuzuru can see from the corner of his eye Shoma shrugging next to him.

“I don’t mind watching them,” he whispers for only Yuzuru to hear.

“So, we had a poll and picked something more interesting,” Javi claps with his hands.

“And that is?” Yuzuru asks.

“A horror movie,” Javi says with maybe too much glee and dramatically wide eyes.

Yuzuru stiffens. It’s not that he didn’t like horror movies, he just… He didn’t see the point in them. Why would you create a movie that would only either scare you, or scare you and make you question everything. He knows about people who have stopped going out because of horror movies. He knows of people who can’t go to their rooms if the light isn’t on. People who always think someone is watching them. Horror movies were just bad and it’s not that Yuzuru didn’t like them because he’d get scared. He just thought they were pointless.

“O-kay,” Yuzuru says, “I don’t think there were any in the box Brian had given me, actually, so that’s why we haven’t watched horror movies with Shoma.”

Kanako frowns, “Brian gave you a box full of movies?”

“Yeah,” Yuzuru shrugs.

Javier chuckles while trying to make the projector work, “That explains the shortage of movies we’ve had to deal with for the past couple of meetings.”

“Yeah,” Mao nods, “we thought Brian had thrown them away.”

“He wanted to, but then thought I’d enjoy them, so he gave them to me. Do you want them? I think we’ve seen almost all of the movies already,” Yuzuru asks.

Javi swats his hand at him, “No, we don’t want to watch romantic comedies, thank you.”

“I’d like to watch a romantic comedy, actually,” Mao objects.

“Yeah, me too. They’re nice,” Miki joins her.

Kana only nods when Javi looks back at her. Yuzuru has to hold back his satisfied smile because he knows Javier would be sending invisible daggers at him if he saw it. What does he have against romantic comedies anyway? They are very nice.

Javi grumbles something under his breath and goes back to sit next to Miki. “We’re watching this today though. We’d agreed on a horror movie and I’ve set it all up already.”

“I’m sure switching DVDs isn’t that hard,” Miki tells him.

“Do you want me to change it?” Javi asks her, already standing up again.

Miki puts her hand on his thigh to stop him, “No, sit down.”

Kana and Mao chuckle and start whispering something and Yuzuru smiles too, until Javi turns off the lights and he realises that the movie’s already started.

Yuzuru doesn’t know what kind of movie this is. If it’s one of the jumpy-scary ones or those psychological horrors that will not let you sleep for the months to come. He didn’t ask, which he probably should’ve. He remembers talking about this with his mum once and she told him that when there’s something she doesn’t want to see, she usually focuses on the bottom right corner of the screen. Yuzuru thinks about doing that but it’s hard when the screen is the size of the wall.

He just doesn’t want to embarrass himself. It’s not even about his friends, he’d stopped caring about what they think about him a long time ago. It’s more about the person sitting right next to him. Yuzuru is conscious of every move Shoma makes, every intake of breath, every change of position. And he dissects everything in detail, wondering if Shoma’s sitting further now because Yuzuru moved, his stomach made a weird noise or just did anything at all. He doesn’t know why he suddenly wants to look perfect to Shoma, but he doesn’t have time to think about it anyway.

After thirty minutes into the movie and the first scary bit, it’s clear that it is one of the jumpy-scary types. Yuzuru’s been doing what his mother told him and kept looking at the corner of the screen, so the only person that screeched when one of the character’s head had been cut off, was Kana.

Yuzuru knows how these stories go though. The scary parts become more frequent, scarier and louder. Yuzuru’s shrieks usually become more frequent, scarier and louder as well. He knows about his shrieks, he knows how he sounds when he’s frightened, and he really doesn’t want Shoma to experience that.

He doesn’t want Shoma to think that he’s scared at all. He is the supervisor of the group Shoma is a part of, he is his training partner, he is someone Shoma should look up to. Or at least that’s what Yuzuru hopes for. He is also someone who’s desperately clutching onto the armrest with his one hand and the small space of the couch that is between him and Shoma with the other.

It is only seconds later when he can hear Shoma whisper, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you hated horror movies.”

Yuzuru slowly turns to him, “What?”

“You’ve been gripping the couch for the past half an hour.”

So, Shoma did notice. Yuzuru lets go off the couch, his hand’s just lying on top of it now.

“I wouldn’t have voted for it if I’d known,” Shoma continues.

“It’s okay. Javi was right, it’s good for you,” Yuzuru says.

Kanako screams again and Yuzuru jumps up just from that. He hasn’t been looking at the screen for a while now. He’s so wound up though, that just the shouting coming from the movie combined with Kana’s high-pitched screams sets him off. He focuses back on the screen and then he feels it.

The softest of touches, as light as a feather. It starts with one finger at the back of his hand, then two, maybe three. Delicately stroking up and down in what is supposed to be a calming manner. It does calm Yuzuru and he lets go of the tension he’s been feeling. Until he realises who the fingers belong to.

Yuzuru swallows, Shoma’s hand is now covering his on the couch, his thumb still drawing undecipherable figures on it before it slips underneath it. Yuzuru looks at Shoma from the corner of his eye and Shoma is looking back, waiting for Yuzuru to turn to him, so Yuzuru does.

“Do you want me to hold your hand?” Shoma asks as soon as his eyes meet Yuzuru’s again.

And Yuzuru is lost for words. Because holding someone’s hand while watching a movie isn’t something that friends do. Not in the way Shoma is about to hold his anyway. Holding someone’s hand during a horror movie was a romantic thing. Couples would do that or people who were interested in one another. Javi and Miki were probably holding hands right now, and if Yuzuru were to guess, Kana and Mao were holding each other’s as well. But they were Kana and Mao. Everyone knew that.

Yuzuru just couldn’t hold Shoma’s hand. It doesn’t matter that he’s done it already. This time it would be different. This time it would mean something and Yuzuru doesn’t even want to think what that something might be. It meant something to him when Shoma held his hand lying in his bed and on the edge of consciousness. It meant more to him than what it did to Shoma and Yuzuru can’t do it again. He can’t hold Shoma’s hand and pretend that it is something that it’s not.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Shoma,” Yuzuru says, his voice quivering.

“Okay,” Shoma says, his hand still not leaving Yuzuru’s, “I just thought it could be useful.”

And that’s the problem. Everything is rational when it comes to Shoma. He sees someone struggling and he tries to find a rational way to help them. And this situation is exactly the same. Shoma knows that Yuzuru is scared and he wants him to just take his numbness and finish the movie without worries. That’s how Shoma saw it and it’d work with anyone that wasn’t Yuzuru. Because others didn’t see Shoma the way Yuzuru has started to see him lately. Everything would be easier if Yuzuru could go back to how it was before.

Maybe Yuzuru could just pretend. Maybe he could just grab Shoma’s hand and thank him. Maybe he could act like anyone else would in this situation. Do it for Shoma at least. He’d deserve it.

Yuzuru decides then and quickly intertwines his fingers with Shoma’s before he can change his mind. He smiles at him and Shoma blinks a few times to make sure that Yuzuru is okay with this before turning back to the screen.

Yuzuru is not okay. Yuzuru should be feeling nothing right now. That was the plan. Shoma’s hand is in his and he should be taking advantage of that and making the most of it. Which he is, just not in the way Shoma intended. Yuzuru doesn’t want to feel nothing because he can’t let go of the sensations he can feel rushing through his whole body. He doesn’t even know what’s happening in the movie anymore. And he doesn’t even care. His mind is running wild with all kinds of different scenarios.

He knows he’s only making it worse. He knows Shoma will untwine their fingers when the movie ends, and the realisation coming with it will be crushing. But he can pretend. Just for now. For the next few minutes. He can pretend that they’re just two normal boys on a date in a movie theatre. He can pretend that Shoma’s holding his hand the way someone you like holds it, not because Shoma has a power that is convenient for Yuzuru. He can pretend that there are no powers at all. He can pretend that Shoma might feel the same.

They hold hands for the rest of the movie. Yuzuru, as cliché as it sounds, isn’t scared anymore. Shoma doesn’t know that though, and whenever there’s a creepy scene, he squeezes Yuzuru’s hand. Yuzuru relishes every second when the hold gets tighter, cherishes when the grip loosens and Shoma draws soothing circles on his skin with his thumb. Yuzuru almost has to laugh when he finds himself looking forward to the scary bits of the movie and wishing there were more of them.

Yuzuru knows that what he’s doing is dangerous. He knows the odds of him getting hurt are very high. He sees no way of quitting now though. It’s too late anyway. Every time Shoma’s hand moves in his, it sends shivers down his spine, and he can’t get enough of it. It’s new, it’s addicting and Yuzuru’s been holding back for so long not to enjoy it while he still can.

Lights hit Yuzuru’s eyes way too soon and he quickly closes them before trying to adjust. He wants to ask what happened but then he realises himself. The movie’s over and Javi had got up to turn the lights on. When Yuzuru looks at him, Javier is looking his way. But not right at him. Rather at…

Yuzuru lets go of Shoma’s hand, hoping that due to some miracle Javi might’ve not noticed after all.

Javi goes back to sit next to Miki, looking a bit puzzled.

 ***

It’s later that week when someone knocks on his door and when Yuzuru opens it, Javi marches into his room without asking. Yuzuru tries to supress his bewilderment and closes the door behind his friend.

When he turns around, Javi is already sitting on his bed, drumming with his fingers against his thighs.

“We need to talk about Shoma,” he says without preamble.

Yuzuru bites his lip and slowly goes to sit next to him. He’s been trying to avoid having this conversation.

“Okay,” he says, “what exactly do you want to talk about?”

“Are you going to tell him?” Javi asks directly.

“Tell him what?”

“Yuzu, we aren’t stupid, you know? We have eyes and we know that something’s going on between the two of you.”

“We?” Yuzuru says indignantly, “Who have you been talking about this with?”

“Who do you think? Maybe your other friends that you’ve been neglecting, and they’ve started to notice. We care about you and we want to know what’s happening.”

So, Javi worried about him. And not only Javi. Yuzuru knew that he’d been spending less time with his friends. He just thought it’d been the same for everyone as it had been for him. Javi just can’t expect him to spend all his free time with him. Yuzuru doesn’t have as much of it as he used to and it’s not like they’re training partners anymore.  

He just shrugs, “Nothing’s happening. I just spend more time with other people.”

Javier crosses his arms, “What people?”

“My group. I spend my time with them as I should, considering I am their supervisor.”

Yuzuru really doesn’t like the tone of Javi’s voice and he doesn’t like that he has to defend himself against something as stupid as him not spending enough time with Javier either.

“When was the last time you spent time with them then? Don’t you spend more time with just one of them?”

Yuzuru snorts and gets up from the bed, “Maybe I’m not spending my time with you anymore because whenever I do, it turns into an interrogation like right now. Please, leave this room.”

Yuzuru points to the door but Javier doesn’t move. His face is set into something hard, like a stone.

“I’m not leaving until you answer me, Yuzuru,” he says firmly, but Yuzuru can sense a bit of softness behind his words.

Yuzuru stands there with his finger pointing towards the door but he eventually has to sigh in defeat and sit back down. Javier moves closer to him and puts his hand on his thigh, trying for a bit of comfort.

“I want to know why you’ve been so uptight lately. I know some of it has to do with your powers not being in order, but that’s not the only thing, is it?”

Yuzuru has been avoiding his friends and he hasn’t been the nicest person to them either. Maybe he was scared that they’d find out the truth, which they did anyway.

It may seem ironic, but he’s never been good with words when it came to his emotions. He could talk about others and he would do that, maybe too much sometimes. It was easy for him because he had everyone figured out. He could give advices to all his friends without the blink of an eye. When the situation changed, and he was the one caught in the middle of it, he would usually hide. Hide and avoid his problems, avoid the solution as well, and whenever someone tried to help, he would lash out… Like he did right now.

“How long have you known?” he asks Javi with his head down.

Javi chuckles, “Two weeks maybe?”

Yuzuru lifts up his head to look at him, baffled, “So, longer than me. That’s so typical.”

Javi strokes his palm against his thigh, “Hey, what does that mean?”

“I don’t know. I just think it’s funny that I’m always the last one to realise that something’s going on with me.”

“It’s not your fault. You just focus more on others than you do at yourself. It’ll take time, but you’ll get there eventually. Look at me, I did.”

Yuzuru doesn’t know what to say, so he just lays his head on Javi’s shoulder. Javi puts his arm around him and just holds him.

They sit like that for a few minutes before Javi speaks again.

“Are you going to tell him?” he whispers.

“I can’t,” Yuzuru says resolutely.

“Why not?” Javi asks, stroking Yuzuru’s hair.

“Because there is only one possible outcome and even though I know what it will be, hearing it would be too definitive and I don’t think I’m ready for that.”

Javier hums. “You never know. Maybe he would appreciate it.”

Yuzuru has thought about telling Shoma ever since that night but it always ended up badly. It always ended the same way no matter how different the scenario was.

He laughs sadly, “I can imagine that. ‘I do appreciate you having feelings for me, Yuzuru, but you see, I do not reciprocate.’ I don’t need to tell him to know that that’s going to be the answer, Javi. He has no emotions.”

“Would you tell him if he did have them?” Javi asks.

“I don’t know. Maybe.” He sighs. “It’s stupid, you know? I am stupid. I think I like being with him because I can be myself?” He stops and rethinks his words. “It’s not that I can’t be myself with you, it’s just…”

“No, I understand,” Javi says with a squeeze of his shoulder.

“It’s easy being with him. I don’t have to think about anything else and I can just be me, you know? Of course, that I would ruin it all by developing deeper feelings.”

“I just don’t want you to eat your heart out because of it,” Javi says sympathetically.

Yuzuru looks up at him and then detangles himself from Javi’s half-hug and sits up straighter.

“You know, he once told me that no one’s ever loved him and that he doesn’t think anyone could. He probably wouldn’t know how to react if I told him.”

“Maybe someone did love him, but they were just too scared to tell him.” Javi looks him in the eye. “Just like you are right now.”

Yuzuru’s tongue gets tied, “Javi, I… I can’t. I can’t tell him.”

“Hey, it’s okay, you don’t have to if you don’t feel like it.”

“We’re friends, I enjoy being his friend and I don’t mind staying one. I don’t want things to be weird because he suddenly knows that I want to consider him as something more,” Yuzuru bites his lip. “I’m also sorry for not spending my time with you and making you worry.”

Javi’s eyes are warm now, “I don’t want you to feel like we’re forcing you. If you don’t want to, it’s okay. Just tell us next time. Cause we do worry, Yuzu.”

Yuzuru nods, “I will.”

“I will also understand if you’re not going to the party tonight, but people will miss you.”

Yuzuru chuckles, “Will they?”

Javi puts a hand on his heart. “I for sure will miss your dance moves and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Also, I asked your group to come, so if we’re too annoying, you can always hang out with them,” Javi winks at him, “Or Han?”

“Wait, what is Han doing here?” Yuzuru asks.

“Brian called him and asked him if he could help out with Boyang. He hasn’t arrived yet, but he should be here before the party begins.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t go after all,” Yuzuru says contemplating.

Javi shakes his head and pats him a few times on the back, “It’s been three years, dude. Get over it.”

***

Yuzuru does go to the party eventually. He doesn’t rush because he always plans on joining everyone one or two hours into the craziness that always happens. He doesn’t know why Brian lets them do these things. He usually has to cancel all the classes the next day because nobody shows up anyway.

When Yuzuru enters the big common room that has turned itself into a party room for the night, everyone’s already a bit drunk, which is good. People usually don’t persuade Yuzuru to drink with them when they’re already drunk.

The lights on the ceiling are flickering in different colours and there are some people on the dancefloor already. Come to think of it, there’s a lot of people in general.

Yuzuru makes his way to the makeshift bar and orders a glass of juice. The bartender, a girl he doesn’t think he’s seen before, asks him if he wants vodka in it and when Yuzuru shakes his head, she gives him a weird look. Bartenders are weird.

“Still not drinking alcohol?” someone says next to him and Yuzuru knows who it is even before he turns.

“I don’t have very fond memories of it,” Yuzuru replies.

Han chuckles and takes a sip of something that looks like coke but Yuzuru is sure that there’s some rum in it as well.

“I’m surprised you’re still drinking it, considering your history with alcoholic drinks,” Yuzuru says, twirling with his straw.

“I knew you were going to talk about this even before I saw you,” Han says, shaking his head.

“Hey, you started with the alcohol. I’m only saying it as it is,” Yuzuru shrugs, taking a sip of his juice.

“I missed you,” Han says, setting his own drink on the bar.

“Are you about to hug me?”

When Han doesn’t answer, Yuzuru rolls his eyes fondly and hugs him.

“I missed you too,” he says.

“How have you been?” Han asks when they part.

“Good. I have my own group here now, so there’s more work for me to do, but everything’s been great.”

Han nods, “Yeah, Javi mentioned that. Boyang is in your group, right?”

“Yeah, have you met him already?”

“No, no. I got here a moment ago. I hope I get to meet him tonight though,” Han says, going back to sipping on his drink.

He looks a bit different to how he used to. His hair is dyed to almost silver and it’s been shaved on the sides. Maybe that’s the only thing that’s different about him though. When Yuzuru looks at him, he can still see the same guy he used to hang out with.

“He should be somewhere around here,” Yuzuru says, looking over the room.

He doesn’t spot Boyang, but he notices Shoma with Wakaba and Evgenia in one of the corners. Wakaba is probably showing him the progress she’s made with Zhenya, something she’s been proudly presenting everyone the entire week, but Shoma isn’t looking at them.

Yuzuru smiles and lifts his hand to wave and Shoma waves back, small flicks of his hand.

“Is that him?” Han asks.

Yuzuru turns back to Han, “Did Javi mention my sad love life to you too?”

Han frowns, “What?” He points to Shoma. “I was just asking if that’s Boyang.”

Yuzuru widens his eyes, “Oh, no. Sorry. I just… I thought. No, that’s… that’s Shoma.”

The lines on Han’s forehead smooth out and he smiles mischievously, “And who is this Shoma guy?”

Yuzuru sighs, “Nobody.”

“The blush on your cheeks is telling me a different story,” Han says, his fingers quickly digging into Yuzuru’s sides.

“Stop it,” Yuzuru squeaks, making the people around them turn. “Stop tickling me.”

“Not before you answer,” Han says, his fingers not letting up.

“Never!” Yuzuru laughs.

“The two of you are certainly in a good mood. Did you put something in his drink?” Javi asks.

Yuzuru and Han turn to Javier, both breathing hard with smiles on their faces.

“I didn’t need to. My presence is always enough,” Han states, and Yuzuru playfully slaps his arm.

Javi disbelievingly shakes his head and then steps aside only to reveal Boyang who’s been standing behind him.

“This is Boyang. Boyang, this is Han,” Javi introduces them.

They shake hands, Boyang cunningly smiling, maybe because he’s found someone as mad as him.

“Good to finally meet you,” Han says, “I almost confused you with Yuzuru’s b- “

Yuzuru quickly puts his hand over Han’s mouth and secretly hits him on the back.

“Anyway, would you mind if I take Han elsewhere for a few minutes? I think he’s had too much to drink. You can talk to him later, Boyang,” Javi interferes and Yuzuru mouths his thank you.

“That’s a funny guy,” Boyang says. “I like him already.”

Yuzuru laughs, Boyang liked everyone. Straight away. Yuzuru would be surprised if he ever found someone that Boyang didn’t like. It probably worked both ways. He doesn’t think there was a person at this camp that didn’t like Boyang.

“Are you having fun?” Yuzuru asks him, taking his glass and following Boyang further into the room.

“Yeah, I love it. Did you just come?”

Yuzuru nods. He has to squeeze past way too many people to make it to the table that Boyang is leading them to.

“Aw, that’s a shame,” Boyang exclaims.

“What’s a shame?” Nathan asks, standing up to high-five Yuzuru in a way of greeting.

“Yuzuru missed your number,” Boyang says.

Yuzuru sits down next to Mai and sets his glass on the table. “What number?”

“Nathan and Adam had prepared a song together,” Mai answers.

Yuzuru’s eyebrows shoot up, “Oh, really?”

Nathan waves his hand, “It was nothing. Adam just wanted to sing some song and needed someone to accompany him on the piano, so I offered.”

“It was lovely,” Mai adds. “Wenjing and Cong danced together while Adam sang, and Jason too.”

“Who did Jason dance with?” Yuzuru asks.

“Himself,” Boyang laughs. “He has incredible moves though. I am jealous.”

“It’s great you’re here now,” Nathan screams over the loud music, “We were worried about missing the game.”

“What game?” Yuzuru shouts back.

Nathan points behind Yuzuru and when Yuzuru turns, he sees a few people standing in a line with someone in front of them. Then he realises that someone is Kana and that she has a scarf around her eyes.

“What is that game supposed to be about?” Yuzuru asks.

“Just watch them for a while, I think you’ll get it,” Nathan says.

There are a few people standing around Kana, laughing, some of them cheering. Yuzuru has to stretch to actually see what’s going on, but he does get it pretty soon.

Kana is trying to guess who the people in front of her are by touch. It’s funny because most of them are laughing as soon as she touches them, but their laughter doesn’t seem to carry over the music anyway. There’s also Ashley and Adam, of course, sitting nearby with a pen and paper. Writing down her answers. It seems like a silly game.

“What is the point of it besides fun?” Yuzuru asks after turning back to his table.

“It’s supposed to show how much you know us,” Nathan snickers.

Yuzuru turns back around and when he takes a closer look at all the people Kana, now taking off her scarf, was trying to identify, he realises they were all from her group.

“We were hoping you’d come, so we’d signed up for it in advance,” Boyang says with joy.

“We’re up next,” Wakaba cries behind them, motioning with her hand for them to come.

“Perfect,” Boyang stands up, clapping.

“What if I don’t want to do it?” Yuzuru asks, but he’s already on his way to Wakaba and the rest of the group.

“Then you’re admitting that you’re a loser who can’t tell the members of his group apart,” Nathan says.

Yuzuru whistles with wonder, “You do know how to persuade me to do stupid things, don’t you?”

“We know a lot about you, Yuzu,” Wakaba says.

“It’s time for you to show us if you know anything about us,” Karen adds.

When they’re all finally standing in the right place, Adam approaches Yuzuru with the scarf in hand.

“Do you know the rules?” he asks him.

Yuzuru nods.

“Good, I will repeat them anyway. No use of powers, no touching of the clothes and no cheating, Hanyu. Don’t forget that I see everything,” Adam warns him while tying the scarf at the back of his head.

“Is Yuzuru next?” Yuzuru can hear Javi enthusiastically shout somewhere behind him.

“Yeah,” Mao answers.

“Oh, I want to see this.”

“Don’t try to laugh at me, Javier,” Yuzuru tells him.

“I would never. I am your biggest fan,” Javi responds, and some of the people around them laugh.

Adam takes Yuzuru by the hand and leads him to the first person, “Just start here and then follow to your left.”

Yuzuru nods and then swallows.

He is competitive. Very competitive. He doesn't like to lose in anything. Be it a life-changing offer, or a stupid competition like this. Because this competition isn't stupid. Not for Yuzuru. And he wants to prove that he knows his group not to himself and not even to the people around him, but to his group. This might seem like a silly game that speaks nothing about what Yuzuru’s learned about them, but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t get everything right.

The first thing Yuzuru touches is the side of someone’s face. Considering he’s got his hand in almost the same height as his own face is on the other side and he can feel cheekbones, it can be only two people. He pats the front of the face for good measure and can feel the person shake with laughter before he moves up to touch the hair.

“There’s this old saying, ‘Curly hair is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get’,” Yuzuru announces while fluffing up the curls. “Isn’t that right, Nathan?”

Nathan bursts out laughing, and the curls suddenly disappear before they’re back again.

“You can move to the next one,” Adam says.

Yuzuru does as he’s told, and realises that he needs to put his hand lower this time to even touch the hair. Which is in a ponytail. Yuzuru thinks about how the girls had their hair styled.

“Wait a minute,” he says. “You’re all wearing ponytails tonight, aren’t you?”

He gets no answer, but he doesn’t need to. The laughter behind him is all he needs to know.

“Cunning, all of you.”

He touches the person’s hand with his left hand and moves the other around the face until he can touch the ear. He tugs on the earlobe playfully, but not for it to be painful.

“No earrings and short nails,” Yuzuru states.

“What?” someone says behind him.

He turns to his audience and he knows that he must look like an idiot talking to them while having a scarf covering his eyes, but he does so anyway.

“You see, this lady here doesn’t wear earrings. Which means it could be either Wakaba or Mai. If I’m not mistaken, Mai showed me how she’d painted her long nails a few days ago, so unless they’re gone now…”

He lets go of the hand and touches the person’s cheek.

“And Wakaba lost her round cheeks in the last five minutes, this should be her.”

“So?” Ashley says.

“This is Wakaba,” Yuzuru answers.

“Okay, move to the next one.”

“He’s good at this,” Kana says behind him and Yuzuru proudly smiles to himself.

Guessing the person next to Wakaba is quite easy because Yuzuru goes for the hair first, then the ear and when he doesn’t find earrings there, he turns to where he thinks Adam is sitting.

“This is Karen,” he says.

“What?” Nathan exclaims to his right. “You just said she wears earrings and this person isn’t wearing them.”

“Of course not, because she’s not stupid and put them in her pocket right after I said it, Nathan,” Yuzuru says. “May I touch the pocket of her dress, Mr. Rippon? For evidence?”

“Whatever, Yuzuru. And don’t call me Mr. Rippon, I feel old.”

“My apologies, Mr- I mean, Adam.”

In front of him, Karen chuckles and Yuzuru finds the pocket of her dress and something resembling earrings in it. He doesn’t need them, he knew it was Karen even without them, but he likes being dramatic.

This is a great game anyway. He’s enjoying this.

He shows what he’s found to the audience, “Can someone verify if these are earrings to me? Because I can’t see for myself.”

There’s a chorus of “yeahs” and Yuzuru puts the earrings back in Karen’s pocket.

“Like I said, this is Karen.”

He moves to his left and he knows who’s standing in front of him as soon as his fingers touch his face.

He could be a show-off and just say that it’s Shoma and move to the next person. Or he could play dumb and pat his face for a few seconds before coming up with some ridiculous explanation of why it’s him. Like the way his hair curls behind his ear, or the fact that his bangs are reaching his eyes now. Maybe he can tell because of his eyebrows that are always groomed so well. Or because of his hands that Yuzuru’s got to hold a few times now and he loves how he can cover them with his own. Maybe he can tell by his nose, his eyelashes or his lips that started to crack sometime this week. They’d been quite soft but not anymore. Yuzuru doesn’t know if it’s because of the hot weather or maybe the water in the pool that Shoma likes to swim in, but they’ve gotten dry and Yuzuru’s fingers get caught on the sharp bits of skin there.

Yuzuru realises he’s been touching Shoma’s lips for a while now when the hand he’s been holding squeezes his. He lets go of both as if they were burning, even though the only thing that’s burning are Yuzuru’s cheeks.

He clears his throat, “Um, this is Shoma.”

“No smartass comment about why it’s him?” Kana says.

“Shut up, Kanako,” Javi snaps at her and Yuzuru would give anything if he could just take off the scarf now and leave. He can imagine how everyone’s looking at him.

He doesn’t really remember how he guesses Boyang and Mai, but given that one has long and the other short hair, it was probably easy.

Some people pat him on the back when he finishes, some tell him that he was really good. None of them seem to look at him weird or ask him about what the thing with Shoma was all about. Maybe they’re all just good actors though.

Except for Javi. When Yuzuru looks at him, Javi approaches him with sympathy in his eyes.

“Are you okay?” he asks him.

“Yeah,” Yuzuru lies.

“No one noticed anything. Don’t worry,” Javi placates him.

Yuzuru can see Shoma over Javi’s shoulder and it looks like he’s waiting for him.

“Would it be bad if I left right now?”

He can’t stay here. He can’t stay and act like everything’s the same when it’s not. He can’t go and talk to Shoma and joke around as if nothing happened. Because something did happen and something even worse could happen if Yuzuru stays and he doesn’t want to do anything that he might regret later.

“Of course not. If you need to go, then go, Yuzu,” Javi says.

Yuzuru nods and turns around. He approaches the door as quickly as he can, and tries not to think about the big brown eyes he’s leaving behind.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I am back. I apologize for my absence (again), but there were lots of things to do and no time to write. This chapter isn't that long but better than nothing, I hope. Enjoy! <3

The next few days pass calmly. It almost becomes something of a routine for Yuzuru. He wakes up, goes to his class or his session with Tracy, has lunch, spends some time with his friends or has a session with Shoma and then goes to bed. The time he has before he meets up with Shoma each day helps him prepare himself for the encounter but also realise that he really likes spending time with Shoma and having him as a friend, and he’d miss him if he stopped.

He also needs to think about Shoma and how important these sessions are for him. He’s been taking them very seriously; writing down notes, reading the book Yuzuru had given him, asking questions and listening to Yuzuru’s explanations. Yuzuru’s tried not to act too differently around him and he hopes Shoma hasn’t noticed that something’s changed. Maybe he doesn’t sit as close to him as he used to, doesn’t put his hand around his shoulders when he’s explaining some emotions to him, or moves his hair out of his eyes, as it tends to fall there relentlessly. Shoma hasn’t said anything though, so it’s okay. Everything is okay.

“Hey, is everything okay?” Han nudges Yuzuru with his elbow, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“What?” Yuzuru asks, blinking a few times. The world is a bit blurry.

“You’ve been staring into the void for the past five minutes. Are you okay?”

“Did you forget how much he does this?” Javi chimes in, not looking up from the papers Brian gave him to read through.

“I guess I did. You’ve always loved spending too much time in your own head, Yuzu, haven’t you?” Han teases.

“Better than spending my time with you,” Yuzuru says with a smile.

“And he’s back with us,” Han announces loudly and claps him hardly on the back a few times.

Yuzuru tries to grab at his arm and shushes him, “Would you, please, calm down?”

“No,” Han says, grinning. Then, he adds, “Because I am excited.”

When he’s met with Yuzuru’s and Javi’s vacant stares, he continues, “I’m going to teach Boyang how to fly today.”

Yuzuru and Javi exchange glances.

“Han, I don’t know if someone hasn’t told you yet, but Boyang can fly already. I don’t think he needs you to teach him,” Yuzuru says.

Han rolls his eyes.

“He can’t do it on his own though,” he preens.

Javi puts his papers down and moves his chair closer to the two of them. “And how is this going to work? Are you going to be running around the camp with him attached to a string like a kite?”

Yuzuru bursts out laughing and high-fives Javi behind the table.

“I’ve never told why I left this camp, have I?” Han asks, pointing at them with his index finger, “It was because of you and your stupid remarks.”

Yuzuru chuckles. He’s missed this so much.

Yuzuru loved meeting new people at the camp, but being this his fifth year here, he’s had to say goodbye to so many people and even though he tries to stay in touch with them, a couple of messages here and there won’t make up for three months spent in close vicinity of his friends. Many people stayed, Yuzuru still has Javi, Maia and Alex, then there’s of course Kanako with Mao, and even Patrick lately. But he misses the old gang sometimes and how easy they made everything seem. When Yuzuru was going through his worst times, they were there for him. Always cheering him up. Maybe it’s just nostalgia, maybe everything used to be the same back then. Yuzuru can’t help imagining how the camp would’ve looked like if maybe Misha had still been there though.

He smiles at Han, “I’m glad you’re here.” He bites his lip, “I missed you.”

Han’s expression changes into something much calmer. He touches Yuzuru’s back with his arm that has been lying on the backrest of Yuzuru’s chair, not patting this time, only rubbing it comfortingly.

“I missed you too.”

Javi coughs loudly and Han lets go off Yuzuru’s back, shaking his head.

“When I said that I’d missed you, I meant both of you,” Han says.

Javi shrugs, “Would’ve fooled me.”

Yuzuru rolls his eyes and catches sight of Shoma looking at them and adverting his eyes before Yuzuru has a chance to smile at him.

“How’s it going with him?” Han asks, as Javi goes back to his work.

“Good, I think,” Yuzuru says, “It’s hard as we don’t know what we’re even aiming for. We’re mainly focusing on him learning about emotions, recognizing them when it comes to others and imitating some. He came here already knowing quite a lot, so that helps.”

Han nods pensively, “He’s not a very social person, is he?”

“Why do you think so?”

Han points to Shoma who’s reading and writing some notes into his journal.

“I don’t know. His friends are sitting right next to him, you’d think he’d be discussing whatever it is they’re talking about with them, yet he’s giving all his attention to that book of his.”

Javi looks up next to them. “Wait, isn’t that Tracy’s book? I’ve seen him with it a few times,” he notes.

“Yeah, I gave it to him,” Yuzuru says matter-of-factly.

“Well, he obviously likes it,” Han says.

“I mean, it’s a helpful book, that’s why I gave it to him in the first place.”

Yuzuru hasn’t thought about it much but Shoma’s started taking that book and his journal with him everywhere ever since that party. Yuzuru didn’t consider it as something important but it’s true that Shoma’s reading that book at any given moment. And he didn’t do that before.

“Anyway, that isn’t what I was asking about,” Han raises his eyebrows, “When I asked how it’s going, I meant the other thing.”

“My answer to that question would be the same,” Yuzuru smiles sadly. “To be honest with you, I have no idea what to do.”

“So, he’s not doing anything at all,” Javi murmurs.

Yuzuru gently kicks him under the table.

He turns back to Han, sighing, “Javi wants me to tell him.”

“And you don’t want to because…”

“Because he won’t reciprocate and then we’ll be in this weird state of him knowing and me knowing that he knows, and everything will be awkward,” Yuzuru shrugs.

“Aren’t you in this weird state already?” Han says.

Yuzuru frowns, “What?”

“His eyes keep tracing the same path. They go to you, then to his book and end up at his journal.” Han scratches his head. “What is he writing in there anyway?”

“Mihoko wants him to keep a diary and we also use it for practicing his knowledge of emotions. He writes what he sees and then I tell him if he’s right or not. I think he might be taking notes about some of the emotions in the book right now.”

“Or maybe about some of the people here,” Han mutters.

“What?” Yuzuru says, aghast, “You think he’s writing about me?”

“Maybe he’s writing about me. I don’t know,” Han says nonchalantly.

Yuzuru looks down, trying to hide his smile. The idea of Shoma writing about him in his journal is nice. It’s more than nice. It makes Yuzuru’s heart beat louder and there’s this strange shivering in his stomach that appears whenever he spends too much time with Shoma or looks at him for longer than he should. It’s silly because Shoma writes about everyone in that journal, so it’s obvious he would write about Yuzuru as well.

“Have you ever thought about how you’re the biggest enigma for him at this camp?” Han says.

Yuzuru wants to open his mouth and protest but Han continues.

“He has you telling him what everyone around him feels, but he has no idea about what you feel, Yuzu,” Han states. “And I only think that the more you’ll try to hide it, the more curious he’ll become.”

“Which takes us back to what I keep telling you and that is that you should tell him before he realises on his own,” Javi says.

When it’s been put like this, it makes a lot of sense. Because Shoma isn’t stupid. The more Yuzuru thinks about it, the more it seems that he’s the stupid one here. He basically came to Shoma and gave him a handbook on how to read him. He spends time with him describing all kinds of emotions, and then expressing those emotions himself. Of course, Shoma would start noticing what Yuzuru does in certain situations and assigning different feelings and meanings to it. Maybe he’s been trying to read Yuzuru as much as Yuzuru has been trying to read him.

***

Yuzuru decides to test this theory later that day. The TV is on but it’s mostly just background noise as both Yuzuru and Shoma are concentrating on their own work. Well, Shoma is concentrating on his work, Yuzuru is… concentrating on Shoma.

He hasn’t said much since he entered Yuzuru’s room an hour ago. He just sat on Yuzuru’s bed, asked if it’s okay for him to study and then proceeded to spend said hour just reading and scribbling into his journal, as he’s been often doing lately.

Yuzuru didn’t mind, he had his own things to do – a bit of practicing assigned by Tracy, some forms to be filled from Brian. It’s just that he finished all that more than fifteen minutes ago, and now he’s just pretending to be working and instead is watching Shoma from the corner of his eye.

He has a pen with a plastic duck, or maybe it’s a chick, at the end of it, that he sometimes takes off and rolls between his fingers. He’s doing it right now and Yuzuru can’t help but smile because it’s cute. Yuzuru didn’t think he could find hands cute but if there is such a thing as cute hands, he’s sure they’re Shoma’s. They seem small, but they aren’t much smaller than Yuzuru’s. It’s more that they’re very different. Yuzuru has big hands with long and slender fingers. Shoma has bigger palms compared to his fingers. His fingers are short and chubby, and Yuzuru wonders what their fingers would look like intertwined. He hates himself for missing his chance to look during the movie night. But his mind was racing back then and something as silly as this didn’t even cross it back then.

The yellow plastic bird falls out of Shoma’s hand and ends up on the bed between the two of them. Shoma starts patting the mattress around him to find it, but he obviously doesn’t care much because he doesn’t look up from the book.

Yuzuru shuffles forward a bit to grab it. Now that he can properly look at it, he realises it is a chick, the three black lines on its head probably representing the hair that cartoon chicks sometimes have.

Shoma must’ve noticed that the bed has started to move, and he turns to face him.

“Um, here,” Yuzuru says, handing the chick back to Shoma, and maybe letting go of it a second too late just to watch their hands close together.

“Thank you,” Shoma answers, putting it back on the end of his pen. He doesn’t turn back to his book though. He’s still facing Yuzuru as if he’s waiting for something.

Yuzuru decides that now’s as good a time as any.

“I’ve noticed that you’ve been writing into your journal more than you usually do,” he starts.

Shoma nods.

“Is it… Are you writing something new?” Yuzuru asks and then quickly adds, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I guess, I’m just curious.”

Shoma turns his back to him to grab his journal and then crawls up the bed, so he can sit next to Yuzuru.

“Actually, I’ve wanted to tell you for some time. I’d been just waiting until I had them all, but I guess some will still be missing,” he says while going through the pages. “Do you want me to read them for you, or are you going to read them yourself?”

Yuzuru looks at what he can decipher on the pages and sees some names with assigned powers. Oh… So, this is what Shoma’s been doing.

“How about you read them to me while I go through them with you. Does that work?” Yuzuru asks.

Shoma nods a few times and moves even closer to Yuzuru, so they can both look into Shoma’s journal at the same time.

Shoma starts with their group which is the easiest one as they’ve all known about each other’s powers since the first day. He also mentions Satoko because she’s one of the people he’s talked about with Yuzuru already. He also guesses Kaori’s and Zhenya’s powers correctly, saying that Mai and Wakaba often talk about them.

“I’ve had these figured out for some time, but the rest, what I’m about to read now, is all very recent. Basically, I’ve been working on these in the last few days and I’m not sure about most of them yet,” Shoma shrugs.

“That’s okay,” Yuzuru assures him, “I can help. That’s what I’m here for.”

Shoma turns the page and Yuzuru can see the difference already. The first few pages were quite neat. Usually consisting of a name, power, its manifestations, and training partner’s name. The next page is mostly filled with scribbled powers that are crossed out and then rewritten only to be crossed out again.

“I started with Javi because I know he used to be your training partner, so your powers must have some similarities,” Shoma says.

Yuzuru leans over, so he’s more behind Shoma than next to him, and can look at his journal over his shoulder.

“I’ve also noticed that his group usually acts in the same way, and even you sometimes change when the two of you are speaking.”

So, Shoma was noticing. Shoma was noticing more than other people usually noticed. Even Yuzuru sometimes didn’t notice that Javi used his powers on him, usually too occupied with other things he had to do. But Shoma wasn’t affected, so he could notice all of it.

“He can make people feel things, right?” Shoma says, turning his head.

“Yeah.”

Their faces are way too close like this and Yuzuru thinks of pulling away, but he’s met with the back of Shoma’s head before he can do so. Shoma leans back, so his back is met with Yuzuru’s chest and Yuzuru doesn’t know what to do with his arms, so he wraps them around Shoma’s middle to steady him.

“Is this okay?” Yuzuru asks him.

Shoma nods and then wriggles a bit, “It’s very comfy.”

Yuzuru tries to hold his breath but Shoma is obviously unbothered by all of this, so he gives up and just hooks his chin over Shoma’s shoulder.

“He can control his powers well and his current training partner is Miki,” Shoma continues.

“Yeah. Do you know what Miki’s power is?” Yuzuru asks.

Shoma shakes his head, “No, but I want to figure out on my own.”

“Okay.” Yuzuru looks at the next page. “Then there’s Maia and Alex.”

“Yeah. I was watching them during our basketball game and when they were swimming, and they are connected in some way, but…” He turns the page. “I think Wenjing and Cong are connected as well, and I don’t think it’s possible for them to share the same power.”

Shoma shrugs and Yuzuru’s head goes up and down with the motion.

“They have very similar powers,” Yuzuru says, unwrapping his hand from Shoma’s middle and turning the page back to Maia and Alex’s. “The Shib’s connection is mostly mental or emotional.”

“So, that means that Maia can feel what Alex feels or she knows what he’s thinking about, and vice versa?” Shoma asks.

“Yes. Wenjing and Cong, on the other hand,” Yuzuru turns the page again, “have the ability to...” Yuzuru stops, looking for the right word, “… enter each other’s bodies? Does that make sense?”

Shoma doesn’t say anything for the longest time and then just shakes his head.

“Basically, you’ll have Cong’s body, but it’ll only work as a vessel because Wenjing will be in it,” Yuzuru tries to explain.

“Oh. Can both of them be in the same body at the same time?” Shoma asks.

Yuzuru chuckles, “Thankfully no. I don’t know how that would work. Also, I can’t imagine what would be happening with the abandoned body.”

Shoma hums, “That’s true.” He looks back at the page. “How did they find out? Did it work the same way that Wakaba’s and Zhenya’s powers work and then one day they connected or…?”

“No. They’ve always been connected. Both Alex and Maia, and Wenjing and Cong came here together. Connected powers aren’t something new. They are rare but not unthinkable.”

“What about Adam and Ashley? Are their powers connected?”

Yuzuru shakes his head, “No. As far as I know, they met here and Rafael, he used to work here as their supervisor back then, thought it’d be useful to have them as training partners. Adam and Ashley are what Mai and Kaori are, or what Javi and I used to be.”

“Or the two of us?” Shoma adds.

“Yeah, or the two of us.” Yuzuru puts his arm back around Shoma. “You still haven’t told me what their powers are though.”

“Theirs weren’t that hard to guess. I’ve heard you call them Eyes and Ears a few times,” Shoma teases.

“Ah… I should work on my subtlety then,” Yuzuru giggles. “Who’s who, then?”

“Adam is the Eyes and Ashley is the Ears?” Shoma guesses.

Yuzuru squeezes his middle, “Yup. See? You’re really good at this. I don’t know what you were talking about.”

Shoma just shrugs again.

“Who’s next?” Yuzuru asks.

“Patrick,” Shoma turns the page, “I know he works at the aquarium and then I saw him in the pool. I went to the library and tried searching there. I found this book about waterbreathing, but I don’t know if that’s actually his power.”

Yuzuru can't stop smiling. He is amazed by this person in front of him and how clever he is.

“We used to think exactly like you. Even Patrick used to think that his power was the ability to breathe under water,” Yuzuru says.

“Is it not?”

“It was the first thing that developed and still is the thing he’s most comfortable with, but he can do more than just breathe under water. He has something that is called lung adaptation. So, basically, he can breathe anywhere.”

Shoma disentangles from Yuzuru’s hold, so he can lean over the bed and grab his pen again. He crosses out waterbreathing underneath Patrick’s name and adds what Yuzuru just told him.

“Is he able to control it well?” Shoma asks.

Yuzuru shrugs, “More or less. I don’t think other environments are as easy for him as water is, and it’s dangerous to train in such surroundings anyway. I remember Brian used to be against him training in outside waters because something could’ve gotten into his lungs.”

“I’ve never thought about it like that. Some of these powers are so dangerous,” Shoma says, writing more things into his journal.

“Ups and downs, remember?”

"Yeah."

Yuzuru looks at Shoma’s pen and smiles to himself, “You have a cute chick.”

Shoma’s writing ceases and he turns his head. Yuzuru points to the pen.

“Oh, thank you. My mum gave it to me.”

“It’s very cute,” Yuzuru repeats, omitting that he finds Shoma even cuter. “Is there anyone else?” he asks when Shoma’s settled against his chest again.

“Only Kanako,” Shoma says.

“Ah, you had the privilege of experiencing her powers yourself, right?”

Shoma nods.

“How was it?”

Shoma tilts his head, probably looking for the right words to say. “It was… interesting.”

Yuzuru chuckles, “I’m sorry for asking. It must be hard for you to describe.”

“No, it’s not that. I think I wouldn’t know what to say even if I could feel.” Shoma swallows and turns in Yuzuru’s arms to look at him. “Has she ever used it on you?”

“Yeah, a few times. I remember the first time she did it, she didn’t warn me beforehand.”

“That wasn’t nice of her.”

“Well, I wasn’t exactly nice to her when she did it, so let’s say that I deserved it. That doesn’t change the fact that it scared me like nothing before.”

Yuzuru still remembers Kanako’s laughter after seeing his frightened face. It seemed that she couldn't stop and would laugh forever.

“I kind of envy you the comfort of just enjoying the view without worries,” Yuzuru adds.

“She didn’t show me anything scary, but I think you’re right. Even the calmest image would probably scare me if it… well, if it could.”

Shoma looks back at his journal and says with finality in his voice, “I know it’s not everyone and I didn’t even guess correctly sometimes, but I wanted to show you my progress.”

“Shoma,” Yuzuru says and rubs his hands against his sides in comfort. Shoma turns back to face him and Yuzuru continues, “I think you’re doing better than most people at the camp would. You’re very perceptive. And you already know what all the supervisors’ powers are. That’s amazing.”

“I don't though,” Shoma objects.

“What do you mean? Is there a new supervisor that I don’t know about?” Yuzuru says jokingly.

“No, but I haven’t figured out anything about Mao.”

Oh.

The smile leaves Yuzuru’s face and he lets go of Shoma and moves away, so there can be at least a few inches of space between them.

“Have I said something wrong?” Shoma asks.

“No, it’s just that… Mao is here, so Kanako can look after her… she… she can’t see, Shoma.”

Shoma blinks. Once, twice, three times before his eyelashes start fluttering at an incomprehensible speed.

“Yes, she can,” he mumbles.

Yuzuru bites his lip. He thought this would be Shoma’s reaction. Because this has been everyone’s reaction, Yuzuru included.

“She really can’t, Shoma,” he says, placatingly.

“But she told me she liked my shirt yesterday. How could she know what my shirt looked like if she can’t see?”

“Were you two alone when she told you?” Yuzuru asks calmly.

“No, Kanako was- “

Yuzuru can pinpoint the exact moment when it dawns on him. Shoma’s usually calm eyes widen a bit before narrowing back to their common form.

“Is that connected to her power? Just like Zhenya can’t speak, Mao can’t see but with some work, she will be able to again?” Shoma says.

Yuzuru shakes his head, “No. Mao has no powers.”

“Okay,” Shoma says, but Yuzuru can see that he still has problems understanding all of this.

Yuzuru gives Shoma some time to absorb this new information. They end up lying on the bed next to each other, both of them just staring at the ceiling. Yuzuru doesn’t know how much time has passed when Shoma’s voice can be heard again.

“Has she always been like this?” he asks.

Yuzuru considers staying quiet, after all it’s not his story to tell, but he also knows that Shoma is the last person who would start treating Mao differently.

“No, she had an accident in class when she was a teenager. Kanako still thinks it’s all her fault.”

Shoma turns on his side, “Was Kanako there when it happened?”

“Yeah, she was worried sick. More than Mao was. She didn’t want to leave her room at the hospital… and then it only got worse when she got her powers,” Yuzuru sighs.

“What do you mean?” Shoma mutters.

“Remember how I told you about triggers?” Yuzuru asks, turning on his side, so he can face Shoma, too.

Shoma nods. He has his palm underneath his head, the other still holding his pen.

“It seems that Mao’s accident was Kana’s trigger. I mean, it’s a fact. Kanako’s powers developed because of Mao.” Yuzuru rubs his eyes. “But Kanako thinks it was the other way around. She thinks that something must’ve happened for her powers to develop and if she hadn’t had them in the first place, Mao would’ve still been able to see.”

Shoma nods in understanding, “What do you think?”

“I don’t know. I think it’s a complicated situation to begin with and we don’t have other examples to compare it with,” he shrugs. “Javi and Miki are working on a project together and they’re hoping to find more about it, but it’s very difficult.”

“Can’t they use Maia and Alex though? I thought their powers developed based on each other as well?”

“Not really. I probably should’ve explained this sooner, but having your power set off by a trigger isn’t the most pleasant thing to go through and it’s not safe either.”

Shoma shuffles a bit closer and Yuzuru takes it as him being interested in what he has to say, so he continues.

“Basically, when something triggers off your power, your body goes through an enormous change in a short period of time. It’s as if you went through twenty years of your life in a day. It’s confusing, it’s detrimental to the body and mind, and for the longest time, all of us thought it was unavoidable.

“But it can be avoided. Brian came up with a series of tests that you need to go through that will determine whether there is a dormant gift inside of you or not. He was ecstatic when he first found out,” Yuzuru smiles at the memory. “It was something amazing because suddenly you didn’t need to wait for someone to go through this dangerous change and then try to get them back together. You could control the change.

“That’s what most people’s training partners are here for. It’s impossible to find people that are in the same stadium of power development, but it’s easier to find someone who has a similar power or someone who has the opposite power to yours and can ease your power out of you. Is this understandable?”

Shoma nods.

“You asked me if we could use Maia and Alex as an example for what happened to Kanako and Mao, but Maia and Alex’s powers weren’t triggered in the same way that Kanako’s was. Theirs developed over time. Let’s say that every interaction between Maia and Alex worked as a small trigger in this ridiculous and complicated contraption until there was nothing left to be triggered. And that’s what we’re doing here. That’s what I’m trying to do with you, that’s what Wakaba’s doing with Zhenya, Mai with Kaori, Zijun with Satoko.”

Shoma hums, “Can’t you use someone whose power was triggered then? Yours was, wasn’t it?”

Yuzuru still can’t help the small tremor that rushes through him whenever he remembers it. He tries to smile and hide his true feelings behind it.

“I guess we could do that and find more similarities, but it still wouldn’t match. There are different triggers and usually it’s something big, something that means a lot to you. The first thing that would come to mind is people, right?”

Shoma thinks about it for a while before he answers.

“Yeah,” he says.

“And yet, Kanako is the only person at this camp who had their power triggered by another person. A person she has no power connection to, and what’s even more baffling, a person that has no power at all.”

“They are very close friends, aren’t they? Kanako and Mao,” Shoma asks after a while.

Yuzuru snorts, “I don’t know what they are, Shoma, but I don’t think calling it friendship does their relationship justice. I’ve never seen anyone share what they share. I know they had been close before, but it seems that Kana’s powers have only brought them closer. And it’s not like they need each other like Wenjing and Cong do, or Maia with Alex. I think they could live without each other well. I even think that Kana’s powers would maybe disappear if she left Mao. But she doesn’t want to. She believes that the only good thing she can do with it – other than prank us with it – is to use it in a way that would help Mao live her life as fully as she can. Their relationship and this whole situation is so amazing and unbelievable, and I wish there was someone else who had gone through this, so we could see how much of it is just them being Kana and Mao, and how much of it is caused by Kanako’s power. But I also don’t want anyone to experience what some of us had to.”

They lie silently on the bed for a few minutes. Yuzuru contemplating everything he’s just said, Shoma probably doing the same.

“What if,” Shoma suddenly whispers, “what if I’m like Mao.”

When Yuzuru meets his eyes, it’s almost as if he saw fear in them.

“You’re not,” he says. “Remember the tests that you went through before entering the camp?”

Shoma nods slowly, “They were positive.”

Yuzuru moves closer to him and comfortingly caresses his arm, “There is something in you. We just don’t know what it is yet.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I'm updating so soon. I don't know why I'm writing instead of studying. But I hope you enjoy this chapter anyway. Thank you all for your lovely comments and 100 kudos, whoop! <3

Shoma stays the night again.

It was quite late already when he left in the evening. Yuzuru realised they had missed dinner but he wasn’t feeling particularly hungry, so he decided to take a shower and go to bed. He heard someone knocking on his door just as he was leaving the bathroom, a towel still in his hand as he was trying to dry his hair with it.

When he opened the door, he was met with Shoma. Just standing there in his pyjama pants and an old t-shirt. Blinking. He looked like he didn’t know what to say, just staring at Yuzuru. Obviously waiting for him to say something first.

So, Yuzuru did.

“Boyang?”

Shoma shook his head. “Nathan.”

Yuzuru frowned and took a few steps back, letting Shoma in.

“Nathan?” he asked incredulously.

“He keeps talking about Mai and won’t let us sleep,” Shoma sighed, pointing to the bed with his hand.

Yuzuru nodded and Shoma plopped himself down. Arms and legs spread, looking like a starfish. It was adorable.

Yuzuru sat next to him, smiling to himself. “He likes her, it’s cute.”

“He’s obsessed and it’s annoying,” Shoma complained. “When you like someone, you don’t act like he does. It’s not normal.”

Yuzuru startled when he heard Shoma say the words ‘like’ and ‘you’ in the same sentence before he realised Shoma wasn’t actually talking about him. He was talking about people in general. At least that was what Yuzuru hoped for.

Yuzuru bit his lip. “How would you know that?” He tried to go for a teasing tone, but his own voice must’ve failed him because he could hear the tremor in it himself.

Shoma looked at him and shrugged, “Just a guess.”

That should’ve placated him, but it didn’t. Shoma had been looking at him as if he was trying to decipher every small thing that Yuzuru did. His eyes piercing right through. It was unnerving. It was uncomfortable. Yuzuru felt naked to the bone.

“Can I stay here? I’m really tired,” Shoma said, completely unaware of what he was doing.

Yuzuru nodded. Shoma thanked him and fell asleep minutes later.

He’s still sleeping now. He’s lying on his side, facing Yuzuru who is blocking the sun that woke him up minutes ago from reaching Shoma’s face. Face that looks even softer in his sleep. His breathing is deep and even.

Yuzuru’s stomach rumbles. He quickly puts his hand over it as if that would stop the noise from coming out. He looks up at Shoma in panic but thankfully he’s still asleep. Yuzuru’s stomach doesn’t want to shut up though, no matter how hard Yuzuru presses it. He really should’ve gone to dinner yesterday.

Yuzuru turns to his other side reluctantly to look at his phone. It’s still way too early for breakfast to be served in the dining hall. The rest of the camp is most likely in the same state as Shoma.

When Yuzuru’s belly screams for food again, he sighs and decides to get up. He moves as slowly and silently as he can. Trying not to make the mattress dip too low or too close to Shoma, so he doesn’t wake him up.

When Yuzuru sits up, the sun he’s been blocking, hits Shoma in the face and Shoma grimaces, pressing his eyes, so they can stay shut. Yuzuru should’ve put a pillow there to block it instead.

He throws the covers off and hears a soft whine next to him. Shoma’s eyes are only cracked open, but they’re open nonetheless.

“Where are you going?” he mumbles in his half-asleep state, his mouth is barely moving.

“Go back to sleep,” Yuzuru whispers. “I’ll be right back.”

Shoma nods and slurs some more words that Yuzuru can’t decode before closing his eyes again and burrowing himself deeper into the covers. Yuzuru doesn’t want to leave him when he’s looking like a content mouse, but he really needs to eat.

He goes to the small kitchenette and starts rummaging around. There usually isn’t much. It’s not like they use it for cooking even though there is a cooker and some other appliances. There are some eggs in the fridge though, some milk, and Yuzuru’s found flour as well. That should be enough then. There’s also a bottle of chocolate topping that, Yuzuru is sure, belongs to Javi, but he’s also sure that Javi won’t mind if he steals some.

He makes the batter as quietly as possible, knowing how early it is and that the rest of the floor is still asleep. He takes the pan out and pours a bit of oil on it. The batter starts sizzling as soon as it touches the burning oil and Yuzuru can’t wait to finally taste the finished pancake. When he turns it, it is slightly burnt but the first pancake is always like that. He sets it aside and pours another scoop of batter onto the pan.

“What are you doing?” a hushed voice says.

Yuzuru turns.

Shoma is leaning against the fridge, widening his eyes in an attempt to unstick his eyelashes.

Yuzuru smiles at him. “You should’ve stayed in bed.”

“You weren’t there,” Shoma replies. 

Yuzuru doesn’t know what that means. He doesn’t know what Shoma’s trying to say with it. If he’s trying to say anything at all. It sets off the butterflies in his stomach nonetheless.

Yuzuru blushes and lowers his sight. He goes back to looking at the pancake on the pan. He takes it off and puts it on a plate.

“That smells delicious,” Shoma says. “Are you making pancakes?”

“Um, yeah,” Yuzuru motions with his spatula, “Do you want some?” It’s not like Yuzuru wasn’t making enough batter for both him and Shoma anyway.

Shoma comes closer and looks at the pancake Yuzuru’s just made. He nods before hopping onto the kitchen counter right next to the bowl with the batter. He sits there, swinging his legs, and eyeing the golden pancake Yuzuru’s just made, so Yuzuru turns the one that is currently on the pan and then grabs a fork and a knife, and cuts a small bit of the other one. He holds it in front of Shoma’s mouth. Shoma opens it wide and closes his eyes without hesitation. The fork disappears into his mouth and when Yuzuru takes it out again, Shoma licks his lips and hums in appreciation.

It’s so easy to imagine that this is a completely different scenario. That they’re alone, maybe in Yuzuru’s flat. They’ve woken up from another night that they’d spent together. Yuzuru goes to make them breakfast even though it’s Shoma’s turn to make it today, but Yuzuru just lets him sleep. He always does. He leaves the bedroom door ajar, but tries to be quiet, so Shoma can wake up to the smell of pancakes rather than to the noise coming from the kitchen. Shoma will wake up and come to the kitchen, hug Yuzuru from behind and hook his chin over his shoulder. Maybe he’ll say that it was his turn to make breakfast, maybe he’ll stay silent and leave a small kiss on the side of Yuzuru’s neck, both a greeting and a thank you. He’ll sit on the countertop and swing his legs and Yuzuru will feed him bits of pancakes in-between exchanging sweet kisses.

Shoma moans again and Yuzuru is pulled back to reality.

“Good?” he asks, lowering the fork.

“Very good,” Shoma answers, still chewing. “Could be a bit sweeter.”

“Everything could be sweeter when it comes to you and food,” Yuzuru says fondly, shaking his head. “You can put some sugar on it later.”

“Okay.”

Shoma’s eyes stay on the pancake though and he reaches out for it a moment later. Yuzuru quickly slaps his hand away.

“Ouch,” Shoma cries.

“Stop stealing,” Yuzuru warns him, laughing at his affronted face, “And don’t try this on me. Just because you know how to do it doesn’t mean you should start abusing it.”

Yuzuru puts another fried pancake onto the plate and puts more batter onto the pan. When he looks up again, Shoma is pouting. Yuzuru decides to ignore him.

“Did you know there are many pictures of facial expressions online?” Shoma asks when he can’t get Yuzuru’s attention the first time.

“Did you know that I’d asked Brian not to have Wi-fi at this camp?”

“You’re no fun,” Shoma says, still pouting.

Yuzuru sighs and puts three pancakes onto a different plate and presents it to Shoma. “Here, take it and stop pouting.”

Shoma smiles at that, “Thank you.”

He hops off the counter and goes to sit at the small table.

“You’re really on this morning, aren’t you? I’m worried you might start crying next.”

Shoma shakes his head, “Sadly, I still haven’t mastered that. Maybe one day.”

“Maybe,” Yuzuru chuckles. “Is there a reason for this?” He pours the rest of the batter onto the pan.

“Yeah,” Shoma says, “Can I use this?” he points to the chocolate topping that Yuzuru put on the table.

“Sure.”

Shoma opens the lid and pours an unhealthy amount of chocolate onto his pancakes. “Miming helps me wake up in the morning. My face looks the same almost all day long, I have to practice at least a bit.”

“Miming also helps you get wrinkles,” Yuzuru notes. He likes to remind Shoma of that.

“They can’t be worse than yours,” Shoma fires back.

Yuzuru turns from the stove, ready to throw something at Shoma, whether it will be another remark or the spatula, but Shoma’s currently licking his chocolate-covered fingers looking at Yuzuru like it’s nothing, and Yuzuru swiftly turns back.

Being in Shoma’s presence is proving to be more and more difficult.

Yuzuru is thankfully saved by the clearing of a throat.

Javi is standing close to the entrance to the kitchenette. Hair a mess, one eye still closed and his mouth wide open in a yawn.

“What’s going on here?” he asks, going to one of the cupboards and taking out a mug.

“Nothing. I was hungry and decided to make some pancakes,” Yuzuru says.

Javi sidles up next to him, making their hips almost touch.

“Have you told him already?” he whispers.

Yuzuru’s breakfast is ready. All the pancakes are beautifully golden and there’s no reason for him to be staying close to the stove.

He shakes his head and starts playing with the handle of the pan. “There wasn’t time.”

“Didn’t you spend yesterday’s afternoon together?” Javi puts three teaspoons of coffee into his mug.

Yuzuru looks at Shoma, but he’s not listening to them. He has a fork in his right hand, his left hand preoccupied with swiping over his phone. He’s grimacing again. He’s endearingly ridiculous.

Yuzuru turns back, “I probably should’ve said that it hadn’t been the right time.”

Javi starts to sigh but Yuzuru continues, “I wanted to, I really did, but we started talking about something else and it would’ve been weird to just drop it all on him after that.”

Javi nods, pouring boiling water into his mug. “I just think you shouldn’t be pretending.”

“I’m not, I’m really not. We’re fine. Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay,” Javi pats him a few times on the back and turns to Shoma, increasing the volume of his voice, “I believe that chocolate is mine.”

Shoma looks up from his phone, munching, “It’s very good.”

Javi just shakes his head in disbelief and then promptly leaves.

Yuzuru sits down opposite Shoma who’s still staring at his phone. Shoma takes it and puts it next to his head, widening his eyes and opening his mouth in surprise. There’s a similar picture on his phone. The person on the picture just doesn’t have bits of pancakes in their mouth and chocolate on their lips.

“Beautiful,” Yuzuru praises him ironically.

Shoma grabs his chair and his plate, and drags both closer to Yuzuru, “Look at this one.”

They spend the rest of their breakfast like that. Shoma imitating faces and Yuzuru judging them on a scale from 1 to 10. Yuzuru would like to think that he is a fair judge, but he’s also biased when it comes to Shoma, so when most of his responses turn out to be 10s, he’s not even surprised. He’s more surprised when Shoma finishes his breakfast and starts stealing bits of his. Yuzuru offers him the last pancake but Shoma just shakes his head. He does end up eating half of it anyway, even though he wouldn’t admit it.

***

They skipped going to the dining hall and having another breakfast there. Both were full enough to burst. Shoma had a morning class and Yuzuru had a session with Tracy anyway. A session that Tracy ended before the appointed time because apparently Yuzuru couldn’t focus and kept laughing. If having a good mood leads to no sessions, Yuzuru will gladly continue.

He gets to have lunch earlier than most of his friends thanks to this, which also means that there’s no one sitting at their table. There are others sitting nearby though.

Shoma waves at him as soon as he spots him. Yuzuru can’t believe he’s not sick of him already. They’ve spent a lot of time together lately, but it only seems like Shoma is seeking out more.

It looks like the whole group is there and they’re all finished with their meals already, opting for playing some board game instead. Yuzuru takes the tray with his food and joins them.

He sits down next to Shoma and nods when he asks him if he wants to be on his team. They’re playing Ludo, divided into four groups of two, Yuzuru being the last person they needed to be complete. They must’ve started not too long ago because there aren’t many tokens on the track. His and Shoma’s tokens are still in their starting square but at least they’re red, which Yuzuru appreciates.

Yuzuru’s eating bits of cucumber when Boyang starts arguing with Nathan, who has apparently unfairly returned Boyang’s token into his and Karen’s starting square.

“What do you mean?” Nathan starts defending himself, “I got a 6 and your token was standing on the square where I ended up. Of course, it should’ve been returned then.”

“But that’s not how it works,” Boyang laments, “Because you rolled the dice again after that and got a 3, so your number wasn’t a 6 but a 9 and you shouldn’t have even touched my token.”

Nathan turns to Mai, whose shoulders he’s embracing with one of his arms, “What do you think?”

Mai just shrugs and looks at Karen sitting next to Boyang, “I think we should’ve set the rules before we started playing the game.”

Zhenya’s eyes widen and it looks like she’s trying to say something. She blinks a few times at Wakaba.

“Zhenya thinks we should start anew,” she says.

“I agree. Yuzuru wasn’t here for the first few rounds anyway,” Karen adds.

“Okay,” Yuzuru says, putting all the tokens into their respective starting squares. “Let’s use Nathan’s version for this game. It’s more enjoyable when you can fling off other’s tokens.”

There are no more arguments after that. Everyone takes turns in throwing the dice, laughing and playing enjoyably. Yuzuru is a sore loser, so he might wail more loudly when one of their tokens is returned to the starting square so close to making it into the home column. He’s also fond of how Shoma puts his hand on his back after that and keeps it there, rubbing it every time it seems like they’re not doing well enough.

“You weren’t at breakfast today,” Nathan points out, looking at Yuzuru and Shoma.

“Yeah, I made myself and Shoma some pancakes and we weren’t hungry afterwards,” Yuzuru says, moving his token five squares.

“You weren’t at dinner yesterday either,” Nathan adds.

“I wasn’t hungry,” Yuzuru forces out. “Are you my nutritional advisor?”

“No, just curious. Since Shoma wasn’t present either, so…” He goes for nonchalance but it’s obvious what he’s trying to imply here. Two can play this game though.

“Yeah, he couldn’t sleep because apparently you kept talking?” Yuzuru smiles sweetly at him. “About someone?”

Nathan turns red and doesn’t say anything for the rest of the game.

Most of the conversation ends up being about Boyang and his new training regime anyway. Han is a legend, at least according to him.

“He’s so funny. And quirky.” Boyang is laughing and shaking his head. The dice falls out of his hand and down on the floor. He bends down to pick it up and hits his head on the way up.

Everyone starts laughing.

“Hilarious,” Boyang says, trying to find the affected spot with his hand and putting some pressure on it. “Thank you, brother, for not laughing at me,” he says to Shoma.

Yuzuru knows Shoma is probably deciding whether to laugh with the rest of them just to annoy Boyang more, but he doesn’t in the end.

“As I was saying, that guy is brilliant. He doesn’t look it, but he’s just ridiculous. Unbelievable. Have you seen his hair? Amazing.”

“It almost sounds like you’ve fallen in love,” Nathan snickers.

Boyang grabs at his heart, closing his eyes. Even though there isn’t much of them, there are still some other people in the dining hall, but he doesn’t seem to mind the audience. “Han Yan, my prince from a fairy tale.”

“Oh, Boyang,” Wakaba says because there are no other words to describe him anyway.

“No, I’m serious. Whoever ends up with that guy is lucky,” Boyang says more seriously.

Yuzuru can feel Shoma’s leg press harder against his under the table but Shoma’s not looking at him. He leans over the table to grab the dice a moment later and the close press of his leg is gone.

“I need to tell him you said that. He will appreciate that,” Yuzuru says.

Boyang raises his hands, palms up, “No need, no need. I’ve told him everything myself already.”

Boyang is a peculiar guy. In a good way. And honest. Yuzuru really likes that about him. Maybe he is as peculiar as Han is in some ways, and that is the reason for it. Yuzuru is happy that they get along so well because he likes them both and wants them to become good friends.

When it’s obvious that Zhenya and Wakaba are going to win and everyone’s just playing for the game to be over, Shoma presses closer to Yuzuru again.

“I know we don’t have a session today, but Mihoko has an appointment, and I was wondering if we could spend some time together?” he whispers.

“Um…” Yuzuru really didn’t expect himself to be spending today with Shoma, at least not more than he already has. “Of course. I just don’t know what we’d do.”

“That doesn’t matter. We can re-watch some of the movies or play some games. I really don’t mind that you have nothing prepared.”

Yuzuru usually didn’t have anything prepared and only decided what they’d do at the last second. Lately though, he had to prepare something. And that something was himself.

“Okay.”

***

They end up going to Yuzuru’s room right after lunch. Nathan looks like he wants to say something when he sees that Shoma isn’t going to the same building as they are, but keeps his mouth shut when Yuzuru sternly looks at him.

They don’t do much. There’s TV playing in the background but neither of them pays any attention to it. Yuzuru is going through Brian’s and Tracy’s tasks on his computer, and Shoma is playing some game on his phone.

Yuzuru really doesn’t understand what Shoma gets from any of this. He understands how beneficial it is for him when they’re training, but this is something different. Yuzuru likes spending time with him, of course he does, if he could spend every second of this camp barricaded in his room with Shoma watching cliché movies, he would. It might be a bit rude to his friends but that’s the truth. Lately though, it seems that Shoma would like to do that too. And Yuzuru doesn’t know why.

“What do you have in that box?” Shoma asks out of the blue. He’s not on his phone anymore, leaving it lying face down on the bed.

Yuzuru shrugs, “Just some earphones.” He’s sure Shoma isn’t ready for him to start talking about his favourite thing in the world.

But Shoma doesn’t let himself be brushed off.

“Why are they in such a big box?” he presses.

“Because there’s a lot.”

“Can I?” Shoma points to it.

“Yeah, sure.”

Shoma crouches next to the box, opens it and then just stays like that, the lid of the box in his hands.

“How many are there?” he asks.

Yuzuru sets his laptop on the bed beside him and joins Shoma on the floor, “There should be a list on the right side of the box, I think there are 21 pairs.”

Yuzuru likes to keep his earphones organized. He knows which are which, knows the sound of every pair, but it’s still good to have it written somewhere too.

“I have more at home and some in the institute,” he adds when Shoma still hasn’t said anything.

“I don’t… I don’t want to be rude but… Why do you have so many?” Shoma says, silently asking for a permission to touch.

Yuzuru nods. “You can look through them. Here,” he dives in and takes a few smaller boxes out, “I think you could try these out, the ones in the box over there are actually custom-made, so I don’t think they would fit your ears, but these three pairs of headphones are my favourite.”

He piles three boxes into Shoma’s arms, “Let’s go. You need to hear how different they sound.”

Yuzuru jumps onto the bed in excitement and pats the spot next to him. He opens his laptop again, but then looks at Shoma. “You can use them on your phone if you want to.”

Shoma slowly sets the boxes down on the bed and climbs next to Yuzuru. “It died.”

“Oh, you should’ve said. Do you want a charger?” Yuzuru asks, already rummaging in his nightstand drawers to find it.

“No, it’s okay.” Shoma inspects one of the boxes and then opens it. He takes the headphones out and looks at them before putting them down into his lap.

“Oh,” Yuzuru suddenly exclaims, “You wanted to know why I have so many.” He shuffles closer to Shoma and grabs the empty box. “See, they are all different. These ones are very good when you want to listen to rock music which I love, because they highlight the bass quite nicely. These ones,” he grabs another box and quickly takes out a different pair of headphones, “are good for noise cancellation. I mean, most of them are noise cancelling but, wait…”

He hovers with the headphones over Shoma’s head and when Shoma nods, he puts them on. They’re not connected to anything, so no music is playing.

“Can you hear me?” Yuzuru says a bit louder than he normally would.

“WHAT???” Shoma yells. “Oh.” He takes the headphones off.

Yuzuru starts grinning, “Yeah, they’re pretty good. I stepped on them once on accident and broke them a bit. My mum wanted me to buy a new pair, she even offered buying one herself, but I love these so much, I just put super glue on them and they’re still working.”

“What about those?” Shoma points to the last box.

“Those are very good for separating individual instruments. I like to listen to songs with those when I’ve heard them thousands of times. When you listen with those headphones, it’s like a new experience because suddenly you can hear things you couldn’t when you were listening with other ones. Some effects are more pronounced, or you can just focus on a single instrument and listen to how it’s used throughout the song. It’s incredible.”

Shoma is holding one of the pairs and looking at it from different sides. Yuzuru doesn’t know if he’s doing it because he really wants to know more or just because Yuzuru started talking about it and he doesn’t know how to stop him.

“You can put them back if you want to. You don’t need to listen to me babbling about earphones all afternoon. I know it can be a lot,” Yuzuru says.

There aren’t many people who share this obsession with him. To be honest, there aren’t any. His friends and family know about it, they’ve gifted him most of his earphones and headphones, but usually tune out as soon as Yuzuru starts talking about a new pair he just saw and would like to have, or a pair he just got. They are happy that they could make him smile and give him something he appreciates but that’s it. Yuzuru doesn’t blame them. It’s a weird obsession anyway.

He doesn’t know if he’s more obsessed with the earphones or the feelings he gets when he listens to music. Yuzuru likes the feeling of being left alone with only music in his ears and body, pulsing through. He knows that the enjoyment of the music is his and only his. When he feels his heart beat louder, the hairs on his arms and the back of his neck stand up, it’s because of the music not someone else. Everything he feels in those moments only belongs to him. The earphones mute all the noise, and he can mute everything else. At least until the song ends.

When Shoma doesn’t say anything and only turns the headphones in his hands once more, Yuzuru sighs, “You came here to get rid of Nathan’s obsession with Mai, and now I sound even worse. Sorry.”

Shoma looks up, “I came here to spend time with you. I don’t mind when you talk about what you love. It’s nice. It’s different.” He gives the headphones to Yuzuru, “Could I listen to some music with these?”

Yuzuru connects them to the computer and opens YouTube. “Just find whatever song you want to. You can listen to it with different headphones on and tell me if you can hear the difference.”

Shoma finds a song from some anime to listen to. When he’s done listening to it with the third pair, he goes back to the first one and listens to it again. He doesn’t say anything. Yuzuru tries to gauge his reaction but it’s in vain. The all-black headphones are lying on the bed as Shoma takes the black ones with the red lining and cord and plugs them in. Still no word. 

After the song ends, he hums and Yuzuru perks up.

“Could I try some more?” Shoma just asks.

“Yes, of course. Try as many as you’d like.”

Yuzuru doesn’t even need him to talk. He’s content with just watching him listening to music with Yuzuru’s headphones. It’s probably silly, but they are a big part of Yuzuru and seeing someone take genuine interest in them means a lot to him. It means even more because it’s Shoma who’s caring. Shoma who doesn’t care on a whim. Shoma who decides what he’s going to care about beforehand.

He’s holding the golden box now. Yuzuru was sure he’d left it at home but apparently, it’s been at the bottom, hidden from him and everyone else who just peaked into the bigger box.

Shoma must realise that the golden headphones are special because he sets them aside. Yuzuru doesn’t know what takes a hold of him, because he doesn’t let people use those headphones, he rarely uses them himself, but he can hear himself telling Shoma that he can use those if he wants to. He doesn’t tell him that they were a gift from his mum to his 20th birthday and still are the best gift he’s ever gotten.

Shoma decides to use only them in the end.

“They are so beautiful,” he says. He looks at the sides, probably looking for a brand. “Are those your initials?”

“Yeah,” Yuzuru says.

Shoma handles the headphones with so much care. Holding them in his gentle hands, strong enough not to drop them but still lightly as if they were some sort of treasure.

Yuzuru tells him so and Shoma just shrugs.

“They are obviously precious to you.”

And there’s that feeling again. The feeling that comes to Yuzuru so easily now. It doesn’t ever go away, not really, it just hides inside of him, dozing and waiting for the right moment, for Shoma to say or do something, to become present again.

“These are my favourite,” Shoma says when he’s listened to the song with them.

“They’re my favourite, too,” Yuzuru admits.

Shoma puts them back on and closes his eyes. Yuzuru can almost hear the music just from looking at him. It starts as an instrumental, Yuzuru guesses, there’s some guitar maybe, judging by the soft tapping of Shoma’s fingers against his thigh, too quick to be the piano, too light to be the drums. He starts bopping his head soon after, his toes moving to the beat as well. He’s mouthing the words but Yuzuru doesn’t know what they are.

Yuzuru’s always thought of listening to music as something vulnerable. It’s not just because music can make him joyous or that it can make him cry. It’s also about how disconnected from the outside world it makes him. It’s almost as if that world stops existing, and he can go into his own private one. Shoma’s in his private world just now, appreciating the music with his eyes closed, knowing that Yuzuru is looking at him. And Yuzuru can’t wait any longer.

He realises the music’s ended when Shoma’s tapping ceases. Yuzuru gently takes the headphones off his ears. Shoma opens his big dark eyes and looks at him.

“Shoma,” Yuzuru murmurs. “I need to tell you something.”

Yuzuru’s hands are still on the headphones that are currently around Shoma’s neck. The headphones are shaking because Yuzuru’s hands are. Shoma notices Yuzuru’s discomfort and wraps his own hands around Yuzuru’s, slowly pulling them down until he can easily hold them in his lap.

Yuzuru can feel the lump in his throat getting bigger and bigger but if he doesn’t say it now, he never will.

“I like you,” he gets out, voice trembling. “More than a friend.”

Saying it out loud should make him feel better but it’s only made him more nervous. Yuzuru wishes he could just get up and leave. Run away as far as he can. Maybe come back after a month or two when everyone’s gone home, and he doesn’t feel like this anymore. But Shoma’s squeezing his hands, making it impossible for him to move, let alone leave.

“I know,” Shoma whispers.

Those two words make Yuzuru look up. Shoma is biting his bottom lip, it looks like he’s not sure he should’ve said what he just did. His thumbs are drawing circles on the back of Yuzuru’s hands in comfort. It’s not working.

“Did someone tell you?” Yuzuru asks.

Shoma shakes his head. “No, I’ve figured on my own. I wasn’t sure at first, but the more time I’ve spent with you…”

He doesn’t finish the rest of the sentence. “Do you mind?” he asks instead.

“Do you?”

“Mind what?”

Yuzuru swallows hard, “That I like you?”

“I… I don’t know.” Shoma’s being honest. Yuzuru appreciates that. “No, I don’t think so. I don’t think I would be spending so much time with you if it bothered me.”

That calms Yuzuru a bit. He can feel how sweaty his hands are in Shoma’s grasp but at least they’re not trembling anymore.

“I don’t want anything to change,” he tells Shoma. “I like being your friend and I don’t want you to feel like I am forcing you into anything, or like I’m making you do things you don’t want to do.”

“You’re not,” Shoma reassures him.

“Okay.”

“Why did you decide to tell me now?”

“I just didn’t want to feel like I am lying to you anymore. You deserve to know.”

“Thank you.”

***

Yuzuru can’t sleep that night. He thinks about everything that happened that day and realises that he doesn’t even know what he wants. He has the most wonderful boy in the world lying in the bed next to him, and yet he feels as if the bed was emptier than ever before. He thought telling Shoma would either lift the weight off his shoulders or crush him to the ground. Instead he’s where he was before. Unsure of everything.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone. The Olympics are here and I thought I might update, so you have something to read in-between watching the events. Thank you all for reading, leaving your lovely comments and kudos.  
> DISCLAIMER: This chapter includes some potentially triggering content, please read end-notes for trigger warnings.

The air is stuffy. Rays of sun are hitting the vials and the liquid in them is reflected onto the walls, the desk they’re set on and sometimes Yuzuru’s eyes when he looks directly at them. He doesn’t really know what’s in the liquid. The contents of every vial seem to be the same translucent colour that changes into hues of yellow and green when the sun touches it.

“Could you hand me another one?” Javi says from behind the desk. He doesn’t look up from his microscope, only stretches out his hand and Yuzuru puts one of the vials in it.

He’s never been too interested in the laboratory work although he used to spend hours in the laboratories at the institute with Javi. Both Javi and Brian would even try to persuade him to work on some of the experiments or tests that they usually did in there. But Yuzuru never saw the beauty of it. He took it as a chance to spend some time with his friend to talk about whatever came to mind. That, of course, didn’t lead to any scientific results, but it helped Yuzuru to realise that what he really wants to focus on is the practical side of things.

He read hundreds of books that talked about special abilities that had appeared in the past. He’d assist Tracy with some of the new people that would show up at the institute in desperate need of help. He’d work on perfecting his own abilities, helping Javi with his, and sometimes comforting those who needed it even when they couldn’t admit it themselves. He didn’t like to think of his work as less important. It was just a way of supporting people until more effective help would be discovered.

Which still seems to be far away.

“Damnit.”

It’s more of a whisper than anything else, but it could’ve been a yell with how much frustration has filled the room.

Yuzuru hears the scratching against the desk as Javi pushes the microscope away, and then the soft thump when Javi’s forehead hits the desk a few seconds later.

“Nothing?” Yuzuru asks hesitantly. He doesn’t even know what Javi was looking for.

“No,” Javi sighs. His hand has turned into a fist on the desk, his knuckles are white. “We were so close, Yuzu, so close.”

Yuzuru doesn’t know what to do. It’s times like these when he wishes he was the one with Javi’s power and he could just pat him on the back or take his hand, and Javi would feel okay again. In the end he ends up doing just that.

He takes the few steps that separate him and Javi and puts his hand on his back, and then rubs it soothingly rather than pats it, and hopes that Javi will be comforted enough by it.

“I’m sorry,” Yuzuru says.

“You have nothing to apologize for. It’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. We’re just shooting darts into the dark, not even knowing if there’s a target somewhere.”

“I’m… I’m sorry you have to feel like this.”

Javi finally lifts his head, his eyes are glassy, “I just want to help.”

“I know you do. We all do.”

Javi forces out a smile, “I just wish I didn’t care so much because at least failing wouldn’t hurt then.”

Yuzuru lets his hand fall. “It’s good that you’re invested. You wouldn’t get as far as you are now if you weren’t.”

“I’m not anywhere though, Yuzuru. I’m just… I’m just tired.”

Yuzuru looks around the room, trying to come up with something to cheer Javi up. The desk on the right side of the room is filled with small stands with different vials, there are some boxes next to them and various pieces of glass that got scattered all over it when Javi thought he finally found what he was looking for and needed to check.

“I could help you clean this up if you want to?” Yuzuru suggests, knowing that looking at all of it alone will be more painful and only remind Javi of his failure.

Javi smiles at him, this time it’s genuine, “It’s fine. You offered to help me with the research, that doesn’t include you mopping up this place.”

Yuzuru doesn’t wait for Javi’s permission and starts putting the stands with vials back onto the cart, so they can push them into the backroom later.

When Javi sees that Yuzuru’s started with his cleaning already, he too gets up and starts moving bits of his equipment back into the boxes he took it out of.

“You really don’t have to do this, you know?” Javi says over his shoulder after he’s filled one box and moved onto the next one, “Don’t you want to get ready for tonight instead?”

Yuzuru looks at him, “What do you mean get ready? It’s just a bonfire. We’re all going to smell of smoke anyway.”

Javi chuckles, “I know that, but I thought maybe you’d want to charm Shoma a bit. You are going together, aren’t you?”

Yuzuru looks at one of the vials that has ‘S. U.’ written on it. They stopped before they could check this one. “No, we’re not.” He puts it back on the stand to the rest of them and looks at Javi. “Why would I want to charm him anyway? We’re friends.”

Javi stops where he’s kneeling close to one of the boxes and looks up, hints of confusion can be read from his face, “I thought you told him and it went well.”

“It did,” Yuzuru says, his voice sounding a bit high-pitched to his own ears.

“Then why are you still just friends?” Javi presses.

Yuzuru sighs, “Because I don’t want to pressure him into a relationship that he doesn’t want, so I told him that it’s okay for me if we just stay friends.”

Javi stands up and goes to help Yuzuru with some of the vials. Yuzuru is almost finished with them and doesn’t need any help from him, so he doesn’t know why he doesn’t focus on his part of the room which is still a mess.

“What if he does want it?”

Javi doesn’t seem to want to let it go.

“I thought these types of conversations would end once I tell him, but you’re obviously way too invested in my life, aren’t you?” Yuzuru snaps. He needs to set one of the vials down because there’s a high chance he might break it in his hand.

Javi stays silent. He crosses his arms on his chest and just waits. He could just reach out with his arm and calm Yuzuru down. Yuzuru would probably let him. It’s not like he really cares now anyway. But he waits until Yuzuru calms down himself.

Yuzuru turns, so he can face Javi properly, “I’m sorry, but what do you want me to say?”

“I want you to answer my question, Yuzu. I’m not fighting with you. I’m only trying to understand,” Javi says honestly.

Yuzuru shrugs, “If he wants to be with me, he can tell me. I’m not stopping him.”

“No, you just told him that you like him but want to remain friends which probably only resulted in one big jumble in his head, and now he doesn’t know what you want.”

Yuzuru looks at the small stand with the vials on the desk. Not one of them has been checked and they might store them for more research later. Who knows what kind of test it might be. Who knows when it will take place.

Javi’s voice is softer now, “Yuzu, do you know what you want?”

Yuzuru doesn’t look up from the stand. He shakes his head.

He doesn’t like that Javi knows him so well. That he can tell everything from just a single look. He should be used to it. They were partners for so many years and they needed to learn things about each other and understand these things too. They didn’t keep secrets and always talked about everything. 

But ever since Shoma showed up, Yuzuru’s drawn back into himself and hasn’t talked to Javi about anything. And having Javi bring up all the things he desperately doesn’t want to think about because he didn’t need to think about them ever before, makes him lash out. Only Yuzuru should be lashing out at himself and not on Javi. Because Javi just asks the questions Yuzuru doesn’t have the answers to.

“When you told him, you want to stay friends, was it because you really don’t want to force him or was it something else?” Javi is cautious now, he almost resembles Tracy when she’s trying to coax important information out of Yuzuru.

“I don’t know,” Yuzuru confesses.

“Yuzu, I- “

“I’m scared, Javi.”

It slips out without Yuzuru meaning to say it, but he doesn’t regret it.

Instead, he continues, “I’m scared because I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m afraid that I might mess up and tell him something or do something, and he’ll be gone. I’m scared that I’m going to end up being hurt and I’m even more scared that I end up hurting him. Even though he won’t ever feel it.” He takes in a shaky breath. “And that part scares me the most. He won’t ever feel this. His breath won’t get stuck in his throat when he sees me. His cheeks won’t get red when I say something that would make other people blush. He won’t ever stutter out of nervousness when he tries to compliment me. His hands won’t get clammy when they’re holding onto mine.” Yuzuru scoffs and then adds in a whisper, “It’s not like they do now.”

Javier doesn’t say anything. Maybe he’s waiting for Yuzuru to keep talking, maybe he doesn’t know what to say.

When it’s obvious that Yuzuru’s done with his monologue, Javi draws in a breath, “Do you need these things?”

Yuzuru looks up, “What?”

“Do you need Shoma to have clammy hands? Do you need him to blush or stutter? Are these things that important to you?”

Yuzuru shakes his head quickly. It’s not like he needs to think about this too hard.

“You know, just because he won’t blush doesn’t mean he won’t appreciate what you’re telling him. Just because he won’t stutter doesn’t mean that he won’t like the way you look and won’t try to tell you. Just because his hands don’t get clammy doesn’t mean that he won’t want to hold yours. Damnit, Yuzuru, be happy that they’re not clammy, that stuff can get embarrassing.”

Yuzuru bites his lip as he tries to hide his smile.

“Remember when we talked after the movie night?” Javi asks.

Yuzuru nods.

“Remember how you told me why you like Shoma?”

Yuzuru frowns, “I don’t think I remember what I said exactly.”

“You told me that you like him because you can be yourself with him. Because you don’t have to wonder what emotions are yours and what are his because he doesn’t have any.” Javi huffs. “You’ve finally met a person whose emotions don’t mess with your head and you can clearly see what you want, and yet you start finding reasons and excuses about why you cannot be with them only because you’re scared that you might mess up.”

“But- “

“No, Yuzu, listen to me. You can’t just chicken out of every relationship because you’re scared that you or the other person might get hurt. That’s not how it works. You pursue that relationship and maybe it works out, maybe it doesn’t. You might get hurt. That’s life, stuff like that happens sometimes. You learn from it and you move on. I know it’s scary because it’s the first time you feel like this but there’s a first time for everything.”

At one point during their conversation, they stopped cleaning the desk and Yuzuru and Javi are now standing with their backs turned to it, leaning against it and looking at the opposite wall. The room’s colour has turned from white to grey as the sun’s hidden behind a heavy cloud or two. Yuzuru hopes it doesn’t rain otherwise the bonfire will be ruined.

He looks from the wall to the side of Javi’s face. “This situation is different though. You know it’s different.”

Javi turns his head, so they’re looking face to face. “Why? Because there might not be someone like him ever again?”

Yuzuru shrugs.

Javi just stares at him and then shakes his head, “Are you even listening to yourself, Yuzuru? You don’t want to be with him because you’re scared of the fact that he can’t feel but at the same time the reason you were able to develop any feelings towards him is because he can’t feel, and you know he’s probably the only person like this to exist.”

Yuzuru swallows. Javi’s right and Javi’s saying what Yuzuru’s been telling himself every night before going to bed, every time he would look at Shoma or open his bedroom door to reveal Shoma standing behind it.

“If he’s the only one, it only makes more sense for me to be cautious though,” Yuzuru still tries to justify his actions.

“You’re not being cautious, Yuzuru, you’re being stupid.”

Yuzuru is taken aback by that. It’s not like they don’t call each other names sometimes in a friendly and teasing way but Javier is obviously frustrated with him now and the way he said it stung a bit.

“You take one step forward and then start panicking and taking two steps back. And Shoma?” Javi laughs humourlessly, “He’s as stupid as you are because all he does is just nod, and then he lets you do your thing instead of telling you how he sees it.”

“You shouldn’t call him stupid,” Yuzuru says under his breath.

“Yeah, you’re right. He shouldn’t need to tell you anything because you should know yourself. Even Mao sees it and she’s blind.”

Yuzuru ignores the comment about Mao and his own objection about how she can see when Kanako’s with her.

“What do you mean?” he asks instead.

Javi is really exasperated now, Yuzuru can tell by the way his eyes keep drifting all over the room and his left leg hasn’t stopped bouncing for the past two minutes.

“He wants to be with you, Yuzu. Do you even pay attention to anything he does? Do you want me to start taking pictures, so you have some evidence?”

Yuzuru shakes his head, “No, no. You’re confusing things. He’s my partner. Of course, he’s going to do things to make me feel better and it never leads to anything anyway.”

“And you’re surprised? You literally told him that you like him and then decided to be just friends two seconds later. No wonder that he keeps withdrawing when he doesn’t know what you want.”

Yuzuru bites the inside of his lip and uncrosses his legs, “You think?”

Javi scoffs again. It feels like he’s been scoffing every few minutes. “Do I think? You know what I think? I think you’re incredibly lucky that Shoma hasn’t given up on you yet because I sure as hell would by now. You have someone who wants to be with out of their own volition because at some point they actually started thinking about this and decided that it would be worth pursuing, not because some raging hormones are screaming at them that you’re hot or whatever these things scream, I don’t know nor care.

“Anyway, you have this very special person who’s decided they want to be with you without any irrational thoughts telling them so, and you what… You don’t want to be with them because they don’t have clammy hands.”

Yuzuru chuckles lightly, “It does sound a bit stupid when you say it like this.”

“Yeah, because it is.”

Javi stands up straight and raises his arms above his head to stretch a little. He crosses the room and starts cleaning the desk again.

“Look,” he says after a few minutes have passed, “I’m not saying I’m some love guru or anything, but I think Shoma has noticed how much you care about him by now and you trying to shield him from whatever the two of you could have won’t do you any good. To either of you.”

Yuzuru stops the cart he’s been rolling and turns, “Thanks, Javi.”

***

When they arrive back to the camp, the sun is just setting. Thankfully, the clouds disappeared as quickly as they had come, and it is still warm enough without putting on a jacket. Yuzuru still takes one from his closet just in case. The fire might help later but who knows how long they’ll stay out and he doesn’t want to go back to his room across the whole camp shivering because he’s cold.

He hasn’t had much time to prepare himself since he and Javi had gotten to the camp not even an hour before the bonfire was about to start. His hair is still damp from the shower and he shakes his head to get the drops of water out of it and let the evening breeze dry as much of it as it can.

He’s quite proud of himself for not being that late because he’s usually one of the last people to show up at these kinds of gatherings. However, showing up super late tonight would mean missing out on Ashley’s marshmellows. He doesn’t know where she buys them or if she makes them herself but she’s definitely not telling him. So, the only way of getting them is coming early and taking as much as he can.

Yuzuru notices two laughing figures approaching him that turn out to be Maia and Alex.

“Hi,” Maia greets him with her ever-present smile.

“Hi, you two.”

“Hey,” Alex says in return, “How have you been? How did everything at the institute go?”

They all resume walking towards the yellow and orange flickering lights in the distance.

“Not well,” Yuzuru sighs. “Have you talked to Javi?”

When the siblings shake their heads, he continues, “He was inspecting that stuff they’d got during our tests. I think it had something to do with the project he’s working on with Miki. He tried to explain it to me, but you know how I am with these things.”

Maia chuckles and Alex just nods his head.

“Well, he thought it was going well and only needed to check the last few samples, so I offered to help him and…” He scratches his head. “I don’t think the research will lead to anything and that they will need to start from scratch.”

“Really?” Maia says, “I should probably go talk to him about it later. I had some ideas when he first told me about it. Maybe everything’s not lost yet.”

Yuzuru smiles. This is exactly what Javi needs. Someone with a positive outlook. Someone who has many ideas and actually understands what Javi has been working on and knows how to get him into the right mindset, so he’s excited about his research again and willing to continue working on it.

That’s what Yuzuru was planning on doing during their clean-up earlier but somehow, they ended up talking about his problems again. He really should do something about that because he doesn’t want all his conversations to revolve around him being unable to handle his life.

When they get to the bonfire, most of the logs are taken and there are more people than Yuzuru expected. Not everyone will come because some people have other responsibilities, others just don’t like these types of things which Yuzuru understands. Usually, the social core of the camp, which somehow includes him, turns up, and most of the first-year participants join in because everything is still exciting and new when it’s your first year at the camp.

Yuzuru remembers it himself. He’s never been one to enjoy events with loads of people. It’s not that he hates it but if he can choose between staying in his room, listening to his music, and going to a party and listening to something that is definitely not his music, he will always pick the first option. He would’ve done the same those five years ago if it hadn’t been for Javi.

Javi is a very outgoing, enthusiastic kind of person, so after he met Yuzuru, he made it his mission to show him around. Tell him where everything was, introduce him to everyone, say what food in the dining hall is good and what meal he would never eat. This included dragging Yuzuru to all these events that Yuzuru really liked visiting at first, but often realised most of them weren’t for him later. Thankfully, Javi realised it soon after him too.

“Hey, everyone,” Yuzuru says to the crowd that is mostly made of faces that he’s only come to know this year.

When the chorus of greetings subsides, Nathan raises his hand, waving with it, “Yuzu, we’re saving you a spot!”

Yuzuru smiles to himself. Apparently, there is still a place for him at the end of one of the logs.

“Thanks,” he says to Nathan, who is sitting on the end of another log right next to Yuzuru.

All the logs are placed in a circle around the fire, so everyone’s sitting in the same distance of it and can see everybody else. Except for the person who is sitting right opposite them because their face is usually obscured by the flickering flames and rising smoke.

The logs aren’t that big and there isn’t much space to begin with. Yuzuru had to apologise to some people on the way to his spot because he kept bumping into their backs and heads. He feels confined from the moment he sits down. His right side, the side that is closer to Nathan, is fine, but he can feel Shoma’s leg pressing into his on his left.

“Hi,” Shoma says and nudges Yuzuru’s leg with his own again.

Yuzuru thinks about it for a moment but then nudges him back. When Shoma retaliates, he smiles.

“Hi.”

Suddenly, there’s a small paper tray full of meat shoved in his face.

“Do you want some?” Shoma asks.

Yuzuru blinks a few times, trying to focus on every piece of meat that he can see. The tray is too small to hold it all, so Shoma’s put some pieces on top of each other and is holding them with his fingers to prevent his creation from toppling over and tumbling down. His fingers are greasy. His lips are greasy too.

“That’s a lot of meat. Where did you get all this?” Yuzuru says, picking up the smallest piece he can find and tasting it. It’s surprisingly good.

“Adam’s brought a grill,” Shoma replies, taking a bite of something that looks like a beef steak. “Do you want more?”

“No, I’m good. Thanks.”

“I’ll have some,” Boyang says on Shoma’s other side.

“I don’t think so,” Shoma retorts with his mouth full, “There’s not enough already.”

“Dude, you have like three steaks on that thing, and I’m not counting those ribs and those small pieces of chicken,” Nathan chuckles, “How do you even want to finish it today? I’m full from just looking at it.”

“If Boyang wants some, he can go and tell Adam. I’m sure he’ll give him some meat.”

Shoma bends down to take another bite. Boyang exchanges looks with Yuzuru over his back but the only thing Yuzuru can do is just lift his shoulders.

In the end, Shoma does eat it all. He offers small bites of chicken to Yuzuru every now and then, and Yuzuru eats some of it. Boyang eventually comes back with his own tray because whenever he tried to steal a piece, Shoma slapped his hand away.

At some point, Nathan takes out his guitar and starts strumming it softly, humming gentle melodies while staring into the flames, or at Mai. It’s all very lovely until Adam asks Nathan if he could play the chords of Diamonds and starts belting out the lyrics that can be surely heard on the other side of the camp.

Ashley starts handing out her marshmallows, that she miraculously salvaged from everyone, soon after. There aren’t enough sticks for everybody, so Yuzuru and Shoma decide to share.

Nathan, who has abandoned his guitar in favour of Mai’s hand on their own stick, keeps looking their way, obviously contemplating how to ask whatever’s been troubling his mind.

He awkwardly clears his throat, “I was playing that new video game with Boyang yesterday.” He looks at Yuzuru and Shoma when they lift their heads but directs the next sentence at the fire, “Why weren’t you with us?”

Yuzuru’s eyes meet Javi’s who quickly exchanges looks with Kanako.

“Yeah,” Boyang joins in, “You didn’t spend the night before that in our room either. If you were someone different, I’d think you don’t like us or something.”

Shoma’s eyes start flicking from one to the other, “I…”

“He was with us,” Mao says firmly.

Yuzuru frowns but Kana just reassuringly blinks at him, and he lets them do whatever it is they’re doing.

“We spent the two nights watching movies and it was too late for Shoma to go back to his room, so we thought it’d be better for him to stay in our building since it’s closer to the viewing room,” Kanako finishes.

Nathan narrows his eyes at them, “Huh, what did you watch?”

“Some horror movies. The Sixth Sense, stuff like that,” Kana says matter-of-factly.

“The Sixth Sense?” Boyang asks.

“Yeah, we wanted to watch something that would fit the theme of the camp,” Mao smiles at him. “You can both join us next time if you want to.”

“We’ll be watching Eight Legged Freaks,” Kanako adds.

“What is that?” Nathan asks, apparent disgust present on his face.

“Isn’t that the movie with those huge spiders?” Boyang exclaims excitedly.

When Mao and Kanako nod, Nathan recoils and then smiles awkwardly, “I think we’ll pass.”

“Why?” Boyang sulks. “Spiders are amazing.”

“Nathan is scared of them,” Mai whispers, putting her head on Nathan’s shoulder to soften the blow.

Nathan almost drops their stick into the fire. “Why would you tell them?”

Mai just shrugs, “I think it’s cute.”

Everyone laughs but there isn’t any malice behind it and whatever suspicions Nathan and Boyang had are gone.

Yuzuru meets eyes with Kanako and mouths his ‘thank you’ at her, she winks back and adds a hushed ‘no problem’ for good measure.

He can feel Shoma’s leg get closer to his again, and he closes the gap, so they can be pressed together. He looks at the marshmallows on their stick and lowers them onto the paper tray he has in his lap.

There’s not enough of them. There never is. Yuzuru waits until they have cooled down enough and then offers them to Shoma. They take one each and Yuzuru chuckles when he hears Shoma’s satisfied sigh.

Yuzuru nudges him in the side, “Are these sweet enough for you?”

Shoma nods, licking his sticky fingers, already taking another marshmallow from the tray. Yuzuru doesn’t care if he eats them all, he would give him all the marshmallows in the world if it was up to him.

“Hey, hey,” Ashley shouts when everyone’s finished eating and the fire is starting to die. She starts clapping with her hands until she’s got everyone’s attention. “It’s almost ten and you know what that means.”

Yuzuru can hear himself and others groan in annoyance. Maybe one year they will stop bothering them with these games, maybe one year.

“What does it mean?” Shoma asks, biting his bottom lip and trying to get bits of marshmallow off it.

Yuzuru sighs, “Every year after the bonfire, we play hide and seek where everyone hides, and Ashley with Adam look for us. It started when we were younger and Rafael, I think I mentioned him to you before, right? Well, he thought that this kind of game would be good for them to enhance their abilities. Now, we mostly do it as a tradition and it usually ends after five minutes or so, because they find everyone quickly.”

“It’s because you can’t hide properly, Yuzuru,” Ashley says as if Yuzuru was having the conversation with her.

“Hey, stop eavesdropping!” Yuzuru protests.

“Come on, everybody, it’s almost ten!” Adam starts shouting over everybody else.

Yuzuru gets up reluctantly and Shoma follows him.

“What happens at ten?” he asks.

“Basically, you run and hide. Then you just wait until they find you. Pretty basic.”

“What if they don’t find me?”

Yuzuru laughs, “That won’t happen. Don’t worry.”

“Okay,” Adam says, “We are about to cover our eyes…”

Ashley clears her throat.

“… and ears. You will have time until we count to twenty. Good luck.”

Adam covers his eyes with his hands, Ashley just closes hers and uses her hands to cover her ears.

“One,” Adam starts counting and that’s the cue for everyone to take off and scatter across the camp.

Yuzuru starts running towards the small grove nearby. He knows that he doesn’t have enough time to run much further and he might find a hiding place in the thicket there.

“Yuzu,” he hears Shoma’s breathy voice behind him.

Yuzuru turns around. Adam just yelled the number fifteen.

Yuzuru doesn’t have much time to think about this.

He runs back to Shoma, “Give me your hand.”

Yuzuru grabs Shoma’s hand and they both run into the grove. It mainly consists of conifers and some small shrubs. The branches are thick enough though and Yuzuru has to wade through them with Shoma in tow.

Yuzuru clears the path as he goes. The grove is way more impassable than Yuzuru thought.

He winces when a twig hits him in the face. “Come here,” he tells Shoma and grabs him around the waist. “Do you see that bush over there?” Yuzuru points to it. “There should be enough space for you to hide in it. I’ll go and find a hiding place for myself.”

Shoma heads towards the bush and Yuzuru starts looking around, thinking about where he could hide. He thinks about climbing up and hiding in the treetops, the branches are all around and climbing up shouldn’t be that hard. He’s sure Ashley and Adam have already started looking for everyone.

“Yuzuru, come here,” Shoma whispers from the bush and Yuzuru barely hears it, “You’ll fit in here.”

Yuzuru can hear approaching steps, so he quickly squeezes himself into the open space of the bush. Shoma was right, he does fit in, but there’s no space left after he does so.

More twigs crunch under someone’s feet. This time louder than the last. They’re getting closer. Yuzuru puts a finger to his lips, signalling for Shoma to stay quiet. It seems the person is circling the bush they’re hiding in. Yuzuru hopes it’s Adam because that would mean they won’t be found unless he clears the branches. Ashley would’ve heard them by now.

The steps cease and then withdraw.

Yuzuru lets out the breath he’s been holding and Shoma does the same.

“That was close,” Shoma whispers. “What now?”

Yuzuru shrugs his shoulders, “I don’t know. I think they might come back later. Let’s stay here for a while.”

Shoma nods. He fits into the alcove just right. He’s small enough that when he sits down, the branches envelop him but don’t touch him. With Yuzuru there, Shoma needed to shuffle closer to the side, so they can both squeeze in. Yuzuru has to be more careful than Shoma and keep his head bent down to prevent it from hitting something.

They sit there for quite some time. Yuzuru doesn’t know how much of it has passed but neither he nor Shoma dare to move or speak in case someone’s still near. Yuzuru doesn’t know how much longer they’ll have to stay here but it’s gotten quite cold. The grove is shielding them from most of the chilly wind that’s started blowing outside but Yuzuru can still feel it. And Shoma obviously feels it too judging by the way he’s shivering.

“Hey,” Yuzuru unwraps his jacket from his waist and gives it to Shoma. “Put this on.”

Shoma shakes his head, “No, you must be cold yourself. I can’t wear this.”

Yuzuru forces it into his hand. “I am fine. Really.”

Shoma puts the jacket on, sticking his arms out as much as his surroundings allow him and pulling the sleeves over them.

“Thank you.”

Yuzuru smiles, “No problem.”

He breaches the small distance that is between them and puts his hand into one of the pockets. Shoma looks at him questioningly.

Yuzuru pulls out a small plastic bag.

“I also have these.” He reaches into the bag and pulls out two marshmallows. Well, they used to be two but after being heated up, cooled down again and then shoved into a plastic bag that got shoved into the pocket of Yuzuru’s jacket, they ended up being stuck together. And they stick to everything that touches them.

Yuzuru tears away bits of plastic that are still on them, but the marshmallows are sticky enough to hang onto his fingers.

He grimaces at the stickiness, “Um, do you want it?”

Shoma nods like Yuzuru thought he would and opens his mouth. Yuzuru puts the two-one marshmallow into it but he can’t unstick it from his fingers.

“I think you’re going to have to bite it,” he tells Shoma.

Shoma does as he’s told, and the marshmallows disappear in his mouth. Yuzuru eats the remnants off his fingers himself.

“Is this going to become a thing?” Shoma asks with his mouth full.

“What?”

“You feeding me things.”

Yuzuru chuckles, index finger in his mouth. “Do you want it to become a thing?”

“I wouldn’t mind,” Shoma answers seriously.

Yuzuru looks up. Shoma’s finished chewing and is gazing at him intently. Yuzuru reaches over and tucks a few strands of hair behind Shoma’s ear, keeping his hand on the back of his neck.

“I wouldn’t mind either,” he whispers.

They are huddling together in the small space and Shoma moves even closer. Yuzuru can feel his breath on his face.

Shoma lets his eyes slide shut.

Yuzuru moves his hand from Shoma’s neck to his cheek and presses his palm against it. He strokes it with his thumb.

“I think… I think we should head back,” he says.

Shoma opens his eyes and blinks a few times. “Have I done something wrong?”

“No, no,” Yuzuru quickly shakes his head. “You’ve done nothing wrong. You never do.”

“Okay,” Shoma says and crawls out of the shrub.

Yuzuru sits there for a minute staring into nothingness and then he decides. He gets out of the shrub himself.  

“Shoma, wait,” Yuzuru calls out.

He runs up to Shoma and takes his hand. Shoma lets him hold it.

“I’m not saying never, I just…” He swallows. “I think you don’t know enough about me and I need to tell you.”

“I know enough, Yuzuru. I don’t need more,” Shoma says.

“Maybe you don’t need this, but I do.” Yuzuru looks around. “Look, could we just sit down for a minute?”

Shoma nods and they move to sit under one of the taller trees. It’s more comfortable than the alcove, more spacious. The trunk is wide enough for both of them to lean against. Shoma puts his head on Yuzuru’s shoulder, his hand is still in Yuzuru’s grasp. He doesn’t say anything, just waits for Yuzuru to start.

Yuzuru takes a deep breath.

“This year hasn’t been the best for me. I haven’t been the best. Mainly because of my abilities. I…” He sighs. “You know, last year, this camp ended, and I had my last session with Tracy and we were both so optimistic because finally everything was going well. Everything was going as it always should have.”

Yuzuru smiles at the memory.

“She told me that she thinks everything is fine and that I have my abilities completely under control for the first time, and that she was talking to Brian and they would like to ask me to be one of the supervisors next year. I was so happy they’d offered because it meant everything was going back to normal. You can’t do what I do at this camp without being in control of your powers. You have a group of people to take care of, help them, guide them, and you can’t do that if you can’t take care of yourself first.”

Shoma hums reassuringly and starts stroking the back of Yuzuru’s hand with his thumb, like he’s done so many times before. Like he knows that it helps Yuzuru get all his thoughts together and feel at ease.

“It was a surprise for me when I was helping Brian with one of his projects at the institute back in the spring and he cracked some theory, and then suddenly a wave of enthusiasm ran through my whole body. I… I thought those times were over. I thought it would never happen again, only if I allowed it.” Yuzuru shakes his head. “I chose to ignore it, thinking that it was just a glitch that would eventually go away. But it only got worse and worse and combined with the added stress of my new position here, it started to show.”

“I remember,” Shoma whispers. “You told me before.”

“You’ve helped me get through it. I want you to know that you’re the one thanks to whom I am somewhat okay again.”

Shoma lifts his head and looks Yuzuru in the eyes. It’s incredible how big of an impact that simple act has on him.

“Is this what you wanted to tell me?” Shoma asks. “Because you don’t need to thank me.”

Yuzuru shakes his head. “No. I wanted to tell you that my powers started acting up again in March this year. On the eleventh to be precise.

“I haven’t been living here my whole life. I lived in Japan until I was seventeen. That’s when I met Brian. Me and mum had spent so much time visiting doctors and asking them what was wrong with me, but none of them knew. Until one of them gave me Brian’s number, I called him and when we met, he told me that what I’m going through isn’t trauma, well, at least not only, and that he can help me.”

“Wait,” Shoma says, sitting up straight, “March eleventh, that is…”

“Yeah,” Yuzuru nods and Shoma squeezes his hand harder. “The earthquake.”

Yuzuru tries to smile but his muscles don’t listen to him and he can feel a lump starting to form in his throat.

“I’ve never talked about this with anyone. Brian is the only person who knows but I think you should know too,” he tells Shoma.

“Yuzuru, I don’t want you to talk about something that makes you feel sad. Something that brings back unwanted memories. I don’t need to know.”

“Shoma, I need you to know. Please, let me,” Yuzuru says.

He knows that if he stops now, he will never be able to tell anyone ever again. He can think about it, and he often does. He’s learned to control his emotions, so it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to. Even though all the emotions will never go away. He just knows that he needs to say it while he still feels like this. When the only person he feels comfortable telling is sitting right next to him and is willing to listen.

“Okay,” Shoma whispers. It’s all Yuzuru needs to start talking again.

“I still remember it all. I remember how everything was shaking, moving, falling. I remember being scared. And I remember running. Just running. Not even knowing what place I was running to, just telling myself that I needed to run as fast as I can. As if I could outrun it.”

Shoma’s hold is so tight right now that when Yuzuru looks at their hands, he can see how white they are where they’re pressed together. The feeling of their hands and the sight of them grounds him, so he decides to keep looking at them before continuing.

“I remember the school we were staying at. I remember the creaking floorboards in the hall and that small patch on the ceiling that was a slightly different colour than the rest of it. I still remember the taste of the wakame gohan they gave us. I remember how hard the rice was and I remember how delicious it was.

“But most of all, I remember the people. There were hundreds of them, and they were all scared and worried, Shoma. I remember my parents worrying, especially my mum. She was trying to hide it, but I know she was worried. I didn’t know it at the time, but I do now.

“I know how everyone felt. I remember one woman who was painfully missing someone because I missed them too. I remember two small kids, brother and sister, laughing at a story their mother was telling them to make them feel better. I remember it because my own laughter bubbled up in me. I was sitting there laughing at nothing and I didn’t understand. I remember going through anxiety attacks that I’d never had before or feeling crushing agony when nothing painful was happening to me.”

He’s talking about the disaster so stoically, even he’s surprised. It’s like he’s been preparing himself for this ever since the moment it happened. Talking about it doesn’t hurt. Reminiscing doesn’t hurt. It’s a part of him and he wouldn’t change it now.

“It was the worst during the night,” Yuzuru continues. “Right before falling asleep when everyone just lied awake, thinking. That’s when I felt the most because there wasn’t anything to distract me. There were just hundreds of people and their feelings. All of it in my head.

“Sometimes, I would start crying not knowing what caused it. Or scream. The screams were the hardest. Because I was so scared, I thought I would die even though nothing was happening. I would scream in the night weeks later and that’s when my mum realised something was wrong with me and took me to the first doctor. I remember feeling so bad because there were so many things that needed to be taken care of, but we were running from one doctor to another, trying different pills and therapies and none of them were working. Until I met Brian and, well… now I’m here.”

Single hot teardrop falls onto Yuzuru’s hand that Shoma’s been gripping throughout the entire story. Yuzuru looks at it curiously. He didn’t think he would cry but maybe letting it all out and stripping himself bare for the first time in his life, had a bigger impact on him than he’d expected.

Yuzuru raises the hand Shoma’s not holding towards his face to dry the wet path it must’ve left behind. But when he touches his face, he doesn’t find any.

Yuzuru looks at his dry hand and then back down, the small bead of salty water is still there. It’s still on top of his hand that is now shaking even though the rest of his body isn’t.

Yuzuru looks at Shoma for the first time since he began to talk and that’s when he notices how red his eyes are. How he’s trapped his bottom lip with his teeth and is biting it to stop it from trembling. How there’s another teardrop rolling down his face.

“Shoma,” Yuzuru whispers. “Are you okay?”

It’s like those words jolt something in Shoma. He looks at Yuzuru and Yuzuru feels as if Shoma’s big dark eyes peeked into each little crevice and found out all of his secrets. Shoma’s eyelids are fluttering faster than Yuzuru’s ever seen them flutter before. Almost as quickly as wings of a hummingbird. And then they’re gone. Just like Shoma.

When Yuzuru realises what’s happened, he can only see the back of Shoma’s head disappearing in the dark.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with the Tohoku earthquake and its aftermath.  
> The potentially triggering content starts after:  
>  _“Okay,” Shoma whispers. It’s all Yuzuru needs to start talking again._  
>  and ends before:  
>  _Single hot teardrop falls onto Yuzuru’s hand that Shoma’s been gripping throughout the entire story._


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everybody. Sorry for not updating sooner. I know 2 months is a lot! Some people have told me, others have screamed it at me (multiple times). Better late than never? Right? Okay. THE BIGGEST THANK YOU belongs to theseventhmarch for being the most thorough beta under the sun. I don't deserve her. <3 I want to thank Jody for being my cheerleader, and also a special thank you to Bianka, Hanna and Vera. I'm gonna thank Iman as well cause I'm scared she might do something to me if I don't, so just to be sure. I'm not thanking any more people here but know that I know about you all and I love you all. Enjoy the beginning of the angsty ride and leave comments and kudos if you liked it. I promise to update sooner than in two months. I PROMISE!

_ Think about something nice, something that is entirely different to the situation you are currently in, something that will calm you. _

_ Something nice _ – Shoma’s eyes, big, brown, and full of tears.

No, that doesn’t work.

_ Something that is entirely different to the situation you are currently in _ – Shoma’s hand in his, Shoma’s thumb rubbing soothing circles on the back of it, Shoma’s hand slipping away.

Wrong. Again.

_ Something that will calm you  _ – Shoma, Shoma, Shoma.

Yuzuru takes a deep breath and opens his eyes. The teardrop on his hand dried a long time ago, yet he can still feel it. He presses his thumb to the place it used to be in and swears he can almost feel the salt on the tip of his finger.

It was real. That teardrop was real. Shoma’s teardrop was real.

Yuzuru blinks a few times. It still feels so surreal that Shoma could cry. That Shoma could even feel anything. How come he didn’t notice? Yuzuru was right there, their hands intertwined. Was he so submerged in his own story that he didn’t realise Shoma had started to respond? Had Shoma been responding for longer and Yuzuru just didn’t notice? Was it inevitable that once Shoma had helped Yuzuru, Yuzuru would be unable to help him?

He must be so confused. And scared. Does he even know what’s going on? Yuzuru tries to put himself into Shoma’s shoes but he really doesn’t know what Shoma’s going through right now. When Yuzuru’s powers were triggered, his feelings got deeper, stronger, but he still knew what was going on. He’d felt before. Shoma never felt anything. When Yuzuru triggered Shoma’s powers–

Yuzuru triggered Shoma’s powers.

Yuzuru gets up and bolts. He doesn’t care about the branches hitting his face. He doesn’t care when his shirt gets caught on one of them and he can feel it being torn. He needs to get to Shoma as fast as possible. He needs to know that he’s okay. He needs to make sure that he’s okay. He needs to be the one to make it okay. He’s caused all this, and he let Shoma run away. He should’ve run after him straight away.

Yuzuru stops in the middle of the camp. He’s breathing hard and he tries to look around. There’s nobody. He doesn’t know how much time they’d spent hiding, how much time he spent sitting alone underneath a goddamn tree when he should’ve been with Shoma the whole time. He just knows that it’s dark and Shoma’s nowhere in sight.

He tries to catch his breath and think. Where would Shoma go if he were scared? What’s the first place he’d run to if someone hurt him? Who does Shoma trust?

Yuzuru heads towards one of the buildings with the instructors’ offices. It’s a long shot that anyone’s even inside but he bursts through the front door and just runs.

The hall is empty. It’s dim and quiet. Yuzuru’s rapid breathing and the sound of the soles of his sneakers hitting the ground and echoing against the walls are the only things he can hear. He doesn’t know what door to knock on. He doesn’t even know if this is the right hall. He’s lost.

He reaches the stairs and takes the steps two at a time. The tip of his shoe gets caught on the last step and he falls, barely catching himself with his hands on the ground but still unable to prevent his right knee from hitting it. The initial impact hurts so much that it’s difficult to get back up.

Yuzuru stands up and winces at the pain. He looks to his right but is met with a dark hall once again. He turns his head to the left, already deciding to run back down and try a different building, when he notices a sliver of light coming from the office right at the end of the hall. He rushes to the only light he can see. He’s forgotten about any pain he might feel other than the one that is currently holding his heart in a tight grasp.

He grabs the handle of the door and pushes. It’s locked. He presses the handle down jerkily again and again, but the door won’t open.

Yuzuru leans his head against it and starts pounding with both his palms. It stings but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about anything anymore. Only Shoma.

“MIHOKO!” Yuzuru screams while hitting the door with his palms. “OPEN THE DOOR! I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE! I NEED TO- “

The door disappears from underneath his hand and Yuzuru stumbles into the bright room. There are hands holding his arms, trying to steady him. Yuzuru shakes them off and opens his eyes against the harsh light.

“Where is he? Where is he? Is he okay? I need to see him.”

Yuzuru’s eyes slowly adjust and he can recognize the people standing in front of him. There’s Brian, there’s Javi and then there’s Miki. No Mihoko. No Shoma. He starts searching around the room as if by some miracle that will make Mihoko or Shoma appear.

They don’t appear though.

Yuzuru’s knees buckle and he stumbles again. Brian catches him and says something. Yuzuru is leaning against him and he can feel the words vibrate in his chest. Brian’s words are blurry, and the room is starting to get blurry too, as if it was plunged under water. Yuzuru blinks a few times, trying to clear his vision before he realises that he’s crying.

“Please, please, just…” he tries to say, “let me see him. I need to tell him that I’m sorry. I need to make it right. I need to see him, I just…”

He can’t hold back the sobs anymore and hides his face in Brian’s chest.

“Please, just let me… just let me…”

He can hear Brian say Javi’s name and then there’s another pair of arms holding him. Yuzuru wraps himself around Javi and just lets himself be held.

He knows what’s coming. He knew it would come as soon as he realised Javi was in the room with them. He knew it would come as soon as he realised he can’t see clearly and his ears keep ringing.

Half of him wants to push Javi away and scream at him that he needs to go and find Shoma and make it alright. That half wants to look for Shoma even if it means that he has to spend the night searching through the whole camp. The other half wants Javi to hold him forever, let Yuzuru be calmed down and released from all the worry.

Yuzuru is stuck in the middle.

“Javi, please, don’t do this,” Yuzuru whispers defencelessly. He doesn’t try to fight back. He doesn’t have the strength to. “Just tell me if he’s okay.”

“We’re taking care of him,” Javi replies, his hands gently rubbing Yuzuru’s back.

“Is he okay though? Is he okay?” Yuzuru asks.

Javi doesn’t answer his question.

“We’re taking care of him,” he says again before Yuzuru’s world turns to black.

***

When Yuzuru wakes up, it takes him a couple of minutes to realise that he’s not in his own bed or his own room.

There’s someone sitting at the edge of the bed, their back turned to him. Yuzuru moves his legs which catches their attention.

“Hey, you alright?” Javi turns to him.

Yuzuru blinks a few times before he realises why Javi is asking him this question and then everything comes rushing back. Yuzuru closes his eyes again and tries to calm all the thoughts going through his mind.

He looks at Javi again and shakes his head.

Javi nods and finds Yuzuru’s hand under the covers. Yuzuru waits for the calmness to spread all over his body, welcomes it.

“You should probably eat something,” Javi notes, there’s something painful hiding itself behind his eyes.

Yuzuru opens his mouth to protest but Javi stops him before he has the chance to say anything.

“We will go to Brian after that. We just need you to be okay first. We will tell you everything you need to know but we need you to tell us more, too.” Javi squeezes his hand. “I’ll stay with you if anything were to happen, okay?”

Yuzuru’s head is full of questions that he needs to have answered as soon as possible but Javi placates him, whether it’s his words, his hand or just his presence.

Yuzuru does as he’s told. Javi accompanies him back to his room and waits behind the door after Yuzuru’s assured him that he just needs to take a shower and change his clothes.

Being alone again without Javi watching his every move is both liberating and constricting. Yuzuru manages to put shampoo in his hair, massaging his head, thinking about nothing at all, but just as he’s about to wash the suds away, Shoma’s face appears in front of his eyes again and no matter how hard Yuzuru tries it won’t fade away.

He finds the tap and changes the temperature of the water, so it’s almost scalding.

Yuzuru just stands there under the burning water. He lets it hit the top of his head, his face, his shoulders, his back. He stands there until his mind can only focus on how much it burns, until the pain is unbearable, and he has to get out.

He sees the bruise that is slowly starting to form on his knee when he’s about to start dressing up and he wonders whether there are more. He comes closer to the mirror and almost doesn’t recognise himself. His shoulders are red, and it hurts to touch them. His eyes are just two small cracks that are puffy all over. His face is as red as his shoulders are, except for the small lines. When Yuzuru inspects them more carefully, he can see that those are scratches. Yuzuru doesn’t know how he got them but touching them doesn’t hurt more than touching the rest of his face does.

He finds a pair of trousers and a t-shirt quickly. He doesn’t think about drying off his hair and lets the water soak the neckline of his shirt.

When he gets out of his room, he can see Javi widen his eyes.

Javi doesn’t say anything about the state Yuzuru is in though. He just clears his throat and asks, “Ready?”

Yuzuru just shrugs.

Walking into the dining hall is hard. Some of the morning classes and sessions were cancelled which means that almost all the seats have been taken. The dining hall has always been a place of gossip and today doesn’t seem to be any different.

The air is tense and heavy. When Yuzuru walks into the room, everybody falls quiet. He can feel every single pair of eyes on him. He doesn’t look at anyone though. He just stares ahead. He’s here because Javi said he needs to eat something and once he eats his breakfast he can go to Brian.

Javi puts a hand on his shoulder when they get to the displayed meals. Yuzuru doesn’t know what to put on his tray, because he doesn’t feel like eating anything. It’s just a task he needs to fulfill, so he can finally get some answers.

He stares at the different types of cereal when Javi takes the bowl from his hand.

“Hey,” he whispers gently. “I’ll get you something, okay?”

Yuzuru shrugs again.

“Why don’t you find a place for us to sit?” Javi adds encouragingly.

Yuzuru turns around and sees everybody quickly look down. They could’ve kept looking. He doesn’t care. It’s like the shower’s washed away all the remnants of what he could’ve felt. He feels hollow. He feels nothing. He doesn’t feel what others might be feeling and for the first time he doesn’t even feel anything as himself. No wonder Shoma didn’t want emotions. Yuzuru wishes he could stay this numb.

“Hey,” Javi says behind him. “Let’s go sit here.”

Javi leads him to the end of one of the tables. Their usual seats aren’t taken but he probably realises that Yuzuru doesn’t want to be surrounded by the pitying looks of his friends. Javi’s is enough.

Yuzuru just goes through the motions. He swallows one mouthful after another without paying much attention to the taste of what he’s eating. Javi keeps his hand on Yuzuru’s shoulder, shielding him from the rest of the dining hall and anyone who would try to approach them.

When Yuzuru’s finished, he pushes his bowl away.

“Can we go now?”

***

Sitting on the other side of Brian’s desk with that colourful clock hanging on the wall right in front of him reminds Yuzuru of the beginning of the camp. The situations are so similar and yet so different.

There’s still that awkward silence. Brian is still looking as worried as he was back then, maybe even more. Yuzuru still feels crushing guilt inside of him. Guilt that came back as soon as he entered Brian’s office. Yuzuru messed up once again. The second hand on the clock still goes from red to blue to green.

“How are you?” Brian finally asks.

Yuzuru shrugs. He hasn’t said much today. Javi kept asking him all kinds of questions about how he felt and if it had got better but Yuzuru just kept shrugging. He’s not been thinking about himself much. It isn’t important how he feels.

“It doesn’t matter,” he says.

Brian sighs. “Yes, it does. Yuzu, we can’t be doing this if you’re not okay.”

Yuzuru just shrugs again. “Javi is here.”

“Javi won’t be here all the time.” Brian stops and tries to be gentler with his next words. “You can’t become dependent on him. I know that it’s easy and it might seem like the right thing to do at the moment. That it might seem like the best way for you to protect yourself. And I’m sure Javi is glad to help but we can’t go through all of this again.”

Yuzuru knows that Brian is right. Letting go of the shield that Javi used to be for him had been hard and whenever Javi offered after that, Yuzuru would decline. It would’ve been easy to just say yes but Yuzuru still remembered the weeks spent trying to relearn his own emotions while learning how to manage feeling the emotions of others on top of that. He doesn’t have time to go through all of that again. Nobody has time for that.

“Then I’ll have to deal with it. I deserve it for what I’ve done.”

He can hear the resignation in his own voice.

Brian and Javier exchange looks.

“Yuzu.” Brian clasps his hands on the desk, his brow furrowing. “Whatever happened, I’m sure it wasn’t intended. It’s obvious you didn’t mean to cause Shoma any harm.”

Yuzuru jerks at the mention of Shoma’s name but Brian continues.

“Listen, it was about to happen sooner or later. He’d arrived in this camp knowing that his power was undeveloped, and he couldn’t control it yet. I knew it. You knew it.”

Brian’s voice and his carefully chosen words soothe him a bit, but they can’t overpower the fact that Yuzuru is the one who caused all of it.

“It could’ve happened last week. Or maybe in a month. But it would’ve happened nonetheless. This camp exists for it to happen.”

Yuzuru starts shaking his head quickly. “Not like this though. Not like this.”

Brian presses his lips close together before clearing his throat. It’s obvious that he doesn’t know how to navigate this thing either. He might be telling Yuzuru that what happened was inevitable but even he must know there could’ve been a better way.

“Why don’t you tell us what happened?” he encourages him.

Yuzuru stills. “Didn’t Shoma tell you?”

Brian looks at Javi again and Yuzuru can’t shake off the feeling that they’re hiding something from him.

“We want to hear your version,” Javi says behind him. “Just to be sure.”

“Okay…”

And so Yuzuru explains how they were hiding in the shrubs. How he thought they were almost found. He tells them about giving Shoma his jacket, and about the marshmallows, and how Shoma was so close that it scared him.

And then he tells them about what happened after that. About sitting under the tree and Yuzuru opening himself up. He tells them how easy talking about it all was when he knew Shoma was the one listening and holding his hand.

He tells them about the tear and about the look in Shoma’s eyes before he sprinted away.

“I know I should’ve run after him, but I think I was in shock. I didn’t really know what had just happened.” He takes a deep breath. “I didn’t realise he would react in that way. I didn’t realise he would react at all even though I should’ve.”

“Hey, don’t blame yourself. You did what you thought was the right thing at the time,” Javi says, taking a few steps forward and squeezing Yuzuru’s shoulder.

Yuzuru shakes his head. “No, Javi, I didn’t. He told me he didn’t need to know. I basically forced him to listen to my story. I didn’t check for his reaction at all. I was selfish and only focused on myself and my own needs.”

“And that’s okay,” Javi says with another squeeze of Yuzuru’s shoulder. “You can’t think of other people all the time, Yuzu. You can’t be there to listen to them every minute of every day. Sometimes you need to be listened to and that is okay.”

Yuzuru relaxes and leans his head on Javi’s hand. “I just want to know if he’s okay.”

“I know.”

“Is he?”

There’s silence before Brian speaks again.

“He’s a… he’s stable.”

Yuzuru stiffens. “What do you mean that he’s stable?”

“Hey, don’t panic, okay?” Javi says. Those words don’t calm Yuzuru’s mind at all.

“We had to take him to the institute’s hospital,” Brian says slowly. “You know how it is when your body experiences a trigger. He was going through a series of very strong emotions. Most of them not even connected to the situation he was in. So, we decided to give him some pills and let him rest. We still don’t know how he’ll react when he wakes up. We have to be careful.”

Yuzuru feels his lungs constrict and he starts gulping for air. He didn’t know it was this serious. He didn’t fully realise the consequences of what had happened. He thought he would find Shoma in Mihoko’s office or with Brian, and they would talk about it and he would explain and apologise. He wanted to find him and help him. He wanted to be there for him.

“Is he… is he unconscious?” Yuzuru asks in a whisper, scared that if he says those words any louder, they might become true.

Brian doesn’t look like he wants to answer him. He keeps looking at Javi with a pained expression, clenching and unclenching his jaw, clasping and unclasping his hands.

“It’s controlled. Everything is controlled. We’re taking care of him.”

Yuzuru starts shaking his head. “Stop saying that.” He means for it to be biting, but it comes out as a weak plea.

There are tears welling in his eyes again, stinging.

“I’m going to visit him soon, okay?” Javi says. “He’s with Miki and Mihoko now. I’m sure they’re doing a good job looking after him.”

Yuzuru swallows, the teardrops start leaving his eyes and finding their way down his face.

“I will go with you,” he says, his voice scratchy.

“Yuzu, I…” Javi starts.

“We don’t think that’s a good idea,” Brian interrupts him.

“Why?”

“You are obviously not alright yourself and I don’t want you seeing him when you’re still shaken up from yesterday. You need to calm down and you need to be okay before we let you see him, Yuzu. I am sorry.”

Yuzuru frowns. He starts wiping the tears off his face as if that would convince Brian that he is okay, as if that would convince himself that he’s okay.

“I can manage. I will go with Javi. If anything were to happen, Javi will be there to help me. It’s okay.”

Yuzuru hears how weak his own voice sounds. He’s not fooling anyone no matter how much he tries.

“Then at least think about Shoma.”

Yuzuru bites his lip and looks at Brian in confusion.

“I am thinking of him, Brian. I’ve been thinking about him all day. I can’t stop. I just want to make it better and the only way of making it better is me apologising to him and explaining everything. He needs me right now.”

Yuzuru just wants to be there when Shoma wakes up. He wants to help as much as he can. He could maybe hold his hand or tell him stories that would soothe him. Shoma has been there for Yuzuru when Yuzuru needed him, helping him to get through a stupid horror movie. Now’s Yuzuru’s time to give back, now’s his time to be there for Shoma because Shoma needs him.

“We need to be careful, Yuzu,” Javi says as if Yuzuru doesn’t know that himself.

“I will be careful.”

“Yuzu, listen.”

Yuzuru turns back to Brian.

“When I said that we still don’t know how he’ll react when he wakes up, I meant that we don’t know how he’ll react to certain situations.” He pauses. “And to certain people.”

“When you say…” Yuzuru swallows. “When you say certain people, you mean a certain person.”

Brian and Javi stay silent.

“You mean me.”

Brian slowly nods his head and the room starts spinning.

Is this what’s happening? Does that mean Shoma fears him now? Does he hate him? Does he not want to see him ever again?

Oh, how foolish he was, crying on Javi’s shoulder, complaining about how he can’t be with someone who can’t feel, thinking about how difficult it would be to love someone who didn’t love him back. Someone who didn’t feel anything when he was with them. Nothing is still better than this.

“What… what do you mean?” Yuzuru doesn’t want to accept this. He can’t accept it.

“This is a new situation for us, not just for you or Shoma. We need to be careful and we need to think about Shoma. Him being safe and healthy is our priority now. I think we can all agree on that, right?”

Yuzuru nods.

“I know you want to help but I don’t think that you being around him is going to help either of you, at least not right now. We need to ease him into the situation he is currently in. We need to ease him into his new life and try not to cause any more harm.”

Any more harm than what Yuzuru himself has already caused. Brian doesn’t say that. He doesn’t need to, Yuzuru knows it himself. He still won’t lose hope.

“What… what if it’s like with Mao and Kanako. They are okay despite what happened.” He looks at Javi. “Right, Javi? Kana’s power was triggered by Mao and it only made them closer. Maybe… maybe this is the same situation.”

He’s grasping at straws. He knows. His voice is shaky, and he must sound mad. Brian’s response doesn’t surprise him. He’s been expecting it.

“We can’t compare what happened to Shoma to what happened to Kanako. This is different. Just because it worked out for Kana and Mao the way it did, doesn’t mean it will be the same with you and Shoma. That’s why we need to be cautious.”

Brian looks down at his clasped hands before he continues. “We need you to try to be okay yourself and to try and help us from here. Do you think you will be able to do that?”

It sucks. The reality sucks. Knowing that he can’t see Shoma right now sucks but Yuzuru will do anything that could help him in any way. If it means staying in this camp and going through every book that Tracy has in her library, so be it.

Yuzuru nods. “Yeah, I can help you from here.”

“Okay.”

“Mihoko told us something about a diary that Shoma is writing. Do you know anything about that?” Javi says a bit more cheerfully.

Yuzuru thinks back to seeing Shoma writing into his journal for the first time. How he sat beneath their tree, scribbling things down. He thinks back to how they laid on Yuzuru’s bed together and Shoma was listing all the emotions he had figured out, and how Yuzuru was proud of him and amazed at how observant he was. He remembers how comfortable sitting with Shoma pressed against his chest was and he wonders if he’ll ever be able to do it again. He wonders if they’ll sit beneath their tree together ever again, if they’ll look through the pages of Shoma’s journal ever again. Or if the old oak tree will remain lonely from now on and the pages they could’ve started writing together remain empty. Or if Shoma starts filling them with someone else.

Yuzuru shakes his head in an attempt to get rid of his thoughts. There’s no use in thinking like this. Whatever happens, happens. Brian needs him to be okay, Shoma needs him to be okay, he needs himself to be okay.

He sniffs. “Yeah, I know about it.”

“Do you know where it is? We thought it might help us see the situation from Shoma’s perspective.”

“Um… I don’t know. Isn’t it in his room?”

Brian shakes his head.

“I’ll look in my room then. He might’ve left it there.” Yuzuru clears his throat. “Do you want me to bring it to you? Or to Mihoko?”

“No, we thought that you could keep it,” Brian says with a warm smile. Yuzuru appreciates the smile. He appreciates anything that isn’t the worry and pity he’s been seeing all day long.

“Don’t you want to read it though? You said it might help you. Shoma let me read it many times. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t feel embarrassed about the things he puts in…” Yuzuru swallows. “Or at least he didn’t care back then.”

And there’s that worrying look again. Yuzuru should just stop talking. He should go back to shrugging. Shrugging is innocent. If he had kept shrugging whenever Shoma said anything, they wouldn’t have been dealing with this now.

“Do you think you could go through it again?” Brian asks him. “Maybe look for some clues that he might’ve felt some bits of emotions before that you could’ve missed?”

“Can’t Mihoko do that though? I think she’s more specialised than me in this aspect.”

“Mihoko told us to ask you,” Javi answers. He has moved, so he’s standing on the other side of the desk with Brian now. He has probably assumed that Yuzuru won’t need him so close anymore. “You’ve spent more time with him than she did, and she thinks he might’ve told you more or could’ve shown more without you realising.”

Yuzuru looks down. He doesn’t like the idea of reading Shoma’s thoughts without him present even though Shoma let him read them without caring before. He doesn’t know if he can read what he hasn’t read before, if he can read what’s been added. He doesn’t know if he’s strong enough.

“I’m sure he’d let Mihoko read it,” he starts but Brian interrupts him before he can finish.

“He wouldn’t. He didn’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“Mihoko asked him once if she could look and he told her he doesn’t want her to. It seems like you’re the only person he let read it other than himself,” Javi replies.

Brian leans across the table. “Look, Yuzu, if you don’t want to, it’s okay. We know that we’re asking too much of you right now, but we want to be prepared for when he wakes up, and his diary is the only thing that can help us with that right now. We don’t want to be going through it without his permission and it seems like you’re the only one he’s given his permission to.”

Yuzuru said he wants to help. Yuzuru also wants to see Shoma be okay as soon as possible. If he needs to read his diary to help him, he will do it. It’s just a diary, he’s read it many times. Shoma let him see what he was writing down, Shoma let him tell him what was right and what was wrong. He would sometimes read entire passages out loud to him.

“It’s okay,” Yuzuru says. “I can do it. I want to help.”

Brian studies him with his eyes. “Are you sure? We don’t want you to feel pressured.”

“It’s fine. Really. I’ve read it many times. I don’t think there will be anything that could affect me in any way. And if there is, I’ll just stop reading. I know myself well enough to know when to stop.”

Javi takes out his phone from his pocket and looks at the screen. “Okay. Listen, I have to go now. Do you think you’ll be okay alone?”

Yuzuru tries to smile for the first time that day. “Yeah. Thank you.”

Javi walks around the desk and Yuzuru gets up from his chair to hug him.

“Will you tell me how he is when you come back?” Yuzuru asks against the crook of Javi’s neck.

Javi pulls him even closer. “I will.” He holds him for a few more seconds before they part and Javi takes Yuzuru’s head into his hands, holding it in his palms. He looks into his eyes. “I’ll tell Han to check on you. Is that okay?”

Yuzuru nods as much as Javi’s hands allow him.

“Go and get some rest now,” Javi says before leaving the office.

***

Yuzuru decides to do as he’s been told. He changes into comfortable trackies and a long t-shirt and goes to lay in his bed. When he grabs the duvet though, something falls from underneath it and rolls under the bed. When Yuzuru crouches down to pick it up and touches it with his hand, he realises it’s a pen. When he looks at it closer, he realises it’s the pen with the small chick. The pen that belongs to Shoma.

It doesn’t take long to find the diary on the nightstand, lying on top of the book that Yuzuru gave him. Yuzuru lied when he said that he wasn’t sure where the diary was. He knew it well. He remembers the last time he and Shoma spent in his room, looking through the book and adding different emotions to Shoma’s journal for him to learn and to maybe try and recognise in others.

Yuzuru has to admit that some of the emotions in the book were pointless and he’s never heard of them, let alone felt them. Shoma was thorough though and he wrote them down, saying that Yuzuru simply doesn’t have enough experience with emotions to know if they really exist or not.

Yuzuru smiles at the memory. He loved it when Shoma joked with him. It’s been one day but he misses it already. He misses him.

He picks up Shoma’s diary and goes to sit on the bed. He reckons that reading it right now is as good as reading it later. It’s better to be done with it and help the others quickly. Yuzuru’s sure the diary won’t be useful once Shoma wakes up. They need to know more now and Yuzuru is the only one who can give them the information without invading Shoma’s privacy.

He knows he’s on the side of the bed that Shoma would always sleep on as well, but it almost feels comforting, almost as if Shoma was there with him. He pulls the duvet over himself, cocoons himself a bit more than he usually would, breathing in. Shoma’s slept there so many times that he can smell him on the duvet together with himself. It’s almost like their scents have become intertwined and one can’t exist without the other. Whenever Yuzuru breathes in a bit of himself, a part of Shoma follows right after.

He stays like that for a while, lets himself be enveloped by the idea of himself with Shoma, before he opens the journal.

It’s odd. Looking at the pages, Yuzuru almost expects to hear Shoma’s voice. He expects him to explain some of the stuff he’s written or maybe tell Yuzuru what to look for, what new information he’s added. This time, there’s just silence, with no voice to guide Yuzuru through the pages and no weight pressed against his side.

Yuzuru is familiar with the first few pages of the journal. They talk about the powers of others and Yuzuru’s been helping Shoma with them. Then there’s the part about emotions, some more ridiculous than others. Yuzuru skims through it as he knows he won’t find anything of importance there.

The rest of the journal is Shoma’s diary. Shoma’s let him read it a few times but Yuzuru’s never paid much attention to it. That’s why there’s this voice in the back of his head, telling him that this is wrong, and he shouldn’t be reading something so private even if Shoma had allowed him to. The other voice is telling him that this is right, and this is how he can help Shoma heal quickly and even though he can’t be there for him now, he can at least help him this way.

He starts reading.

It takes Yuzuru a few lines to realise that Shoma doesn’t write about himself.

He writes about what he sees, what he experiences throughout the day but it’s all very impersonal. He writes about other people, about what they told him, about how they acted, about what they might’ve felt. It reminds him once again of how observant Shoma is.

There’s a whole paragraph dedicated to that one afternoon he spent talking to Satoko about her powers. Shoma writes about how she smiled at him even though Shoma had no answers to give her. He mentions how quietly she talked as if her lovely voice could disturb the butterflies that were flying around them. The butterflies whose wings had the same blue colour as Satoko’s dress.

It takes Yuzuru another few pages to realise that Shoma doesn’t write about him.

There were many situations that Yuzuru was a part of. There were even more words that he said. There’s an endless number of things that he did. And yet, Shoma doesn’t mention any of it. It’s as if Yuzuru didn’t exist at all.

It stings a little, knowing how much time Shoma spends writing his journal and how much time he spends with Yuzuru. It stings that he wouldn’t mention him, not even once. It stings until Yuzuru turns the page he’s currently on and he finds his own name staring back at him. There’s nothing more. Just one page with his name written in bold.

Yuzuru doesn’t know if he should continue. There are still some pages left and he’s scared of what he might find on them. Maybe Shoma wouldn’t want him to read through this. Shoma probably wrote the upcoming bits about him and they were not intended for Yuzuru to read. Yuzuru also can’t stop his hand from turning the page.

His hand starts shaking not long after and he has to close his eyes, so he can breathe.

It’s him. Just him and Shoma on every single page. Everything they’ve said to each other, everything they’ve done together. Some things Yuzuru doesn’t even remember himself. Some things he was doing alone with just Shoma in the same room but Shoma wrote about them too. Page upon page filled with mentions of his own name, sometimes on its own, sometimes as “Yuzuru and I".

Yuzuru starts reading again but turning the page gets harder and harder each time.

_ I slept in Yuzuru’s bed today. I told him I couldn’t sleep in my own bed because Boyang had been levitating which is true, but I also find Yuzuru’s bed to be much more comfortable than mine. It was nice sleeping in his bed like this. He slept next to me and it was way better than sleeping in my own bed is. I don’t know why. Yuzuru must have a magical bed or something. I need to ask him if the mattress he sleeps on is his and if so, where he bought it. When I woke up and he was still sleeping next to me this morning, I noticed that he has a small mole above his right collarbone. He is beautiful when he sleeps. He always is. _

\-         _ Shoma _

Yuzuru clears his throat to get rid of the lump that’s started to form there before turning the page. It only gets more confusing.

_ I think there might be something wrong with Yuzuru. Or maybe there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I have done something wrong. I thought he liked me but now whenever I approach him, he always withdraws. I have been studying him all week and it doesn’t seem like he does it with other people, so maybe it really is me. It sucks because everything seemed okay before. We went to watch the movie with Javi and Miki, and Mao and Kanako. Yuzuru doesn’t like horror movies. He kept gripping the couch, so I offered my hand to him and then held it to comfort him. I think he might’ve liked it. Yuzuru has very lovely hands that are really soft to touch. And he has really long fingers as well, way longer than mine. I think he could make a great pianist. Anyway, going back to the problem here. Ever since the party later that day, it seems like he’s been avoiding me. Or not avoiding me since he still spends his time with me and helps me, but it is different. It seems like he’s scared to touch me, but I don’t know why. Maybe I’m reading it wrong and he’s not scared, or maybe it’s something else. He’s sitting at his table right now, and he seems to be thinking about something. His friends are with him, Javi and Han – the new guy that came a few days ago to help Boyang with his powers. I don’t know him much but he and Yuzuru seem close. I hope I haven’t done something bad and Yuzuru starts treating me the same way as before again. _

\-         _ Shoma _

There’s another entry a few pages after that which starts almost the same. Almost.

_ I think there really is something wrong with me. I slept in Yuzuru’s bed again today. I don’t know why. I told him that Nathan has been talking about Mai which is true, but Nathan had been long asleep when I left our room and went to Yuzuru’s. It only got stranger in the morning. He left to make us breakfast and told me to stay in bed, but I couldn’t. I was still sleepy, but I couldn’t fall asleep again without him there. He made pancakes and they were really good. I know I said that Yuzuru could be a pianist, but I think he could be a chef too. I asked him to spend more time with me later even though we weren’t supposed to have a session. I don’t know why I did that. I don’t think it’s his comfy mattress. I think there is something wrong because I was right. Yuzuru does like me. He likes me more than a friend and he told me today. But I think there is something wrong with me because when he told me, I felt something in my stomach. At first, I thought it was probably because of something that I ate earlier, and it went away really quickly anyway. But now when I think back to what Yuzuru said, and how he looked at me, and how he held my hands, it’s back. I don’t think it’s anything serious, so I won’t tell Mihoko. At least not yet. I’ll see if it comes back again. _

\-         _ Shoma _

Yuzuru turns the page again but there’s nothing more. All the other pages are empty. Yuzuru tries to go back to the previous page and read it again when there’s a knock on his door.

“Yuzu? Can I come in?” Han asks politely.

“Yeah,” Yuzuru whispers.

He doesn’t know if Han heard him, but he enters the room after a while.

“Wow, buddy, you’re shaking all over. Are you okay?”

Han rushes to the bed and tries to take a hold of Yuzuru’s hands that are tightly gripping Shoma’s diary.

“Hey, hey, hey, breathe, okay? I am here. Do you need something? Water, maybe?”

Yuzuru nods, his vision is starting to get blurry again.

Han gets back with a glass of water and Yuzuru takes a few sips. The cold liquid helps a bit but Yuzuru knows it won’t help for long.

“Could you… could you call Javi?”

“Of course. Yuzu, just breathe, okay? It’s going to be alright.”

Han holds his hand as he dials Javi’s number. It rings a few times before Javi picks up. Yuzuru is sure that Han’s hand must be hurting with the way he’s been clutching it, but he doesn’t say anything.

He hands Yuzuru the phone.

“Hey, is Yuzu okay?” Javi asks on the other side.

“Hi, Javi, it’s me.”

“Hey, is everything alright? You don’t sound good. What happened?”

“I think I messed up again.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone, I am back. I'm not promising anything about when the next update will be because I am obviously a LIE!!! But technically, it still hasn't been two months, right??  
> Anyway, A HUUUUGE THANK YOU to my wonderful beta theseventhmarch whose thoroughness still astounds me. I also want to thank my Weak&Soft GC - thank you Vera for letting me know how my works make you feel, thank you Hanna for having deep philosophical conversations with me, and thank you Bibi for, well, for being you. I love all three of you so much. I'd also like to thank Melis for being my biggest fan ;)  
> Okay, enough thank you's. Enjoy the new chapter. :)

“We’re going to wake him up later today,” Javi says matter-of-factly as if it isn’t an important decision that will have a huge impact on Shoma’s life while nobody knows if that impact will be a good one or a bad one.

Yuzuru blinks at Javi a few times before clearing his throat. “Do you… do you think that’s a good idea?”

Javi chuckles. “We wouldn’t be doing it if it wasn’t, would we?”

“I guess,” Yuzuru mumbles.

Javi got to his room as quickly as he could. He’d spent some time talking to Han before approaching Yuzuru, as if Han had better answers to whatever questions Javi had asked him. It was obvious that they were talking about Yuzuru judging by Javi’s eyes that would often end up focused on his face when Javi thought Yuzuru wasn’t looking. Yuzuru started tossing in his bed a few moments later to let them know that he was in the room with them and he was not some kind of a wild animal one shouldn’t get close to.

Javi got it quickly. Han realised a moment later and left them alone, and now they’re here. They’ve both been sitting in Yuzuru’s room for a while. Javi is sitting on the edge of the bed while Yuzuru’s still on Shoma’s side cocooned in the duvet.

Shoma’s side. It’s not even Shoma’s side. It never was.

Yuzuru sighs sadly.

“Are you okay?” Javi asks him.

Yuzuru shakes his head. Strands of hair fall into his eyes and he pushes them behind his ear.

Javi has asked him whether he’s okay at least five times already and the answer is the same every time. Javi always smiled at him pityingly and then they continued sitting in silence until Javi asked again.

Shoma’s diary is still lying where Yuzuru put it after Han got into the room. The brown suede is staring back at him, scratches and fingerprints staining what used to be an immaculate cover. Yuzuru wonders if some of the fingertips belong to Shoma or if the diary’s gone through so many hands already that his fingers can’t be found on it anymore. If they have vaporised. He buries his nose into the blanket and wonders if Shoma’s smell is going to vaporise from it soon as well.

Yuzuru looks back at Javier and sees his gentle brown eyes looking back.

“You know that this is good, right?” Javi gestures to the diary.

Yuzuru shrugs. “I don’t see anything good about it. I only see myself messing up.” He bites his bottom lip because just thinking about it makes his eyes well up with tears again.

“What are you talking about?”

“I messed up, Javi. There’s no need to sugarcoat it. Something has been going on with him for a while now and it was my job to realise and I failed.”

Javi sighs and rubs his eyes. “Yuzu, we’ve been over this.”

“Then why don’t you say it?” Yuzuru huffs.

“Say what?”

“That I fucked up.”

“Because you didn’t!”

Javi gets up from the bed and goes to stand in the middle of the room.

“You really need to stop with all this self-blaming, you know? Do you think Brian is to blame for this?”

Yuzuru frowns. “No. What has Brian to do with any of this?”

“Well, he’s the head of the camp, isn’t he? He’s the reason Shoma’s here, so it’s all his fault.”

“No, it’s not,” Yuzuru says.

“Oh, so maybe it’s Miki’s fault. Brian had told her to watch over everyone and she failed because she didn’t watch over Shoma well enough to realise that something was happening with him.”

“Javi, stop.”

“Back then in the movie room? She should’ve noticed. Or maybe I should’ve noticed. So, I guess it’s my fault as well. And Boyang’s. And Nathan’s. They are his roommates. They should’ve noticed.”

“You’re not making any sense.”

“No, you’re not making any sense, Yuzuru. This is how you sound.”

Javi puts his hands on his hips.

Yuzuru looks down. “Why are you mad at me?” he whispers.

“I’m mad at you because you’re hurting yourself further with this nonsensical thinking of yours.”

Javi goes to sit next to Yuzuru again and grabs one of his hands.

“Hey, listen to me because I’m not going to repeat it,” he says calmer this time. “Whatever happened to Shoma is not your fault. It is nobody’s fault. Not yours, not mine, not Shoma’s. It just happened, okay? Stop blaming yourself for something you wouldn’t have been able to prevent anyway.”

Javi squeezes his hand and Yuzuru finally looks up.

“I just… I just wish I knew sooner.”

“Do you think you would’ve been able to avoid what happened if you’d known?” Javi asks.

Yuzuru thinks about it. Would he have started treating Shoma differently? Would he have tried to treat him the same? Would he have just gone up to him and straight up tell him: Hey, I think that you’re having feelings? Would he have waited for more to be really sure? 

Yuzuru shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“Exactly. You don’t know. Thinking about what-ifs is pointless right now. We should think about what we know and how we’re going to use it, so the outcome is the best possible one.”

Yuzuru nods. “Yeah.”

“And that — ” Javi points to the diary, “  — is a good thing.”

“Really?”

“Yes. We know that there’s been some kind of feeling for quite some time and that even though Shoma hadn’t realised it, it was there. His trigger could’ve been so much worse, Yuzu.”

Yuzuru shudders. Just thinking about something worse than what Shoma’s going through right now makes his stomach turn.

“And it’s good because we can wake him up and not be so scared of his reaction,” Javi continues. “Yeah, there’s still a lot happening to him, but he needs to experience these things. And if we can control the situation and only expose him to things little by little, and if we can choose what things to expose him to, I think he can recover rather quickly.”

Yuzuru smiles sadly. “Choose what things you expose him to meaning that I won’t get to see him.”

“Hey,” Javi says in a reprimanding tone. “Don’t say that. We don’t know how he’ll react to anyone. We need to be careful. It’s safer to have his family be the first ones to see him as they know him best and vice versa.”

Yuzuru widens his eyes. “His family is here?”

“Yeah, Brian called them as soon as we realised Shoma had been triggered.”

Yuzuru nods. Of course, that Shoma’s family would be here. He’s going through a big change and will need all the support possible. Yuzuru doesn’t know how he would’ve handled his own situation if he hadn’t had his family by his side. He doesn’t know why he’s surprised after learning this.

“That’s good then,” Yuzuru says.

“Yeah.” Javi rubs the back of his neck. “We just need to convince his mum not to take him back home with them.”

Yuzuru sits up straighter. “What? What do you mean take home with them?”

Javi bites his lip. “Well… his mum wanted him to come here to ‘become normal’.” He does the air quotes with his fingers. “And now that he can feel, she wants to take him back home.”

“But she can’t!” Yuzuru blurts out. “He’s vulnerable and… and… she can’t just take him home like that.”

Javi puts a comforting hand on Yuzuru’s shoulder. “Calm down, Yuzu. We know this.”

As soon as those words leave Javi’s lips, Yuzuru can feel his breathing even out and his heart rate slow down. Javi’s hand stays on his shoulder though.

“Mihoko is trying to reason with her and explain to her that Shoma might be able to feel now but that he’s definitely not… normal. Not by his mum’s standards at least.” Javi swallows. The obvious discomfort can be heard in his voice. “The best thing for him right now is to stay here with us. We know best how to handle these kinds of situations.”

Yuzuru nods. “And you’re here,” he mumbles.

Javi blinks at him in confusion before a sheepish smile appears on his lips complemented by a blush high on his cheeks.

“I guess you’re right. I might come in handy.” He winks at Yuzuru.

Yuzuru smiles back. “Thank you, Javi. For being here and for…” He shrugs. “For being you.”

“Anytime.”

Javi pats Yuzuru a few times on the shoulder and looks at the watch on his hand. “Feeling better?”

“A bit. Thank you.”

“Okay… good. I…” He looks at his watch again.

“Javi, you can leave, you know? It’s okay.”

Yuzuru would rather not be alone but it’s obvious that Shoma is the priority right now and Yuzuru doesn’t want to keep Javi from helping where he’s needed.

“No, it’s just—“

Javi is interrupted by a knock on the door. Both he and Yuzuru look up to find two heads peeking in.

“Hello,” Boyang says in his ever-joyous tone, grinning wildly.

“Hi.” Han waves above Boyang’s head.

Yuzuru looks at Javi. “What is this?”

“Your company.” Javi smiles, standing up.

Yuzuru quickly grabs his hand to stop him.

Javi turns around and frowns.

“Thank you,” Yuzuru whispers softly.

Yuzuru doesn’t know how to express how grateful he is for Javi doing all this for him, knowing what he needs and being his friend. Lately, it feels like Yuzuru would need thousands of words to express what Javi means to him and even that wouldn’t be enough.

Javi just smiles at him again and nods his head. And Yuzuru knows he understands. There are no words needed between them.

Yuzuru is startled by someone plopping on the bed beside him and he lets go off Javi’s hand.

“Have fun!” Javi says and then he disappears behind the door.

“Move over.” Han nudges Yuzuru, forcing him to abandon Shoma’s side of the bed and lie in the middle of it with Han on one side and Boyang on the other.

“What are you doing?” Yuzuru asks in disbelief. He’s stuck between them while their bodies are pressing into him and he thinks he’s about to get hit in the face with Boyang’s elbow.

“We are here to cuddle you,” Boyang says, still grinning. “And we’ve got sweets! Look!”

Yuzuru picks up the candy that just landed on his chest. It looks like some type of a chocolate bar. He doesn’t have enough time to read its name before Han snatches it, opens it and basically shoves it in Yuzuru’s mouth.

“Wut — ” A drop of saliva slides down the corner of Yuzuru’s mouth and he wipes it off with his hand.

He takes the chocolate bar out of his mouth. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Feeding you,” Han says, opening his own chocolate bar and taking a big bite. “Eat. It’s good.”

Yuzuru grimaces as Han continues talking with his mouth full, but he takes a bite nonetheless. It is quite tasty, though a bit too sweet. Yuzuru’s always preferred fruity sweets. If Shoma were here, he’d probably give the bar to him.

He takes another bite.

“Where’s your remote control?” Boyang asks, taking Shoma’s diary and carelessly putting it on the nightstand right next to the remote control, so he can cover himself with the duvet.

“There,” Yuzuru says.

“Where?” Boyang starts looking around.

Yuzuru sighs and leans over him to pick it up, intentionally using Boyang’s chest for support.

“Ouch, you almost broke my heart there!” Boyang cries.

Han smacks him on the head. “The heart is not a bone, you dumbass!”

“Why do people say that you can break it then, huh? Obviously, it is breakable.” Boyang takes a bite of his chocolate bar and starts munching. “I think it’s all a big conspiracy. If the heart was a muscle, people would say that someone tore their heart, or, I don’t know, that their heart is sore. But nuh-uh, that is not happening. Our hearts are actually made of bones and the government just doesn’t want you to know. It’s all a big scheme. Have you ever seen an actual heart, Yuzu?”

Yuzuru blinks a few times in confusion. He doesn’t know how he got dragged into this conversation or what’s even happening.

“Um… yeah,” he says.

“Really? With your own two eyes? Not through a screen?”

“I—“

“Have you ever touched it?” Boyang asks him with narrowed eyes.

Yuzuru shakes his head.

“HA!” Boyang cries, a bit of chocolate flying from his mouth.

Yuzuru winces as it lands somewhere unbeknownst on the bed.

“You have been brainwashed by the government too! I will not believe it until I hold an actual heart in my own two hands. A breakable muscle?” He rolls his eyes. “Give me a break.”

“Um… okay.” Yuzuru hands him the remote control he’s been holding. “Here’s the remote you wanted.”

“Oh, yeah, thanks,” Boyang replies, his focus already shifting to the object in his hand.

Yuzuru widens his eyes at Han who just shrugs.

“Is he always like this?” Yuzuru asks as quietly as he can, so Boyang doesn’t hear him.

“I wouldn’t take him seriously. He’s found this website about government conspiracy theories and is obsessed with it.”

“Oh, okay.” Yuzuru looks at Boyang with concern.

“He tried to convince me yesterday that butterflies are actually tiny birds that the government used to do experiments on and messed them up. Same with bees and wasps.” Han sighs, “And then there’s the pig.”

“The pig?” Yuzuru asks.

“It’s not a pig, Han Yan. It’s Peppa,” Boyang announces, pulling out a pink plushie from underneath the covers.

“How the hell did this get here?” Yuzuru says in confusion.

“He came in here with that thing.” Han points to the plush pig which, Yuzuru supposes, is Peppa. “He takes it wherever he goes.”

“Why?” Yuzuru asks. It’s like he’s in an alternate reality where Boyang’s gone bonkers and is now best friends with a plush pig.

“‘Cause she’s a gangster,” Boyang says proudly.

Yuzuru is lost for words. He turns his head to Han and then back to Boyang and then just throws his arms in the air. He must look like a cartoon character. He must look like Peppa.

“What did you do to him?”

“Me?” Han says, putting his hand on his chest in an affronted gesture. “I didn’t do anything. Well, except for the earring.”

“What?”

Yuzuru’s head snaps back to Boyang and he almost gives himself a whiplash.

And truly, there’s a gold earring in Boyang’s left ear.

Yuzuru cautiously touches it with his fingers. “Is this real?” He shakes his head. “I mean, is his ear pierced?”

“Yeah,” Han answers.

“When did this happen?”

“Last week.”

“HAN!” Yuzuru cries. “You can’t let them pierce each other’s ears without supervision!”

“I am the supervision.” Han rolls his eyes. “It’s just a small hole in his ear, Yuzu. Chill.”

“What if something happened? Does Brian know about this?”

“Yeah, sure. I also call him every time Boyang needs to use the toilet, less he flushes himself.”

Yuzuru opens his mouth to reprimand Han for making fun of this but Boyang beats him to it.

“Actually, there’s this theory that the government uses toilets to spy on—“

“Give me the remote, Boyang!” Han takes the remote control from him and turns on the TV. “Let’s watch some turtles.”

“Turtles?” Yuzuru asks.

“Yeah,” Boyang answers. “You’ve watched all the romantic comedies and apparently, you hate horror movies, so we found this documentary about turtles.”

Boyang snuggles closer to him, tickling the side of Yuzuru’s face with his hair and pressing Peppa close to his chest. He changes his mind after a minute and sets Peppa in a way so she can watch the TV too. 

“She really likes turtles,” Boyang explains and Yuzuru decides not to ask about it.

They’ve been watching the documentary for quite a while when Yuzuru realises that he hasn’t felt the sad longing he’s gotten used to since they entered the room.

***

When Yuzuru wakes up the next morning, he’s sweating. The sun is already pouring into the room through the window and there are two bodies plastered to his own. Two bodies and a pig plushie.

Yuzuru tries to move but that only makes Boyang cuddle closer to him, burying his face into his neck.

“What time is it?” he mumbles.

Yuzuru sighs. “I wanted to take a look, but I can’t really move.”

Boyang just hums. It doesn’t seem he has any intention of getting up.

The air is unbelievably humid and Yuzuru really needs to go open the window or he’s going to suffocate.

He somehow extracts his limbs out of Boyang’s and Han’s hold and stumbles into the bathroom. He splashes his face with some cold water and looks at himself in the mirror.

His face doesn’t look as bad as it did yesterday. He needs to concentrate quite hard to even see some of the cuts and he’s glad that they aren’t that deep after all. Or so it seems.

He checks his knee as well and sees the big bruise on it. It is mostly blue and purple with a bit of green framing it. Yuzuru touches it and winces in pain.

That one is going to take longer to heal.

He starts thinking about how nice it would be if someone in the camp had some healing powers when a pair of arms wraps around him and somebody puts their head onto his shoulder.

“You shouldn’t stare into the mirror so much. You’ll become vain,” Han says.

“Aren’t I already?” Yuzuru chuckles.

“You’ll become even more vain then,” Han notes and squeezes Yuzuru’s waist.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Are you having a cuddle?” Boyang exclaims from the doorframe and launches himself at the duo.

“I guess we are now,” Yuzuru says, shaking his head.

“Will you go to breakfast with us? Everybody misses you already.” Boyang bats his eyelashes at him.

“Do I really have a choice?”

“No, not really. Javi told us that if you refuse to go, we are obligated to drag you there kicking and screaming,” Han says.

“Then it looks like I am going with you.”

“YAY!” Boyang shouts, throwing his arms in the air.

***

The dining hall isn’t as full as it was the last time and nobody even notices when Yuzuru enters. Han and Boyang sprint to the displayed meals as if there was only one bowl left and Yuzuru only shakes his head.

He has to roll his eyes when he realises that they’re filling up two trays with all kinds of meals and then bringing them to him with huge smiles on their faces.

“We don’t know what your favourite is, so we took a bit of everything.” Boyang shrugs.

“Well… I guess we can all share,” Yuzuru answers, sitting down opposite Nathan and greeting him with a nod of his head.

“Are we having a private brunch or something?” Nathan asks when he notices the two trays overflowing with food.

He reaches for one of the strawberries and shows it to Mai. “Do you want some?”

Mai smiles and takes the strawberry from him. “Thanks.”

“How are you holding up, man?” Nathan asks Yuzuru, biting into a strawberry himself.

“I’m better. Thanks.”

“We watched the turtles yesterday,” Boyang states proudly, munching on some pastry. Yuzuru is noticing that he has a tendency to speak with his mouth full.

Nathan’s eyes light up. “That documentary? Oh man, that one is so cool. I was talking to Patrick about some of the turtles they have at the Aquarium and he said that he might be able to arrange a visit for us.”

“I love turtles,” Kaori says dreamily and everyone around the table laughs.

“Maybe Shoma will be fit enough to go with us then,” Wakaba adds and then perks up. “Are you going with us, Yuzu?”

Yuzuru blinks. “Go where?”

“Yeah, where are we going?” Han asks.

“We’re visiting Shoma tonight. Didn’t Javi tell you?” Nathan says.

Yuzuru frowns. This seemed too good to be true.

“No, I haven’t spoken to him today.”

“Maybe he’s still here,” Nathan says and starts looking around.

Yuzuru jumps up when Boyang starts shouting next to him.

“JAVI!!! ARE YOU HERE???” he yells.

Everyone in the dining hall turns their heads to them and Han quickly puts his hand over Boyang’s mouth which Boyang quickly licks.

“You’re an idiot,” Han scolds him.

“An effective idiot,” Boyang states and points to Javi who is now approaching their table.

“Hi, everyone,” Javi greets them. “Why was Boyang yelling?”

“Hi, Javi,” Yuzuru says. “Is it true?”

“What?” Javi asks.

“That everyone’s visiting Shoma tomorrow or…”

Yuzuru would like to know what is happening because yesterday Shoma was still unconscious and now he’s ready to chitchat with his friends?

“Um…” Javi looks around the room. “I’d rather not discuss this here.”

Yuzuru stands up from the table, his chair making an unpleasant screeching sound. “Okay, then let’s go somewhere else.”

Javier sighs but doesn’t protest. He leads Yuzuru outside the dining hall and to the pool. They don’t talk the whole way there and Yuzuru starts suspecting that something isn’t quite right. The fact that Javi didn’t want to tell him in front of others already suggested that it might be more complicated than it sounds.

Javi sits down, getting rid of his flip-flops and submerging his feet into the pool. Yuzuru sits down next to him, crossing his legs underneath himself.

Yuzuru waits for Javi to start talking but he stays silent. His eyes are focused on his feet in the water and he splashes water onto himself every now and then.

“So…” Yuzuru starts.

“So…”

“Are you going to tell me what happened yesterday or not?”

Javier finally looks at him and it’s apparent that if Yuzuru hadn’t asked, he wouldn’t have told him anything himself.

“I don’t know. I guess it went well.” Javi shrugs.

Yuzuru bites his lip. “You don’t seem like you believe that.”

Javier sighs. “I really don’t know. I mean, his reactions were not what I expected them to be.”

“What do you mean?”

“He just seemed too okay for someone who had gone through a triggering process a few days ago.”

Yuzuru hums.

It seems that Javi is as surprised with what’s happening as Yuzuru is. Yuzuru doesn’t want to be sceptical and maybe he should welcome the fact that Shoma is recovering well and quickly but the deep frown on Javi’s face is more than troubling.

Javi takes a deep breath. “It’s just…” He stops himself. He seems to be conflicted whether to tell Yuzuru more or not.

He sighs loudly and then starts again. “Okay, I am going to tell you. I didn’t want to bother you with this because it might be nothing, but I also know how you are and that you’d find out somehow anyway, and I think you deserve to know.”

Yuzuru hugs his legs. “Is it that bad?”

“It’s not bad at all. It’s way too easy and I just feel like we’re missing something. And Brian won’t even listen to me which pisses me off.”

Javier smiles at Yuzuru sadly. “We woke him up yesterday and it went really well. His mum was okay, his other family members were okay. Everyone was really supportive. We’d explained everything to his mum and she’d said that it would be best for Shoma to decide himself whether he wants to stay here or go home with them.

“So, we woke him up and I was there to help or calm him down in case anything went wrong but… that didn’t happen.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s just unnaturally calm for someone who almost had a heart attack because his emotions were too strong.”

Yuzuru winces and Javi looks at him apologetically.

“I probably shouldn’t have said that. Sorry.”

Yuzuru shakes his head. “No, it’s okay.” He blinks a few times, trying to gather his thoughts. The water in the pool is reflecting the sunlight and it looks like there are sparkles covering it. It looks so tranquil. “When you say that he’s calm…” Yuzuru swallows. “I mean… You do think that he can still feel, right?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Javi quickly reassures him. “I am sure he can feel. It’s just… it’s weird. I don’t want to underestimate him, but I don’t think it’s possible for him to have control over his emotions already. Not after seeing what a mess he had been. And it’s not like he did it naturally either. The numbers on the EMOnitors always went up quickly and I thought I’d have to step in but then they went down again. Sometimes even to zero and I don’t think that’s normal.”

Yuzuru is starting to understand that they can’t tell anything without knowing what Shoma’s emotions are doing exactly. The EMOnitors might show them the strength of Shoma’s reaction, so they can step in if the emotions become too powerful, but that’s the only thing they can help them with. He’s also realising that he’s the only person who would be able to find out more.

He opens his mouth to speak but Javi is quicker, the same idea already crossing his mind.

“I know what you’re about to say. I thought about it myself, but I still don’t think you being in the same room with him is a good idea. Especially when his emotions can spike up so dramatically.”

Yuzuru knows there’s no point in protesting, so he just nods.

“Do you at least know what his power is?” he asks instead.

Javi shakes his head. “No, not really. Brian keeps running all sorts of tests, but we still don’t know much.” He hits the stone side of the pool with his palm. “I just wish Brian wasn’t so stupid.”

“Hm?”

“I don’t know why he’s rushing this. We should know what Shoma’s powers are before we let someone in the room. Do you know how tired he was yesterday? He managed a few sentences with his mum and with us, and then said he was going back to sleep. And Brian thinks this is all okay and that it’s great how calm he is.” Yuzuru notices that Javi’s knuckles on his hand are white from how hard he’s gripping the side of the pool. “He’s not calm. He’s subdued. I don’t know if it’s because of the shit he gave him or if it’s because of something else but it’s not good. The numbers on the EMOnitors are not good and I don’t know why he acts like they are. And now he wants to allow him visitors when we don’t even know what might happen.”

“I’m… Maybe Brian knows something you don’t? I don’t think he’d do something so reckless if he wasn’t sure himself.”

Yuzuru doesn’t like what Javi’s been telling him but he also trusts Brian. Brian was there for him when he was going through the same thing Shoma seems to be experiencing right now.

“Maybe. I really don’t know. He’s also saying that he’s not giving Shoma any pills anymore, but I have eyes and I can see that Shoma’s body’s not behaving naturally.”

“I just think we should all wait. Maybe it really is a miracle and Shoma’s body is handling this way better than we’d all expected.”

Javi chuckles. “Since when are you so optimistic?”

Yuzuru shrugs. “I just want to believe that at least something good can come out of this.”

Javier finally lets go of the side of the pool and places his hand on Yuzuru’s knee. There are dents and creases in his palm.

“You should stop blaming yourself,” he says.

“That’s easier said than done,” Yuzuru replies. “I miss him,” he adds a while later.

“Hey, maybe you’re right. Maybe tonight will show that he’s ready to interact with anybody and maybe you’ll be able to visit him too after that.”

Yuzuru’s eyes light up. “You think so?”

“I mean, I’m still side-eyeing whatever is going on with that boy of yours but you’re right, I shouldn’t rule out the possibility. Even if he’s small, there’s a lot of strength in his body.”

***

It’s later that day when Yuzuru hears a commotion behind his door. There is a couple of voices talking over each other and giggling before someone knocks.

When Yuzuru open the door, there are five smiling faces staring at him.

“We have some news,” Boyang states, peeking over Nathan’s head.

“Can we come in?” Karen chirps.

“Um… yeah, sure.” Yuzuru opens the door wider and lets them all in. “I don’t have anything for you to sit on…”

“That’s okay. We’ll just sit on the floor,” Nathan says, already sitting down.

Yuzuru knows why they’re in his room, so he just sits down between Mai and Wakaba, and asks them to tell him.

That results in a tangle of words that Yuzuru can’t decipher because everyone wants to be the first one to share whatever happened with him. Wakaba is jumping up and down with excitement and Nathan keeps trying to shush others, so he can start talking.

“Okay. One after another, please. Or I won’t know anything,” Yuzuru asks them.

“Can I start?” Nathan requests and the rest of the group nods.

“Okay, so… We got there, and he was there, right.” He gestures with his hands, trying to paint the situation. “Javi told us that he might be sleepy, and that not all of us might be able to go there and talk to him. So, we were all just standing there, waiting, and then Javi told me to go with him and that he thinks Shoma might be ready to talk with us. So, I went and yeah.”

Karen rolls her eyes. “Nathan, Yuzuru doesn’t care about this.”

Nathan looks offended. “It’s background info. He should be allowed to—“

“Anyway,” Boyang interrupts him. “He’s feeling things! And it’s so cool.”

“Yeah,” Wakaba joins him. “He actually smiled at us and laughed, and he has this really high-pitched laugh.”

“It’s amazing,” Mai says. “It’s like… I hadn’t even thought about what his face might look like when he’s experiencing emotions, but it’s so funny.”

“What’s funny about it?” Yuzuru asks.

“The whole thing,” Boyang says. “He can’t control it yet, so he just burst out laughing and wasn’t able to stop.” He turns a bit more serious before he continues. “Brian said that it’s normal though and that we shouldn’t be bothered by it.”

Yuzuru sees their thrilled faces and can’t help feeling jealous. They’ve all seen Shoma laugh. They’ve probably seen the crinkles by his eyes. They might’ve seen him scrunch his nose. Yuzuru remembers him doing that before when he was practicing. Does Shoma even scrunch his nose when he actually laughs? Yuzuru would like to know.

Yuzuru smiles to himself. “So, he’s better.”

“Yeah,” Nathan says. “Well… he’s still struggling with both his power and his emotions, and it seems that both are stronger than him at the moment, but Brian wants him back at the camp as soon as possible. He wants him to get used to everyday situations and to the way he might experience them, and he can’t do that at the hospital.”

“Isn’t it too soon for that?” Yuzuru asks.

“Nah.” Boyang swats his hand. “He’s really okay. Or, at least he seems to be okay. He reacts the same way any other person would react, maybe sometimes a bit too strongly and other times he doesn’t react at all, but I think it’s because of what Nate talked about.”

“You mean, his powers and his emotions clashing?”

“Yeah. He’s depended on his powers all his life without realising. It’s obvious that they’re still stronger than him and he doesn’t know how to control them. He’s doing pretty well though. I don’t think I’d be able to handle it that well were I in his shoes.”

Everybody around Boyang nods.

Yuzuru chuckles in embarrassment. “This might sound stupid but… what are his powers?”

“Oh,” Boyang exclaims. “He can’t feel.”

There’s silence and then Yuzuru smiles. “Okay, that was funny but what is his power actually?”

“No, that’s it,” Wakaba says. “Boyang didn’t explain it well but Shoma can basically block his feelings. That’s what he’s been doing all his life. His power was too strong and it had been blocking everything he might’ve felt until the emotions got stronger than the power itself.”

Yuzuru swallows hard. So, he didn’t actually trigger Shoma’s power. He made Shoma feel something so strong that the power couldn’t fight it anymore. The shield that Shoma had used his power for all his life has been cracking until Yuzuru set the final blow and it went tumbling down.

“Did he ask about me?”

It slips without Yuzuru meaning it to.

The group’s faces fall.

Mai shakes her head. “No. But we didn’t spend much time with him anyway. It was quite late, and Brian still needed to run some tests. We didn’t talk much and Shoma was tired. I’m sure that if we’d spent more time with him, he would’ve asked about you.”

“Actually,” Nathan interrupts her, “Brian wanted us to tell you that if you’d like, you can come to the hospital tomorrow. He said that Shoma might react to you more strongly but that he’s been monitoring his reactions to everything, and he thinks it’s safe for you to be there.”

“What does Javi think?” Yuzuru asks. He hates that he needs to ask, and he can’t just trust Brian’s word, but he knows how Javi looked yesterday.

“Javi didn’t say anything,” Karen supplies. “But he was training with Shoma before we came.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Mai says. “He was making him feel different kinds of things and watching for his reaction. It was fun to watch him block some but struggle with others. It will take him some time to learn it.”

Yuzuru smiles at that but he can’t help but feel a lump that’s starting to form in his throat. It won’t disappear no matter what and Yuzuru doesn’t know why. He should be happy about this new development, ecstatic even, but something’s stopping him.

“Well, we don’t want to keep you from sleeping,” Nathan says and gets up. “We just wanted to tell you that it’s all going well, and you shouldn’t worry.”

They all make their way out of the door, bidding their goodbyes.

“Just give Javi or Brian a call if you feel like going. They’re spending their night at the hospital to make sure that everything is really as it seems.”

Nathan winks at Yuzuru and then his head full of curls disappears behind the corner.

Yuzuru closes the door and leans his back against it, sliding down until he hits the floor. The lump in his throat is still there and it has been joined by a weird churning in his belly.

He wants to see Shoma so badly. He misses his face, his hair, his kind eyes. He misses the way Shoma looked at him. He misses the way Shoma’s voice sounded when he said his name. He misses his small hands and his tiny frame. He misses waking up next to him and he wants it back.

Yuzuru fishes the phone out of his pocket, ready to dial Brian’s number, when he notices a message.

It’s from Keiji.

_ Can I call you? _

Yuzuru frowns.

Keiji and he text regularly to stay in contact, but they almost never talk over the phone. It’s unusual for Keiji to call him. Yuzuru hopes nothing bad has happened to him.

He taps the button with the green telephone and waits for Keiji to pick up, anxiously biting his lip.

“Hello?” Keiji says on the other end of the line.

“Hi. Are you okay?” Yuzuru asks.

Keiji is quiet for some time before he speaks again.

“Yeah? Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I read your message and—“

“Oh, yeah. I didn’t mean to scare you. But I talked to Javi and he told me. How are you holding up?”

Yuzuru frowns. “Since when do you talk to Javi?”

There’s a pause again. Yuzuru is once again reminded of why they don’t do this. Messages are never this awkward.

“He just called me. I don’t know. We… we figured that you might want to talk to someone outside the camp?”

Keiji keeps stopping mid-sentence and apologising. He obviously doesn’t know how to approach this situation. He probably doesn’t even know what’s been happening. 

“Um…” Keiji hesitates again. “If you don’t want to talk about it, then tell me. I’ll understand.”

Yuzuru considers apologising to him and hanging up but Keiji’s one of the few people who has known him before he became special or whatever he is. He’s known him since they were kids and even though they’re not as close as they used to be, getting an outsider’s perspective on everything that’s been going on with him doesn’t sound that bad.

“No. It’s… it’s okay. What did Javi tell you?”

Keiji starts a monologue that lasts for more than five minutes and at the end of it, Yuzuru feels like he’s just been reiterated the last month and a half of his life. It’s quite disturbing how much Keiji knows. Which means that Javi knows as much.

“Have I forgotten something?” Keiji asks when he’s done.

“Not really, except… I think I’m gonna go see him tomorrow.”

“Are you sure?” Keiji says. His voice is full of doubt and Yuzuru doesn’t like that.

“I’m not sure. I’m nervous about seeing him again but I miss him.”

“Do you think it’s a good idea to go see him after the last time?”

“What do you mean?”

Yuzuru stands up and goes to lay on his bed. He throws the duvet over himself and inhales the scent that almost isn’t there anymore. He’s realising that it’s become his coping mechanism, but he honestly doesn’t care.

“Do you think it’s good for him to see you again so soon?” Keiji repeats his question

“He’s better though. He’s doing well. Everyone says so.” Yuzuru’s voice quivers.

Keiji doesn’t say anything.

There’s a sinking feeling in the pit of Yuzuru’s stomach and Yuzuru doesn’t know how to get rid of it.

Shoma is okay or maybe not okay, but he’s on his way there. He reacted well to everyone he’s met.

“And you think he’ll react the same way to you?” Keiji probes and Yuzuru realises he must’ve said all of that out loud.

“Do you?” he mumbles.

“I don’t think anything. I am asking you. Do you think he will react to you the same way he’s reacted to everyone else?”

Yuzuru bites his lip. He’s been doing that a lot lately and he curses himself and turns on his side to grab a lip balm from one of the drawers in his nightstand.

He starts applying it onto his lips when Keiji speaks again.

“Yuzuru?”

“I have no idea how he might react. Is that what you want me to say? I am scared of how he might react. I’m scared that he might hate me because I’ve put him through this. I’m scared that he’s afraid of me and all the different ways I might harm him. I’m scared that he won’t even want to see me. And the fact that he apparently didn’t even ask about me scares me the most.”

Yuzuru takes a deep breath and throws the lip balm back into the drawer.

“Javi talked about that,” Keiji says, pronouncing each word carefully.

“Wait. What did Javi tell you?”

“Just that Shoma never talks about you. That’s why I was surprised that you want to go meet him especially since he might come back so soon.”

Keiji is blunt. He’s always been blunt which is the reason for why he and Yuzuru sometimes clashed. But he never coddled Yuzuru. He always told him what he thought and how he felt, and he is doing the same right now.

Yuzuru puts his bottom lip between his teeth again and grimaces when he realises it’s sticky from the lip balm.

“You don’t think I should go there.”

It’s not a question.

“I just don’t want you to make any quick decisions. Promise me you’ll think about this, okay? I know that you miss him, and you want to see him, but I also don’t want you to rush things only because they seem to be going well at the moment.”

“Did Javi want you to tell me this?”

Keiji doesn’t say anything and that’s the only answer Yuzuru needs.

“Are you angry with me?” Keiji whispers.

“No.” Yuzuru sighs. “I’m not angry with neither of you. I guess you’re right. I might’ve gotten carried away, and both Shoma and I should probably wait until he’s back at the camp.”

“I think that’s a good idea,” Keiji says.

They talk for a few more minutes before Keiji excuses himself because he apparently has a date planned. Yuzuru needs to ask him about it and tease him relentlessly later, but now he’s glad that Keiji had to go because it’s gotten late, and he’s struggling to keep his eyes open.

Yuzuru looks at Brian’s name in his list of contacts but then locks his phone and puts it on silent.

***

Shoma is sitting opposite him and just stares at him. There are no apparent emotions on his face. He seems as if he didn’t even register that Yuzuru is in front of him.

He’s quite pale just like the lights in the room. The air is sterile and doesn’t allow Yuzuru to breathe properly. The chair he’s sitting on is uncomfortable and keeps digging into different parts of his body. He doesn’t remember them being like this the last time he was in the hospital.

“Has he been like this the whole time?” Yuzuru asks Javi who’s in the room with them.

“Yeah. It’s normal,” Javi says, unbothered. “Do you want me to leave you two alone?”

“No,” Shoma speaks for the first time, startling Yuzuru. His voice sounds cold and his features are hard. He’s not looking at Yuzuru, his eyes are set on Javi.

“Shoma?” Yuzuru whispers, his voice shaking. “It’s me.”

Shoma’s eyes shift to him and his look is so piercing that Yuzuru has to look away.

“I know that it’s you. That’s why I don’t want you here.” He increases the volume of his voice. “Javi, get him out of here. I don’t want him here.”

It stings but Yuzuru won’t give up. He needs to understand what is going on. There must be a reason for all of this.

He focuses on Shoma and that’s when it hits him with full force — the hatred, the spite, the disgust. Shivers run all over his body, but he won’t budge. There still must be some remnants, just something resembling what Shoma had felt before. Something. Anything. It might be covered in all this grudge, but something must remain.

“STOP!” Shoma shouts from the top of his lungs. “Stop rummaging in my head. Get out!” He screams. “I don’t want you anywhere near me. GET OUT!”

“Yuzuru! Yuzuru,” Han stresses. “Yuzuru, wake up!”

Yuzuru finally opens his eyes into the darkness of his own bedroom. He’s covered in cold sweat and can’t catch his breath.

He doesn’t know how Han got into the room and he doesn’t even care. He holds onto him for dear life, his nails digging into his back. He rests his head onto Han’s shoulder and tries to get rid of the tears that are stinging his eyes.

“It’s okay. It was just a nightmare,” Han tries to calm him down, rubbing his back. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

Once the panic subsides, the tears finally start falling down Yuzuru’s face in endless streams. His body shakes with every sob that escapes his mouth and he must be leaving snot all over Han’s t-shirt. Han doesn’t care though. He just holds him and keeps talking in his soothing voice. Yuzuru can’t decipher what he’s saying but he lets himself be comforted by his words.

“I can’t,” he finally lets out. “I can’t do it, Han.”

“Shhh, shhh. You don’t have to do anything. It’s okay,” Han says, stroking Yuzuru’s hair. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. It’s okay.”

“I can’t go there. I can’t train with him. I can’t… I can’t face him.” Hearing himself say those words only makes them that much more real and Yuzuru starts crying again.

“Do you want me to call Brian?”

“Yeah,” Yuzuru says but then shakes his head. “Actually, no.” He wipes the tears off his face with his palm. “It’s too late. I’m sure he’s sleeping.”

“I don’t care if he’s sleeping or not. I am calling him and telling him.”

He pulls out his phone and dials Brian’s number. He then looks at Yuzuru haltingly. “What am I telling him?”

Yuzuru smiles through his tears. “Just… just give me the phone.” He extends his arms and Han hands him the phone.

“Hello?”

“Brian?” Yuzuru squeaks and then clears his throat.

“Yuzu? Are you okay? It’s four in the morning. Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“I… Could I ask you something?”

“Yes, of course.”

Yuzuru looks at Han who nods his head encouragingly.

“Do you think Javi could take over my group? At least for a while?” Yuzuru asks, his voice shaking.

Han reaches towards him with his hand and Yuzuru takes it to steady himself.

“Yeah. I’m sure that can be arranged but… Are you okay?” Brian sounds distressed and Yuzuru doesn’t want to worry him, but he also doesn’t want to lie to him.

“No, I’m not,” Yuzuru says.

“Okay. Listen, I’ll be at the camp tomorrow morning.” Brian pauses. “Or today morning actually. In a few hours. Could you meet me in my office?”

Yuzuru nods and then realises that Brian can’t see him.

“Yeah,” he says softly.

“Try to get some sleep, okay? Is there anyone with you?”

“Yeah. Han’s with me,” Yuzuru says and Han squeezes his hand at the words.

“Good. Do you need anything right now?”

“No, no. Tomorrow morning is fine. I just… I just needed to tell you.”

“I’ll let Javi know. Take care of yourself, Yuzu,” Brian says tiredly.

Yuzuru shouldn’t have woken him up because of this.

Han takes the phone from him and talks to Brian for a while before he hangs up.

He lays down next to Yuzuru and drags Yuzuru on top of him. Yuzuru welcomes his embrace and snuggles closer to him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Han asks, cradling the back of Yuzuru’s head.

“Not really,” Yuzuru mutters.

“Let’s sleep then,” Han says, kissing the top of Yuzuru’s head.

***

“Your eyes are all blotchy,” Han says, grabbing Yuzuru’s head in his hands and putting some concealer around them.

“What even is that?” Yuzuru looks at whatever Han’s putting all over his eyes.

“Stop moving,” Han stresses, holding Yuzuru more firmly and dabbing the substance all over his face. “Brian is going to be here in a minute and we don’t want him to think that you’ve been crying all night, do we?”

Yuzuru shakes his head. “No, but I also don’t want him to think that I am joining a drag show.”

Han smacks him on the head.

“No abuse in my camp,” Brian announces at the door.

Both Yuzuru and Han turn to him and Yuzuru instinctively grabs Han’s hand.

Brian sits down behind his desk and narrows his eyes. “How are you feeling?”

“A bit better. Thank you.”

Brian frowns and leans across the desk, stretching out his arm and touching Yuzuru’s face with his fingers. He brings them closer to his eyes and inspects them.

“I knew about this trick back then and I haven’t forgotten,” he says, rubbing his fingers together. He looks at Han. “You didn’t even blend it properly.”

Han looks down as if he just got properly scolded.

The smile leaves Brian’s face and he addresses Yuzuru again, seriously this time. “Are you alright? You scared me a bit yesterday.”

Yuzuru swallows. This is the last thing he wanted to do.

“I just don’t think I am ready to talk to him yet. I thought I was but I’m not. I think I need more time and I think he needs more time as well.”

“And you want Javi to take over your group because…”

“Because I don’t want to complicate things for Shoma because of myself. He deserves to stay in the same group he is now, and he deserves to be with his friends,” Yuzuru tries to explain what he means but he doesn’t know if he’s even making any sense.

“I understand. I’ve talked to Javi and I’ve talked to your group.” Brian pauses and then adds, “I’ve talked to Shoma as well.” He folds his hands at the top of the desk. “I understand if you still need time and don’t want to spend your time with Shoma alone. I understand if you need more time to prepare yourself.”

“I’m sorry,” Yuzuru says. “I know that you trusted me to handle my position this year and I failed.”

“Yuzuru, you didn’t fail. No one knew that you’d have to deal with what you’re dealing with. Your powers were acting up, you had to work with a group of new people who came here, and you had to guide them, and one of them got triggered while you were present. This isn’t a normal situation. Nobody expects you to be fine. You are handling it incredibly well considering all you’ve been through. The least we can do is provide you with more time.”

“Thank you, Brian.”

Yuzuru doesn’t know how to express his gratitude. He especially appreciates that Brian’s told everyone already because he knows he wouldn’t be able to do that himself.

“Don’t mention it. I can do this for you. I just can’t promise you that you won’t run into him in the camp. I can’t police where he’s going, and you’re going to meet sooner or later,” Brian points out.

“I figured…”

“You might meet sooner rather than later,” Brian says carefully.

Yuzuru and Han look at him in confusion.

“He’s coming back today.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to, come talk to me!!!
> 
> twitter: @damnquads  
> fanfic twitter: @damnquadsfic  
> tumblr: quadamn.tumblr.com


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone. Long time, no see. Hahahaha.. welp. Anyway, thank you for all the comments and kudos! I love you all! This chapter is for everyone who's been waiting for it even though I haven't been able to update in more than two months because I am a flop. Special shout out to Tala for being a sunshine. ♥ And a big thank you to theseventhmarch for being the best beta there is and conquering English with me. <3
> 
> I hope you all like the new chapter.

It takes Yuzuru a few seconds to register the words and what they mean. He blinks at Brian and tries to swallow but the dryness in his throat doesn’t let him.

“What do you mean today? When?” he says. He can hear his own voice trembling.

“I don’t know,” Brian replies nonchalantly. “Mihoko is with him at the moment. She’s helping him pack. It shouldn’t take long for them to arrive here.”

Yuzuru can hear Han wince next to him and he realises he’s been squeezing his hand all this time. He lets go and looks at him apologetically.

“You didn’t expect him to be back so quickly, right?” Brian continues.

Yuzuru shakes his head.

He knows Shoma coming back is inevitable. He isn’t trying to pretend otherwise. He still hoped it would take a bit longer. He doesn’t even know why. Knowing that Shoma is ready to be back at the camp should make him happy. Knowing that Shoma is healthy enough to be with his friends again should be what he wants. And he does want it. He wants for Shoma to be okay again and enjoy life. Yet there’s this unexplainable pressure that has set in his stomach ever since the words about Shoma’s return left Brian’s mouth.

Brian licks his lips and lowers his voice as if there was somebody else in the room who could overhear this conversation.

“Do you want me to make it so you don’t have to see him at all?” he asks.

Yuzuru quickly shakes his head. “No.”

They will have to meet eventually. Brian’s said so himself. Avoiding it would only make it worse. Yuzuru isn’t ready to spend time with Shoma alone and he isn’t ready to talk to him. Avoiding him completely isn’t part of the plan though. He doesn’t want to hide in the bushes whenever Shoma’s near. He doesn’t want to go to the dining hall only when Shoma’s left. He doesn’t want to lock himself in his room and mope. He’s been doing that lately already.

“Okay.” Brian tries to smile but his forehead is still filled with troubled wrinkles. “If you need anything, don’t hesitate to reach out.”

“I will.”

***

The pebbles are crunching under their feet as Yuzuru and Han make their way back to Yuzuru’s room. Yuzuru kicks one and watches as it tumbles and rolls for a few seconds before it stops.

“Hey,” Han says, stopping in front of the dining hall. “Do you want something to eat? I could go and fetch us something.”

Yuzuru nods. “I’ll go with you.”

“Nah, that’s okay.” Han swats his hand at him. “It won’t take long. You can stay here.” He turns to enter the building but then faces Yuzuru once again. “Do you want anything in particular?”

“Anything without bell peppers will be fine.”

“Noted.” Han chuckles and then disappears behind the door.

Yuzuru leans against the wall of the building and crosses his legs. Shrieks and laughter can be heard from the dining hall which must be full at this time of day with everybody getting their morning doses of energy.

A few minutes pass and Yuzuru considers going into the dining hall after all because he’s sure Han’s gotten caught up in a conversation with someone and he won’t see his breakfast if he doesn’t interfere. He pushes himself off the wall when he hears footsteps accompanied by two voices.

“Are you sure you want to go?” Mihoko asks. “I could get you something myself and bring it to your room. You should rest.”

Yuzuru freezes.

“I’m okay.”

Hearing Shoma’s voice again makes Yuzuru’s heart speed up and his palms start to sweat. He doesn’t know whether to stay or leave as quickly as he can.

The footsteps suddenly stop.

“I’m capable of getting myself breakfast, Mihoko. Thank you but you really don’t have to go with me.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Shoma says and it’s as if Yuzuru can hear a smile in his voice. “I don’t want you to go with me. It’s a bit…” He pauses. “Embarrassing.”

Mihoko laughs. “Okay then. I wouldn’t want you to feel embarrassed.”

Yuzuru bites his lip to stop himself from smiling at the idea of Shoma being embarrassed. He imagines Shoma looking down and maybe getting red in the face. Yuzuru wonders what Shoma looks like when he blushes. Maybe he’d stumble over his words or maybe he’d try to hide his face in his hands. What if he whines when he’s embarrassed? Yuzuru suddenly has the urge to see, to know.

He gets so lost in his own little fantasy that he doesn’t even realise the footsteps are back before he’s met with two small feet in beige trainers.

Yuzuru looks up and sees big brown eyes looking back at him. They’re as big as the last time he saw them, maybe even bigger. The face is the same but new at the same time. 

It is Shoma. Yuzuru knows that. He hasn’t seen him in a while but he could recognise that face anywhere. Every little detail of it. And yet, he can’t shake off the feeling. It’s as if he was seeing it for the first time. 

Shoma blinks at him and that’s when it clicks.

Yuzuru can see it in the way Shoma’s eyes flicker all over his face, not knowing where to settle. He can see it in the way Shoma’s started to absentmindedly play with his fingers because he doesn’t know what to do with his hands. He can see it in how Shoma’s biting his bottom lip in a way that seems to be very painful.

He can see it in the way Shoma’s face falls soon after realising that the person standing in front of him is Yuzuru, turning his back to him and walking away.

Yuzuru wants to say something but is startled by a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, you okay? Did I interrupt something or…” Han says but when Yuzuru turns to him, he sees him looking at the place where Shoma was standing just a while ago.

So, Han saw him too.

Yuzuru clears his throat. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” He shakes his head, trying to make sense of what just happened. “What did you get me?”

Han starts explaining how he only managed to get an apple and a chocolate bar because there wasn’t anything left and then Boyang wanted to chat about something, but Yuzuru stops listening when he hears Shoma’s voice again. It’s so quiet that if Yuzuru hadn’t memorised it, hadn’t engraved what every single word uttered from those lips sounded like, he wouldn’t have picked up anything.

“Shoma, what happened?” Mihoko stresses.

“I’m not hungry,” Shoma retorts.

“Will you tell me what happened? Shoma? Shoma!”

“Hey, Yuzuru!” Han starts waving with his hand in front of Yuzuru’s face. “You’re with me?”

“Yeah, sorry.”

Yuzuru feels like running after Shoma and asking him if everything’s okay. He soon realises how stupid that would be. Obviously everything isn’t okay judging by Shoma’s reaction after seeing him.

Yuzuru didn’t dare to dream that maybe after coming back, Shoma would be the same. He knows it is foolish because Shoma is different now. Shoma could feel and that means he is someone else compared to who he was before. Still Yuzuru hoped, at least a little bit, that the old Shoma would still be there.

Everyone told him that he still acts the same, that the only difference is that he could actually laugh now, joke and be angry. But deep down, he is still Shoma. The same Shoma who couldn’t sleep at night because Boyang started levitating above his bed, the same Shoma who complained that Nathan couldn’t shut up about Mai, the same Shoma who was thoughtful and spent hours talking with Satoko.

The same Shoma who put way too much sugar into his hot cocoa. The same Shoma who couldn’t sleep when Yuzuru left the bed in the morning. The same Shoma who held Yuzuru’s hand during a horror movie.

Would he hold it now? Would he watch a horror movie with Yuzuru at all? Would he even want to be in the same room with him?

Yuzuru didn’t dare to dream. Maybe that’s why he’s not surprised at Shoma’s reaction. He almost expected this. He didn’t dare to dream and yet he couldn’t help but hope. There was this sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe, Shoma would come back and they would pick up where they left off. Maybe Shoma would love him too. But even that is gone now.

Yuzuru and Han continue to head to Yuzuru’s room. Han keeps both apples and Yuzuru’s chocolate bar because Yuzuru’s lost his appetite.

They walk in silence and Yuzuru knows it’s only a question of time before Han asks.

“This is awkward,” Yuzuru states.

Han visibly relaxes and bites into one of the apples. “It is,” he says with his mouth full. “I didn’t mean to interfere with whatever was going on inside your head. You seemed pretty immersed, dude. Did he tell you something?”

Yuzuru shakes his head. “No, he didn’t say anything.”

“Maybe he got surprised at seeing you here?” Han takes another bite of the apple and starts munching. The apple crunches between his teeth. “I think I would be quite shocked if the first person I saw after coming back to the camp was… well… I don’t know what you are to him but you get the picture.”

Yuzuru abruptly stops near two boulders and sits on one, taking one apple from Han and angrily biting into it.

“That’s the problem. I don’t know what I am to him either.”

Han looks a bit spooked but sits down next to Yuzuru, asking quietly, “What do you mean?”

Yuzuru shrugs. “I have no idea where we stand. I don’t know how he feels about me or if he feels anything towards me at all. I don’t know if I messed something up by triggering him and now he has me connected with that night in the woods. I don’t know if maybe his power straight up deleted anything he could’ve felt for me and now he just sees this person but doesn’t feel a damn thing.” He buries his face in his hands. “You should’ve seen how he looked at me, Han.”

There’s a pause and then.

“I saw it.”

Yuzuru looks up and sighs. “And?”

“Well…” It’s obvious Han doesn’t want to say whatever he’s thinking. “He looked kinda sad.”

“I think he might’ve been scared at first as well,” Yuzuru adds dejectedly.

“Scared of you?”

“Yeah. I’m not even surprised. I’d be scared of myself too after what I did to him.”

Han throws the apple’s core into the distance. “You need to stop with this stupid self-blaming, Yuzu. You didn’t do anything. Not on purpose at least. And you should give Shoma some credit. He’s not dumb and he knows you’re not an evil witch whose main goal was to trigger his power and make him suffer.”

“I know that but I also know what a trigger does to you. It’s not like he can control what he feels or what the trigger makes him feel. I’ve gone through it, Han. I have something to direct my anger at. The only thing Shoma can direct whatever he’s feeling at is me.”

Han bites the inside of his mouth, thinking.

“I don’t really know what you went through back then and I don’t need to. I also understand if you feel angry at the way your powers were triggered, no matter what way it was. I guess my power can’t be compared to yours or Shoma’s but…” He looks at Yuzuru. “I truly don’t think there’s any reason for him to hate you.”

“You’re right. Your power can’t be compared to ours,” Yuzuru mumbles, playing with the peel of the apple and pressing his nails into it. It doesn’t look as tasty as it did a minute ago.

“What?” Han asks.

“Nothing.” Yuzuru tears off a small bit of the apple and throws it on the ground. His fingers are starting to become sticky from the juice.

Han sighs and stands up. “Others can’t help you if you don’t want to help yourself, Yuzu. You can stay here and mope or you can do something about it and face the consequences. You can go to Mihoko and ask her about Shoma. There’s a possibility that you won’t like the answer she’ll give you but it’s still better than this.” He motions with his hand towards Yuzuru. “Whatever it is.”

Yuzuru silently bows his head and Han approaches him. His voice is softer this time.

“Yuzu?”

Han crouches in front of him and puts a comforting hand on his arm, rubbing it soothingly with his thumb. Yuzuru still doesn’t look at him, his eyes set on the apple in his hand.

Han reaches out and takes it from him.

“Who are you doing this for?”

Yuzuru looks up and blinks a few times.

“Are you trying to protect Shoma or yourself?”

Yuzuru doesn’t say anything and Han stands up.

“That’s what I thought,” he says bleakly.

***

Yuzuru locks himself in his room and decides to spend the rest of the day there. He promised himself not to mope but he’s never been good at keeping promises. At least not those he made to himself.

He doesn’t have any classes and he doesn’t have any other responsibilities concerning his group because he doesn’t have a group anymore. Not even a training partner.

He told Han to leave him alone and even though Han asked a few times if he was really sure about that, he eventually left.

Being alone in his room isn’t ideal but it is definitely better than being surrounded by other people. It most certainly is better than seeing Shoma again. It’s not like he isn’t reminded of him wherever he looks anyway.

He can see him in every spot of his room – on his bed, on the floor in front of the TV, by the door. He tries to occupy his mind and play some video games but even those remind him of Shoma. When he listens to music, he is reminded of how Shoma looked when he saw Yuzuru’s headphones, how he looked when he listened to a song with them, how his fingers were tapping against his thigh to the rhythm of the beat.

He tries to sleep. He tries to work on the research for Brian. He tries to do something. Anything. But it’s all in vain. It’s like something is missing. It’s like something is right there and yet Yuzuru can’t reach it.

So close and yet so far.

Yuzuru huffs in frustration and hits the mattress with both of his fists which makes him sit up. He turns on his side and starts rummaging in one of the drawers of his bedside table.

If all distractions failed, he might as well stop avoiding it.

The diary is gone. He gave it back to Brian and it’s probably with Shoma again. Where it should be.

Instead, he finds the book he gave him — the one he’d found when helping Tracy in her office.

Yuzuru smiles sadly, thinking how it hasn’t even been that long but it seems like months since he was there. So much has happened.

He picks up the book and blows on the cover. Small particles of dust start fluttering in the air, tickling Yuzuru’s nose and causing him to sneeze.

He hasn’t read the book before giving it to Shoma. He hasn’t even looked through it closely.

He begins leafing through it and soon realises it’s mostly just filled with different kinds of emotions and their descriptions. Most of them are quite ridiculous and they almost make him laugh. The descriptions are sometimes so odd that he doesn’t get how someone who hasn’t felt them could understand them but he’s also learnt not to underestimate Shoma.

There are some more complex emotions when he starts reading more carefully. Some of them he knows, some of them he’s sure the author must’ve made up or just found written somewhere and thought they were interesting enough to put them in a book. He’s almost certain he has never felt  _ ruinenlust  _ or hasn’t noticed someone else feel it. He wonders since when is taking pleasure in ruins considered an emotion but he doesn’t spare it much thought and quickly turns the page.

There is another German word for an emotion that he finds –  _ torschlusspanik _ . Yuzuru tries to pronounce it a few times in his head and then even out loud but he’s sure he’s not saying it correctly.

He reads about the fear of time running out and one not having enough of it to act and finds it all too familiar. He thinks back to that day six years ago and how he felt that there wasn’t enough time for him to get out, to run away, to save himself. He doesn’t know how to pronounce this emotion but he’s sure it exists.

He smiles when a familiar word catches his eye a few pages back.

_ Mono no aware _ .

Yuzuru hasn’t encountered many people who’ve felt it. He knows that he’s one of those few who know this feeling closely. He knows his mum’s felt it. He’s caught Brian a few times during the last day of the camp, looking into the distance with a wistful expression on his face, and he’s sure he felt it too. Even if Brian probably didn’t realise an emotion like this existed.

He remembers feeling it with Satoko a lot. They used to spend a lot of time together last year. They just lay together in the grass, silent. Both of them taking advantage of the fact that they don’t have to talk. Satoko didn’t have to absorb any new information this way and Yuzuru still felt connected to her because she made him feel what she did. It used to be so calm, so quiet. Until a leaf fell from a tree and flew in the air, and  _ mono no aware _ rushed through both of them.

Slowly, Yuzuru is realising that if Shoma read the book which he saw him do, he might know more about emotions than Yuzuru does despite never feeling them. Yuzuru might’ve felt them but feeling them was one thing while giving them a specific name and definition was another. Most emotions were a jumbled mess in Yuzuru’s mind and the rest that he learnt about in classes he’s probably forgotten about already.

He thinks about asking Javi to make him feel  _ schadenfreude  _ and Javi not having a clue what that even is when he notices another emotion he’s never seen before.

_ Saudade – The presence of absence. _

Yuzuru swallows but keeps reading even if every word hits him harder than the previous one. He looks at the door and sees it, tastes it, feels it. He looks at the TV and is reminded of the twig in Shoma’s hair. He smiles at the memory before he realises that all of that is gone and sadness overcomes him again. The shirt he lent him that one rainy day is still draped over the chair, never to be worn by Shoma again. He’s everywhere and yet he’s nowhere. Yuzuru could run out of his room and find him but he knows he can’t.

So close and yet so far.

Yuzuru is looking at the door, remembering a dishevelled Shoma standing there, rubbing his eye and asking him if he can stay the night, when the handle moves.

Yuzuru is harshly brought back to reality. He swiftly closes the book and wipes away any tears that might’ve left his eyes.

One head peeks through and whispers, “Are you sleeping?”

Yuzuru clears his throat. “Um, no, not actually.”

“Can we come in?” another voice, this time more high-pitched one, asks.

Yuzuru knows he said that he wanted to be alone but he also misses his group like crazy and he can’t refuse them wanting to spend some time with him.

“Yeah,” he replies.

Boyang, Wakaba and Mai shuffle into his room and then the door closes.

Yuzuru chuckles. “Do you plan to check in on me in turns?”

Mai huffs and crosses her arms.

Wakaba bites her lip and looks at Boyang.

The tension in the room that just appeared takes Yuzuru by surprise and it doesn’t help that it seems he’s the one who’s created it.

“Did I… did I say something wrong?” he asks.

“Um…,” Boyang starts. “You know…”

“He’s a dumbass. Yuzuru should know,” Mai says, plopping down onto his bed.

The way she’s frowning and pouting at the same time would be cute if Yuzuru couldn’t tell how seriously hurt she is.

“What happened?” Yuzuru makes space, so Wakaba can sit next to Mai and put a comforting arm around her shoulders.

Boyang sits down next to Yuzuru but he seems like he doesn’t know how to approach this subject. His eyes keep flicking from Mai to Yuzuru before Wakaba sighs and replies herself.

“Nathan is-“

“- a dumbass!” Mai finishes for her.

“Well, it could be said like that, I guess.”

“Will anybody tell me what’s going on?” Yuzuru asks, trying to make sense of the situation.

“Nathan is pissed at you and has made it his mission to protect Shoma from evil basically,” Boyang says, rolling his eyes.

Yuzuru is taken aback. “The evil… being me?”

“That’s what he says.” Wakaba smiles at him reassuringly. “But you’re not, Yuzu. It’s just his bad temper and the fact that he cares about Shoma too much.”

Yuzuru always knew there was something about Nathan that reminded him of himself. Now he knows what that might be.

“If that’s what you wanna call it,” Mai grumbles. “And of course that Karen would take his side. It’s so typical. She can’t break the 2Chenz bond after all.”

“Mai, you know you don’t mean that.” Wakaba rubs her shoulder and Mai relaxes a little bit. “You’re just angry because you and Nathan had a fight.”

Yuzuru blinks at them. “You had a fight?” The idea of Mai and Nathan arguing was so unimaginable to him. “Why?”

“Because he’s a dumbass,” Mai repeats. It seems that she won’t reveal more and Yuzuru understands that.

“How are you doing?” Boyang asks, looking at the book on the bed.

“I’m okay. Actually…” He picks up the book. “I wanted to ask if you could maybe give it back to him?” He hands the book to Boyang who blinks at him a few times in confusion. “To Shoma, I mean. I’ll understand if he doesn’t want it. It was a gift though and I shouldn’t have it.”

Boyang takes the book and looks at it, running his thumb on the side of the cover. “Don’t you want to give it to him yourself?” he asks.

Yuzuru shakes his head.

“It’s not like Nathan would let you go anywhere near Shoma anyway,” Wakaba remarks sarcastically.

“Thankfully Shoma is his own person and can do whatever he wants,” Mai snaps.

“Yeah, well…” Wakaba stands up and smiles awkwardly, shifting her eyes to Mai. “We better go. I think. We just wanted to check on you because we miss you but we need to head back because we wanted to do our nails and hair with Kaori and Zhenya.”

Yuzuru winks at her in understanding. “Of course. I don’t mean to keep them waiting.”

Wakaba takes the few steps that separate them and envelops Yuzuru in a tight hug. The shorter hairs on the side of her head tickle a bit but Yuzuru buries his head in her neck anyway.

“We really do miss you, Yuzu,” Wakaba says softly, her words muffled by his shoulder.

Yuzuru squeezes his eyes shut. They all saw each other yesterday but he understands what Wakaba means. It’s not the same. The ease and simplicity of what they had is gone and Yuzuru knows it won’t come back. They all miss it and he knows he’s going to miss all the days with them he was looking forward to but that will never come even more. 

“I miss you all too,” he whispers back and squeezes Wakaba closer.

When they part, their eyes are shiny but neither of them says anything. They only nod at each other in sympathy.

Yuzuru sniffs and smiles at Boyang. “Are you having your hair and nails done too?”

Boyang chuckles and shows Yuzuru his little finger. The small nail is painted pink. “They tried to make me but I escaped,” he says proudly.

“Don’t worry. We’ll make you wear those pigtails soon,” Wakaba says by the door.

“I’ll fly away and you won’t be able to catch me!”

“You don’t even know how to fly yet!” Wakaba screams and hides behind the door, squeaking.

Boyang grabs the nearest pillow and throws it in her direction but only hits the door.

“Bye, Yuzu!” Wakaba says, running away.

“Bye!” Mai disappears behind the door quickly after her.

Yuzuru shakes his head fondly. It’s so easy to forget about everything that’s happening around them when he sees his group just having fun and teasing each other. Listening to their laughter and teasing is so simple. He wishes everything were as simple as this.

“You know,” Boyang starts. “Han says that I’m making progress, so I don’t know what they’re all about.”

“Be happy you’re not able to fly controllably yet cause I think they’re planning to make you a pair of wings,” Yuzuru giggles.

Boyang widens his eyes. “Did you hear them say something?”

The look of horror on Boyang’s face is hilarious and Yuzuru can’t stop himself from laughing.

“No, I’ve just made it up,” he says between fits of laughter.

“You’re all so mean to me,” Boyang mumbles but crawls to one side of the bed and covers himself in the duvet until only his head is visible. He looks up at Yuzuru expectantly.

“And what are you supposed to be doing?” Yuzuru says fondly.

“This is my ‘Yuzu, can we watch a movie now?’ face.” He flutters his eyelashes a few times at Yuzuru.

“And which one would you like to watch?”

“Can we watch the one about the spiders? The one Kana talked about during the bonfire?” Boyang says and his eyes almost sparkle.

Yuzuru frowns, trying to remember what movie Boyang means. He’s sure Kana must’ve made the movie up just to save his ass and it might not even exist. Well, a little white lie won’t hurt anybody.

Yuzuru scratches his head. “I don’t think I have that one here but… we could watch Spider-Man instead?”

“You have Spider-Man?” Boyang sits up in the bed. “Which one?” He excitedly claps his hands.

“I don’t know. I think I might have more than one actually. They’re all in that box over there.”

Boyang jumps out of the bed and rushes to the box. “Can we watch more than one? I just love Spidey so much!”

Yuzuru shrugs. “Yeah, of course.”

He doesn’t know if Boyang is doing this because he wants to watch movies with Yuzuru or if he noticed the look Yuzuru had on his face when Wakaba said they would have to leave. It’s not important. Whether Boyang is here because he thinks Yuzuru needs him, or whether it’s because he just wants to spend some time watching movies, Yuzuru welcomes it. He selfishly tells himself that maybe Boyang needs him right now too. That maybe he needs a place to run to when everything becomes too much. Yuzuru can be that for him.

Boyang picks the first Spider-Man movie and Yuzuru doesn’t remember if it’s before the radioactive spider bites Peter or after it but he starts dozing off quite quickly. He’s only woken up slightly when the duvet is put over him and a heavy weight presses onto his chest. The softly spoken words that he should keep sleeping is the last thing he hears before sleep takes him again.

***

Yuzuru decides to stop avoiding him. He won’t necessarily try and find him but he won’t be hiding in his room either.

It takes a few days for him to see Shoma again. Apparently he was the one who chose to hide on the second day. Then Brian asked Yuzuru to help at the institute the next one. So it’s three days after Shoma’s come back when Yuzuru gets to see him again.

Yuzuru is sitting in the dining hall accompanied by Boyang and Han when Shoma appears in the doorway. Yuzuru freezes but nobody else in the room looks up from their meals.

Just as expected, Nathan enters the dining hall not long after. He puts his arm around Shoma’s shoulder as if he were his bodyguard and leads him towards the displayed meals.

Yuzuru watches it all in curiosity, trying to understand what’s happening. When they’re passing by their table, Nathan sends them a look that one would probably file into the ‘could kill’ category but Yuzuru’s surprised when it’s not directed at him specifically but rather at Boyang.

Boyang sighs and stabs a broccoli floret with his fork.

“Is everything okay?” Yuzuru asks him.

“No. Nathan keeps acting like a little kid and refuses to talk to me because I am friends with the enemy,” Boyang says with a sarcastic laugh.

Yuzuru bites his lip and looks at Shoma with Nathan picking their meals. Nathan is trying to convince Shoma of something but Shoma seems to be determined on his choice. Nathan visibly sighs and picks both of their trays and carries them over to their usual spots, the table right in front of Yuzuru. The other spot next to Shoma remains painfully empty.

“Maybe… maybe you should go and make amends. I don’t want you to fight with your friends because of me.”

Boyang drops his fork and indignantly turns to Yuzuru. “You are my friend, Yuzuru. And the only person anyone is fighting with right now is Nathan. He should stop shoving his nose into other people’s relationships and clean up the mess he’s made with Mai.”

Yuzuru looks at Han next to him who only lifts an eyebrow, obviously not knowing anything but enjoying any kind of gossip he can get.

“He’s pissed that his relationship with Mai isn’t going the way he’d want it to, so he’s angry at literally everybody around him,” Boyang continues. “And Shoma is too polite to tell him off. Or maybe he acts differently around him. What do I know? It’s not like they both continue talking whenever I enter the room. It’s getting quite annoying.”

The broccoli on his plate is starting to turn into a mush from his never-ending attacks but Boyang doesn’t seem to care and keeps stabbing it over and over again.

Yuzuru looks up and surprisingly sees Shoma looking back, then Shoma’s eyes shift to the right and he stabs his broccoli as well. Yuzuru strains his eyes to make sure that he’s seeing right but yes, the green thing on Shoma’s plate seems to be broccoli, right next to a few slices of pepper, some cherry tomatoes and peas mixed with corn. It seems his plate is filled with vegetables and Nathan is looking at his friend regrettably.

Shoma just stabs the vegetable again and then shoves it in his mouth, chewing with obvious disgust.

Yuzuru frowns as some of the green bits fall off Shoma’s lips.

“What is he doing?”

Boyang looks up. “I don’t know. I guess he’s angry. He did this yesterday in our room as well.”

“But… he hates vegetables. Why would he do that to himself?”

He recoils when he notices Shoma biting into the bell pepper.

“I guess he’s punishing himself. Who even knows at this point,” Boyang says but he doesn’t seem to be concerned.

“Shouldn’t we tell someone? Mihoko maybe?” Yuzuru suggests.

Han chuckles beside him. “He’s eating veggies, Yuzu. I think this is one of the least alarming things in this camp to be honest.” He puts his hand behind Yuzuru’s neck and squeezes it a few times.

Suddenly a loud noise can be heard from the table in front of them and when they both look up, Shoma is murderously looking at a tomato that he’s just stabbed with his fork. There are droplets of red juice on his face and shirt.

“Okay. I admit that this is a bit alarming,” Han whispers.

“Hmm,” Boyang hums, realigning the bits of broccoli on his own plate into different patterns. “He still has some issues. It’s normal.”

Boyang doesn’t seem to be bothered by it one bit but Yuzuru can’t help the chills that just ran down his spine. After all, Shoma was looking at them before he started murdering his vegetables.

“Don’t worry about it, Yuzu. It happens quite often in various forms. The same way he sometimes ends up laughing and not being able to stop,” Boyang says matter-of-factly. “Even though he doesn’t laugh a lot. Brian told us that it will take some time for him to get used to his emotions and to control them.”

The way Boyang says it makes it all seem even more depressing. Yuzuru’s natural need to help keeps screaming that his group is falling apart. That they are all hurting. That neither of them hasn’t smiled in days. At least not when the others are present. The mood is gloomy and Yuzuru wishes to let a little bit of sunshine in. He can’t bring the sunshine anymore. It seems like he’s the rainy cloud that’s hanging above everyone’s heads, blocking the sun from getting through.

Boyang must’ve noticed his pensive face because he speaks up again. “There’s really no need to worry. He goes to regular check-ups and he talks to Mihoko and trains with Javi. I’m sure it’ll get better soon. Javi’s said so.”

Javi… Yuzuru hasn’t seen him ever since Shoma came back. He was so absorbed in his own problems that he almost forgot about him. Forgot that Javi has to deal with the mess that Yuzuru’s left behind. That Javi has to pick up the pieces of what Yuzuru’s broken. He wants to thank him for taking on his group and for training with Shoma but it’s obvious he hasn’t had a chance yet since Javi must be busy most of the time now.

Yuzuru curses himself for being so selfish but he would also like to ask him about Shoma. About how their sessions together are going. If Shoma is making any progress. If he is angry like this often. If he’s sad. If he feels  _ saudade _ like Yuzuru does.

“Will you go watch the match tomorrow?” Boyang asks out of the blue, tearing Yuzuru out of his thoughts.

Yuzuru blinks a few times. “What match?”

“The basketball one. Did we forget to mention it? I thought we talked about it last time.” Boyang starts pondering.

Yuzuru’s not sure if they’ve talked about it or not but it’s not like it really matters. They could’ve told him this morning and he would’ve forgotten anyway. His mind has been unable to focus on anything lately. Anything other than Shoma.

He shrugs. “I don’t know. Are you going, Han?”

“Nah, I have to run some errands but I would’ve gone otherwise.”

“I might come just to cheer on my favourite team,” Yuzuru says with a smile.

Maybe that’s exactly what they need. Maybe a stupid game of basketball will be the thing that unites them. Maybe all it takes is a ball and a backboard. They can all work together with the purpose to win. They can be a team again.

Then he looks back up at Nathan with Shoma again and realises he doesn’t even know what that team looks like now.

***

There is no team. There are six people trying to decide which one of them is not going to play but it almost looks as if every single one of them would welcome it. The division between the two halves is obvious as well. Mai, Wakaba and Boyang stay all together on one side while Nathan, Karen and Shoma on the other. Neither party seems to be looking at each other. Shoma always takes a step forward, closer to Boyang and the girls, but is stopped by Nathan’s strict look every time. Yuzuru hates what happened. He hates what he’s caused.

Yuzuru sees Boyang throw his hands in the air a couple of seconds later and leave the group to join him by the sidelines.

He sits down next to him on the grass, kicking into it a few times, staining his white sneakers.

“Why aren’t you playing?” Yuzuru asks him.

“It’s got no point anyway. Just look at them.” He points towards them with his hand and says what Yuzuru’s been thinking out loud. “That is no team.” He sighs. “Karen won’t talk to Wakaba and Mai because they don’t talk to Nathan. Nathan won’t talk to me and Wakaba because we talk to you. He would probably want to talk to Mai but Mai doesn’t want to talk to him because he messed up, and Shoma… Shoma is caught in the middle of it and doesn’t know who to talk to anymore.”

“I’m so sorry.”

Boyang kicks the grass again. “Don’t apologise. It’s not your fault. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just a messy situation and Nathan would love to solve it by painting you as the villain which is not how it is but it’s difficult to reason with him right now. I know he means well. I’m not even angry with him. I’m angry at this whole situation.”

“I’m sorry,” Yuzuru repeats.

“You didn’t create this situation. Every one of us has messed up. That’s what happens. We just have to deal with it now and maybe try to fix it.”

“Do you think it can be fixed?” Yuzuru looks up at the sound of the whistle and sees the other team take the ball.

He watches the match together with Boyang. Sees how their team loses one point after another. It’s like they’re lifeless today. Wakaba isn’t as fast as she always was. Mai will never pass the ball to Nathan, no matter how good his position is. And their biggest asset, Shoma, doesn’t even get a chance to play because Nathan is always there to catch the ball instead of him.

“I don’t know,” Boyang finally replies, getting up.

Yuzuru doesn’t want to leave him alone now, so he follows him to the pool.

Boyang picks the place that is hidden from the outside view by a building and lays down on the grass.

Yuzuru stands above him, unsure whether following him was a good idea after all or if he should get up and let him be.

“She thinks he’s cheating on her,” Boyang says, not opening his eyes.

Yuzuru is taken by surprise but he sits down next to Boyang and lets him speak.

“Mai?”

“Yeah.” Boyang grabs a few stems of the grass and tears it off, throwing it nearby. “He’s started spending all his time without us, especially during the evenings, and he acts sketchy as hell.” He opens one eye, grimacing as the light hits it and putting his arm over his head to shield it. “You know, I wouldn’t hold it against him. All of us need to spend some time alone sometimes but he’s been acting weird and doesn’t want to talk to us anymore. It started even before Shoma came back but neither of us thought any of it.”

Yuzuru frowns. “Did you try asking him about it?”

“That’s the weirdest thing. Mai started to worry because he didn’t use to keep stuff from her, so she asked him and he went off on her, telling her it’s none of her business where he spends his time and whatnot. She’s been quite badly shaken up about it ever since.”

“Why haven’t you told me anything about it?” Yuzuru asks. “I could’ve helped.”

Boyang shakes his head against the grass. “Nah, you have enough on your plate already. We didn’t mean to bother you with what seemed like a trivial relationship trouble.”

Yuzuru can’t help but notice the past tense. He bites his lip. “And is it?” he asks. “Is it trivial?”

Boyang shrugs. “I don’t know. I don’t understand him and he’s not making it better by not talking to us.” He sits up, sighing. “I understand if he doesn’t want to talk to me because I talk to you. I think it’s childish and stupid but I guess I could get his reasoning for it. What I don’t understand is why he won’t tell Mai what’s going on. She told him she won’t speak to him until he stops acting like an idiot and explains what he’s been up to but he refuses to do that.

“Then there’s Karen, of course, who obviously knows what Nathan is doing but she refuses to tell any of us which means that Mai suspects Nathan is cheating on her with Karen. Which is the stupidest thing I have ever heard but no matter how many times Karen tries to convince Mai that nobody is cheating on anybody, she won’t believe her.”

“Why doesn’t Mai believe her? She can tell whether she’s telling the truth or not,” Yuzuru points out. “Is her power not working?”

Boyang shakes his head. “No, I think it works alright but I guess that isn’t enough for her. I think she needs Nathan to tell her what is going on but he refuses to do that.” He throws his arms into the air. “I feel like I’m in a telenovela.”

Yuzuru chuckles despite knowing that he shouldn’t. He just doesn’t know what to say. He didn’t realise the situation was this bad and he’s never had to deal with any kind of relationship drama before.

“You know what the worst thing is though?” Boyang asks.

“Um… no.”

“Shoma,” Boyang says unexpectedly.

Yuzuru wants to start defending him because Shoma just got back and whatever he’s doing isn’t intentional. He can sympathise with him.

But Boyang doesn’t let him.

“Shoma doesn’t deserve this mess,” he continues before Yuzuru can utter a single word.

“Oh.”

“Imagine having your emotions all over the place and coming back to the camp where the atmosphere is this tense. Poor boy doesn’t know whose side to take and nobody should be even asking him. We should all work together, so he isn’t in a stressful situation but no, Mr. Chen needs to stir up shit wherever he goes. I wish I could smack him for being so stupid.”

Seeing Boyang so indignant is quite extraordinary. It takes a lot to even make someone who’s usually so bubbly and full of positive energy to be this angry.

“I just wish he’d leave Shoma out of it,” Boyang mutters and leaves, stamping on the grass beneath his feet.

Yuzuru lets him go and doesn’t try to follow him this time. He knows that Boyang needed to confide in someone and he’s glad he could do that for him.

“I wish I could help you all somehow,” Yuzuru whispers to himself when he’s left alone.

There’s that hopelessness again. The feeling that Yuzuru’s become so familiar with lately.

So close and yet so far.

He shuffles closer to the pool and dips his legs in it. The sun is still up. The sunlight is beating down on Yuzuru’s back and he relishes in the chill of the pool.

He looks at the playground where the match was being held but there isn’t anyone anymore. Yuzuru doesn’t need to watch the match until the very end to know the result. The winning team must’ve gone to celebrate into the dining hall, and the ones who lost, those who used to be Yuzuru’s team are probably somewhere licking their wounds. Yuzuru doesn’t think they cared about the match that much anyway. He knows they still care about each other though and that’s what hurts.

He tries to take advantage of the fact that he’s alone now. He closes his eyes and lays down. He lets the soft splashes of waves in the pool calm his mind, lets himself be enveloped by serenity and drifts away.

He lets his mind wander. He lets it take him wherever it wants to go and doesn’t stop it. He breathes in and lets himself feel.

It’s reassuring to know that the only emotions he will feel are his own. He relaxes his muscles and smiles as a familiar sensation hits his body.

The dream starts the same way it always does. He’s near a lake in the forest. There are flowers all around it, all in bloom and smelling of spring. The fish in the lake are swimming peacefully, every now and then one jumps above the surface only to disappear again in a big splash. The birds are singing various melodies as if they were performing a symphony. Light breeze caresses Yuzuru’s face and tickles him behind his ears.

Yuzuru smiles.

He walks through the tall grass and listens to the woodpecker that is sitting on a tree somewhere in the distance. He finally finds the spot. The one that is covered in dark green moss. The one that feels like the softest bed one could lie on. Yuzuru closes his eyes and lets himself be swallowed by the moss.

He’s lying down, taking deep breaths of the forest that’s filled with the smell of flowers and pine needles.

It takes him a few minutes to realise that he’s not alone this time. There’s a warm presence right next to him, pressing close to his arm. Yuzuru stretches out his fingers and catches the hand next to his. He intertwines their fingers. Yuzuru lifts up his thumb and presses it into the pulse point.

A light touch. A soft giggle. A slight move. A shadow cast upon his face.

Yuzuru doesn’t dare to open his eyes.

Then he feels them. Light as a feather. Right on his. And then they’re gone.

Yuzuru doesn’t move. He waits. And then they’re back. Firmer this time. More sure.

Yuzuru slowly moves his lips and feels the smile against them. He smiles in return and lets an inaudible sigh escape his mouth.

The lips are chapped and yet so soft. They move to the side of his face, his cheek, his nose. Leaving a row of small kisses accompanied by gentle laughter.

Yuzuru can’t fight himself any longer. He needs to see him. He needs to make sure that it’s really him.

He opens his eyes and is hit with the harsh light of the sun that’s still high on the sky. The moss underneath him disappears and is replaced by hard concrete. The birds sing no more. The fish splash no more.

And yet, when Yuzuru sits up and touches his lips, he can still feel Shoma’s own on them.

So close and yet so far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you wanna chat,   
> I am on twitter: @damnquads  
> Fic twitter: @damnquadsfic  
> And tumblr: quadamn.tumblr.com


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